June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette: Get Your Turquoise Shoes A-Steppin'

The Bachelorette - Week 6

Emily arrives in Croatia, kid-free (guess children should attend school sometimes) and is ready to embrace the romantic locale.  Do people really call Croatia romantic?  It looks beautiful there but Jef's declaration of "the perfect place to fall in love" seems a little over-exaggerated.

Emily brings the first date card herself to Travis, who was ready to quit this bitch if he didn't finally get a one-on-one.  Travis leaves his suitcase at the door and I'm having flashbacks of the spa guy.  Emily feeds us important Croatia history from her Fodor's travel book as she and Travis explore the old city of Dubrovnik.  Travis does some balancing tradition where you're supposed to remove your shirt, but he doesn't and Emily gets bummed.  Travis tells us that this date is a 10... on a scale of 8. Oh STFU.  At night the pair walk together under an umbrella (rainy Croatian nights) to their romantic dinner in some castle/dungeon/catacombs.  Travis admits he hasn't dated since his engagement failed two years ago, making Emily all wide-eyed from shock.  But the good news is when he did date, Emily is his usual type.  Emily reaches across the table for the rose and Travis smiles.  Then Emily gives an rambling speech to tell Travis he's been friendzoned.  Emily sends Travis on his way out into the rain but don't worry he has an umbrella (until he throws it to the ground in sadness).  If only he saw the cameraman taking a long shot of his luggage then he would've known the obvious.

The group date card ends up revealing that giant turd Ryan will receive the other one-on-one date, irking the other guys because he's arrogant.  The card mentions "bravery" and that's code for product placement!! Emily and the six guys go see the hottest date movie of the summer, Disney/Pixar's Brave.  And since the movie has guys fighting for the heart of the movie's protagonist Merida the guys can relate since they are fighting for the love of Emily.  After the movie, the men compete in their own Highland Games and there better be some blurred balls when someone falls over in their required uniform of a kilt.  To get to battle, the men ride donkeys (Emily chooses to walk) and then learn from some dude the events of the day: archery (Katniss Everdeen Emily is not), log tossing (hot Sean is so strong he breaks the log), and one where two dudes sit and play tug-of-war with a horizontal pole. The winner of bravest of the day is Chris because he failed at everything but volunteered first and smiled.  Sean kicked major ass and lost- I demand a revote!  Chris gets alone time with Emily in the form of cuddling under a plaid blanket and making out.  And then the show heavy-handedly edits in a shot of a rainbow for magical moments.

The date still isn't over as everyone puts on their suits for a nighttime cocktail date at not-a-hotel-pool.  I am really missing the rooftop pool parties of season's past.  Arie is concerned Emily is still holding a grudge about the Heli-Kalon debacle so he apologizes, though Emily apologizes for holding him to a different standard.  That standard being the I'm obviously picking you, be my boyfriend now standard.  Then they make out against a wall.  Get a room!  Or at least a fantasy suite.  Jef tells Emily she's the kind of girl people write novels about.  Really boring ones, amirite?  Jef is glad they got over the physical hurdle and now their relationship can get stronger which includes more kissing.  Chris declares that he's in this forever and ready for the chance to love Emily, so she excuses herself to grab the date rose and give it to "most handsome" Chris.  I'm not confused but the rose but rather these declarations about how attractive Chris is because I don't see it.

The date card tells Ryan the world is their oyster and Ryan begins to immediately pack for his date.  Turquoise blue suede shoes?  A must wear, obvs.  The rest of the guys think Ryan is playing a game and hopes Emily sees through the bull.  The date is hopping in some little red rental car for a road trip, which means a lot of locals honking and passing them on the road.  Their destination is a boat to go hunting for oysters, eating raw oysters, and Ryan making creepy pick-up lines about her being a pearl.  They then sit on the dock, Ryan talks about god, and brings up Emily being an ideal trophy wife eventhough she loathes this title.  At night, Emily dresses like a tacky life-size Emmy award (a trophy people- get it??) for another dinner in a castle.  Ryan reminds us he is wearing turquoise shoes.  Won't lie, those shoes are kinda pimp but because it's Ryan I hate them.  More annoying trophy wife talk leads to Ryan pulling a piece of notebook paper out of his jacket listing what he's looking for in a wife.  He then creepily reads this list constantly adding "and I think that's important" or "just like you."  Emily can't take it and tells him she doesn't want to be shoved into a mold and isn't perfect, nor does she want to be.  Ryan awkwardly calls attention to the rose on the table, because nothing can be subtle for him, and Emily gives a speech about him being good looking, a great kisser, and funny but her list has family #1.  His never mentioned family.  Emily decides to not give Ryan the rose because maybe they aren't on the same page.  His response, "That is very shocking" and then another ramblefest and my roommate is even screaming "SHUT UP!" at the TV.  This break-up lasts so fucking long and it's excruciating to watch, mainly because this used car salesman motherfucker keeps trying to talk Emily into changing her verdict.  Emily doesn't budge and then Ryan talks EVEN MORE.  He gets his limo goodbye with even more talking. Holy shit, I'm dying.  GOOD RIDDANCE.

The men rejoice that Ryan is gone.  They high five, jump, dance around- it's a miracle.  But Arie is thinking wow, this must be tough on Emily so I should go check on her.  So Arie [gets a producer's permission] heads to Emily's to comfort her.  Arie lets Emily know Ryan sucked and she made a good call.  This is what happens when Emily scolds you for not butting into other people's business.  She gives him Ryan's reject rose and they make out on her bed.  I honestly shouted "GAHH MAKE IT STOP" at the TV.  Arie looks like a horrible kisser.

The cocktail party/rose ceremony is at yet another castle/mansion/creepy house lit by candlelight.  Emily gives us viewers the deets right away: she's narrowed it down to John "Wolf" and Doug in terms of who's getting dumped tonight.  John finally gets airtime and shows his secret grandparents funeral card in his wallet, causing his eyes to well up.  His emotional outpouring shows Emily a new side and they kiss.  Emily continues he quest to corner the bottom rung and pulls Doug aside.  They have a lot in common (single parents) but their relationship has been slow to grow.  Emily wants Doug to be more confident and to make a move.  Even Doug is like shit, I'm probably botching this. 

Chris Harrison shows up for the first time all episode to clink a wine glass and get the rose ceremony crackin'.  Emily hands the roses out to the obvious choices and yes it's down to John and Doug as she said.  But the pressure is too much and she goes outside to find Chris Harrison because she doesn't know what to do, and lord knows Chris Harrison is a fine source of advice.  Chris Harrison points out there are really no rules (only shit producers will and won't let you get away with).  Emily is second-guessing her decisions and can't hand out her final rose and in comes Chris Harrison.  "Here's that second rose you requested." LOLZ.  I totally predicted this going down considering she cut two guys already and we've got a long way to go.

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