June 20, 2012

Reality Rundown: Nooo It's Nothing Like Big Brother . . .

6/20/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Glass House - Week 1

It's a "stunning, transparent living space with no secrets" AKA Big Brother with glass walls, shot in HD, and America gets to decide more than what piece of shit food houseguests eat for a week.  Players include the immediately annoying bail bondsman, a Mormon mom, a stuntman, poet, "fat hot gay guy", a nurse who poses for Playboy, and a middle aged sex blogger, to name a few.

In The Glass House, the wall is a place where the players convene to find the decisions viewers (not fans, because we're assholes online) have made for them.  For the first challenge, the viewers voted to split the teams into East vs. West.  Some dumb motherfucker doesn't know which coast Oregon is on.  Each team must choose a team captain and the losing team captain, along with another member of the losing team, will be expelled from the house into Limbo and up for the public vote.

The viewers also voted where the players will live and who their roommate is, and there's also not enough beds for everyone.  The viewers try to stir up drama by pairing the oldest lady with the youngest but nothing happens. The hot cop offers to sleep on the couch.  The chimes ring again to head to the wall: the viewers have selected a pool party for the players first night in the Glass House.  Cue the wannabe model actress girls in skimpy bikinis, donning the Mardi Gras beads and feather boas the viewers voted in.  Jeffrey, known as Ginger Bear on the interwebs now, overflows the hot tub when he gets in with everyone.  More fun comes from viewer votes for food, drinks, and games (kiss and blow - "God Elton, can't you suck?").

Team captains for the upcoming challenge are selected: dumb cook/Oregon idiot Jacob for the West Coast and Ginger Bear Jeffrey for the East.  Dumber is poet Apollo who isn't going to play the game and instead will leave his elimination/Limbo votes up to chance with a deck of cards.  But enough people stupidity, let's roll out the first challenge.  The challenge is to match up a player's name to a very personal fact they revealed about themselves, but this is also a puzzle where you have to flip tiles while riding lifts controlled by another player.  This show is so ridic to recap.  Bail bondsman Alex thinks he's so smart and makes all the decisions about the facts, which are all totally wrong.  After terrible communication, they eventually get it.  The East Coast team is far more calm, collected, and willing to listen, finishing the puzzle nearly four minutes faster than the West Coast.  East Coast wins the challenge which means Jacob is going to Limbo. YESSSSS.  Next step: the house votes who joins Jacob in Limbo.
Alex realizes he's in hot water because he's "primetime 99 Alex Stein" and he immediately starts campaigning for safety.  Hello bullseye.  He walks around the house in his underwear, giving the censors some balls and to blur out.  He wants to make the house fun apparently?  Kevin hates Alex and if he wasn't already hot enough physically, his hatred of Alex makes him even hotter.  Alex thinks everyone in the house except dumb Jacob sucks.  Oh and at some point the slutty nurse starts asking the other women to spank her.  What a cast.

Bing-bong, head to the wall.  It seems players get a chance to ask viewers a question for them to vote on, fun or strategic.  Viewers tell Gene to align with the women, not the men (laughter ensues since no one knows the question).  Erica hilariously asks if Arie the racecar driver is still on The Bachelorette.  Apollo asks some toolish "Did you smile today?" question.  Alex gets the nod from viewers to become the most horrible reality show villain ever.  This is the most fun part of the show.

Since Alex got the viewers input on being a villain, he begins going on an in-house tirade to make everyone hate him.  He basically implies Joy the slutty nurse had characteristics in common with a stripper or prostitute, that the Mormon mom is horrible for sharing a room with a guy, someone poops a lot, someone's fat, and that Kevin is a douchebag.  Joy says Alex has no character and he says he's the only character on this show. Ugh, go away.  I'm all for a villain but not one intentionally doing it for fame and notoriety.

Jacob is down in the dumps since he's in Limbo so nurse Joy encourages him to pep up, mainly so America won't keep Alex in the house.  Apollo's dumb cards picks Ashley as his vote to Limbo.  The rest of the house uses their pseduo Nintendo Wii slide and punch moves to vote for Alex to join Jacob in Limbo and while originally I was over Jacob's stupidity, I hate wannabe famewhores even more.  Alex and Jacob head into the Limbo tubes to be put into exile, except Jacob quits the game.  BUT... Alex isn't safe yet. We can still decide if he should leave the house.  Vote wisely people.