June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette: Producer's Sloppy Seconds

The Bachelorette - Week 7

Emily and her dudes ditch Croatia for Prague and someone better get ridiculously messed up on absinthe or it's not even worth the trip.  Chris Harrison's accordion hands tell us this is the "most romantic city" and "the biggest week."  It actually is a big week because next week is hometowns with four guys, meaning two are getting dumped.  There are also four dates so extra paragraph for this week's Rundown. Let's go!

On the first date, Emily and Ari "Czech out Prague together," creating a pun explosion that could devastate a small island nation.  Emily busts out her Fodor's travel guide and her and Ari get to their tourist shit, like walking slow and attempting to kiss while walking.  While Emily loves kissing Ari, Emily knows a secret about Ari.  DRAMA!

Suddenly, we're back in sunny California in front of the mansion with Chris Harrison in a suit telling us it's time to address the rumors: years ago, Ari had a relationship with a Bachelorette producer and now that Emily is falling for him, said producer (Cassie Lambert) told Emily.  And then we are treated to Cassie (off camera) interviewing Emily about this reveal, and Emily is not pleased Ari has never disclosed this information.  The producer's explains it's not a thing and her and Ari aren't even in communication anymore.  Emily is more upset that Ari hasn't said anything at all, not even just saying "Oh Cassie, I used to know her."  Time for the dramatic date cutback.

At an outdoor cafe over big ass beers, Emily asks Ari if he feels he's been really open with her.  He says of course and says he's trustworthy, because he doesn't understand how Emily always asks baiting questions.  Emily keeps stressing having no secrets is huge multiple times and Ari decides to be honest: he used to have a tattoo of his ex's name but it's removed. Wrong truth, but getting there.  And right when it seems we're getting to it, Chris Harrison time again.  The big discussion did happen between Emily, Ari, and Cassie but it was off camera.  Ari said it was so brief and so long ago he didn't think it was a big deal; Emily agrees. Overblown drama over.  And we skip ahead in time to Emily and Arie all gussied up, dining by the water, and talking about the big secret now being out.  Then they kiss and Ari tells Emily he's in love with her.  That is definitely a really early L-bomb drop on this show.  Emily says if things keep going this way, nothing would make her happier.  Fireworks!  No literally, they shoot up over the water.

John "Wolf", who was mercifully kept one more week, gets the next one-on-one date that includes no date card puns.  First, they take a boatride down the river and that's boring.  Things get hilarious when they find the John Lennon wall, an astonishing spot of graffiti, and Emily gives a history lesson about music being censored during communism.  Because she knows this off the top of her head.  They get to paint something on the wall together, so they paint a boat to remind them of their date.  Another monument is found where you put messages on locks and put it on a gate, so that do that too.  John will have so many memories of the location he'll probably get dumped at.  For dinner, they have a romantic dinner in a dungeon, as all girls dream of.  They talk of John's failed relationships which includes getting cheated on, so he's a slow burn because he's faced heartbreak.  They smooch.

After Emily's date with John ends, Sean runs out to the Czech streets shouting "Emily!" He must find her, no matter where she is in the city.  Good thing there is not a single pedestrian to be found to see his humiliation.  He finds Emily in an alley and she's happy for the surprise.  She's all smiles, they chat, they makeout in an alley. Romance!

Sean, Doug, and Chris are given the group date, which is appropriate since Chris has been moping about a lack of alone time.  Sean doesn't care because he got some sweet alley makeout time already.  The four cozy up in the most awkward horse drawn carriage ride ever to get to their destination: another castle.    Emily takes Sean aside first and he stresses he's no different in real life, but he's also so hands off.  His body language gives a stand-offish vibe rather than let's make out in a Czech castle.  Emily brings Sean outside and under his blue plaid umbrella, tells him this relationship is too damn slow so Doug dives in for a quick peck kiss.  Emily has fought a lot for Doug but doesn't think he's putting himself out there enough.  Emily sends Doug on his unmerry way to go home and be with his son.  Emily gets to keep the umbrella, Doug cries in a van.

Oh yeah, there are still two other guys on the date and there's a rose up for grabs.  Thanks to some keys, Sean scores the first alone time at the castle.  In a little candlelit room, Sean yaps about his family again and how it would be natural for her to meet his family.  They share a quick kiss.  Mopey Chris finally gets his solo time and he's very happy and admits he's been bothered.  Then they smooch.  Same old, same old.  Emily gives the rose to Sean, saying this is for the person whose family she most wants to meet. Chris is pissed, but he's not out yet, but yeah still feels like shit.

The episode feels like it should be over but hellllll no, there is still another one-on-one with 90210 hair Jef.  They head to explore town which includes playing with an extremely creepy Michael Jackson marionette puppet.  After getting marionettes to represent themselves, Jef runs inside and apparently steals a small one to symbolize Ricki.  The puppets then re-enact their relationship from first impressions, to avoiding Emily, to being way into her.  Worst puppet show ever.  With a puppet to hide behind, Jeff uses the marionette to tell Emily he loves her and hopes they can get a dog together (she says a cat).  The puppets kiss, then Emily and Jef kiss.  The next stop of the date is a big ol' library that looks like the one in Beauty and the Beast.  Jef explains who Emily will meet on hometowns and that he wants to show off his awesome family.  The big reveal is that Jef once dumped a girl because his family didn't approve, so she gets nervous.  But they have deep relationship talks about marriage, kids, living together, etc.  They makeout on the library floor and it would be great if a librarian came in and shushed them.

The rose ceremony is looming. Chris realizes he was being a party pooper after not getting a rose.  But alas, his time with Emily shall be non-existent because Emily knows her picks and would prefer not to prolong it with a party.  When Chris learns the news he's like sheeeeeeeit and then gets all red-eyed and weepy for possibly screwing it all up.  Emily comes out to divvy out her plate of roses and after giving roses to Jef and Ari (dur), there's a long awkward pause before the last rose.  Chris blurts out that he needs to talk to Emily and she gives him his time.  Chris apologizes for acting like a baby/jackass on the date and took the week for granted.  He tells Emily he is falling in love with her and she's smiley and grateful that Chris has put himself out there.  The conversation end and Emily returns to the last rose on the dish.  She gives the final rose to Chris and John "Wolf" is surely not pleased but we all totally knew he was getting cut regardless of what kinda 'tude Chris had on the date.

Next week: blurry montages of Emily feeling sorrow.

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