June 12, 2012

The Bachelorette: Quick, Someone Feed Emily More London Trivia


The Bachelorette - Week 5
 

Emily and her ten suitors cross the pond for jolly old England. I'm mostly jealous because it means they can probably watch new episodes of The Only Way is Essex while I'm sitting here tweeting Hulu constantly to get season 4. C'mon Hulu.

The first one-on-one date is with Sean, so expect to see an awkward tongue kiss attempt again. Their date is a private tour of London on a double decker bus AKA hey look at these tourists! But there's not even a tour guide so I guess someone is feeding them details of the date because I seriously doubt Emily knew the church where Princess Diana and Prince Charles got married off the top of her head. Then they kiss in front of Buckingham Palace because there's where William and Kate had their first married kiss. Ughhh you're corny. And for some reason they end up at some place called Speaker's Corner and Sean has to get up high and talk so he blabs about wanting deep, true, great love and is hopeful it might be there with Emily. At night, the two dine at the Tower of London where Emily recites the history lesson someone fed her about Henry VIII. She also has a cold so next week expect about four dudes to have raspy voices. Of course Sean says this is the best date he's ever had and this is going to be my new Bachelorette drinking game rule because every GD date on this show is just soooo great and better than anything ever. Emily talks about how she wants a shitload of kids and Sean would prefer two but he'll do anything Emily says anyways. She gives him the rose and they kiss with a view of the iconic Tower Bridge in the background. Thankfully, we're spared a glance of that creepy slip of the tongue.

For the group date, the men meet Emily in the town where Shakespeare was born (or Shake-a-spear if you're a Scary Movie fan) to act out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Emily wants the guys to just have fun and not take it serious which is a good call because their acting sucks. The role of Romeo gets played by Alejandro, John "Wolf", Ryan, and Heli-Kalon (who takes this fake acting way too serious because he's a tool). Ari and Doug get to play the female role of the Nurse because back in Shakespeare times men played women. I think Chris and Trevor are Tybalt and Mercutio? (We never learn) On a mission to make the world hate Americans, they have to perform in front of an audience. Douchey Ryan get the honor of being the Romeo that gets to kiss Emily. Enjoy the sore throat, bub. Even with the two kisses, Emily is still more smitten with Arie's take on being a woman. BTW, Arie looks like Belle from Beauty and the Beast in his wig and dress.

The fancy costume are ditched for their normal attire to head to a pub for some pints of lager. Arie is glad he made an ass of himself and they kiss (he hopes for a kiss in every city around the world). Ryan's alone time involves a very creepy closing of the curtains just to give Emily a necklace (well he wanted more kissing but that's a no-go). Kalon is a piss ant, moaning about Emily having a cold with a kid waiting around for her. Tensions really rise when it's discovered that Kalon says "Emily has a lot of baggage" means Ricki. Doug, being a single father, knows how low a blow this is so he rolls up his sleeves and confronts Kalon. Kalon won't retract the statement and everyone is just like daaaaaamn douche. Doug tells Emily what Kalon said to make sure an asshole like Kalon doesn't stick around. Emily is pissed, visibility holding back her anger, and declares that she wants "to go West Virginia hoodrat, back woods on his ass." Y-E-S. Emily and Doug meet up with the group to confront Kalon. Kalon tries to cover his ass and Emily can't believe anyone would call her heart and soul "baggage." She tells Kalon to "get the fuck out" and when he tries to defend himself, she points out his mom was a single mother as well and therefore in the same boat as her. She's over it and really upset the guys didn't come to her with the information sooner; they wanted Emily to sort out her feelings herself. No one gets a rose, the guys regret keeping secrets, and Kalon will need to see if his private helicopter will cross the transatlantic for him.

For their one-on-one day, Emily and Jef have a traditional afternoon tea with an etiquette lesson. I know many would hate a date like this but I kinda would love it. I've always wanted to have high tea and etiquette is important to know. PLUS, it's like re-enacting that A League of the Own scene. But in terms of finally having alone time together, etiquette lady is a total cockblock for Jef. Emily and Jef (fake) dine and dash while etiquette lady hits the loo; they head right to a booth at a pub for some beer. Jef wants Emily to know he has her back and that he was the one sitting with Kalon at the time and stood up for her. Jef says if Ricki is baggage that she's "a Chloe handbag I'd like to have forever." OH SWEET JESUS. Emily eats it up. After day drinking, they have a long, slow romantic dessert and champs on a car on the London Eye (that big ferris wheel looking thing that is not some fun carnival ride). Discussion turns to the Kalon debacle again and Jef is happy she got all pissy at Kalon, but he also feels like he could tell Emily anything. Jef basically says all the right things, wants to be BFFs and lovers ("That's what I always say too!" - Michael Bolton). Emily gives Jef the rose and as soon as Jef decides a first kissing above London would be great, they have to disembark. Wait, they never ate a bite of their dessert at all. WTF? Not cool. So standing on the waterfront, cuddling, they kiss and it's sweet and there isn't a gross tongue shot like Arie or Sean. Jef is probably my favorite but I wish he'd fix that fucking Dylan McKay hair.

The cocktail party stars with Emily having alone time with a couple guys to express her disappointment that each guy didn't tell her about Heli-Kalon. Even her beloved Arie is like shit, I messed up. Ryan sends Emily up a flight of stairs to recite more Shakespeare and now Emily likes him, despite his prior chauvistic ways. They nasty tongue kiss, this time from Emily's angle. Bleckh! Sean re-assures her that there are good guys still here and she lets us know that Sean gives her butterflies in her heart.

Chris Harrison clinks the champagne glass to kick of the rose ceremony and gives a speech with his usual hand motions (I have to mention this every week. It is my platform). Only one guy is going home this week and considering everyone has had air time except for one, it's definitely the least dramatic rose ceremony ever (especially when you put Arie in the bottom two- YEAH RIGHT). Alejandro is eliminated, of course.

Next week: someone else isn't there for the right reasons and Emily's fucking over it.

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