July 31, 2012

Bachelor Pad 3: In a Pickle

7/31/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments

Bachelor Pad - Week 2
Erica hates newbie David for targeting her so she plans to torture him until he's gone.  The twins are hot messes, donned in identical eye-burning-in-HD hot pink dresses, crying, fighting, and slurring over one twin calling the other a slut.  The whole house laughs at their idiocy.

This week's challenge is perfectly timed to go along with the Olympics because we are the fools watching this shitshow while the greatest sporting event ever is on (in defense, I'm DVRing and tuning in later).  The challenge is to perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine.  Everyone will learn a routine and perform in teams of men vs. women and the best man and woman get a rose.  Like last week, the suckiest gets a vote against cast against them at the rose ceremony.  Both routines include fabulous ribbon dancing, reminding me of the brilliant 90s toy.  I would've enjoyed all the puns the show could've done if they had to use the balls but hey, the unitards lead to enough ball jokes on their own.  Judging the routines are former Bachelorette Ashley and her fiance JP and then an actual Olympian named Tasha Schikert (they do this shit in the Olympics?)  The women perform first and it's god awful, hardly a routine and more like a freestyle by toddlers (my soulmate Michael Stagliano makes a similar comment).  Maybe it's because they count aloud, but the men are a trillion times better and their sense of humor with the leaps makes the routine even better.  The worst dancers are Erica Rose (ha! again!) and Ed.  Maybe he needed a few more beers and a bare ass to be happier.  The best dancers, recipients of roses and dates, are Blakeley and Michael "just give him the prize money again" Stagliano.

For the ladies, desperate is what we shall call the potential people Michael might bring on his date.  There's desperate Donna, the newbie who has a secret crush on Michael and wants him to like her back, and Erica Rose who is desperate to be saved since she's a challenge loser.  Erica and Michael chat and he promises to have her back.  Erica assumes she'll be going on the date and getting a rose, buuuuut Michael came onto the show this time not for the game but to meet someone.  Michael chooses Rachel, Lindzi, and Donna for his date, infuriating Erica Rose. Michael wants a love connection and sadly Erica Rose will have to get saved the old fashioned way.

Michael has on a black tee, black vest, and a black scarf; he loses ten cool points there.  They arrive at an old movie theater with their names on the marquee and inside there's a concert by some no-name band with paid extras pretending to like them dancing.  Donna can't believe she's living the corny lame concert dates she sees on TV.  But Donna's time is up and Michael switches to Rachel and they really hit it off, like so much that they kiss.  Donna scoffs, the paid extras gawk - good times! The after-concert is drinks in some lounge and Michael pulls Rachel aside to "talk" first and by that I mean continue their makeout party.  Donna makes her attempts to be noticed by showing Michael the picture she drew of him.  OH. MY. GOD. I am laughing so hard.  It's a cross between a mall kiosk that does portraits of celebrities and a police sketch artist.  Michael thinks it's sweet and fulfills a fantasy for her: making out, tongues poking out, against the theater backstage wall.  I'm assuming Michael didn't make out with Lindzi or else we would've seen it, but I was hoping for a trifecta.  Michael gives the date rose/immunity to Rachel, crushing Rachel's youthful pining soul.

Meanwhile, Ryan the token black virgin bakes a cake and decorates his partner Jamie's bed with candy for her birthday.  He believes they have the strongest partnership in the house, and hey he wouldn't mind if perhaps some romance happened.  Blakeley hates Jamie, the potential partner thief, and for good reason because Jamie does intend to dump nice Ryan for Chris.  Too bad for Jamie because he overly nice partner keeps interrupting and it becomes clear to her Ryan might want more.  Oh boy.  Ryan tells Jamie that Chris told him specifically that Ryan and Jamie should remain partners as Chris is sticking with Blakeley.  Jamie is confused because she thought she would be banging Chris by now.  I mean she's a nice girl that parents would want to meet (and what parents wouldn't love her Madonna 1985 black lace gloves?!)  Jamie decides to talk to Chris because she feels confident they'd make it to the end together.  Chris doesn't want to be romantic with Blakeley but Blakeley has the rose for immunity this week, so he aims to please her while still getting some Jamie side action.  Makeout with Jamie, makeout with Blakeley in the bunk bed below Jamie and let Jamie catch you cuddle sleeping together.  Chris is a manwhore.

Blakeley brings the manwhore, Ed, and fan David on the "racy" date.  David is so touched that one of these vets would choose him, making him and Blakeley weepy.  Blakeley though is tired of Chris thinking he's the HBIC.  The date is kind of awesome.  It's riding downhill in self-designed soapbox derby racecars (full size, not the teeny carved-in-wood Boy Scouts ones).  Ed's cart is the most LOL worthy thing which is that he paints his car like a pickle and calls it "In a Pickle" because with one vote already against him this week, he's in a pickle.  God Ed, I want to hate you but sometimes I simply can't.  Chris, however, makes himself so easily hateable; his arrogance is so annoying.  The night portion of the date is drinking and hot tubbing at the house the Bachelor or Bachelorette usually lives in.  In David's alone time, he tries to appeal to her emotion angle about how much he loves being here and knows she was once an outsider too on her season.  Aw you sneaky devil!  Chris admits to Ed he is not romantically interested in Blakeley and wants to win the game; apparently she sucks the fun out of the game for him.  When she gets serious with him, the drunkass lies to her and she can read his insincerity.  Despite David's heartfelt conversation and Chris' horrible behavior treating Blakeley like shit, Chris still gets a rose.

With roses out of the way, the house focuses on getting ridiculously drunk, naked, and hooking up with each other.  This includes drunkass Ed drinking out of his soapbox derby trophy and I can't believe I haven't thought of winning something just for the drinking apparatus.   Time for some night vision camera hookups and by that I mean, Ed got a beej under the covers from Sara (or so the show implies).  The twins decide that while everyone is slurring, blackout drunk that they should campaign to stay which again turns into whining and fighting with each other.  The better looking one wants to leave, while the ugly one wants to stay because she wants to showmance Dave, but the sisters are a pair so either they stay together or leave together.  My pick: leave together, go away, you're not hot and are really, really, reeeeeeally annoying.  In the end, the wins quit the game to the relief of the house (and me- their voices- gahhhhh).

Since the twins quit and the show is all about even pairs, all the women are safe this week.  Erica Rose is so happy.  One guy will be eliminated, voted by the ladies, and it's a forgone conclusion that fan David will get eliminated.  Kalon hates the obvious pick and tries to shake it up.  He suggests the girls get rid of Ryan to Lindzi, who spreads this idea to her gal pals.  Reid feels left out and doesn't like Ed/Chris controlling things so he approaches the other girls to vote off Ed, who already has one penalty vote against him.  This plan makes sense and many go along with it, including Ed's BJ hookup Sara who tells him straight-up she voted for him.  Ed's shocked, Sara cries, and Reid is wondering what idiot tells a person about the votes before voting is over.  The swing vote is Ryan's partner/Chris' hookup Jamie who will have to officially choose a side.  Ryan unwisely full trusts his partner Jamie: her final vote is the one that sends overly nice guy Ryan home.

July 29, 2012

Reality Rundown: Makeout Party in the Glass House

The Glass House - Jeffrey lets Kevin know the stone cast against him wasn't him and it becomes apparent that the lone vote is Gene.  The guys aren't loving Gene's deceptive gameplay.  Jeffrey continues being uber-popular by having a kissing contest with Erica and Joy.  Let me remind you, Jeffrey is a gay, ginger bear.  And if that's not weird enough, the whole house sitting close-up staring at the kidding is awkward as all hell.  Joy wins for showmanship (AKA it being most like a lapdance) and Erica wins for authenticity.  At a high school themed party, everyone plays up the roles given to them (winner is Kevin the jock who talks about getting a full ride from state) and a drunk Erica tries to make a move on Kevin again; it fails.  At yet another party (theme: toga), Kevin and Erica discuss his rejection of her.  Kevin claims it's because he didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl but c'mon Erica... he's just not that into you.  Then Joy and Mike fight about it.  I feel like every episode has Joy and Mike fighting about everyone else's business.  It gets back to Erica, more bickering.  This is why you don't hook-up on reality shows when you've down a few cocktails.

Andrea and Holly return up the bank tubes from Limbo to get the verdict.  While I can't stand Andrea, it's a huge duh moment when Holly get sucked back down the tube.  Andrea's alliance is happy to see her, the rest... meh.  Kevin gives Andrea the rundown on the hinky vote against him and lets her into the fold that Jeffrey wants Gene and Joy gone next.  The whole house begins to notice his cockiness, especially when he tells Joy the viewers keep her around for his amusement.  "I'm not your concubine!" Joy exclaims.

The viewers vote Mike and Stephanie team captains.  Stephanie being a captain surprises everyone, especially knowing she had the least number of votes.  Stephanie begins to cry, realizing she's at the bottom because viewers aren't connecting with her.  Well her chugging wine straight from the box bladder earlier earned a few cred points with me, but I also don't vote for this shit.

Mike drafts Gene, Jeffrey, and Andrea to his team; skipping over Kevin so both of them won't be in Limbo. Stephanie chooses Erica, Joy, and Kevin.  The challenge is to decode clues to solve puzzles and questions, with teammates also being spun on some giant decoder wheel.  Summarizing Glass House challenges can be so confusing at times.  It's like the Battle of the Sexes episode of Saved by the Bell (yes a Tori episode) where they solve the puzzle "Honor Thy Principal" aka "Honor Thy Bucket of Chicken."  Stephanie's team nails it, but Gene really screws it up for Mike's team and Mike regrets trusting the shady Gene.  Stephanie's team wins the challenge and as the puzzle solver of the winning team, she wins a trip to Las Vegas.

Mike being the losing team captain is automatically in Limbo, which leaves Andrea, Jeffrey, and Gene as the choices to join him.  Jeffrey is confident Mike is going to get eliminated and thinks they should spare Andrea, making her a likely least popular team captain next week.  Jeffrey decides to make a bold move, based on how he's read the viewers votes thus far: he asks his friends to vote him into Limbo.  It's a huge strategic move that could backfire (LOL yeah right, we know Jeffrey is the top contender to win).  Jeffrey receives all the votes and gets into the tube to Limbo with Mike.  Don't worry: we'll be seeing that ginger bear again.

So You Think You Can Dance - The night begins with a bummer: no SYTYCD for two weeks because of the Olympics.  It makes me sad, but relieved.  I'm an Olympics junkie and don't want to miss any of the good stuff.  Joining Nigel and Mary this week is Christina Applegate, always an entertaining guest who knows her dance stuff.

There were some brilliant routines this week.  Like, so hard to narrow them down.  Brandon and Amber, a new partnership, benefited from losing their dud partners.  Their jazz routine about a couple in the sweaty south getting sexy after a long day.  It was hot, sweaty, and full of chemistry.  Lindsay and Cole dance this spectacularly lit contemporary number by Stacey Tookey, where the low lights create spectacular shadows as they fly across the stage.  It was simply gorgeous.  In another moment of spectacular lighting, Witney and Cheon's contemporary routine by Stacey Tookey begins with merely a spotlight following them though the solo part of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You."  When that high note hits, the lights come on and there's this spectacular jump/lift and it's breathtaking.  I got verklempt; just a beautiful, passionate number.  Stacey Tookey is on a GD roll this week.  Eliana's ballerina skills are used perfectly in a Nappytabs hip hop routine with her partner Cyrus, as he is a robot that brings to life the ballerina inside a music box.  It's amazing and finally some of the grimy hip hop with a dark side.

The middle of the pack for me are Tiffany and George, with a cute hip hop about babysitters with a crying kid and Amelia and Will's black and white jazz.  Ok routines, but nothing special. very stretchy. flingy.

It truly pains me to have to put my boyfriend Sasha's cha cha in the worst, but I had to.  The choreography was good, but the song choice of "Call Me Maybe" was weird for a cha cha.  And it wasn't danced well by Janelle and Dareian; even I noticed their sloppy feet.  Audrey and Matt slip to the bottom this week with a salsa by new choreographer Liz Lira.  The song choice was odd and it made the salsa slow and boring, not fast and sexy.

In the other routines of the evening, Tyce Diorio choregraphs a group number where everyone looks like Charlie Chaplin black and white number with a red umbrella floating the holder across the stage.  I love that everyone, including the girls, has a bowler hat and mustache.  There's also a special group performance by the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater, stellar as always.  I need to remember to get tickets next time this company comes to the area as I always want to go and then forget.  The routines are so interesting and the men such powerful dancers.  I know it'd be an amazing live show.

With routines out of the way, it comes to the results portion of the show.  The bottom three girls are Amber, Lindsay, and Eliana.  The bottom three guys are George, Brandon, and Dareian.  Considering that these three girls were in three of the best routines this week, I'm gutted.  Amber, Eliana, Brandon, and Dareian are asked to dance solos one more time for a proper evaluation.  The judges deliberate and send Amber and Brandon home, which is a total bummer because the votes are based on last week's routines, not the fantastic routine performed this evening. Bummer.

July 26, 2012

Big Brother 14: Jojo's Gotta Go-Go, I Know I Know

7/26/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 14 - Week 2

Frank is HOH which pleases the majority of the house since everyone has turned on previous HOH Willie and now Frank can take him out.  Not happy about this victory is Willie, who knows he's a dead man walking, and his teammate Shane who suddenly realizes an alliance with Willie is a liability.  Other teammate JoJo makes sure to tell Frank that she voted against him but did so because of loyalty to Willie, not out of dislike for him; Frank assures her he holds no grudges.  Britney is being a total downer since she stupidly picked the most volatile player that is killing her chances at the $100k coach prize.  Part of being a downer is Britney bitching at Willie about his behavior, her defense of him hurting the team, and that she's tired of him.  Willie's like hey I get it, please shut up.  Good thing a perk of the coach's challenge this week is to swap a player (the other coaches fear the possibility of getting sacked with Willie).  Pretty much the consensus is for Britney to suck it up and lose one of her players for the sake of the house's sanity.

Dan urges his only remaining player Danielle to befriend Janelle's team this week and become a vote for them.  She's like sure, but first let me desperately chase after Shane for a showmance.  Oh but she claims he's chasing her which is hilarious since she has told the house she came on Big Brother for love.  Yes, this manipulative bullshit house is where she wants to find love, not on The Bachelor.  Eyeroll because I think Danielle is soooooo dull and dumb.  She can barely keep up the lie about her occupation and when she say a picture of Boogie's baby wearing a "Team Boogie" shirt she asked if that baby was Boogie.

Because there was too much ridic shenanigans last week, the show pretends that Ian's "date" with Ashley happened over the weekend.  Basically, nerdo Ian asks Ashley on a slop date where they dine on slop delicacies.  Ashley accepts because she has a soft spot for Ian (or because she's doped up on pain meds still for her bad back).  Ashley attempts to learn about Ian's science background in a lovable but girl you're stupid way.  They fail to show that Ashley got Ian to spill some game secrets, but he wouldn't care because Ian's smitten and wants an alliance (and showmance- LOL, yeah no) with the droopy eyed charmer.

Frank comes out of the Diary Room dressed like a busted MC, open shiny black shirt and big fake gold chain, to kick off the coach's competition.  All the coaches are rocking gold Hammer pants, legs spread wide so you walk like a person trying to hold back from pooping their pants.  The competition is to waddle across a balance beam to transfer all their bricks of cash, but if a coach drops a block of cash or falls off the beam they are eliminated from the competition.  Britney flies across the beam, seeming to be the shoo-in to win, but she knocks a few bricks of cash to the ground and is eliminated.  Ian's scientific advice helps Boogie but he prematurely jumps off the balance beam before hitting the button, so he's DQ'd.  Like a moron.  Janelle wins the competition and grants Ashley immunity to gain her trust (so no player trade).  Janelle also gets to choose what four HGs are Have Nots: she picks all of Britney's team (Willie, Shane, JoJo) and Ian.  JoJo thinks it's bitchy to make Shane a Have Not two weeks in a row, which I think JoJo is bitchy for not thinking it's unfair for Ian to be a Have Not a second time in a row too.  But JoJo only cares about her team/alliance/what keeps her safe.

The Have Nots aren't surviving solely on slop this week: America has voted for the Have Nots to have pork rinds and pudding all week as well.  Ew, it's Snack Pack and not even Jello brand.  Big Brother is so broke.  But pudding is pretty bomb.  Willie tries to round up his team, which Britney quickly breaks up by dragging JoJo aside and telling her to stay away from Willie.  Willie tells JoJo he's going to take the heat off of his teammates, but Britney tells him to cool it in her bitchy toned way.  Willie runs upstairs to the HOH room and he tells them that he knows he's going home this week and not to take his actions out on his teammates.  JoJo tells Willie that she has to sever ties with him and then leaves the room to have pudding. Munchin' on some pork rinds, Willie explains the house is the biggest bunch of pussies he's ever met and he's not going out with class.  Joe makes a retort to Willie's pussy comment and Willie chases Joe to the bathroom and gets up in his face, Joe's arms up in defense to block the likely beating coming.  Poor little Ian is fresh from the shower in a towel so makes a run to get others because let's face it, he's not providing any physical defense in this scenario.  Shouting "Hit me!", Willie head butts/body bumps Joe as the house runs downstairs to see what is going on.  A producer's voice comes over the speaker asking Willie to go to the back bedroom (Have Not room), Joe to stay in the bathroom, and for Janelle to stay away because she's in the kitchen calling Willie a jerk (aw we didn't get to see him throw pork rinds at Janelle).  Willie is called into the Diary Room and led through another door.  The voice of show producer Allison Grodner comes over the house speaker to inform the HGs that violence is not tolerated and Willie has been expelled from the game.  Britney is glad he's gone but then realizes she's down a player and it's not good for her chances.

The house mourns/rejoices Willie's exit.  With Willie out, the targets can change.  Boogie has a stupid plan to use a pawn from their alliance, but it's nixed quickly.  But the better option, as suggested by Janelle, is to nominate Jojo and Shane.  Jojo pleads her case, claiming she "deserves to be there," but Frank reminds her that she voted him out of that house last week, siding with Willie.  So duh, Shane and Jojo are nominated for eviction.
Frank, Jojo, Shane, Ian, Wil, and Ashley compete in this week's Power of Veto competition; Joe will host and by "host" I mean yell dialogue.  Danielle didn't get picked for POV which means there's a good chance she could be backdoored and her coach Dan will go out the door too.  There's a fiesta out in the backyard for the competition including margaritas and guacamole, so of course people get wasted.  Not everyone though: everyone competing for the veto puts in a giant nacho chip costume and dig into four big bowls to retrieve panels with food items, which need to match a big menu.  Everyone has a good strategy except Ashley, who they must be keeping high on back meds for wacky interviews.  Other than Ashley, all the players get their entire menu correct and since it's about most correct in the fastest time, Shane wins POV.  Britney rejoices that her potential prize money is still mostly in tact.

Now possessing the veto, Shane does the same wheelin' and dealin' he did last week except this time he's saving himself, not others.  Boogie thinks Shane would make a good ally, seeing as he was extremely loyal to Willie, but says to make this work Shane can't tell the others, especially Britney.  Shane heads down to the bathroom and denies any deal making to Britney and Jojo.  On the other side, Dan doesn't want to help his only player Danielle campaign to stay off the block.  He worries he'll hurt her chances, but he's also trying to piss her off enough for her to actually play the game herself.  Wise coaching, little guy who shouts in the Diary Room.  When Shane doesn't immediately offer to vote for her to stay in the house, Danielle goes to the lounge and cries about being unwanted.  Shane actually does try to help Danielle, approaching Frank right before the Veto Ceremony to make Wil the replacement nominee instead.  It's a good effort but Shane's part, but Frank names Danielle the replacement nominee after Shane saves himself.

Danielle mopes about being nominated and Dan has to explain why she has to try and play alone, not relying him on everything.  Meanwhile, Shane and Jojo flirt a lot.  Jojo asking to makeout, Shane talking about wearing a thong to bed. WAIT WHAT?  Poor Ian is stuck in this Have Not room of awful, but at least he hilarious comments Shane being able to ride "the Staten Island ferry."  Britney's advice to Jojo is to lay low and let her try to work some magic and Jojo just responds "I know, I know" to anything Britney says.  When Danielle Downer hears about Shane and Jojo's flirting, Danielle is upset because she believes Shane likes her.  LOLOL please stalker, your Shane love affair is one sided.  Danielle actually plays the game a bit and once she gives word to Janelle a budding showmance is happening, a powerful alliance, it helps make the eviction decision much better.

For time filler, Dr. Will of Big Brother 2 and All Stars fame gives his POV on this season.  He approves of Boogie thus far in the house, but worries about his ego.  I'm more worried about Dr. Will's unmoving, plastic sheen face.  Dr. Will jokes about the other coaches saying Britney needs to put her coach hat on, that Dan got blinded by hot chicks, and Janella is a great competitor but needs to be good at strategy to win.  Dr. Will says that of all the current HGs, he believes Ian will win again.

In Julie Chen news, she calls Frank her "home skillet" in response to his question if she's his homegirl.  Then Julie brings it back down to the living room for last chance speeches from the nominees.  In a "Love Me or Hate Me" shirt and silver leopard skirt (I had to note this because it's so trashy), Jojo's says they're making a mistake, not making big moves, and she's going out for being loyal (to Willie).  Danielle "loves all y'all" because she knows she's staying.  In a 5-1 vote (Shane being the 1), Jojo is voted out of the Big Brother house.  Her last words are to "make big moves" and she heads out for her interview with Julie to talk about being too loyal and that she deserved to be there because she competed hard.  Well if you compete hard and do well, getting a strong female out is kind of a good move then.  Jojo doesn't say Britney is a good coach but is routing for her ex-team to win.

This week's HOH competition is "On Thin Ice" which is to hit a ball with a hockey stick into a slot with the highest number; houseguest with the highest score wins.  Sooo, it's a total crapshoot unless you intentionally throw it.  In a laughable moment, Joe tries bouncing it off the wall to get a good score and loses immediately.  It's great.  I'd triple-deek that shit, Mighty Sucks style.  Shane gets it into the 20 slot, winning the HOH competition.  Anyone who claims that Frank is a bigger threat than Shane is high: he keeps saving himself at all the right times.

And then, the big twist.  America gets to vote whether the coaches should remain coaches or be offered the chance to re-enter the game for the $500k prize.  We've all known for ages this was going to happen and we all know the obvious conclusion: next week the coaches will get a chance to play the game they all love again so much.  No shit they'll do it.

July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad 3: The Lonely Drunk Pool Nymph

7/24/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Bachelor Pad - Week 1

Are you ready for a bunch of famewhores sluttin' it up, hookin' up, crying, and competing for a chance at $250,000?  I AM.  Bachelor Pad is back people and I am ecstatic.  It's the perfect summer trash show.  Along with the trainwrecks we already know, five "superfans" will join the ranks and compete for the prize as well.  Who will be making an ass of themself this season?  Roll that beautiful bean footage.

The most recent reject is Chris from Emily's season who is mending a broken heart and hoping to find someone to fall in love with (LOL I think you mean sleep around with).  He hopes Lindzi from Ben's season of The Bachelor will be there and OMG what a coincidence she is.  One of my favorite guys ever, Reid from Jillian's season, is on the show and he has an arch enemy in that house: Ed, the guy Jillian did pick, and it turns out those nasty tabloid stories about him were true.  Gross.  Also back, Blakeley the former "VIP cocktail" waitress (AT HOOTERS), Jacyln (who got cast by the be loud at the reunion special), and dickhead Kalon (because helicopter fuel is expensive- direct quote).  The superfans are basically all desperate famewhores, the people desperate to be on television that watch this series.  Standout based on the videos is the SWAT guy who sits alone on couch, candles lit, wearing a matching two piece pajama sets with a glass of wine to watch the show.  Oh and there are uggo twins who think they're hot shit competing as one person.

So after sitting through a bunch of video intros, we have to watch everyone enter the house from their limos, greeting Chris Harrison on the slicked up driveway.  Everyone spends the night eyefucking the fresh meat entering the room; such a creepfest.  The girls stare at each other in catty ways, ready to hate on Blakeley before she even walks through the door since practically all the girls are from Ben's season.  Proof that the show is terrified of the racist lawsuit: they brought the one black dude (also a virgin) from Deanna's season.  Because a show can't be full of disgusting lowlifes, fan favorite/last season's winner Michael Stagliano returns.  Start swooning.  And for laughs, slow talking Erica Rose is back for her one liners and hopefully to get beaten alive by eggs again.  But it turns out she sold a story to the tabloids about giant turd Kalon so here comes the dreama.  Kalon enters next, ditching the helicopter in favor of a flashy white convertible sportscar.  The best is the group speculating about the fans being stalkers; like these superfans would even remember half of these no names. I recap the show and barely remembered half of these losers.

Chris Harrison interrupts the fun to explain the rules of the game, emphasizing the important of relationships (hookups).  Ed can't stay focused to listen to the rules, leaving mid-way to return to his drunk blurred-out tightie whitie swimming session.  Chris gives one important order before tomorrow's first challenge: partner up.  Reid picks newbie Paige, with an awful "read the page" pun.  Erica Rose picks Nick because she refuses to partner with the fans because she finds it inappropriate to associate with those similar to "the help."  Blakeley and Chris partner up, but she's so demanding and Chris worries the other girls will vote him off for being associated with a nutter.  It's fugly Jaclyn who gets stuck with Ed, who is too busy being the only blackout drunk in the hot tub.  Jaclyn is pretty afraid of her odds.

The group convenes in the front driveway for the first competition of the show.  "Falling for Love" has each couple sitting inside a giant heart raised above the ground, tilting until it's impossible to stay inside (sooo upside down you mean?).  The losing couple gets an immediately penalty of one vote against them at elimination.  Said losing couple is Nick and Erica Rose and if there's one person I didn't want to lose this it's Erica.  Not because I like her but because she complains so much about everything.  Soon more teams begin to fall and there's one consensus: let the annoying, immature twins fall so they can get voted off.  But of course the twins and other fan David win the first challenge.  They are safe for the week and the three of them (since the twins are one) get a private date together.

The twins and David "pier" into the future, get it?  Yup, date night at the Santa Monica Pier to ride the roller coasters and rides.  David compares all the rides they go on to past episode dates, proving that he is in fact a superfan but also the most depressing thing ever knowing a straight guy knows this much about the franchise.  Carnivals provide limited entertainment and the three of them end up skinny dipping at the beach.

Blakeley's already in her crazy mode, worrying that she's not able to trust Chris.  She's pretty right since he sneaks off with Jamie and they kiss in the dark on a bed.  "Nothing could ruin this moment," Chris interviews and cue the Blakeley tip off for her to find the two smooching.  Blakeley tells Jamie she's changed since their season for the worse and Jamie makes a comment about taking her partner.  Chris wants to know why Blakeley (and Jaclyn) busted in and it's because Blakeley is her to focus on a partner that's going to give her money.  Turns out waxing buttcracks and lady biz isn't a super profitable career.  Who knew?

The fans sure have learned how to play this game from watching the show, as David and the twins set out on a plan to get the others to vote for Erica and Nick since they already have one penalty vote each.  David straight-up tells Erica he's voting for her when she asks.  He explains they are outsiders and the votes against her give them a fighting chance to keep fans in the game.  So, way to tell your entire gameplay to the opposing side who now know your entire hand and can take you down.  Morons.  It's Chris "SWAT" who is in trouble because he's the only male fan left to vote for with Nick's immunity.  Erica Rose begins fake crying to get votes and Michael Stag takes her side.  She goes outside to call David an "ugly loser" and she thinks anyone who calls themselves a fan is pathetic.  I think it's more pathetic that you're so desperate for love and attention that you went on a reality show, but that's just me.

Voting and rose ceremony night is upon them and there's talk about the votes and anonymity, etc.  It's Michael Stag who continues to be fantastic, who finds it fascinating some people don't get they're on a game show.  A sense of reason in a mansion of ding-dongs.  The Greek chorus of this show, narrating the madness to us.  MARRY ME MICHAEL.  For the men, it's either Nick or Chris "SWAT" going home, with a potentially obvious conclusion since the noobs don't have the majority.  SWAT makes attempts to campaign and align a bit with the veterans, but they blow smoke up his ass about not being sure about their votes yet.  David screwed over SWAT royally by opening his big, cocky mouth. 

To save her own ass, Erica gets all her veteran pals to vote off Reid's partner Paige.  Reid is going to fight for his partner to stay and she hopes to stay for the money and maybe some Reid bonding time. Can't blame her. I heart Reid.  Going down the line of votes, it appears it would be a 6-5 vote with Erica staying, and it becomes evident icky Kalon is the swing vote to possibly save Paige.  Kalon has wanted Erica gone since the moment he pulled up in his douchey sportscar and of course she slithers into the conversation to make sure neither are voting her off, tossing in an awkward side hug to seal the deal.  Reid and Paige celebrate the vote switch, but suddenly they realize they never talked to Chris "SWAT" and he's bitter about this fan plan that screwed him over.  Ut-oh.  Not wanting to go along with the plan that f'ed him, SWAT gives his elimination vote to Paige.  So two fans are out the door right away and the rest will be picked off very soon I bet.

July 23, 2012

The Bachelorette: There's Also Only One F in Fiance

The Bachelorette Finale
In "the most anticipated event of summer television," Emily will wrap up her journey of maybe finding her true love.  Emily's parents, her brother, future sister-in-law, and Ricki are brought down to Curacao to help with the big decision.  Ricki immediately violates two of life's major rules: 1. no running by the pool, 2. no fanny packs ever.

Both Jef and Arie meet Emily's family (not at the same time, but let's condense their meetings for brevity).  Decked in their Tommy Bahama best (except dad who wears a denim shirt with a company monogram for Arie), they grill Emily's guys about how much they love her.  Shocker, both guys are head over heels for Emily, want to be a good dad, and want to marry her.  Mom is happy, skeptical brother ends up liking both guys, and dad easily approves both requests for Emily's hand in marriage.  Weirdly though, the family seemed to think Arie was going to be selfish.  Wonder if mom googled Reality Steve's spoilers.  It's a gift of all his dried up roses from Emily that shows mom that Arie's a decent dude.  Or a hoarder.

Emily pow wows to find of "what y'all think" about her guys.  No one has a clear opinion of which guy is a better pick (my opinion: vote of which one's dumb hair you prefer).  Emily feels like the family isn't giving a true opinion, afraid to offend her, but they are seriously torn.  Emily says she is in love, but her dad doesn't think it's possible to love two people at once.  Mom points out that the most important thing is how they interact with Ricki and Emily says she doesn't think she wants Ricki to meet them. SAY WHAT? Ok... Since Emily is torn, mom encourages not getting engaged and wait to see how they do get along with Ricki.  Suddenly Emily questions everything: are either of these guys right for her if she doesn't truly know the right choice yet?  Oh the problems of the young, beautiful reality show lead.
Jef and Emily meet up on the beach for their last date together.  Jef wants to know how she's feeling, what she's thinking, why she's stressed.  Jef isn't stressed because he feels so sure, a feeling he didn't think would happen.  Jef's concern is not meeting Ricki, the biggest part of her life and family. It's one of the most serious discussions I think I've seen on this show, a true back and forth discussion of Emily's concerns, regrets from the Brad saga, Jef's concerns, pros/cons, etc.  Deep stuff, yo!  But because Emily is so confident (but still a bit hesitant), Emily decides to introduce Jef to Ricki.  Emily brings Jef back to her place where Ricki is swimming and after a minutes awkward minutes Ricki loves Jef and they're playing in the pool together.  Jef and Ricki's bonding makes Emily smile, knowing for sure Jef would be an awesome dad and husband.  Later that night, Emily meets Jef for their final dinner and talk about what a good day they had (good sign: Ricki wants to hang with Jef again).  They recap their slow-to-develop but now wonderful relationship and agree they both love hanging out with each other, then thank each other a bunch.  As always on last dates, Jef gives Emily a book of Curacao as a gift to remind her of the time she spent her, hopefully with him by drawing stick figures into the places they visited.  Emily feels like Jef gets her, and she gets him and they kiss a bunch.  As Emily leaves, Jef stands in the rain and lightning in deep thought, hoping the last kiss goodbye from Emily won't be his last.

The next morning, Emily explains she's woken up with a feeling of peace about what she needed to do.  There's a knock on the door and it's Chris Harrison, who Emily hopes can help her out with this process seeing as he's seen numerous couples go through this experience.  Emily tells Chris how she introduced Jef to Ricki because whatever she wants in the end of this, any sort of commitment means she needed them to know the full her.  Emily was worried that she'd be going back and forth until the final day, torn between two guys, but the Jef visit solidi fed it for her: Jef is the one for her.  The ut-oh: Arie.  Emily doesn't want to crush Arie and can't even feel happy for the joy she has found, knowing she's gotta be the dumper to another guy who loves her.  Emily still has a date with him today and doesn't want to lead him on for a whole day because it's not fair.  Chris thinks what Emily is doing the right thing and to be as honest with Arie as she has been in the conversation with Chris.  Sage advice from the man with limited hand gestures.
Arie arrives at the date first, making a love potion for Emily alone with some local lady at a botanical garden.  Oh dear god, this is the most depressing lead-up to a dumping ever.  Arie hopes his love potion will work and Emily will say she loves him back, he'll propose, he'll meet Ricki and they'll be together forever.  Emily arrives, walking out of her car with her arm crossed and such a stink-face, but plasters on a smile for Arie.  He gives her the love potion, applying it to her arms, and she's using her mom voice.  The vibe is definitely weird and Arie can sense something is up.  Emily breaks down into tears and begins to deliver the bad news.  Early on Emily felt like her guy was definitely him, but something changed for her, and he's baffled.  She's crying, he's shrugging and looking off in shocked confusion.  Emily's explanation is that in the end, she just has more confidence in Jef.  Arie gets up to leave because he has nothing left to say so walks away, though he thanks her for not having to face the embarrassment of having a proposal rejected.  A quick peck on the cheek, and Arie hops into the SUV to lament his loss.  I too thought early on Emily and Arie was a done deal, but the last two or three weeks you could just see in Emily's face the love she had for Jef.

The Arie ordeal over, Emily wakes up happy, relieved, and ready to write all this stuff in her journal.  Jef has the edge Emily wanted, yet is kind, sweet, and a great potential husband and dad.  Emily thinks they'll be a team and can't wait for Jef to know not only was he the only guy to meet Ricki, but he's the only guy that will see her that proposal day.  Meanwhile, Jef meets the Neil Lane guy, relieved to not be donating another ring to Brad Womack's romantic endeavors.  Jef says that Emily makes him feel like he's found someone that fits her perfectly and she's everything he's ever wanted and more.  Jef is hoping he'll hear Emily say she loves him, Emily isn't sure she wants to be engaged, fearing perhaps this won't all workout and she'll be alone again.  Oh Brad you ruined everything!

In a peach/blush flowing evening gown with a beaded top, Emily at her flowered altar/steps for Jef to arrive.  Jef is looking sharp in his suit, his Brandon Walsh hair looking a bit shorter than usual, arrives at the venue.  They greet each other with hugs and compliments and a speech from Emily: she tells him this whole experience was worth it and she believes he is her soulmate and she loves him.  Emily tells him that she is so sure in him and Arie isn't even there today; this is their day.  Jef gives another one of his fantastic speeches about his love for her and how well they click, ending in a proposal.  Of course Emily says yes and they kiss and it's wonderful.  Ricki comes running out and they leave the three of them hand-in-hand.  No I'm not tearing up a little, I'm chopping onions!!!  Though huge jeers to the awful montage of their relationship set to Chicago/Karate Kid 2's "Glory of Love."  C'mon now, CORNY.

And I have to say it people... I'm really glad I didn't read the spoilers this season.

After the Final Rose
After the Final Rose has actually been live the entire finale night.  The live audience laughed and cried live to the episode, though my favorite were the long shots of stunned silence after Emily dumped Arie. Major LOL for the sad faces.  Because there isn't an extra date to drag out 10-15 minutes, Chris Harrison talks to former Bachelorettes Deanna and Ashley, Ashley's winning fiance JP, past contestant who got cut early in Brad's season Ashley S (who writes awesome recaps, BTW), and fan favorite Michael Stagliano about Emily's difficult choice and Arie's heartbreak. 

With the episode done, Chris Harrison brings Emily (and her straight hair) out on stage to swoon over Jef.  Sure the giant donated ring is gorgeous, but for Emily it's about the amazing guy that she got.  

But first, Arie comes on stage and it makes Emily nervous to see him as she has some guilt over the crappy dumping in Curacao.  Arie's given an open forum to talk and he says that watching the show really helped him, sort of cathartic.  He's glad Emily's happy, but he's still hurt and he was quite shocked at the dumping.  Arie wanted some real closure because he didn't have a good reason for the dumping in Curacao.  Emily, now better at being direct, tells Arie she's sorry but she purely had more long-term confidence with Jef.  And then we find out that after leaving Curacao, Arie flew to Charlotte hoping to see Emily, hiding out from the world because he couldn't deal, seeking closure or a new beginning.  But when Arie got there, he decided he had more respect for Jef (his BFF during the show) and Ricki and this move didn't feel right.  They chatted on the phone, Arie left a journal for her to read about his feelings, and went back home.  Emily never opened the journal, because reading another person's journal is shitty, and brought the journal to give it back to Arie.  And then they beat the journal/closure topic like a dead horse, over and over.  But the good news is Arie and Jef are still buds, talking on the phone, and knowing about Jef and Emily's happiness through those calls helped Arie move on.  Thanks for the long ramble that'll be your Bachelor audition reel.

Finally able to be together in public, Jef comes out to join Emily and bask in their love.  Jef talks about how Emily is actually funny but the show didn't show it, she's a great mom, caring, gorgeous; endless adjectives.  They've actually visited each other nearly every weekend, sometimes with Ricki too, a sweet bonding little family.  They tease Emily for taking so long to say yes to the proposal, but Emily admits fear and not wanting to be engaged fifteen times and never make it down the aisle.  Now that they can be in the open, they're going to Africa together to build wells and do humanitarian stuff.  They've also decided that the best move for the relationship is for Jef to move to Charlotte, that way Ricki doesn't have to be uprooted from friends and family.  It's kind of awesome for once it's not expected of the woman to move wherever the guy goes.  There's a wedding in the works, but Emily hates to admit it because of the whole cliche of the show and coming on the finale blabbing about the wedding.  Good to see a happy couple, hope it works out for them.  In good news for me, after all the snarky there's a happy ending and I can continue being a jerk with Bachelor Pad recaps!

July 19, 2012

Big Brother 14: Eat Your F'ing Froot Loops

7/19/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 14 - Week 1

Big Brother is back bitches!!! Julie Chen is back in a dazzling Charlie's Angels red onesie to lock 12 new houseguests into the house for fun, fights, producer manipulation. Along with the 12, 2 former "legends" will enter the house too to play their own game... as mentors. If this is news to you, then use the internet more. AND someone will go home by the end of the night.

But first, let's meet the houseguests. My pick to win Frank wants to be one of the best players ever. Shane flips houses. Danielle's a cute nurse. Jodi's a newlywed. Ian's an engineering major at Tulane and he's an adorable dorl. Wil has hair like Fabio and likes a cocktail. Willie is a Hantz, of that awful Survivor family legacy. JoJo talks about being from New York, but she means Staten Island not New York City. Kara's a model AKA former playmate. Joe's a chef, Jenn's a gay Puerto Rican rocker from the band Kitty, Ashley spray tans people. Everyone packs their bags (Daisy Dukes for Danielle, Bo Dukes for Frank) and head to California to become willing prisoners for a chance at $500,000.

Well if you haven't already known for two weeks, Julie intros a video package of the coaches/mentors. They are Season 10 winner Dan, Season 6/All Stars Janelle the veto queen, Season 12 Britney, and Season 2/All Stars winner Mike "Boogie" Malin. Boogie will need to prove himself without Will. Britney is by no means a legend, but she is hilarious and I like her.

The houseguests begin to enter the house, a complete mindfuck of colors. It's like a CMYK color guide blew it's load everywhere. But I do love it. After picking beds, the HGs celebrate by poppin' bottles and introducing themselves. Willie doesn't mention his relative, but Ian is a HUGE Survivor fan and notices the resemblance. Danielle lies that she's a kindergarten teacher instead of a nurse so that she seems naive and stupid. Frank says he's looking for work, meaning unemployed, but Jodi thinks he's hiding the truth. Nope, just no job but smart thinking in a way. Jenn starts a toast to the summer ahead but everyone knows the shitstorm is a-comin'.

Julie comes on the house's TV screen to announce that four former HGs are returning to the house (NOOOO they scream), nope to coach them. Each coach will pick 3 houseguests to coach and if their person wins in the end, the coach gets $100,000. Dan enters first, then Britney, and Boogie who says "Daddy's home." GROSS. And finally Janelle who charms the houseguests AND Britney who loves her. Boogie reminds us of his history with Janelle: he cast the vote to evict her in the final 3 of All Stars. Right away, Dan tells Willie he looks just like Russell Hantz, but Willie denies it. Everyone knows it's true and the coaches see that as a potential liability.

Another Julie announcement time! While 12 people received invitations to the house, only 11 people will get keys. Someone is leaving tonight, y'all! Before the first competition, the coaches have to pick their teams. Britney's team is Shane, Willie, and JoJo. Boogie picks Frank, Ian, Jenn. Janelle's team is Wil, Ashley, and Joe. Dan chooses Kara, Danielle, and acquires Jodi as last pick.

The first HOH competition is a slumber party team competition. The coach of the winning team gets to decide which member of the team gets to be the first HOH. The team that comes in last place will lose one player, picked by their coach. The challenge is to run across mattresses and pick up three teddy bears. At the 20 minute mark the coaches can make a substitution and I'm so confused because shouldn't this take minutes? Oh that's because the mattresses are spinning, bumping around, and just asking for players to fall down. The other teams move along slowly by surely, but Dan's team of all ladies are failing. Every time someone belly flops onto one of those mattresses I cringe a little. Ouch, boobs. Britney's team is the first to complete the challenge. The twenty minute mark hits, so the substitutions head in. Janelle's team comes in second, Boogie's third, and Dan's last. Britney names Willie the Head of Household, so that he can make deals and solidify himself in the house. Dan has to send one of his players out of the game for good and after conversations with his team, he decides to evict superfan Jodi. Aww!

Willie gets his purple and grey HOH room, but the surprise is the second room attached to his, a special room for the HOH's coach.  Janelle and Britney decide to create a team alliance, assuming Boogie and Dan have done the same.  Since they aren't playing the game and merely mentors, they decide to get the teams together to force the magic, which includes shit-talking Boogie as much as possible. Willie admits his team (Britney, Jojo, Shane) that he is an infamous Hantz.  The two girls team make a two-week pact to vote together and get both teams on board.  And then Joe yells in the Diary Room about this deal and I'm assuming he's shouting so we will on go on Twitter and talk about him since he's totally unmemorable elsewise.

Superfan Ian is a hot topic.  He's constantly moving, lurks around the bathroom while the girls shower, and is socially awkward.  He's even caught by the HOH camera creeping around the house in the wee hours of the night, exploring under couches and spanking himself with his key.  "Creeper" is definitely an accurate term.  But I still find Middle Earth creature Boogie far creepier than a majorly socially awkward Ian.  In terms of most annoying, Joe is a Diary Room yeller and domineering in the kitchen.  Joe is wasting all the food, which is a limited stock.

There is a new competition for only the coaches to compete in called, creatively, the Coaches Competition.  The winner of the coaches competition gets to grant immunity to one of their players.  It also determines the Have Nots (cold showers, slop, and a 60s acid trip inspired Have Not room).  The backyard is made into a poor person's horsetrack, the houseguests wearing their finest big hats.  The coaches are jockeys riding ponies, running in two coach heats to race around the Big Brother derby track to rip off the other player's tail.  Oh but the track is of course slicked up saran wrap because the show can never think of a new idea.  Because Dan is a horrible coach, he throws this challenge because who in their right mind wants to keep their only two shots at $100k in the game?  Dumb idiot.  Boogie beats Janelle in the final heat, getting cocky at his victory, and picks Ian to be safe this week.  Probably smart to save the obvious creeper to nominate.  Each of the coaches has to pick a player to be a Have Not and those players are Shane, Danielle, Ashley, and Ian.  Superfan Ian has dreamt of the day to eat a big bowl of slop.

With Ian safe, Willie's whole nomination plan is out the door.  Britney and Janelle think it would be wise to nominate a player on Boogie and Danielle's team they wouldn't want to lose.  For Dan's team it's Kara and for Boogie it would be Willie.  But Willie made a deal and gave his word earlier with Frank, so now he might have to go back on his word.  Boogie and Frank are quite confident in his position in the house because he's funny and popular.  Boogie makes sure to wheel and deal with Willie too, giving advice to maybe pick off someone where he can easily blend back into the house after without stirring up too much shit.  Said person: annoying cook Joe.  Boogie's attempts at persuasion fail: Willie nominates Frank and Kara for eviction.

Frank's shocked that Willie went back on his word, Kara is crying because she thinks they want her gone (Dan assures her that won't happen).  Boogie's advice to Frank is to let Kara cry, be calm, and try to get in good with Willie.  Willie explains that it's not necessarily Frank, it's that Boogie might get into Frank's head to get Willie out next week.  Frank explains he's playing for himself, not Boogie, and he hopes to work together with Willie should he last.  Coaches Britney and Janelle wonder who is the best one to send home and they laugh that they made their teams pair up and turn on Boogie/Dan.  HA HA you forced people into terrible alliances that will lose them the game!  After days of the Jimmy Duggan coaching method (sitting around, doing nothing, scratching his balls), Boogie starts a failing attempt at wheelin' and dealin', trying to get Britney to get one of Janelle's team as the replacement and throwing Dan under the bus to align with Janelle (and she tells this to Dan right away to create a wedge). Basically, the houseguests are all pawns in a coach battle.

Willie, Frank, Kara, Shane, Danielle, and Wil are the names drawn to compete in the first Power of Veto competition.  JoJo puts on a green bikini, makes a horrible pun about mob "laundering," and then tries to be this sexy host wiggling as she reads the rules.  You will fail at any hosting jobs you think you'll get sweetie.  The competition is to find $1.30 worth of giant change, hidden in slippery soap suds, and toss it into a fake vending machine to pay for their laundry.  Shane ends up winning the veto, meaning he may have to come through on all the earlier deals he made to both nominees to potentially save them.

Britney is adamant Shane not use the veto, letting them know about Boogie's declaration of war.  Shane hears her but also doesn't care because he's playing an individual game.  Shane goes for some game discussion with both nominees and their coaches, being non-committal to everyone.  Of course Shane does not use the Power of Veto because there's no need to draw attention to yourself week one.  But Frank does say "Appreesh" in his speech so I guess it's worth the dragged out ceremony.  But hey, Ian knows how to kick himself in the head so this episode was sooo worth it.

With the veto packed away for the week, Willie lets Frank know he's secure this week as long as Frank doesn't go around campaigning and scrambling for votes.  Frank promises not to and sees potentially for their future partnership.  Willie's alliance knows Frank is a powerhouse, but taking Kara out would eliminate another one of Dan's players and he can't be trusted because he's a smooth rider.  Britney oversees Janelle whispering with Dan, trying to to maybe make deals, and Britney is not pleased.  What Britney also notices is that on the memory wall there are key slots next to the coaches pictures; she thinks maybe they will enter the game.  Britney confides this to Willie: the key slots, how the number of current players doesn't align with the time left in the house.  Willie does not like this twist because he thinks the coaches aren't looking out for their players best interest, but their future interest.  

Willie calls a house meeting in the HOH room for all the newbies, no coaches!  Despite being sworn to secrecy, Willie doesn't want this shit to go down.  In the meeting, he urges the players to play their own game and not let the coaches make your decisions for you.  He then drops the big bomb that there's a chance coaches are coming back into this game.  Everyone agrees (though the edit makes you think everyone ignored this) that this is a possibility except Joe who thinks they're are jumping to conclusions. Wil wants 24 hours of no game talk.  This seems like a pointless thing to mention in the blog, but it matters. Trust me, non-feed watchers.

Because of the meeting, Frank is worried about his safety because Willie preached play your own game and any smart player would vote off a physical threat.  Willie mimics Wil's request for 24 hours of no game-talk, using a tone that Frank construes as derogatory.  Joe tells Frank about Willie's plan to split votes to make the vote closer for Frank and detract for their alliance.  Frank is shocked because Willie is making it sounds like a clean-sweap vote.  Ticked off and looking to show Joe some mutual trust, he tells Joe (and Jenn) about Willie mocking Wil.  House tattletoe Joe tells Wil and boy is he not happy, though it snowballs into "gay slur" which isn't true.  Britney talks to Joe and Wil, then heads up to HOH to let Willie know he's in deep shit.  Willie is furious at his sorta ally.  Out into the backyard Willie stomps and confronts Frank.  Willie doesn't want his name dragged in the dirt, but Frank points out Willie broke his word to him and that the votes were too close for him to sit around twiddlin' his thumbs.  Willie hopes Frank goes home because he's a "shady motherfucker" and Frank's like "no, I'm a smooth talkin' motherfucker."  Willie doesn't care, wants to sit in the yard, eat his cereal and smoke.  Frank responds, "Eat your fuckin' Froot Loops, I ain't worried about it."  Big Brother quote of the season, week one!  Let me tell you, this week of feeds was phenomenal.

After the Julie interrogation, Frank and Kara give their last chance speeches. Frank stresses that bully sucks and don't let a person bully you to vote a certain way.  Ugh, I don't like Willie but he wasn't bullying people into vote for or against Frank.  Did he campaign? Sure, but he didn't threaten people who didn't follow his commands.  Boring Kara says to vote who will get your farther.  And then comes the live voting, which is disappointing that they omitted the hectic week of constant flip-flopping of votes, the formation of the "Diversity" alliance, and the potential of a tie forced by Ashley who was in both alliances of the house.  In a 5-3 vote, boring Playmate Kara is evicted from the Big Brother house.  My pick to win survives- yesssssss.  Kara thinks part of her target was because uber-popular Dan was her coach, but also maybe because she's boring and doesn't talk.  But hey, Hugh Hefner tweeted support for her and isn't that all the validation one needs?

All night, HGs were interrupted by news breaks from BB TV Breaking News about a fatass cat burglar wearing his Hamburler best stealing items from the house.  The live Head of Household competition is to answer questions about the new breaks and shenanigans of the fatass burglar (guilty or not guilty, aka true or false).  The HOH competition comes down to Wil and Frank after everyone gets knocked out on a question about which leg the burglar shaved (weird).  My pick-to-win Frank wins HOH and Willie is definitely not pleased.  But this isn't the only big news, as Julie announces for this week's coach's competition, the winner can either keep one of their players safe or to trade one of their players for another coach's player.  Interesting!

Reality Rundown: When In Glass Houses, Get Drunk (and Fight)

7/19/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments
The Glass HouseSo You Think You Can Dance

The Glass House- Andrea wants to stick to her alliance, but also wants to win so starts to chat up Joy and Stephanie to try to make strides forward with the other side.  When playing peacemaker Erica tells Andrea that she likes her, but she doesn't trust her.  Mike is surprised Gene picked a side, meaning the other side, and finds that other side arrogant and cocky. I think they're fun, especially when the viewers make Gene and Jeffrey swap clothes for 24 hours.  Holly gets pissed that the other side hates Ashley and gets into a yelling match with Joy, accusing her of being jealous of Holly's immense beauty.  Alcohol makes this show way better; take notice Big Brother.  Mike then jumps into to fight with Joy because Mike seems to butt into everything. Joy gets snippy with her flirting partner Gene, and he gets a little sad but they cuddle and make amends.  And since viewers put them in the same bed/bedroom, they cuddle, kiss, and use a pillow to block boners.  
Kevin and Ashley come up the banking tubes to find out who the viewers have saved and who gets sucked away forever.  Considering Ashley has been a team captain since week one (which means viewers hate her), I think we know how this will turn out.  Down the tube goes Ashley, meaning at least we'll get to find out which player the viewers hate next.  Kevin turns and pow-wows with Mike and Holly to focus on "taking the high road" and getting the other side eliminated.  Jeffrey from the other side talks to Kevin and Mike to maybe work a deal, keep the communication open; they agree but it's a bit of plotting and gaming on Jeffrey's behalf.  I love the Ginger Bear.

Holly and Mike are the team captains, meaning the strategy of Kevin being sent to Limbo to assure Mike could possibly go next time was a great strategy.  Mike is willing to be the team captain with the "other side" since Holly did it last week, hoping to lose and bring someone they hate to Limbo.  The challenge is for teams to break the other team's panes on glass on a rotating windmill using launchers and slingshots.  Once slingshots are allowed, Mike really gets his rhythm whereas Andrea fails terribly.  The red team didn't strategically plan the shooters and blocker (strong Kevin blocking? Such a waste).  So the plan to lose again to eliminate the other side doesn't work but Mike isn't stressin' because he wanted to win to save himself.

Orie's soothing chimes bring all the players into the living room for a special visit.  Up from the tube comes week one asshole Alex Stein and his baggage in the other tube.  Alex immediately apologizes for his actions of being a huge dick and rude to everyone and says it was because the viewers told him to be a villain.  It seems the viewers have voted from Alex to return to the house- NOOOO.  Oh just to give the Fanswers- PHEW.  Jeffrey learns sending someone to Limbo twice in a row isn't a bad thing, Joy's happy to find out the viewers would rather keep Gene around than Kevin, and Stephanie gets validation from the viewers that Andrea is who they want in Limbo.  And then thankfully Primetime Alex Stein disappears down the tube again.

The question again becomes who do you send the Limbo with Holly who I think obviously will be out (team captain two weeks in a row means the viewers hate you).  Stephanie isn't an option because she's the "other sides" bud, so the choice is Andrea or Kevin.  It seems cruel to send Kevin for a second week in a row.  Jeffrey thinks Andrea is low in popularity so maybe they should keep her around, betting on the chance she'll be voted captain next week (because if she goes to Limbo, she's immune from being a captain).  Andrea cries about losing the challenge and wondering about her place in this game, but also knows if she goes to Limbo she'll at least know how she stands with viewers.  Andrea will find out soon enough as she is sent to Limbo along with elimination-no-brainer Holly.

So You Think You Can Dance - The show begins with a spectacular hip hop routine that I swear could've been from the mind of Sonja (but it's Nappytabs!).  It's sort of a skeleton goth number set to Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People."  I typically hate when all 20 dance together because the stage looks overcrowded, but Napoleon and Tabatha balanced it well to be an exciting number.  It's good that the big group numbers are staying on the show eventhough the results show has been cut.

All twenty dancers get to perform again this week and at the end of the episode, a bottom six will be named and two guys and two girls will be going home.  In the guest judge chair this week is director/choreographer Adam Shankman, still nursing the wounds of Rock of Ages being a failure.  Also, to fill some time, there is a special preview of the movie event of the summer (in my mind only), Step Up Revolution, and some SYTYCD alumni are in the movie so they perform a special routine.  Twitch alert!  But for any Step Up fans like myself you know it ain't shit without MOOSE.

Now something is revealed mid-episode that I'm torn about.  In the past, partners drew their style of dance out of a hat.  This season, they draw a number and then in order from 1-10 (number of teams) they choose a style of dance from a list of options.  What I don't like about that is of course partners will pick their specialty over and over if they get a good number.  Sure maybe they challenge themselves but as revealed by Cyrus and Eliana, who were 7th to pick, they had the choice of jive, foxtrot, Argentinian tango, or Bollywood.  So jeez of course all the early teams picked contemporary and hip hop.  But at the same time, now fate is in your hands so I see the good side too.  I'm torn.

Ok, so onto my picks of the week: favorites first!  Will/Amelia - Sonya Tayeh creates a contemporary routine for Will and Amelia about trying to find the light, with heavy moves, relying on each other so much with long, strong holds.  It's a beautiful choreographed and performed piece with simple music that increases in tempo as it progresses.  Amelia glows when she dances; she's going to be a real end contender for the prize.  Audrey and Matthew continue their dominance as a power couple with a strong and sexy jazz; their chemistry sizzles and could sell a crappy dance.  Lucky for them, this dance was great.  Whitney and Chehon perform a speedy, energy-filled Bollywood that's a great closer for the night.  Whitney is hard to not watch, not just because of her red sari, but her face lights up.  Chehon, sort of a bore thus far, was able to show personality and have fun which really helped him this week.

A few dances were fun, but couldn't be dubbed favorites for little reasons.  In a Broadway number by Sean Cheesman, Brandon nails it as a random dude on a park bench getting violated by some 50 Shades of Grey devouring woman.  Janaya's an improvement over last week, but meh.  Cyrus and Eliana's energetic jive (which btw, aren't all jives supposed to be energetic?) is a fun routine because they're great partners with good chemistry.  I couldn't call it a favorite because Cyrus' actual dancing was only OK this week, his personality saves himself.  Eliana so fabulous and one of my favorite girl dancers.  I also thought Tiffany and George did a beautiful foxtrot that gave me old Hollywood flashbacks.  Truth be told, both are dancers I didn't even remember existed until they came on to perform.  Will the foxtrot garner votes though? We'll see.

 My least favorite of the night is definitely Alexa and Nick's bathtub contemporary piece.  While the pair have great execution, being amazing dancers, I feel no connection to them as dancers at all.  The judges agree with my assessment, with Shankman calling it "chilly."  I also didn't dig Amber and Nick's tango, a second week in a row of ballroom that I'm assuming Nick dictated not Amber.  While Amber was a powerhouse in the number, I overall found myself bored during the dance.  Great dancers, but personality that isn't connecting (Nick in particular; Amber has a chance with a better partner).

Other routines include Lindsay and Cole's slutty dentist hip hop and Janelle and Dareian's lyrical hip hop about a cute proposal.

After all the pairs dance, the twenty dancers are brought on stage and Cat announced the bottom six vote getters: Janaya, Alexa, Whitney, Nick, Dareian, Chehon.  I say all of these are right except Whitney who I think was a shining light in a crummy routine, but if the dance sucked sometimes you can't smile your way out of it.  However, I was surprised to see Nick and Janaya made it to the bottom without their respective partners, so personality does matter to an extent.  Nigel, the voice of the judges, explains they don't need to see anyone perform again as they've seen them dance twice, consulted the others judges, and both weeks choreographers.  Nigel re-iterates that this isn't an elimination as viewers vote FOR dancers, not against dancers to eliminate them.  The four leaving the competition are Janaya, Alexa, Nick, and Daniel and I 100% agree with all four.

July 17, 2012

Reality Rundown: I Love When Emily Swears

7/17/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments
The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All

Recapping the reunion special is always terrible. It's such dumb filler to push off the finale and it annoys me.  I don't care about the rejected guys, especially now that it's just become a forum for people to be as loud as possible to get cast on Bachelor Pad.  But the blog must go on...

The extremely drawn out two hour episode starts with a video-taped interview between Chris Harrison and Emily, with the blotchiest self-tanner application ever, recounting the season.  While Ryan was the guy who made a great first impression, he turned into a chauvinist dick.  In terms of Kalon, Emily thought maybe the guys jumped to hating him just because of the helicopter... until she realized he sucked big time too.  Doug picked an awful moment for a first kiss (getting dumped).  In unseen footage, Emily spills on an expensive dress, sings a lullably to Shelly the egg, Arie's brothers spy on them making out, and Chris is a horrible dancer humiliated in front of a private date crowd.  Thrilling stuff I tell you.

There's a preview of Bachelor Pad which includes a lot of crying, tons of hookups, and shit-talk.  It's the same as every other preview except this season has "superfans" competing alongside to freshen the hookup cesspool.  But at least Michael Stagliano is back being lovable and Erica Rose for that weird, slow, half asleep way she talks.  From this season there's single dad Tony, Heli-Kalon (he needs the $250,000 prize "because helicopter fuel is expensive") and Chris who got dumped in the final four.  And when Chris comes out later still fighting heartbreak, just remember to flashback in your head to this Bachelor Pad preview where he's making out with a bunch of chicks who all want to partner with him.  Devastated by the loss of Emily.

Kalon gets dropped into the hot seat first since he's the season villain and it still doesn't make sense for a guy that only wanted his own biological children to date a single mom.  When he initially signed up, Kalon didn't know who the Bachelorette would be and when he did learn it was Emily, he thought it would be unfair to back out.  Oh really? Unfair to lead someone on or unfair to miss out on a bunch of free shit knowing you weren't likely interested? Still a skeeze.  Kalon won't admit he was rude and makes excuses but know this, he had to be there for fame and the cameras because he signed up for Bachelor Pad.  If you only wanted love and meeting a girl, you'd turn down the spin-off show.  Proof he's an asshole: Kalon is no apologetic for calling Ricki "baggage" and thinks he shouldn't sugarcoat thinks.  Skeeeeeeze.

Ryan is the next villain but less villain and more overinflated ego that turned the world off.  Ryan is rocking an unnatural shade of tan; a brown orange glow that looks like my TV needs to be adjusted.  Ryan thinks some of the answers aired on the show were taken out of context.  Ryan insists he's not arrogant, but confident (eyerolls from all).  Chris gets real pissed at him, asking if Ryan did have actual feelings for Emily, and calls out a conversation where Ryan told other frontrunners they'd be the next Bachelor.  Chris Harrison, showing the personality he lacks all season, soothes fans minds and assures us this is not the case.  Ryan gives some horrible answer about being there to find his wife, except maybe it wasn't Emily.  Ryan denies being a total ass, which Chris Harrison keeps pointing out is hard to argue when you are a giant ass on TV.

After getting time to shout at others, Chris comes on stage to recount the love lost.  Chris was definitely crushed after getting dumped, even angry.  He's ready to love again as Emily showed him how to love again (of course).  Sean is still mending his first real broken heart as he really thought Emily was going to be his wife at the end of this process.  Let's call this conversation "set-up for next season's Bachelor."  Only one broken heart ever, a sincere nice guy, guy who wants the love his parents have, and can't wait to find love?  Sign the contract now.

Emily is brought up to see the guys she dumped, her spray tan applied better than her video.  Emily ugly cried when she watched the episode when she dumped Sean.  She did have true, genuine feelings; Sean thanks her for opening his eyes to love. He's hopeful for the future. The future of being the next Bachelor.  Chris also thanks Emily for "opening his eyes." This phrase should be the night's drinking game.  Emily is ashamed for not being able to see Kalon for the dick he was; Kalon apologizes but she's not buying it, calling it "the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard." YOU GO GURL.  Emily points out all the stuff Kalon's said on social networking recently and knows he's full of it and a true a-hole.  After a quick talk with Ryan about him being a smooth talker, they wind it down with bloopers including Chris Harrison asking Emily how many guys she plans to sleep with ("hopefully all 25").  Important blooper note: in Scotland, there WERE balls shown.

And now we wait until Sunday at 8pm (special day/time!) for the season finale where Emily will choose between Jef or Arie.  OR if you're like me, maybe you're hoping it comes full circle ala her prior fiance Brad Womack and picks neither, or maybe dates both of them past the show to make a decision.  We shall see!

Oh and next Monday: Bachelor Pad!