July 10, 2012

The Bachelorette: Bone Zone Denied

The Bachelorette - Week 9 (Fantasy Suite Dates)
Emily and her final three head down to Curacao for some romantic dates, implied bone zone activity, and finally a GD helicopter. Emily also can't believe "three of the greatest guys I've ever met" are in Curacao to be with her. My question is: who the hell are these other greatest guys she's met? Celebrities? Political figures? Chris Harrison? Emily hopes she doesn't eliminate the wrong guy and uses a stick to write "Emily + ?" in the beach sand, quickly washed away by the tide. OH CLEVER SYMBOLISM.


Emily's first date is with "hasn't-said-I-love-you-yet-to-a-girl-who-can't-say-it-to-him-either" Sean. Emily and Sean are whisked away on a helicopter to which I reply, ABOUT GODDAMN TIME PRODUCERS. Sean does want to tell Emily he loves her, but needs the right, perfect moment to come along. Good thing this helicopter is dropping them off on a romantic deserted island for the two of them (plus a camera crew) to bond. And because Emily always asks tough questions and grills guys, she asks more about Sean's lack of relationships (besides one serious girlfriend) and that he holds back feelings. But boo boring beach chats, let's snorkel and make out in the ocean. At night, Sean throws on a new v-neck tee and Emily a long flowy beach dress for a romantic beach dinner. Sean insists he's not perfect, but he thinks Emily is the best girl he's ever dated and looks forward to being a dad now too. Sean pulls out the millionth fucking letter this year, but this time it's a letter to Ricki to show how much he cares. Emily's all smiles and says this will mean a lot to Ricki too but I doubt this kid can ever read such a long, tedious letter. Sean considers love and engagement one in the same (wrong), but this is all for Sean to tell Emily he has fallen in love with her. Emily and Sean accept the fantasy suite card and strip down to the suities to make out in a hot tub. Emily would love to spend the night making out and talking, but sticks to her original vow: no spending the night, I'm a mom. BONE ZONE DENIED.

It's time to see how tropical weather treats Jef's pompadour. Emily and Jef spend the day at sea on a fantastic boat (no, not some fancy yacht, a sweet sailboat). Jef lets Emily know his siblings loved her, relayed that info to his parents, and they want to meet her too. Jef knows he and Emily will work, but he also thinks most important is that he needs to meet Ricki to make sure they can all work (something I doubt Brad ever said). The boat docks near a cove and Jef paddleboards Emily to shore to cliff jump and, of course, make out in the ocean. After sunset boat makeouts, Jef and Emily share a romantic dinner at a table and not like an afternoon picnic. Jef turns the tables on Emily and grills her with important questions (where will we live, why has she failed at relationships). Jef explains his relationships before haven't worked out because he hadn't seen an endgame before... until now. Jef's last question is the most important: would he be the right fit, a good dad for Ricki? Emily does a long ass ramble to eventually say she could picture Jef in her everyday life. When Jef gets the fantasy suite card, he says while he'd love to accept, he also knows she's a mom, a role model, has family and says he'd rather wait and have a fantasy suite elsewhere. But Emily let's him know they can still hang at the suite, she just won't spend the night. They tongue kiss sitting up on an elaborate day bed until Emily's self-imposed curfew.

Another date, another day at sea. Another sailboat, though this time not as Tall Shipp-y as the other date. They take in the beautiful views of Curacao, J/K, they spend most of the time with their eyes shut suckin' face. But they take a breather to swim with the dolphins. The leaping dolphins freak Emily out, so he protects her because "Arie isn't scared of anything." They're fucking dolphins Emily, who are you Tyra Banks? When discussing their best times together it's apparent that all their great times are just kissing. How will Emily resist the all-night kiss fest the fantasy suite could hold? Dinner is at this little outdoor area with twinkle lights and stuff; it actually kinda looks like Mexico but it's Curacao. Arie also makes the right convo, which is making sure Emily knows being a dad to Ricki is important to him too. That and making out. Arie loves that Emily makes him feel like a man and they kiss a lot over the dinner table. Truthfully, this date bores me and I stopped paying attention. Emily doesn't trust her womanly urges and doesn't give Arie a fantasy suite card at all.

Emily clips on her best fake ponytail and throws on a wifebeater and glittery skirt to kill 33 minutes of airtime by telling Chris Harrison all about her dates. Emily had three perfect dates and plans to follow her heart hopefully not fuck it up. She is excited to find the one at the end of the journey but isn't ready to give up the other dudes. They guys also filmed private video messages for Emily where they all praise her to the high heavens and re-declare their love for her. Emily stoically watches the videos and when they end, she begins to cry. Emily is attached, the guys are attached, and someone's going to be crushed tonight.

Decked out in their beach casual looks (button down shirts, no ties, khakis), the final three men wait for the verdict from Emily. The crickets are chirping to a level so annoying that I thought the ceiling fan in my house was making creaking noises. Emily, her fake ponytail, and push-up bra come out to make her speech about a fairytale ending and the difficult decision. Emily cares a lot about each of them, but she cares about Sean the least and sends him home. But Emily walks Sean out to sit in awkward silence while Sean takes in the break-up. See, THIS is why I think it's absurd that Emily was complaining about Sean not saying I love you when he's gonna get dumped three days later.

Next week: the men tell all but since Emily's a saint they just shit-talk each other!

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