July 19, 2012

Big Brother 14: Eat Your F'ing Froot Loops

7/19/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 14 - Week 1

Big Brother is back bitches!!! Julie Chen is back in a dazzling Charlie's Angels red onesie to lock 12 new houseguests into the house for fun, fights, producer manipulation. Along with the 12, 2 former "legends" will enter the house too to play their own game... as mentors. If this is news to you, then use the internet more. AND someone will go home by the end of the night.

But first, let's meet the houseguests. My pick to win Frank wants to be one of the best players ever. Shane flips houses. Danielle's a cute nurse. Jodi's a newlywed. Ian's an engineering major at Tulane and he's an adorable dorl. Wil has hair like Fabio and likes a cocktail. Willie is a Hantz, of that awful Survivor family legacy. JoJo talks about being from New York, but she means Staten Island not New York City. Kara's a model AKA former playmate. Joe's a chef, Jenn's a gay Puerto Rican rocker from the band Kitty, Ashley spray tans people. Everyone packs their bags (Daisy Dukes for Danielle, Bo Dukes for Frank) and head to California to become willing prisoners for a chance at $500,000.

Well if you haven't already known for two weeks, Julie intros a video package of the coaches/mentors. They are Season 10 winner Dan, Season 6/All Stars Janelle the veto queen, Season 12 Britney, and Season 2/All Stars winner Mike "Boogie" Malin. Boogie will need to prove himself without Will. Britney is by no means a legend, but she is hilarious and I like her.

The houseguests begin to enter the house, a complete mindfuck of colors. It's like a CMYK color guide blew it's load everywhere. But I do love it. After picking beds, the HGs celebrate by poppin' bottles and introducing themselves. Willie doesn't mention his relative, but Ian is a HUGE Survivor fan and notices the resemblance. Danielle lies that she's a kindergarten teacher instead of a nurse so that she seems naive and stupid. Frank says he's looking for work, meaning unemployed, but Jodi thinks he's hiding the truth. Nope, just no job but smart thinking in a way. Jenn starts a toast to the summer ahead but everyone knows the shitstorm is a-comin'.

Julie comes on the house's TV screen to announce that four former HGs are returning to the house (NOOOO they scream), nope to coach them. Each coach will pick 3 houseguests to coach and if their person wins in the end, the coach gets $100,000. Dan enters first, then Britney, and Boogie who says "Daddy's home." GROSS. And finally Janelle who charms the houseguests AND Britney who loves her. Boogie reminds us of his history with Janelle: he cast the vote to evict her in the final 3 of All Stars. Right away, Dan tells Willie he looks just like Russell Hantz, but Willie denies it. Everyone knows it's true and the coaches see that as a potential liability.

Another Julie announcement time! While 12 people received invitations to the house, only 11 people will get keys. Someone is leaving tonight, y'all! Before the first competition, the coaches have to pick their teams. Britney's team is Shane, Willie, and JoJo. Boogie picks Frank, Ian, Jenn. Janelle's team is Wil, Ashley, and Joe. Dan chooses Kara, Danielle, and acquires Jodi as last pick.

The first HOH competition is a slumber party team competition. The coach of the winning team gets to decide which member of the team gets to be the first HOH. The team that comes in last place will lose one player, picked by their coach. The challenge is to run across mattresses and pick up three teddy bears. At the 20 minute mark the coaches can make a substitution and I'm so confused because shouldn't this take minutes? Oh that's because the mattresses are spinning, bumping around, and just asking for players to fall down. The other teams move along slowly by surely, but Dan's team of all ladies are failing. Every time someone belly flops onto one of those mattresses I cringe a little. Ouch, boobs. Britney's team is the first to complete the challenge. The twenty minute mark hits, so the substitutions head in. Janelle's team comes in second, Boogie's third, and Dan's last. Britney names Willie the Head of Household, so that he can make deals and solidify himself in the house. Dan has to send one of his players out of the game for good and after conversations with his team, he decides to evict superfan Jodi. Aww!

Willie gets his purple and grey HOH room, but the surprise is the second room attached to his, a special room for the HOH's coach.  Janelle and Britney decide to create a team alliance, assuming Boogie and Dan have done the same.  Since they aren't playing the game and merely mentors, they decide to get the teams together to force the magic, which includes shit-talking Boogie as much as possible. Willie admits his team (Britney, Jojo, Shane) that he is an infamous Hantz.  The two girls team make a two-week pact to vote together and get both teams on board.  And then Joe yells in the Diary Room about this deal and I'm assuming he's shouting so we will on go on Twitter and talk about him since he's totally unmemorable elsewise.

Superfan Ian is a hot topic.  He's constantly moving, lurks around the bathroom while the girls shower, and is socially awkward.  He's even caught by the HOH camera creeping around the house in the wee hours of the night, exploring under couches and spanking himself with his key.  "Creeper" is definitely an accurate term.  But I still find Middle Earth creature Boogie far creepier than a majorly socially awkward Ian.  In terms of most annoying, Joe is a Diary Room yeller and domineering in the kitchen.  Joe is wasting all the food, which is a limited stock.

There is a new competition for only the coaches to compete in called, creatively, the Coaches Competition.  The winner of the coaches competition gets to grant immunity to one of their players.  It also determines the Have Nots (cold showers, slop, and a 60s acid trip inspired Have Not room).  The backyard is made into a poor person's horsetrack, the houseguests wearing their finest big hats.  The coaches are jockeys riding ponies, running in two coach heats to race around the Big Brother derby track to rip off the other player's tail.  Oh but the track is of course slicked up saran wrap because the show can never think of a new idea.  Because Dan is a horrible coach, he throws this challenge because who in their right mind wants to keep their only two shots at $100k in the game?  Dumb idiot.  Boogie beats Janelle in the final heat, getting cocky at his victory, and picks Ian to be safe this week.  Probably smart to save the obvious creeper to nominate.  Each of the coaches has to pick a player to be a Have Not and those players are Shane, Danielle, Ashley, and Ian.  Superfan Ian has dreamt of the day to eat a big bowl of slop.

With Ian safe, Willie's whole nomination plan is out the door.  Britney and Janelle think it would be wise to nominate a player on Boogie and Danielle's team they wouldn't want to lose.  For Dan's team it's Kara and for Boogie it would be Willie.  But Willie made a deal and gave his word earlier with Frank, so now he might have to go back on his word.  Boogie and Frank are quite confident in his position in the house because he's funny and popular.  Boogie makes sure to wheel and deal with Willie too, giving advice to maybe pick off someone where he can easily blend back into the house after without stirring up too much shit.  Said person: annoying cook Joe.  Boogie's attempts at persuasion fail: Willie nominates Frank and Kara for eviction.

Frank's shocked that Willie went back on his word, Kara is crying because she thinks they want her gone (Dan assures her that won't happen).  Boogie's advice to Frank is to let Kara cry, be calm, and try to get in good with Willie.  Willie explains that it's not necessarily Frank, it's that Boogie might get into Frank's head to get Willie out next week.  Frank explains he's playing for himself, not Boogie, and he hopes to work together with Willie should he last.  Coaches Britney and Janelle wonder who is the best one to send home and they laugh that they made their teams pair up and turn on Boogie/Dan.  HA HA you forced people into terrible alliances that will lose them the game!  After days of the Jimmy Duggan coaching method (sitting around, doing nothing, scratching his balls), Boogie starts a failing attempt at wheelin' and dealin', trying to get Britney to get one of Janelle's team as the replacement and throwing Dan under the bus to align with Janelle (and she tells this to Dan right away to create a wedge). Basically, the houseguests are all pawns in a coach battle.

Willie, Frank, Kara, Shane, Danielle, and Wil are the names drawn to compete in the first Power of Veto competition.  JoJo puts on a green bikini, makes a horrible pun about mob "laundering," and then tries to be this sexy host wiggling as she reads the rules.  You will fail at any hosting jobs you think you'll get sweetie.  The competition is to find $1.30 worth of giant change, hidden in slippery soap suds, and toss it into a fake vending machine to pay for their laundry.  Shane ends up winning the veto, meaning he may have to come through on all the earlier deals he made to both nominees to potentially save them.

Britney is adamant Shane not use the veto, letting them know about Boogie's declaration of war.  Shane hears her but also doesn't care because he's playing an individual game.  Shane goes for some game discussion with both nominees and their coaches, being non-committal to everyone.  Of course Shane does not use the Power of Veto because there's no need to draw attention to yourself week one.  But Frank does say "Appreesh" in his speech so I guess it's worth the dragged out ceremony.  But hey, Ian knows how to kick himself in the head so this episode was sooo worth it.

With the veto packed away for the week, Willie lets Frank know he's secure this week as long as Frank doesn't go around campaigning and scrambling for votes.  Frank promises not to and sees potentially for their future partnership.  Willie's alliance knows Frank is a powerhouse, but taking Kara out would eliminate another one of Dan's players and he can't be trusted because he's a smooth rider.  Britney oversees Janelle whispering with Dan, trying to to maybe make deals, and Britney is not pleased.  What Britney also notices is that on the memory wall there are key slots next to the coaches pictures; she thinks maybe they will enter the game.  Britney confides this to Willie: the key slots, how the number of current players doesn't align with the time left in the house.  Willie does not like this twist because he thinks the coaches aren't looking out for their players best interest, but their future interest.  

Willie calls a house meeting in the HOH room for all the newbies, no coaches!  Despite being sworn to secrecy, Willie doesn't want this shit to go down.  In the meeting, he urges the players to play their own game and not let the coaches make your decisions for you.  He then drops the big bomb that there's a chance coaches are coming back into this game.  Everyone agrees (though the edit makes you think everyone ignored this) that this is a possibility except Joe who thinks they're are jumping to conclusions. Wil wants 24 hours of no game talk.  This seems like a pointless thing to mention in the blog, but it matters. Trust me, non-feed watchers.

Because of the meeting, Frank is worried about his safety because Willie preached play your own game and any smart player would vote off a physical threat.  Willie mimics Wil's request for 24 hours of no game-talk, using a tone that Frank construes as derogatory.  Joe tells Frank about Willie's plan to split votes to make the vote closer for Frank and detract for their alliance.  Frank is shocked because Willie is making it sounds like a clean-sweap vote.  Ticked off and looking to show Joe some mutual trust, he tells Joe (and Jenn) about Willie mocking Wil.  House tattletoe Joe tells Wil and boy is he not happy, though it snowballs into "gay slur" which isn't true.  Britney talks to Joe and Wil, then heads up to HOH to let Willie know he's in deep shit.  Willie is furious at his sorta ally.  Out into the backyard Willie stomps and confronts Frank.  Willie doesn't want his name dragged in the dirt, but Frank points out Willie broke his word to him and that the votes were too close for him to sit around twiddlin' his thumbs.  Willie hopes Frank goes home because he's a "shady motherfucker" and Frank's like "no, I'm a smooth talkin' motherfucker."  Willie doesn't care, wants to sit in the yard, eat his cereal and smoke.  Frank responds, "Eat your fuckin' Froot Loops, I ain't worried about it."  Big Brother quote of the season, week one!  Let me tell you, this week of feeds was phenomenal.

After the Julie interrogation, Frank and Kara give their last chance speeches. Frank stresses that bully sucks and don't let a person bully you to vote a certain way.  Ugh, I don't like Willie but he wasn't bullying people into vote for or against Frank.  Did he campaign? Sure, but he didn't threaten people who didn't follow his commands.  Boring Kara says to vote who will get your farther.  And then comes the live voting, which is disappointing that they omitted the hectic week of constant flip-flopping of votes, the formation of the "Diversity" alliance, and the potential of a tie forced by Ashley who was in both alliances of the house.  In a 5-3 vote, boring Playmate Kara is evicted from the Big Brother house.  My pick to win survives- yesssssss.  Kara thinks part of her target was because uber-popular Dan was her coach, but also maybe because she's boring and doesn't talk.  But hey, Hugh Hefner tweeted support for her and isn't that all the validation one needs?

All night, HGs were interrupted by news breaks from BB TV Breaking News about a fatass cat burglar wearing his Hamburler best stealing items from the house.  The live Head of Household competition is to answer questions about the new breaks and shenanigans of the fatass burglar (guilty or not guilty, aka true or false).  The HOH competition comes down to Wil and Frank after everyone gets knocked out on a question about which leg the burglar shaved (weird).  My pick-to-win Frank wins HOH and Willie is definitely not pleased.  But this isn't the only big news, as Julie announces for this week's coach's competition, the winner can either keep one of their players safe or to trade one of their players for another coach's player.  Interesting!