July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad 3: The Lonely Drunk Pool Nymph

7/24/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Bachelor Pad - Week 1

Are you ready for a bunch of famewhores sluttin' it up, hookin' up, crying, and competing for a chance at $250,000?  I AM.  Bachelor Pad is back people and I am ecstatic.  It's the perfect summer trash show.  Along with the trainwrecks we already know, five "superfans" will join the ranks and compete for the prize as well.  Who will be making an ass of themself this season?  Roll that beautiful bean footage.

The most recent reject is Chris from Emily's season who is mending a broken heart and hoping to find someone to fall in love with (LOL I think you mean sleep around with).  He hopes Lindzi from Ben's season of The Bachelor will be there and OMG what a coincidence she is.  One of my favorite guys ever, Reid from Jillian's season, is on the show and he has an arch enemy in that house: Ed, the guy Jillian did pick, and it turns out those nasty tabloid stories about him were true.  Gross.  Also back, Blakeley the former "VIP cocktail" waitress (AT HOOTERS), Jacyln (who got cast by the be loud at the reunion special), and dickhead Kalon (because helicopter fuel is expensive- direct quote).  The superfans are basically all desperate famewhores, the people desperate to be on television that watch this series.  Standout based on the videos is the SWAT guy who sits alone on couch, candles lit, wearing a matching two piece pajama sets with a glass of wine to watch the show.  Oh and there are uggo twins who think they're hot shit competing as one person.

So after sitting through a bunch of video intros, we have to watch everyone enter the house from their limos, greeting Chris Harrison on the slicked up driveway.  Everyone spends the night eyefucking the fresh meat entering the room; such a creepfest.  The girls stare at each other in catty ways, ready to hate on Blakeley before she even walks through the door since practically all the girls are from Ben's season.  Proof that the show is terrified of the racist lawsuit: they brought the one black dude (also a virgin) from Deanna's season.  Because a show can't be full of disgusting lowlifes, fan favorite/last season's winner Michael Stagliano returns.  Start swooning.  And for laughs, slow talking Erica Rose is back for her one liners and hopefully to get beaten alive by eggs again.  But it turns out she sold a story to the tabloids about giant turd Kalon so here comes the dreama.  Kalon enters next, ditching the helicopter in favor of a flashy white convertible sportscar.  The best is the group speculating about the fans being stalkers; like these superfans would even remember half of these no names. I recap the show and barely remembered half of these losers.

Chris Harrison interrupts the fun to explain the rules of the game, emphasizing the important of relationships (hookups).  Ed can't stay focused to listen to the rules, leaving mid-way to return to his drunk blurred-out tightie whitie swimming session.  Chris gives one important order before tomorrow's first challenge: partner up.  Reid picks newbie Paige, with an awful "read the page" pun.  Erica Rose picks Nick because she refuses to partner with the fans because she finds it inappropriate to associate with those similar to "the help."  Blakeley and Chris partner up, but she's so demanding and Chris worries the other girls will vote him off for being associated with a nutter.  It's fugly Jaclyn who gets stuck with Ed, who is too busy being the only blackout drunk in the hot tub.  Jaclyn is pretty afraid of her odds.

The group convenes in the front driveway for the first competition of the show.  "Falling for Love" has each couple sitting inside a giant heart raised above the ground, tilting until it's impossible to stay inside (sooo upside down you mean?).  The losing couple gets an immediately penalty of one vote against them at elimination.  Said losing couple is Nick and Erica Rose and if there's one person I didn't want to lose this it's Erica.  Not because I like her but because she complains so much about everything.  Soon more teams begin to fall and there's one consensus: let the annoying, immature twins fall so they can get voted off.  But of course the twins and other fan David win the first challenge.  They are safe for the week and the three of them (since the twins are one) get a private date together.

The twins and David "pier" into the future, get it?  Yup, date night at the Santa Monica Pier to ride the roller coasters and rides.  David compares all the rides they go on to past episode dates, proving that he is in fact a superfan but also the most depressing thing ever knowing a straight guy knows this much about the franchise.  Carnivals provide limited entertainment and the three of them end up skinny dipping at the beach.

Blakeley's already in her crazy mode, worrying that she's not able to trust Chris.  She's pretty right since he sneaks off with Jamie and they kiss in the dark on a bed.  "Nothing could ruin this moment," Chris interviews and cue the Blakeley tip off for her to find the two smooching.  Blakeley tells Jamie she's changed since their season for the worse and Jamie makes a comment about taking her partner.  Chris wants to know why Blakeley (and Jaclyn) busted in and it's because Blakeley is her to focus on a partner that's going to give her money.  Turns out waxing buttcracks and lady biz isn't a super profitable career.  Who knew?

The fans sure have learned how to play this game from watching the show, as David and the twins set out on a plan to get the others to vote for Erica and Nick since they already have one penalty vote each.  David straight-up tells Erica he's voting for her when she asks.  He explains they are outsiders and the votes against her give them a fighting chance to keep fans in the game.  So, way to tell your entire gameplay to the opposing side who now know your entire hand and can take you down.  Morons.  It's Chris "SWAT" who is in trouble because he's the only male fan left to vote for with Nick's immunity.  Erica Rose begins fake crying to get votes and Michael Stag takes her side.  She goes outside to call David an "ugly loser" and she thinks anyone who calls themselves a fan is pathetic.  I think it's more pathetic that you're so desperate for love and attention that you went on a reality show, but that's just me.

Voting and rose ceremony night is upon them and there's talk about the votes and anonymity, etc.  It's Michael Stag who continues to be fantastic, who finds it fascinating some people don't get they're on a game show.  A sense of reason in a mansion of ding-dongs.  The Greek chorus of this show, narrating the madness to us.  MARRY ME MICHAEL.  For the men, it's either Nick or Chris "SWAT" going home, with a potentially obvious conclusion since the noobs don't have the majority.  SWAT makes attempts to campaign and align a bit with the veterans, but they blow smoke up his ass about not being sure about their votes yet.  David screwed over SWAT royally by opening his big, cocky mouth. 

To save her own ass, Erica gets all her veteran pals to vote off Reid's partner Paige.  Reid is going to fight for his partner to stay and she hopes to stay for the money and maybe some Reid bonding time. Can't blame her. I heart Reid.  Going down the line of votes, it appears it would be a 6-5 vote with Erica staying, and it becomes evident icky Kalon is the swing vote to possibly save Paige.  Kalon has wanted Erica gone since the moment he pulled up in his douchey sportscar and of course she slithers into the conversation to make sure neither are voting her off, tossing in an awkward side hug to seal the deal.  Reid and Paige celebrate the vote switch, but suddenly they realize they never talked to Chris "SWAT" and he's bitter about this fan plan that screwed him over.  Ut-oh.  Not wanting to go along with the plan that f'ed him, SWAT gives his elimination vote to Paige.  So two fans are out the door right away and the rest will be picked off very soon I bet.

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