Bachelor Pad 3: Most Epic Bachelor Pad Ever

8/21/2012 / Comments (0) / by Mel Got Served

Bachelor Pad 3 - Week 5
Chris is enemy #1 in the house. He realizes he's screwed and narrows down the flip vote to either Ed or Kalon. When probed, Kalon lies more. God I hate him yet I love him for this show. Chris can't believe his buddies both lied to his face. Really? I could because you're a dick. Ed admits he changed his vote last minute, but he went along with his partners wishes and also crazy Jamie voted for him before. Chris mopes more. DRAMA AMIRITE???

This week's challenge reminds me of the ol' Survivor go-to: race between tables and stack/balance cups and saucers on a tray (six total). They call it "The Great Fall of China" because it's china plates- GET IT? Doubt it china, probably Target-brand. Blakeley the former Hooters waitress totally has this in the bag (even she drops once she gets to five saucers). Who doesn't have it? Erica Rose, of course, who just walks back and forth dropping plates semi-intentionally. Bless her heart. The women's race comes down to Blakeley and Sara, with Sara finishing first but she touched her cups and gets DQ'd. Blakeley wins for the women; Chris mopes. The men then compete and Blakeley decides to coach her new partner, Tony, so hopefully that dickface Chris loses. This drives Sara insane because she's obsessed with Chris now. Blakeley is a waitress plate-stacking Yoda, leading Tony to victory. Blakeley and Tony get roses, dates, and the satisfaction of not giving Chris a rose. Chris mopes more.

Blakeley and Tony decide to go on their date together and gives her date rose/immunity to Kalon. Blakeley has the choice also of taking date #1 or #2, so picks her the overnight option for the chance of "Vegas and helicopters." OBVS. When Kalon's date Lindzi opens up a box to find some expensive (rented) jewels and a key for a Bentley, Blakeley hides her jealously. The date card mentions "pretty women" and Lindzi assumes it might be like the movie. You meant they're forcing you into prostitution? Actually, they drive the Bentley to a totally closed-off bridge for dinner in the middle of the bridge, complete with a chandelier. It's so romantic even Kalon doesn't know how he'll blow money in the future to impress Lindzi. Kalon tells Lindzi how surprised, shocked he is that maybe he's found love on another dumbass show.

Tony's date box includes a map of California and random keys (not helicopter keys, Kalon confirms - I weep a little) to "see the stars with." The mystery keys belong to a jeep, and Blakeley thinks they're driving to a helicopter. Gurl, please. Instead the date is an adorable Airstream trailer with lawn flamingos and hodge podge decorations. Yeah in terms of Bachelor Pad dates, ya got screwed! But in the real world it's a cute date. Blakeley puts the superficial aside and embraces the date as a chance to get to know Tony. Tony turns the car radio on (someone could give a shit about the battery) and they slow dance to the greatest country song ever made: "They Say Love Don't Come Easy" by evil Wes from Jillian's season and the first Bachelor Pad. SO AMAZING. Oh and they kiss and it's sweet. And maybe they make sweet, sweet love in the tiny trailer bed. We don't know!

Around the house, Chris spends his inevitable week of doom moping all over the house, but denying that he's moping and claiming he'll go out as a man. Scorned by the betrayal of Kalon, Chris comes up with the diabolical plan to get Lindzi out of the game. Chris' first stop to begin his plan is with Ed, wanting to put the last vote behind and be buds again. Chris begins to plant the seeds that Kalon isn't trustworthy and they must cripple his game by voting off Lindzi. Not all is Chris' last minute desperation. Michael Stag sets up a nice romantic balcony for him and Rachel to have a private date on. He's got his guitar for some sweet tunes too- yesss. Both seems to be getting the love feelings, not to mention bone zone desires.

Tony and Blakeley return from their date all smiles, giddily telling the details of their date. Chris mopes, talks about Tony being overtaken by the Blakeley spell. Oh Chris STFU. Tony has a rose to give one of the ladies so Chris pulls Tony aside right away to make sure Lindzi doesn't receive that rose. Tony tells Blakeley he's considering giving Sara the rose because if it weren't for her they wouldn't be together. Oh jesus Tony, you're dumb. Tony begins to hand his rose, hesistating at the same time Blakeley is gesturing to someone. Now when a Chris interrupts it's usually that puppet-handed Harrison, but no annoying Chris stands up to pull Tony aside again and beg him to give Sara the rose. Tony thankfully isn't a total moron and gives the rose to Jaclyn.

The Chris that is supposed to make interruptions does so this week with news of a shake-up to the game. Pretty much every team in the house is a real life couple, well except Ed who openly says he's not into Jaclyn and she's totally humiliated. Tonight, everyone will vote for one woman to go home. That woman with the most votes will then choose which man gets eliminated with her. This is what we call production's obvious interference to keep Chris in the game. All plans for this wee are out the door, including Chris' plan to get rid of Lindzi. The problem now is if the house votes off Sara, she will take out power player. Michael Stag hates to do this to a good friend, but he proposes voting off Erica Rose. As part of the masterminding, Michael is going to convince Eric that Chris is the one rallying the votes so she'll pick him as the guy to go home. Michael Stag, you sneaky SOB. I'm going to hug that creepy sketch of you tonight for this move.

Most of the house is dealing with the mega-twist, but Ed is dealing with a crushed Jaclyn. He has to explain over and over he didn't come to this house for a relationship, but he's cool with sleeping the same bed and fooling around without the label. Jaclyn is rightfully upset because she's not hooking up with Ed just for the fun of it.

Erica Rose gets wind that she's a possibility for elimination and Jaclyn tells her it was Chris' move. Michael Stag gets excited that Jaclyn did the dirty work instead of him. Erica confronts Chris, so he starts wondering where this is coming from. She warns him if she goes down she's taking him with her, but Chris insists he's done nothing. Michael Stagliano, full name at this time, you are one incredible gamer. This is Survivor level shit... if it works. Sara tries to talk some sense into an exploding Erica while Chris starts to come to the conclusion that it's Michael stirring the pot. To gain Erica's trust and prove he didn't vote for her, Chris brings Erica into the voting room with him to see him cast his vote against Lindzi. Rut-roh Michael...

Erica Rose is definitely nervous about the votes. It's possible Michael lied to her and she might be out and if she does, Erica definitely won't go quietly. The roses are predictably handed out to everyone except Lindzi and Erica Rose. Erica Rose has the most votes and now comes her reign of destruction. Being a liar herself, Erica gets that part of the game and decides her choice will be to take down an alliance. Erica chooses Michael Stag to leave!  Erica and Michael get into it a bit, with her calling him a manipulator, Holly made a great choice dumping him, and he's a liar.  A shocking blow to the world and even better with Erica going out so badass too. I must say if you're going to get eliminated, this was a hell of a way to go out. It might've been a failed plan but it was potentially a brilliant one. Oh well. We'll always have this sketch of Michael:


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