September 4, 2012

Bachelor Pad 3: A Few Snot Wipes Closer to $250k

9/04/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Bachelor Pad - Week 7

The final four couples rejoice in this privileged, wonderful status, though Rachel takes a moment to remind us she's been a miserable person since St. Michael has left.  In the latest game twist, the winner of the next competition won't receive an immunity rose as it usually happens.  It's an even bigger, better prize: you choose which team goes home.  So the couples head outside to see over the pool that typically hosts drunken orgies is a giant metal structure with trapezes.  It's a mix of brains and brawn where one partner answers trivia questions and, if wrong, a rope to the swing is cut (while holding a trapeze bar above).  At three wrong, the swing drops and instead they can only hang on.  Wow BP, you're really assembling a decent challenge crew here.  Most of the women choose to answer trivia except Nick/Rachel where Nick takes the brains angle surprising us all.  Mainly because we forget Nick is on this show.  Sarah's extreme fandom for all things of the Bachelor franchise win Chris and Sarah yet another competition.

Chris and Sarah holding the power has everyone shitting themselves, though it's mainly Blakeley and Tony since Chris has been ready to axe her for weeks.  They are making this decision almost instantly with some time to ponder.  A large part of the decision is who would take them to the end as well as who would beat them in the end.  The others get one last chance to desperately grovel for Chris and Sarah, probably in no way changing their minds.  When Tony pleads to stay because he's here for his son, Chris even looks choked up.  Could this a-hole have a heart?  Nope, nope.  Chris gives some long speech about all the teams and says he (Chris) deserves to be here and sends Tony and Blakeley home.  Uhhh, huh?  Worst. Reason. Ever. 

A limo brings the final three couples to the Hollywood Palladium where Chris Harrison greets them with their final challenge, which secures the victor a spot in the finale.  Inside the theatre, Night Ranger is giving a private performance of "Sister Christian" and it's Ed dream come true (I'm having Boogie Nights flashbacks).  The final amazingly awesome challenge is for each pair to sing Sister Christian together as a couple, with a band, in front of a live audience, with Night Ranger judging the performance.  LOL prepare to hate yourselves even more, Night Ranger.  Thankfully they have 24 hours to rehearse and a vocal coach to provide guidance to these tone deaf drunkards.  God I wish Kasey and his tattoo were here to nail this performance.  Everyone sucks so bad but they might as well work on a ridic performance to entertain.  Cue brilliant editing of all the animals in the area fleeing from the horrendous singing.

They might sing like Milli Vanilli but the fans still cheer and reach out for high fives to touch these nobodies.  There's some last minute backstage prep but it's mainly to put on as much mascara, eyeliner, and rocker clothes to distract from the deaf duck vocals the crowd will soon hear.  Chris Harrison basically gives the crowd a warning that the couples are not singers or performers which really means "WE'RE SORRY."  Rachel and Nick go first and she takes the slow part and sings like when Peter Brady hit puberty right when the Bradys got their record deal.  They're at least OK at the chorus and Nick has a sparkly black wig, but it was boring because they are both boring (though Nick did air guitar on the ground).  Ed and Jaclyn know they are shitty singers so go for an epic performance that includes Ed in a bleach blonde Jem-esque wig.  But Jaclyn misses her queue and asks to start again, which is so hilariously bad and awkward, but Ed jumps in to save her and they ad-lib their own lyrics requesting to start over.  It's the epitome of bad drunk karaoke, including sloppy kissing in a song about brother/sister advice.  Chris and Sarah close off the performances and I want Sarah's turquoise lamay pants.  Chris and Sarah are absolutely horrible singers, but they own it and attempt to sing, hop around, spinning, and stripping.  Sarah does some sweet David Lee Roth meets Steven Tyler shuffling, which is always amusing.  The judges give their critiques, which includes a wonderful ripping of Ed/Jaclyn for being terrible, and choose Rachel and Nick as the winner.

Nick and Rachel's winning roses secure their spot in the finals and also gives them the biggest decision of them all: which couples joins them.  Everyone mopes about losing and being terrible music performers, especially Jaclyn who really done fudged up.  Jaclyn's also fearful that her bestie Rachel won't pick her for the finale because Nick might not like it.  In seasons past the BP losers vote on the winner at the finale, so it's a big decision of who to bring to the finale.  There's universally loved Ed/Jaclyn and 100% hated Chris/Sarah.  Hmmmmm $250,000 strategy or friendship?  Nick and Rachel hash out the pros and cons for both couples, as well as the individual elements of each couple.  Nick really believes you can't bring Ed and Jaclyn to the finale because they will win as most popular in the house.  Chris and Sarah stirred up a lot of drama that people won't want to reward.  Nick explains that if Rachel is here for the money like he is, they have to put themselves in the best position to win.  Rachel cries and cries over the potential loss of a friendship for the almighty dollar. 

Nick and Rachel take their places on the watered down driveway to make the big decision.  Both couples think they deserve to be in the finale, which they do for being good social gameplayers.  But this is a game about winning money and Nick announces the couple joining them in the finals is Chris and Sarah.  Ed's surprised. Jaclyn's bawling. Rachel's sobbing.  It's a hot mess and Jaclyn ain't pleased, calling Rachel a piece of shit in the limo and thinks the friendship is over.  Rachel feels like a jerk and the idea of big money isn't helping her feel better about the choice.  Bachelo Pad's all about the Benjamins, ladies.