December 16, 2012

Reality Rundown: Quick, Eat This Cookie Off My Flipper

Finale! The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

Finale! The Amazing Race - Another dreadful season of this show is ending. A burden lifting from upon my shoulders. My brain tells me to quit this show, but I can't. I need help. Onto the dragged out two hour episode.

The Beekmans have a gut-kick moment on the train ride to France when they finally realize there is an alliance of three and they want the Beekmans gone. The teams arrive in France and product placement the crap out of some Ford trunk feature and everyone swoons over it. The next clue is at a gorgeous chateau and it's there that the teams discover the Beekmans secret weapon: they speak French. The clue is to find DaVinci's final resting place (another chateau) but the twinnies can't move on so fast. The Speed Bump is to tie up a lady's corset, rivaling eating ice cream as easiest task of all time.

The teams have a Detour option to make dog food for hunting hounds or plow a field using a horse and plow. The twinnies make up major ground and catch up to the teams at the Detour, doing the dog food task at the same time as the Beekmans. The twins continue to be dreadful, whining about the Beekmans being "backstabbers" and liars. What annoying twits. Once the Detour is complete, there's a Roadblack to find mushrooms in tunnels. You'd need to be tripping on 'shrooms to think this season was entertaining, so it's appropriate. Directions to the wrong castle fumble Trey/Lexi which allows my boys the Chippendales to check in first and win the Ford product placement cars. Battling for the third spot in the finale is the twinnies and the Beekmans and while I think the Beekmans have had pure luck getting through, I beg for them to eliminate the ultra annoying twins. The twins get super lost driving the wrong direction and "the gays" as the twins so nicely call them, beat them to the Pit Stop and send those bitches home.

And so the final leg begins and the final three cross the Atlantic to land in New York City. The postcard clue leads them to the Coney Island Boardwalk, which is depressing since this was filmed months ago and now that area is destroyed thanks to Hurricane Irene. The clue is ridiculously hidden in a Houdini poster, a fail on behalf of production again for making impossible to find clues. But it's also hard to notice when tourists are taking pictures in front of it. Eventually the teams figure it out and head the Roadblock, which escape Houdini-style up in the sky ending in a bungee freefall.

The teams then make their way to Lombardi's, the first pizza place in NYC, to memorize orders and deliver pizzas on foot as their next task. The Beekmans make a delivery blunder just as Chippendales starts their route, which means Beekmans have to re-do their botched delivery. Trey and Lexi finish this task first and receive a clue with the United Nations logo, the next clue location. Another Roadblock is at the UN headquarters where the other team member must identify the way the heard hello/goodbye in the nine UN countries they visited around the world. Hope everyone pays attention when they check in at the mat, I guess! It's a tough challenge for all three teams, even the brainy Beekmans, and Lexi starts crying. Day turns to night and the teams are still working. The Beekmans finish the task first and take off for the Pit Stop, but Chippendales aren't super far behind (or so editing makes it out that way). And then the team no one ever thought would win wins: the Beekman Boys Josh and Brent win The Amazing Race blowing the minds of all.

Survivor: Philippines - Abi is grateful to the tribe for keeping her around, too dense to understand she's around for being a loser. The best is she thinks that her fake hidden immunity idol is still duping everyone. The four know she's lying, especially since she was sure as shit thinking she was going home the night before yet didn't play it. Continuing her clawing to stay alive, Abi tries to make Lisa feel like the low one on the totem pole but Lisa isn't dumb (just annoying) and knows she has to keep Abi close to win the game (either against her in the finals or by placing her on the jury).

The Reward Challenge of the week is to climb 'n slide over a pyramid into the ocean to retrieve ring toss rings. The prize this week is a helicopter ride (HREAM!!!) to whale shark watch and have pizza and soda. Skupin wins the challenge and picks Malcolm and Lisa to join him. Chuckles abound at remembering Skupin's last helicopter ride when he fell into a fire and his skin was peeling off. HAHAHA good times! Skupin gets sugar high off cookies and soda, then the trio get to put on masks and see the whale sharks up close in the ocean. Proof that Skupin is a walking disaster: even a whale shark headbutts him. It's pretty amazing. Game talk eventually comes up, and that is Michael knowing that he can't beat Denise and he needs final three with Skupin and Lisa. A deal is made and what a surprise, Lisa internally is like mehhhh and might change her mind later.

After a day being tortured by Abi at camp, Denise wakes up in major pain. Her thought has shooting pains, she's achy, and something clearly bit her neck. Abi points out it could be poison and you know she's holding back joy. The tribe surrounds to pray the poison out because that works. And so Denise heads into the Immunity Challenge weaker than the bunch. The challenge is to use planks to cross a bridge, collect pieces to a maze, assemble the maze, and then navigate a ball through said maze. Oh goody, puzzles are back. I'm thinking that spider bite gave Denise spidey senses. But Malcolm, who fell off the bridge and had to restart the challenge, makes the ultimate comeback from way behind and wins immunity.

Post-immunity, a spark from the fire shoot at Skupin. The Smoke Monster has it out for that dude. The obvious elimination choice is Abi, but she's still trying to play. Abi believes Skupin and Lisa have a better chance of beating her, and it's very very true because Abi is the worst. Lisa loves this idea because they can beat Abi. At the same time, keeping Denise gives them a better shot of beating Malcolm in the final immunity challenge since Abi is the worst at challenges too. Denise asks Malcolm about that other immunity idol and Malcolm says if the situation called for it, he'd give up the idol. Truth is, Malcolm's confident that Skupin and Lisa are with him and has no plans on passing off the idol to Denise. Ohhhhh boyyyyy.

Tribal time! Talk for the millionth time turns to Abi being unlikable and easy to beat in the end. What I think is Abi has two former alliance members on the jury. She won't win, but she's taken two votes away which narrows the odds. Probst comes to Abi's defense that she has outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted 13 others. Abi also declares that Malcolm or Denise will definitely win the game and Lisa and Skupin will lose. Abi calls Skupin an idiot and moron. Probst wonders why if Abi can't win, then why care? She wants final three. Malcolm warns that if you keep Abi she's not going down without a fight and could win. The votes are cast, Penner gives Abi the bird from the sidelines, and no immunity idol is played. Finally, FINALLY, the stars align and Abi is eliminated from the game. Skupin literally dances out of Tribal Council in joy. All is right.

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