February 28, 2012

The Bachelor: Welcome to the Bone Zone: Switzerland Edition

2/28/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 9

Ben and his final three "amazing women" "incredible women" depart Los Angeles for fantastic Switzerland. I'd love to go there for the beautiful mountains, pale skinned people, and of course chocolate.

Nicki meets up with Ben on a grassy field which looks like a horrible date location but an excellent location to be picked up via helicopter!! H.R.E.A.M.!! Nicki says it's "majestic" and feels like they are the only two people in Switzerland. You know except for the cameraman with them and the person piloting the flying machine you're in. The helicopter lands on a mountaintop and they share a romantic picnic and recap that Nicki is in love with Blah. I mean Ben. She's like so giggly and happy and he's his usual lame self. They get dropped of on another mountaintop to hug and take a 360 degree camera-shot. Later, they have a private romantic dinner by a fire in a log cabin with Nicki swooning more about it being the best day ever. Ben says he has a better time with her each time they're with each other. The conversations flows nicely so Ben eventually busts out the fantasy suite card where Nicki pretends she doesn't know what it is. No shit she accepts it, they always do, and they head to another candlelit, fireplace room to pop champagne and makeout in a glowing bathtub. Nicki says she's not cocky but very confident she could make Ben happy.

Lindzi runs into Ben's arms for a monkey hug greeting before their extreme stunt date: rappelling 300ft down a cliff and by that I mean, professionals just lower them down. Then they cuddle and talk in a big barrel hot tub and share a bunch of closed mouth kisses. At night they dine in a private Victorian room that's very pretty but ruined by Ben's horrible ensemble. A bowtie? You are not Brad Goreski. Lindzi admits to putting up walls but is ready to be vulnerable to be her truth self. Lindzi tells Ben she is falling in love with him and would like to see this end in a proposal. Lindzi accepts the fantasy suite card after explaining she doesn't just spend the night with dudes all the time. Oh man, Ben might see her without all those cakey foundation layers on!! They makeout on the Ben and holy crap Lindzi I can almost see your vaj. BONE ZONE!

Ben and Courtney take a train to a little town called Wengen for a "very Swiss date." If this doesn't include Swiss Miss hot chocolate, I don't curr. They shop around town for picnic goodies (bread, fruit, swiss cheese) and see garden gnomes which makes me a little jel cause I love gnomes. Ben and Courtney have a picnic in a pasture and play "Hey cow!" where you yell at a cow to try to get its attention. Ben is a serious catch. They talk openly about Courtney being a bitch to the others, often intentionally. Ben thinks her behavior was messed up but decides to table the conversation to not ruin the date. Man wants to get laid afterall. Courtney is worried her nasty actions will loser Ben. They later have dinner in another cozy setting because that's what this show does. Courtney tries to smooth over her turd behavior and wants him to not think she's being fake. Blah, blah all is well, Ben's doubts are soothed. They head to their fantasy suite cabin to awkwardly kiss and get in another barrel hot tub, just teenier.

Ben ponders his existence on a sunset balcony and is happy he got answers, particularly about Courtney's bitchiness. Suddenly a pair of skinny jeans comes walking down the hallway and it's Kacie B, the young'n who got dumped last week. Ben greets her with a "Holy shit, hi" and a hug. The producers flew Kacie all the way to Switzerland to try to get answers of why she was dumped. Ben explains they were "worlds apart" with very different backgrounds. He didn't see his life going in a direction that goes with Kacie's; she didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't see her in the end. Since the answers aren't helpful, Kacie lets Ben know she doesn't want him to get heartbroken again and that Courtney is a bad choice. Kacie feels Courtney is there to win it not necessary fall in love with Ben specifically. It's really awkward as it is every year when they force an eliminated contestant to return for answers and stir up drama. They hug, Kacie leaves, Kacie lays on the dirty hotel hallway floor. As we all do.

Ben's not sure what to do. Kacie's words about Courtney hit him hard and now he wonders if he's been played. The most overpaid host ever shows up for a lame chat with Ben. Ben's feelings are real but he is really concerned with Courtney's motives. Ben is about to make the biggest decision ever, he doesn't want to screw it up. Ben gives his final two roses to Lindzi and Courtney. No surprise. Nicki hopes Ben doesn't get hurt but it devastated and humiliated to know she fell in love with a guy who didn't love her back.

There's a sneak peek mid-episode of the upcoming Bachelorette Emily who you may remember as the beautiful, dullard single mom who got picked by two-time-Bachelor Brad and it didn't work out. The shows it up for Emily to visit Ali and Ashley, former Bachelorettes to give her advice, like how to be a giant famewhore like Ali. It's stupid shit like shopping, make-up, how to pin roses onto the guys, and then an extremely obvious product placement for Titanic 3D. My favorite moment is Ashley explaining she hopes Emily finds a love like Rose and Jack. Well I hope it's a little better cause Emily already had a lover die on her. I DO hope she asks a suitor to "draw her like you draw those French girls." Good thing I am hilarious because Emily is going to need my magic to make her season interesting.


Next week: the women tell all. And by all I mean bitch about Courtney.

February 26, 2012

Reality Rundown: I Quit This Bitch: Biggest Loser Edition

New! The Amazing RaceI'M DONE The Biggest Loser
Survivor: One WorldTop Chef: Texas

New! The Amazing Race - The 20th season kicks off by including polarizing Big Brother couple Brendon and Rachel, married clowns, federal agents, twins, some gorilla juicehead guidos, and obviously more but I can't type them all. Phil leads all the teams of a bike ride before starting the race officially, and it's nice to see his personal biking passion incorporated into the show. The bikes miraculously disappear and wardrobes are changed and the teams are on a green, grassy hill ready to win the race. First clue on the race must be retrieved from a bunch of floating red and yellow balloons. The clue tells the teams to travel to LAX to try and get the best flights to Santa Barbara, Argentina. Too bad- was hoping for a psych-out where they just travel around the US via plane a lot. The first six teams that get on flight #1 have a major time advantage, putting the other 5 teams hours behind them.

In Argentina, the first task is a road block for one person to sky dive while the other person has to find them by driving around their car. Definitely an awesome first task for the person who gets to skydive. After the plunge, teams have make to empanadas to retrieve the clue to the Pit Stop. They have to make cheese and meat versions which require different folding. Let's see how many don't notice that tidbit. I must say, I can't think of a more exhilarating follow-up that falling from the sky than making empanadas.

Team #1 are married couple/military husband Rachel and Dave and they win the Express Pass, which will let them skip a task down the line. They are followed by Brendon and Rachel who are just minutes behind them.

The sisters, who pulled their car into sand, a kinda trapped. Thankfully a stranger pulls over to help them and not murder them, but maybe that's because there's a camera crew. Then they make a stupid mistake of leaving behind their bags at the empanada challenge. So they get their bags and are like 100ft away from Phil and the obvious camera crew but don't see him and turn around. This gives the Jersey boys a chance to sweep in and send the two sisters back home. Stupid sisters.

I'M DONE The Biggest Loser - The house gathers with a cake they can't eat for Mark's birthday so there's obviously more. Ali brings the losers to a temptation challenge of all their favorite foods like mozzarella sticks, Reese's, and venison steak. RIP deer. Whoever eats the most gets to switch around the teams as much as they want but the best part is that it's totally anonymous. Five people ate but Daphne pigs out because she's probably fucked by the others. She wins the temptation with 1800 calories, but the others don't know that but deep down they do know. There is only one change: siblings Jeremy and Conda are switched with Jeremy to red, Conda to black. Everyone thinks this is a dumb move. Four people admit to eating junk but Daphne keeps silent eventhough it's so obvious it was her. The losers are way overreacting though but that's because it's not Conda and Jeremy's way.

For the challenge, the teams need to work together to solve a puzzle. The puzzle pieces are 200lbs so I guess they topped Survivor on this one. Since the black team has an extra person they have to sit someone else. Instead of discussing, Daphne jumps in saying she's sitting out. Older lady Chris sits out too. The red team wins the challenge and gets two weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort.

Conda and Jeremy adapt to their new trainers and workout styles. Conda cries. Daphne tells Bob that she did it and it was personal. The house is still speculating/trying to get Daphne to admit she did the swap. Bob comes to Daphne another time to get her to admit she ate the food and did the swap. All the work from the previous week to redeem her will be gone because of this. Bob just wants her to own up to it even if she weakened the black team. This chat gets Daphne to tell the losers the truth and it's a no shit moment for them all. Bob tells his black team to put it all behind them and focus on their wellness. Their main focus is probably throwing the weigh-in because all Daphne sees is her teammates eating a lot of bread.

Weigh-in time. Jeremy's first time on the scale with a red shirt brings an 11lb loss, which is great for him. The red team comes together to loser 43lbs (3.39%). The black team has to lose more than 54lbs to be safe and c'mon, start laughing now cause you know they're going to throw the weigh-in and it'll blow up in their face. Megan's poor acting skills at her low 2lb loss would be the first tip-off. Then Chism only loses 5lbs, Cassandra 1lb... Hey morons, if you want to throw a weigh-in you need to make sure that your target doesn't win Biggest Loser of the Week or it's all for naught. Bob lets his team know he gets what's going on and Daphne claims she ate the 1800 calories to keep Bob as a trainer. He points out what we're all thinking: well what the hell did you learn by eating 1800 calories? Jeremy explains he wasn't mad that Daphne ate, because she definitely needed to, but that she chose personal reasons rather than game. Then Conda starts yelling and then Dolvett gets real angry. "This is childish!" Ain't that the truth Dolvett. So Emily gets on the scale for just 2lbs and then Conda gains 1lb and she basically says yeah but something needed to be done for the toxic team. Daphne gets on the scale and... gains 2lbs. OH SHIT FOR REAL. Looks like Daphne intentionally put on weight to get away from the house of assholes.

Bob requests his team be kind for eliminations but I don't think he's had enough time to get to know Conda to know that's a dumb request. Daphne obviously is eliminated. Daphne has no regrets about the swapping the teams and sees that she defended her brother and got revenge. Conda drops the low blow when she says she doesn't hold grudges because she's a good mother, setting Daphne off, then getting the others to jump in. Daphne gets up and leave and all I can think is Conda is such a shit-stirrer.

Time for a Biggest Loser note from me: I hate this season so much. I can't go on. I persist in watching and I say "because I recap it." Then I realized I make $0 for blogging and do this just because I enjoy writing so I can recap and drop it as I please. Peace out stupid show and if you're looking for recaps, check out @Jeffrey__Scott's recaps.

Survivor: One World - The ladies of Salani return to camp and the men are disappointed they didn't have to lose another person. Christina and Alicia make amends but it seems one-sided because Alicia is still down with her alliance of five and doesn't trust Christina. The next morning the women sit by the campfire to regroup and Sabrina is named their leader, who hopes her role can get people to listen and also assigns camp tasks so everyone has a responsibility. Older lady Nina can't deal with the young'ns.

A ginormous box is at tree mail but it has to be opened in the presence of both tribues. The boxes contain knotted ropes with a ring in the middle which they need to get to. The tribe that completes this first wins a tarp; everyone gets to keep their rope and box, so everyone's a winner! But one is going to be a soaking wet loser. I like this idea of sort of ad-hoc mini challenges at camp sans Probst. The men of Manono undo the knots first and win the tarp. The men start revamping their shelter and getting some food except Colton who instead chooses to help the women build the women's shelter and annoy them. The women are tired of being bugged by him and suddenly Sabrina realizes she gave an immunity idol to the wrong horribly annoying person on the island.

Late at night at the men's camp, after Tarzan does a tribal dance in his underwear, Colton decides to make some men alliances. He tells Troyzan (not Tarzan) that he has a hidden immunity idol and they need to use it to take out a big dude, like Matt or Michael. Colton gets Troyzan, Tarzan, Jonas and Leif in his non-alpha male alliance and I give Colton credit for flipping this game on his tribe. I thought initially Sabrina made an awful move giving Colton the idol since it would show her cards, but now it really worked to her advantage and Colton's.

The immunity challenge is for the tribes to line up and traverse a balance beam, crossing in front of their tribemates. Leif is the first to get across the platform and the men seem to get the idea. Kat is really slow for the women and makes a lot of blunders, and then the team starts making errors. The men are holding steady and the women keep plopping into the water and getting hand penalties and Kat keeps jumping into the water for no reason except that she's dumb. The men completely slaughter the women in the challenge.

Time for the women to tear each other apart again and it is likely down to dumb Kat and old lady Nina. Kat's got the safety net of being in that girl alliance of five. The team discusses their challenge performance and Sabrina, the leader, loves her spirit but explains she needs to tone down her rah rah energy to listen to strategy. Nina and Monica know they will be picked off along with Christina soon enough and pitching Kat's elimination to the five is nearly impossible. Nina keeps calling them the "witless" tribe. Chelsea hears Nina's argument and discusses the possibility of Kat being voted out tonight with Kim, eventhough this would diminish the five alliance.

Tribal time. Jeff compares the tribe to six year olds and then makes a lot of sexist, condescending remarks. Nina explains it's a tribe of five vs. three and gives her prior cop background up and calls out Kat's lack of life experience. Nina doesn't think Kat is even very athletic since she's not too clever and can't hold up to pressure. Some women admit that if they could go back they might make different alliances. Jeff gets all therapistsy with Kat who admits sure, maybe she should be voted out, then throws Christina under the bus about her not being there for the right reasons. The tribe has spoken and Nina's torch is snuffed. Eventhough I don't care for Kat, I didn't like abrasive Nina either. Bye.

Top Chef: Texas - The longest season ever continues and it's still not the finale despite a final three. The three meet Padma and Emeril in Chinatown for the Quickfire. Into the kitchen comes three Top Chef Masters of the Asian culinary world and through a knife draw are partnered up. It's to make an Asian inspired dish in sort of a tag-team swap off with no discussion, like that awesome Supermarket Sweep Round Robin game. Everyone assumes Paul will win since he's Asian, but he in facts does not. Sarah wins $20,000 with pan-seared code with coconut curry and a crab salad.

Elimination challenge: create one dish and one cocktail for a "Fire and Ice" themed cocktail party. The winner of this challenge doesn't just go to the finale: they get a trip to Costa Rica. Paul's dish is king crab with lobster broth and lemon snow. His cocktail is called the "Pan Am" which is rum, kaffir lime and Thai chilies. Sarah prepares five greens chilled pasta with garlic, chili and spiced sformato. To wash it down, gin, kumquats and mango which is called "Agrumi." Lindsey, hell bent on proving to the judges she can cook halibut, makes it for I believe a third time with fiery celery root salad. Her drank is right up my alley: vodka, tomato and horseradish which is dubbed "Encendido" but I swear it's a Bloody Mary. Whatevs.

Judges' table. The judges like Paul's concept for the dish, broth, but don't like the arugula being there since it was unnecessary. Sarah's pasta is very well made but the mousse was overly frozen. Emeril loved the cocktail and wanted a pitcher of it. Lindsey's cocktail was bland on its own especially when it separated. There were also some cooking issues with some fish hot, some cold. Sarah and Paul proceed to the finale and Lindsey packs her knives and goes.

February 22, 2012

The Bachelor: Hometown Zero

2/22/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
The Bachelor - Week 8

This week Ben will travel across America for hometown dates. This means no helicopters so ugh, boo.

Ben's first stop is Ocala, Florida and I wonder if it's anywhere near my new dream destination: Dinosaur World. Ocala is home to Lindzi and a bunch of horses and this is only the second guy to meet her parents and the last one was a dickhead. Lindzi teaches Ben to ride by putting him in some Amish buggy/chariot. Nice training wheels you child! Lindzi and Ben ride the buggy all the way to her parents' house and he is introduced as "my boyfriend." He's like everyone's boyfriend. We find out that Lindzi's parents got married at San Francisco's City Hall, where they had their first date on the show. Ben says "What are the odds?" and since we know how staged this show is, I'd say the odds are prett-ay, prett-ay, prett-ay good. What do you mean it's staged? Hey don't you remember Brittney got the date card originally and quit? There you go. There is also a spontaneous chariot race and it's a good thing this family just leaves yellow cones out for lanes all the time. I mean, what are the odds?? Lindzi's parents really like Ben and I also think her dad watches a lot of Bachelor since he knows a lot about Ben. Ben asks for permission to marry Lindzi should that come down the line and I think he gets the OK? This is just stupid because sorry, we know who he's picking and it's so obvious.

Kacie B is hometown #2 in Clarksville, Tennessee and she greets Ben at the football field named after her grandfather with a marching band so that she can twirl a baton. And I totes knew she'd greet him with a monkey jump hug- she is one of those girls. Kacie talks about her dead grandparents and that her parents don't drink. Good luck winning him over ya boozemaking wino. Ben meets Kacie's family and Kacie needs to chat with her sister for approval and to get everything off her chest, particularly that her parents are probably not loving this process. Kacie's dad does the inquisition with a weird judgy smirk, but I'd rock that same face talking to that mop-head. Papa Kacie is skeptical and he urges Ben not to rush into things, meaning don't marry his daughter in a hot minute. Even mom has concerns, like Kacie having to move to California when this is done and she is concerned by living together before marriage. Kacie tells her dad she's fallen in love with him and he poses the most obvious question ever that others don't consider: have the other three girls fallen in love with him too? Which is yes. You are all in fake love. Papa Kacie does not want to give Ben permission for a proposal if he asks. Ben doesn't ask.

From Tennessee Ben heads to Fort Worth, Texas to see divorcee Nicki. They meet in the historical stockade district to get Ben all gussied up like a cowboy. Ben looks like a dork and the locals catcall him. Fun fact: I have been to Fort Worth and we had dinner at the White Elephant where Nicki and Ben get their drank on. Nicki prepares Ben for her parents (also divorced) since they'll have a lot of questions since last time she loved a dude she married and divorced him. Her parents seem to like Ben and think she has a better glow than her previous man. Nicki's dad thinks he should ask more questions because he didn't ask a lot to the ex-husband. This seems odd to show on TV and have filmed. Dad gives his relationship blessing over dinner. After dinner, Nicki tells Ben she's in love with him and he's like ahhh and mmhmm.

And of course the hometown dates end with season villain Courtney in Scottsdale, Arizona. Courtney voiceovers that she realizes she was a shithead to the girls and it wasn't good and negatively impacts her relationship with Ben. Ben reminds us he's kinda over the moon for Courtney but can't be with a girl who rubs people the wrong way. Mom doesn't buy that Courtney is in love with Ben after Courtney saying she like/loves Ben. Courtney tells her sister about the skinny dipping, dad compares marriage to gambling, and mom makes an awkward face anytime Courtney says she's falling for Ben. After family lunch, Ben and Courtney eat a picnic (or maybe just drink one) and Courtney insists there is no hidden agenda. There is a fake-wedding set-up near their picnic area, which is a place Courtney has always dreamt of getting married. They sit in the seats and Courtney busts out notepads for vows and a boytie for their impromptu wedding. Let's add Courtney has a vow crib sheet while she writes again. A minister or something pops up and Ben writes sweet vows right away and Courtney reads her pre-written then re-written vows (which according to Twitter had lines ripped right out of Sex and the City). They exchange hillbilly twine rings and stuff- whatever, just get to the obvious ending.

Ben returns to Los Angeles to make Chris Harrison work for a paycheck to recap the hometown dates. I fast forward through this because Chris bugs the shit out of me and if his hands aren't moving in and out then he just does and up and down thing with one hand like cheering on a rap battle. But now it's time for Ben to look his final four in the eyes (and boobs) and send one woman back home to sob to the parents Ben just met. Ben gives roses to Courtney (no shit), Lindzi, aaaand Nicki. Not at all surprising considering how the family meetings went. I mean, he wouldn't be able to take Kacie to the bone zone in the fantasy suites. And then she sobs and half yells alone (with a camera crew) in the limo with a broken heart. "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??"

Next week: heading to the bone zone in Switzerland.

February 19, 2012

Reality Rundown: Ghostride the Copter

The Biggest LoserNew! Survivor: One WorldTop Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - The losers and trainers meet Alison in the backyard around the pool with two box of chocolates in hand. This week, Bob and Dolvett will pick one person to send home this week but that person's weight will count for the entire team, but their trainer will be with them. So now the joy of home brings pressure. Dolvett picks Conda because he hates himself I guess. Bob picks Daphne, Adrian's sister. What a coincidence that this showdown at the weigh-in will be the two women who began the episode fighting. A coincidence indeed...

Conda and Daphne go home and are greeted with smiles and hugs. Then we get some emotional shit, like maybe why Conda is such a bitch and that Daphne has a heart condition. Plenty of hard workouts are had, like Bob making Daphne do a skyscraper stairs. Dolvett even babysits which is a much more interesting than anything this season.

Back at the ranch, everyone is trying to make-do of a trainer-free week. Chris uses this time to bitch about Bob betraying her and she needed him. I love them bitching about no trainer because in three months when the show ends life has no trainer. Good luck schmucks. The black team exercises but at half-power level. Santa Roy on the red team is walking around campus because he can't keep up with young'ns. The trainers might be gone but that doesn't mean the product placement stops so the nutritionist visits. There is also a challenge to win letters from home and a 1lb advantage by dragging a dummy while digging under logs. The red team wins maybe because some Cassandra on the black team is stuck under a log.

Conda and Daphne return with the trainers in tow for the weigh-in. The red team already has a 1lb advantage for Conda. The teams will weigh-in before Conda and Daphne because the team that loses the most gets a 1lb advantage as well. The black team weighs in and their lackluster effort shows on the scale for many losers. The black team loses a total of 33lbs (2.23%). Roy, who worried about keeping up, drops 9lbs leaving mouths agape. Bitchy Kim drops 9lbs too and this wins Conda the 1lb advantage, meaning Conda has a 2lb advantage against Daphne. So now it's time for the weigh-ins that matter to happen. Daphne gets on the scale first and loses 12lbs (5.08%), getting her a nice applause and maybe a teeny bit of respect. Conda has a 2lb advantage but still looks nervous because she has to lose more than 10lbs. After the scale ticks for what feels like five minutes, Conda drops 10lbs exactly which isn't enough. So the red team has to eliminate someone and since Santa Roy is the only person that got airtime this week, he is eliminated.

New!Survivor: One World - OW-OOOOOO! Welcome to another season of Survivor and it's the most excited I've been in years. No returning players, no Hantzs, no Redemption Island... life is good. If I wasn't already swooning over the season, Jeff comes in via HELICOPTER. H.R.E.A.M. The group is split into two tribes: men vs. women. I officially want to see a battle between one guy named Tarzan and the other named Troyzan. Before they head to camp the survivors get sixty seconds to get as much supplies as possible off the truck. Michael steals a bunch of the women's stuff; they are not happy.

This season, both tribes will live on the same beach but they don't know that yet. I expect shadiness and it will be ah-mah-zing. Both tribes trek through the jungle and immediately a five-girl alliance is one: Kim, Kat, Alicia, Chelsea, and Sabrina. The women and men arrive at the beach and realize that they'll be living on the same beach. It is not smiles abound. They try to work as a big team to catch some chickens, but Chelsea refuses to share the two she caught. Bird-phobic me turns a blind eye.

Colton quickly bonds with the women since he’s the sassy gay guy which is great... except he's on the men's tribe. The young, fit douchebag guys align and build fire. Things get dicey when the women want to barter to get fire, offering a chicken (declined) and then trying to steal fire a few times. A deal is a finally made for fire by Christina; Alicia doesn’t like Christina’s attempts to be in with the men. Sabrina finds a hidden immunity idol in a giant open, obvious tree. HOWEVER, the immunity idol she pulls is for the men's tribe and she has to give this idol to someone on the other tribe before the next Tribal Council.

First immunity challenge time! It's an obstacle course with a net jump, balance beam, and rope ladder. Kourtney, who I have targeted as first out, lands on her wrist while jumping onto the net. Kourtney is all dizzy from her wrist so Jeff stops the challenge and brings in medical. Kourtney needs an X-ray before her fate in the game can be decided so the challenge ends and the men are declared the winners but Jeff gives them the option of continuing the challenge and winning the fair way. They take the easy win, which also gives them a reward of fire. The women are upset the men take the immunity and it's kind of like a duh moment. If the tables were turned, despite their insistence they wouldn't have, they women would've taken immunity right away too. But it does create ill-will that will haunt them, for sure.

Post-challenge, Matt is still a dick. Alicia would like to get rid of Christina if she has the chance. Sabrina gives outside Colton the immunity idol because he is the swing vote on his tribe and Sabrina wants Colton to use this idol to make a power play to take out a strong douche-male. The women then convene how to proceed with tonight's Tribal Council and Kourtney's status. The ideal scenario is that Kourtney doesn't come back and they don't have to vote.

Tribal Council! Before telling the team Kourtney is obviously out, Probst does his stir-the-pot questioning. This unearths that Alicia thought Christina's fire deal was shady. Cat fight! Christina thinks the real deal was done and they have a better firepit than they would have made themselves. Some women are tense, some have the giggles. But of course, the news is Kourtney broke her wrist and is out of the game. No one is getting voted off and they get to keep their fire.

Top Chef: Texas - The final four ditch the shoved-down-our-throats Texas for the far colder Vancouver which I like to call The Couvs. The cheftestants have had time at home to learn from their mistakes and grow. What Sarah and Lindsay haven't learned: how to tolerate Bev.

The final four meet Tom and Padma at the top of a windy, snowy Wisp mountain to kick off the Culinary Games. Get it, like Olympics. Nope, doesn't work. There are three events and a $10,000 prize for each event won and then moves into the final around. Event #1: prepare a meal on a gondola while making a mid-way stop to pick up another ingredient. Sure this is a fun challenge but not for the finals. Let them just cook good food without gimmicks. Lindsay's salmon and quinoa wins, even with a potential not-enough-salmon speedbump.

Bev, Paul and Sarah compete in event #2: chip away at blocks of ice to get ingredients to make a dish. That dish must be made outdoors on a mountain. Is this a fucking Amazing Race Road Block? Ugh, dumb. Again, just let them cook. Paul wins the second spot in the finals and money with his poached King Crab in brown butter with toasted almonds, mango chutney and orange marmalade. Paul's winning is the best because it means Sarah has to go head-to-head against mortal enemy Bev, the winner of Last Chance Kitchen head-to-head battles. Muhahaha.

The final event for Bev and Sarah is to make the best dish they've ever made with no nonsense. Just kidding, it's a culinary biathalon that makes them cross-country ski and shoot to shoot ingredients. There's only 10 shots to hit the targets. There are a lot of falls on the slopes but I'm putting my money on Bev for the athleticism compared to Sarah. Both women end up hitting four targets for their ingredients. Bev makes a slow roasted arctic char with an onion and beef compote. Sarah's dish is braised rabbit paired with sauerkraut puree (bleckh). Sarah's rabbit was a little tough but they love the sauerkraut and the cherries. Bev's dish is praised for being seafood with a lot of earthy flavors, though Tom thinks the char wasn't seasoned enough. Beverly is told to pack her knives and go and Sarah's in the finale. I guess I'm routing for Paul to win?

February 15, 2012

The Bachelor: Ben Doesn't Want to Belize Your Courtney Smack Talk

2/15/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 7

Ben and his six women are deported from Panama City to Belize. Next week is the big family visit so two chicks are getting dumped this week. The solo dates won't have roses but the group date does.

Date #1: Ben and Lindzi take a helicopter ride (!!!) over the amazing crystal blue ocean. The helicopter hovers over this big ass blue water hole where there's a coral reef. Oh how are they getting to the blue hole? By jumping out of the helicopter into the water. Extreme H.R.E.A.M.!! Then they make out of a boat with their red belly flop tummies. Miraculously night falls (must've been a dull day date) and it's time for dinner on a dock. Deep conversation is had with the question is Lindzi ready to bring Ben home to her family. Lindzi definitely wants to bring Ben home to meet her family. I can't focus because I want to just scour her face with makeup remover from the white eyeshadow and heavy black liquid liner. They break out one completely beat up piece of notebook paper and a Ghostwriter pen and write a fairy tale together and shove it in a bottle and set it off to sea. Some poor castaway is going to be so fucking bored by this story.

Emily gets the second one-on-one date, pissing off Courtney. Emily hopes on a private plane and is escorted to Caye Caulker to ride bikes around town. They drink from coconuts, play basketball with locals, shop, and sightsee. It's basically the most normal date one could have on this show... until they are taken out to go diving for their own lobster. Yeah, totally spontaneous and not set up at all. At night they go dancing at a club and enjoying their freshly caught, cooked by others lobster. They talk and kiss a bunch.

The last solo date is with Courtney who spent the entire day bitching, whining that the spark has fizzled, and claiming she would dump Ben and not bring him home if she didn't get a solo date. Courtney also gets a plane ride to meet Ben in the jungle to hopefully be devoured by an python. Actually the date is to visit a Mayan temple which is so astonishing. Courtney comes clean to Ben about disliking Emily and her plan to refuse a hometown date if she didn't get a one-on-one this week. Ben isn't happy to hear her doubts, particularly the declining spark, because he is falling for her. Ben reassures Courtney that he always notices her, even on group dates, and wants a woman with edge and weird. They finish the day by climbing up the template steps and making it a lame metaphor for steps forward in the relationship. They have their dinner date and Ben expresses his feelings, saying he sees a future with Courtney. Ben asks about Courtney's experience with the women and she said the women don't care to know her and she's tried sooo hard. Ha! Ben's concern is that she doesn't get along with the women and worries it will apply to real life.

Rachel, Nicki, and Kacie are the trio that have been given a group date which is the only date with a rose. Is it not already obvious Kacie will get the date rose? To start the day, Ben wakes the women up at 4am and says "We're going swimming!" You are eight years old. Ben then miraculously disappears and reappears on the beach to greet the girls. They hop onto a boat, drink some mimosas, and head off to go shark diving. Kacie and Nicki are so excited; Rachel not so much so Ben holds her hand while they swim. Let's add this isn't the shark diving in the cage but rather swimming over the wimpy sharks that don't kill people. The stingrays are probably more dangerous (RIP Steve Irwin). Post-ocean, they chill at the resort pool (so that Courtney can angrily overlook) and have their respective alone time with Ben. Kacie B drops the "beginning to fall in love" bomb; she gets the group date rose. Usually this is where I stop, except the three girls feel that they need Ben to know about Courtney, her two-faced nature, and maybe she's not there for the right reasons.

At Tribal Council, I mean the rose ceremony, the mood is somber but Courtney tries to lighten the mood with her pina colada and Old School quotes. Ben's mind is made up so no lame cocktail party. Before Ben can hand out roses to his obvious picks, he pulls Courtney aside to have a word. Ben wants to know from Courtney she's there for the right reasons and what idiot is going to say anything but yes? Courtney insists she's there for him and didn't come for the girls/to make friends. Like Ben really gives a shit what these other girls say: he wants to go to the bone zone with Courtney. The roseless ladies are Rachel and Emily (knew it), so Ben will be meeting the parents of Kacie, Courtney, Nicki, and Lindzi.

Next week: awkward parent interrogations with zero helicopters.

February 12, 2012

Reality Rundown: Stop Using Canned Ingredients, K Guys?

2/12/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 2 comments
The Biggest LoserTop Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - Adrian puts his foot in his mouth again by telling the black team that he didn't vote for Nancy. Bickering ensues again and Cassandra has no time to cry about her grandmother. Mark feels Adrian possibly threw the weigh-in to have bigger numbers this week when he isn't immune again. This show was once about changing lives. No it's about a house of assholes. It's like an MTV Challenge but fatter.

Speaking of challenges, this week's is to hold onto a rope to keep their trainer out of the water. The team that loses the challenge won't have their trainer for the whole week. Neither trainer is happy to be in the dunk position, especially Bob the height-phobe. Despite the red team being packed with men, Bob's black team wins the challenge. Dolvett sorta gets the week off; he's not in the gym but instead gets to watch them on hidden cameras all week. Well I guess it's not hidden when you're on a reality show. And then black team works out a lot, sympathizes with the newbie, and then gets some restaurant menu tips. The only good part of this episode is when Dolvett whips out a piece of paper called "The Conda List" which describes all her complaints about Adrian and everything in general. She is horrible.

At the weigh-in, the Red team loses 2.73%. These are good numbers and moreso impressive when you remember they did this work on their own this week with merely a last chance workout with Dolvett. It looks like the black team is going to lose but nope, they don't (3.16%). It would seem like Adrian is the easy target. The votes are split between Adrian and Mark (who some say could complete the journey at home). After too many excuses, Adrian is eliminated, pissed, and asks everyone not to hug his sister. Ok, bye.

Top Chef: Texas - The cheftestants enter the kitchen to find five dome covers and since there's four chefs, that means the winner of Last Chance Kitchen is joining the gang. That winning chef is... Bev. Cue the fucks and bitterness. Onto the domes, the Quickfire is to raid the pantry while wearing a blindfold and then use all those items to make a dish (don't worry, they don't have to cook blindfolded). The winner of the Quickfire has a choice of prizes: a new car or an automatic spot into the final round. Sarah wins the Quickfire with a corn soup; Sarah chooses the automatic spot in the finals, the biggest duh prize ever.

Padma and Tom brings the final five's mentors into the kitchen, leading to everyone sobbing about how inspirational their mentors are. They are of course here for the Elimination Challenge which is a dish to impress their mentors. The winner gets that leftover Prius and Sarah, now automatically in the finals, doesn't have to compete and can instead chill with her mentor.

Beverly's dish is gulf shrimp and BBQ pork singapore noodles. She is praised for cooking with her heart and using a wok to cook for so many people. Lindsay makes a seafood stew over toasted couscous and a broth with emulsified cream (Lindsay regrets the cream). The judges don't get the cream either but the seafood is cooked perfectly. Paul serves a chilled sunchoke and dashi soup with summer vegetables. I'm wondering WTF sunchoke is, but that's a Googling for another time. He's commended for his balance of flavor since initially there was hesitation it might be too salty. Ed finishes off the meals with braised pork belly and smoked oyster crema with pickled vegetables. Tom notes he didn't care for this kind of oyster and we the viewers know Ed has to settle for a pre-packaged smoked oyster and not fresh so we all know how using pre-cooked/packaged items usually means.

At Judging Panel, Beverly and Paul are the favorite dishes of the week; they are both in the finals. Paul is chosen as overall winner so he gets Prius. The judges really enjoyed Lindsay's dish but didn't care for the cream or the dried herbs. Ed's oyster sauce is what killed the dish and the lack of fresh oysters is, of course, frowned upon. In sad news, one of the only chefs I liked on this horrible season is sent packing: Ed. Booo.

February 7, 2012

The Bachelor: Ben Hates Scrapbooking

2/07/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 6

Panama! Pa-na-ma-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Oh, excuse the Van Halen but me blog singing is probably a zillion times more interesting than Ben. The girls are excited because everyone gets dates this week except, ut oh, the dreaded 2-on-1 Thunderdome date is this week. Yesssss!

The first date of the evening is Ben's second one-on-one date with Kacie B and they travel via HELICOPTER! Be still my heart. It's like they are trying to woo me to audition for this show with champagne wishes and helicopter dreams. The helicopter drops them off on a deserted island where Kacie reveals the three items she brought along: a monkey (toy, not real), pocket knife, and a bag of candy. I like Kacie B already. This is hardly a date and more like a moron's version of Survivor. The survivin' is just daytime hinjinx and head off for a romantic dinner together. Talk gets serious when Kacie admits she used to have an eating disorder. Ben gives Kacie the rose and then they kiss in the middle of the street. Have you idiots never seen Final Destination?

Ben picks the ladies up in some long-ass boat and pretends to be the worst tour guide ever. Wait sorry, he is not acting. He's just that bad. They dock the boat on the river by a bunch of little kids playing soccer in loin clothes and I am pretty sure a different Chris is going to greet them here. The local women bring the girls into huts to put them into some traditional tribal garb which are some sort of bra tops over their bikinis. Courtney decides to be "one with nature" and lost the bikini under hers to show some nip action. The kids are lovin' this exotic nippled American skank. Ben shows up in a royal blue loin cloth and I'm not kidding, at first I thought the short stout Panamanian man with him was Ben. You can see my thoughts on Ben at this point. Then they paint temporary tattoos on themselves and I hope someone either uses hobo code or puts something hateful on Courtney. Courtney is a Ben-hog (it's like an Annhog but worst) and no other girls seem to make a real effort to get some tribal time.

After the rainy day in the wild, Ben and the ladies clean up for a hotel poolside cocktail party (I don't think they are on a roof sadly). It's all a fucking waste because Ben might claim he cares about the other women but he just wants to shtup Courtney. Some chick Jamie who I honestly did not know was on this show until last week decides to get ballsy and wants to just plant a kiss on Ben. Ben kinda doesn't care because he's distracted by Courtney swimming alone in the pool by them. In fact it's fun to watch him painfully try to not check out Courtney in the pool; like his brain hurts from telling himself, pretend Jamie is interesting and don't check out Courtney's bikini. Jamie doesn't get a kiss. Emily and Ben have a nice chat and a kiss since she doesn't talk shit on Courtney the whole time. Emily apologizes for her "rash judgement." Courtney doesn't respect her and gets all pissy again. Lather, rinse, repeat, STFU. Lindzi the horse girl gets the group date rose to reaffirm the feelings Ben is having for her. Courtney is upset she didn't get the rose so she extends Ben an invite to her room. We get some sob story about guys liking her a first then losing interest like we're supposed to like her. Guess what? Ben doesn't show and no one in America feels a bit of sympathy.

Blakeley is ecstatic she'll get the 2-on-1 date because it means only competing with one other person, clearly not understanding that she is the obvious dumpee. Rachel, who you may recall from the dullest date this season but got a rose for being hot, is not as confident. Ben takes the two women Latin dancing to find some chemistry which I think means dancing boner. I think the dance instructor is more likely to get a rose than these two bums. Blakeley won't give up her time and uses her sexuality to seduce the prince of the Bachelor duds (the king is either Jake or Brad- I haven't officially named a full royal court). Horrible dancing gives the trio an appetite so they head off to an awkward dinner threesome. Each girl gets alone time with Ben and Rachel lays it on the line and gets some kissin', a good sign. Blakeley said she "feels it" and thinks a one-on-one would've validated Ben's feelings for her. To show how much she cares, Blakeley breaks out her opposite-of-burn-book where she wrote (actually, cut out words from magazines) all her feelings about Ben. Ben hates scrapbooking and dumps Blakeley, giving Rachel the rose.

Time for the scandal of the season featuring some girl with about 10 total minutes of screentime the entire season. Chris Harrison and his accordion hand gestures asks to speak to Casey S in private. Ew she walks around the hotel hallways barefoot? C'mon, gross. Chris lets Casey know that it was brought to his attention (which means the producers have known since the beginning but kept it as an ace in the pocket) that she is in love with someone else: her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend at home. Michael, the boyfriend, told the show they aren't broken up and are still in a relationship. Casey denies it and explains like he didn't want to marry her and she wants a guy who will treat her better and marry her (sorry hun, Ben ain't marrying anyone here). Chris brings Casey to Ben and he's surprised to see her (good thing there was a camera crew in the room with him to catch this surprised reaction!). Casey tells Ben she wanted to get over her ex, hasn't, Ben thinks other girls who did like him got the shaft in her favor, and Ben asks Casey to go home. In a minivan after a long ugly cry. Ben pulls a half-Mesnick (leaning over a railing thinking hard but without the sobbing) pondering existence or what size Courtney's boobs are.

Everyone uses the cocktail party to make sure Ben knows they aren't rebounding from marriage-phobes back home. "I'm honest!" says everyone. Jamie wants to be noticed by Ben and show him she can please him too. How does she do this? Straddle Ben and kiss him. This is... awkward. After 10 minutes of Ben getting a boner from Jamie, the show mercifully gives us a commercial break and then the rose ceremony. Jamie looks like an even bigger fool when she doesn't get the rose. Humiliating indeed.

February 6, 2012

The Amazing Race 20 Pre-Show Winner Prediction

2/06/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Whoa- it's the 20th season of The Amazing Race? That's pretty amazing. I commend the show for lasting this long but truth be told, I'm not totally excited (starts Sunday, February 12th at 8pm EST). While I think the cast isn't terrible, none seem like incredible racers. The show itself is static and stale and I want to be optimistic and excited for the new season but I just know the race will be the same shizz as usual. But I'll at least try to invest myself by making my usual pre-show winner prediction.


MELISSA PREDICTS....


Nary and Jamie will win The Amazing Race 20

I was seriously close to picking sisters Misa and Maiya only because I loved their different take on the generic team photo. I actually think they could do well too but I felt their ages may be an eventual hindrance (do the young'ns ever win?) I know Brendon and Rachel of Big Brother will be tough competition and I expect a lot of people to predict their victory, but I think butting heads might be their downfall. While they were never even a consideration for me, I give a shout-out to Joey and Danny for best how they met backstory: in a Jersey Shore club dance battle. But in the end, I decided to pick Nary and Jamie, the federal agents, as my predicted winners. I think based on their occupation they should be physically tough and smart. They seem level headed and not like Bickersons and they aren't too old or too young. I also feel like a woman team has a high possibly of winning this season.

Who do you think will win The Amazing Race? Leave your prediction in the comments. Get it right and you'll get a shout-out at the end of the season.


Photo Credit: CBS

Reality Rundown: Pancakes for Peewee

2/06/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Biggest LoserTop Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - After voting out that rando lady last week, the night continues with the two teams meeting Alison in the gym. Alison brings in the brother/sister aqua team, Adrian and Daphne, that didn't make it on campus but worked out at home for a chance to return a month later. Together, the aqua team needs to lose 50lbs to re-enter the game. Daphne gets on the scale and loses 26lbs; her brother Adrian loses 34lbs. Both siblings want to train with Bob and rock-paper-scissors to choose the trainer because they didn't want to debate. Daphne ends up on Bob's black team, Adrian to red, and both of them have immunity this week. Welcome to the ranch. Prepare for the wrath of this group of a-holes and by that I mean Dolvett's team of miserable shitheads.

I wish the red team weren't such turds because Adrian's backstory (his child was born pre-mature and died, which led to him gaining weight) in heartbreaking and he needs this experience. Adrian and Daphne are thrust into the true Biggest Loser workouts and as painful they may be, they are happy to be on the ranch but worry about their outsider position. Cue the red team talking shit about Adrian in the kitchen, saying Adrian has said things that tick them off. My guess is that it's because Conda and Kim are nasty bitches.

The teams are escorted in vans to the beach for a challenge. The challenge is to bounce medicine balls off a trampoline to the other side of a wall which then goes into a team bin; the balls and different points and the team that makes 100pts first wins. The winning team gets to pick one player from each team whose weight will not count at the weigh-in. Not only are medicine balls hard to bounce, but running back and forth in the sand is exhausting. The red team wins the challenge but not all is well. Back at the ranch, there's a team meeting about certain people being assholes. It's so dramatic that Dolvett gets involved.

At the weigh-in, the red team decides Megan from the black team and Nancy of the red team will sit out of the weigh-in. Megan has a big week (9lbs) so the red team chose wisely; red's Nancy doesn't drop big numbers but gets below the 200lb mark. New-to-campus Daphne is a huge disappointment with only 1lb lost; the black team is not pleased. It's a mediocre night for the black team with team loss of 1.72%. Adrian's first impression on campus is only a 2lb loss, which is bad since he's a big dude too. Adrian and his sister insist that the change in diet affected their weight loss. The red team must lose 32lbs to defeat the black team and it comes down to big mouth Conda; her 2lbs fails the team.

Adrian is immune, much to some of his team's chagrin, and Kim has the highest weight loss so she's safe too. In the team talk, Adrian tries to apologize but he's accused of playing the game (throwing the weigh-in). I guess in case they want to torture Adrian (AND ME) they keep Conda around and vote out Nancy. Adrian wins himself no fans when he claims voting Nancy out is "playing the game" (no, that's what your Mark vote is) and the team is offended because they've bonded with Nancy and are sad to vote her out. Nancy interjects and tells him he's ruining the moment.

Top Chef: Texas - In the kitchen are tons of stacks of pancakes- it's like Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. Into the kitchen rides Pee Wee Herman on a bicycle, tooting the horn; he is the judge. The cheftestants have twenty minutes to make an inventive pancake. Sarah immediately wins me over when she makes funfetti pancakes because that's what I shouted when Padma told them to get creative. The winner of the Quickfire (and $5k) is Ed for making the best pancake Peewee's ever had which is pancake bits with fruit and bruleed marshmallows. I want to eat it.

The Elimination Challenge is to make a family style lunch for Peewee and the judges. Easy right? No twist galore: they'll be give a bike, a map to the Alamo and money and they need to buy food and find a kitchen to cook in on their own. So you can't just have them chill in a normal kitchen and make some sort of childish, delightful food? No, ok, let's let this dumb bike thing happen. It's pretty awkward seeing them begging random restaurant owners to use their kitchens. Conflict arises when Lindsay finds a kitchen, leaves to get more food, and comes back to see that Sarah has claimed that kitchen.

Sarah makes a summer vegetable egg salad and the judges think the eggs were perfectly cooked, though a little under-seasoned. Lindsay makes a stuffed zuccini and there may be too much goat cheese. Ed make grits and gravy but the chicken has a weird, almost undercooked texture. Grayson makes chicken stuffed with spinach and egg yolk but the fresh salad stuff doesn't work. Paul's red curry gastrique is good with a combination of heat and sweet on the roasted chicken. Lindsay wins the challenge, with Paul close behind her. Packing up the knives this week is Grayson because her portion was gigantic and her butternut squash and tomato combo doesn't go. The final four cheers but Padma calls them back to the judge's table to announce that someone is returning by being the victor of Last Chance Kitchen aka Redemption Island. So who is back next week: Beverly or Grayson? Don't know, don't care!

February 2, 2012

Survivor: One World Pre-Show Winner Prediction

2/02/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
Survivor: One World is starting in two weeks (February 15, 8pm EST on CBS) and I cannot wait. I think the twist of both tribes living on the same beach is the perfect twist and change on the game (far supreme to the awful Redemption Island). Dynamics are going to be interesting and everyone will be looking over their should. The teams are split into men vs. women to start with but being on one beach, I expect a lot of cross-tribe alliance right away. That being said, the cast this year was hard to read in videos. I spend a lot of time over-analyzing the CBS.com videos and bios and watched the TV Guide preview special. I narrowed it down to two candidates and decided much like last season's pre-show winner prediction victor Phil, I'm going for a ballsy pic.

MELISSA PREDICTS....


SABRINA will win Survivor: One World

I spend a redonk amount of time overthinking this year. I realized my initial gut idea, Matt, was the same player I always pick: a strong, good looking, charismatic male. The problem is, we're not in the age of Colby anymore and the alpha males don't win. So I decided to think outside the box and go with someone I felt was strong, could make good personal connections, and still play the game. I was torn a little between Sabrina and Kim. Kim I thought might work because she's outdoorsy and could socialize, then I realized she seemed to have no planned strategy going into the game. Obviously strategies change but to not have a game plan seemed stupid. Sabrina's video caught me right away. I see her as a person I'd want to hang out with on the beach and others would too. She looks like she'll be strong in challenges and I'm thinking will be smart enough to form alliances with the opposite tribe to protect her down the line. Now let's just hope Sabrina wins, or at least lasts a long time. But if you're going early Sabrina, at least get out week 3. Week 3, bitches!

Who do you think will win Survivor: One World? Leave your prediction in the comments or tweet me @melgotserved. Get it right and you'll get a shout-out at the end of the season.


Photo Credit: CBS