March 25, 2012

Reality Rundown: Ice Cream Sundaes for Anyone Without a Cursed Appendix!!

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: One World

The Amazing Race - Teams hop aboard a train to head to Bavaria to retrieve their next clue... a Travelocity Roaming Gnome! I hate product placement but GD I love the yearly gnome task. Art & JJ get a decent lead since they were three hours ahead departing, but Bopper and Mark leave close to 9 hours later and are definitely the last train to Bavaria. But there's a bit of an equalizer (Art/JJ, Dave/Rachel, Jersey guys) since the site for the clue doesn't open until 8:30 AM. Bopper/Mark's way-back-status changes when they catch up to all the middle teams waiting for the connecting train.

The gnome offers up a Detour of either following and picking up a gingerbread trail and decorate a gingerbread house or style a champion beard enthusiast's beard. It appears caressing and finessing a stranger's beard is appealing to most teams. The Jersey guys get one of the harder beards but remember they are a master of hair gel because they are Jersey guidos but it takes them long enough for some teams to catch up. Before their Detour, Bopper and Mark must complete a Speedbump for their non-elimination by yodeling. Oh dear god, it's fantastic to hear southern yokel guys yodel. Some teams do opt for the gingerbread house, a snowy trek picking up baggies of gingerbread. Let's hope they don't accidentally grab a doggie poo bag. Or I hope Brendon and Rachel do because they suck. The joy of Bopper and Mark decorating a gingerbread house and cackling with the evil witch brings a smile to my face. The evil witch is less of a hag than Rachel, that's for sure.

After covering a man's beard in hairspray, teams make their way to Neuschwanstein Castle, which is the inspiration for Sleeping Beauty's Castle, to get their clue out of a former king's bedroom, but I'd rather call it a boudoir. Art and JJ wisely take a horse drawn carriage up the big-ass hill and find the clue first. It's a quick stop because then they have to drive to an ice hockey rink for the Roadblock. The jog up the hill brings brings the anger out of Vanessa, tired of Ralph being kind of a dick. Dave/Rachel and Nary/Jamie go to the wrong castle and wait around for a tour, not realizing it's the other nearby castle, and waste a huge amount of time on the tour.

The Roadblock is to use their Travelocity Roaming Gnome in an old German sport called Eisstock-Schiessen. It's just like curling without the brooms, so I guess I should say shuffleboard on ice. After sliding their gnome into the bullseye, Art and JJ check into the Pit Stop in a cown barn first again. Man, they are on fire. They win a trip to Thailand. In you-deserve-to-smell-like-cowshit karma, Brendon slides and falls onto his ass on the mat- HA! Mark and Bopper, who went to the wrong castle first, are sure they are last and out of the race. However they catch up to the cousins (Kerri/Stacy) and Nary/Jamie and quickly pass them. It's a battle of the ladies who stays in the race and Kerri and Stacy are eliminated from the race. I honestly didn't even remember them on this show.

Survivor: One World - Manono returns to camp and Colton shits all over Christina to her face. Her calls her a human cockroach, she'll have no alliance, if she made the merge she'd be first out. When it comes time to sleep, Alicia refuses to make space for Christina, saying she'll be gone next. Colton and Alicia are this season's scum.

The teams head into the jungle for the reward challenge which is bounce coconuts off a trampoline to hit a target. The clue had said this was a game you'd be playing in your own backyard. Yes, I remember the ol' pasttime of throwing coconuts in my backyard at a trampoline. They know us so well. The winning tribe will be escorted away for an ice cream sundae party. Best. Reward. Ever. I would kneecap someone to win this one. The loser tribe of Manono takes an early lead but struggles, allowing Salani to catch up and make it a tie game. Jeff uses the entire challenge to berate Alicia for being terrible at bouncing coconuts. I can't stand her either but jesus Probst, simmadownnow. Troy(zan) is able to make the victory slam for Salani to get the ice cream reward at a Survivor-style ice cream parlor. Lots of ice cream flavors, toppings, and the fixins for root beer floats. I'm dying here!

Manono camp continues to be plagued by Colton's miserable existence. He wants to mock Christina for her poor challenge performance yet last time I checked, Colton and Alicia were horrible as well. They are bullies, plain and simple. Christina has no plans to quit. The others see Colton/Alicia's nasty behavior, so Christina tries swaying Jonas and Leif to get rid of Alicia because she has a girls tribe alliance. Of course Christina's timing sucks because as she says it's her or Alicia, Alicia is behind her listening to the whole thing. Alicia goes on an annoying tirade, moreso pissed at Christina outing Alicia's girl's alliance.

Now, perhaps karma is coming around. Christina massages Colton's head at night because his head is killing him. Colton of course cannot accept Christina's helpfulness as something kind, instead thinking it's a ploy to save herself. Tarzan suggests Colton is dehydrated and maybe even appendicitis. Colton ends up in the fetal position in the middle of the jungle. Christina walks Colton back to the beach and gets the medical team and Probst involved. The medics check his blood pressure and the abdominal pain he's having. It appears Tarzan's diagnosis is correct and appendicitis it likely is. Colton cries since he's out and Probst brings up the hidden immunity idol he has and I guess Colton is allowed to give it away. Jonas even gets weepy that such a superfan has to give up on his dream for his dumb appendix. Colton keeps the idol and says "thanks for the souvenir." Alicia gets pissed that he'd be spoiled enough to keep it. Double karma!

Treemail comes and informs the tribes that both tribes are going to Tribal Council tonight. I originally thought they were going to make Salani eliminate someone to even it out, but both tribes eliminating is fair. Tarzan would still like Christina to go, but now that the bullies are down, Christina, Leif, and Jonas plan to dump the last bully once and for all (bye Alicia). Leif gets begged by Tarzan to vote off Christina, so he's now torn.

Tribal council time and Salani is both excited and confused that Colton is not there. That's when it's announced Colton was medically evacuated due to acute appendictis. Kat doesn't know what it is. While everyone feels bad that a superfan is out, everyone is selfishly happy that another person is out. Alicia lets everyone know Colton's parting words and that the idol is in his hands. Salani doesn't necessarily buy it, so Jonas plays along with it. Now the big twist, and I have to give a slow clap to @lex_ariff... IT'S A MERGE. Buffs dropped and now it's 6-6 and an individual game. Didn't see this coming and I must say: awesome! The teams will return to One World beach and the game goes on. Let the scrambling begin!

March 19, 2012

Reality Rundown: So Much for the One World Thing, Huh?

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: One World

The Amazing Race - The teams head to Turin, Italy so shove some Ford car product placement down our throats. Bopper and Mark directly to the airport instead of the travel agency first, which is what was supposed to happen. It isn't until booking tickets and then waiting at the airport that Bopper and Mark find out they are on a different later flight and have a failed attempt at getting on the early flight via standby. Not the only team I like!

In Turin, the teams drive their product placements to their first clue: a Fast Forward! The first team to complete the Fast Forward, piloting a remote control helicopter to land on a pad, will get to skip all tasks and go right to the Pit Stop. Art & JJ, the Border Patrol guys, are disappointed it's a remote control toy but still take the chance. And do it really slowly and poorly but eventually get it done. The other clue is a Road Block to rappel in a building within 2 minutes to get the clue. Brendon and Rachel catch an early lead because Art and JJ take a long time. Dave and Rachel, the married couple, get into a tiff because Dave is a helicopter pilot and thinks he would be awesome.

After finishing the Road Block, teams need to product placement park their car at a national automobile museum. Brenchel get it some dumb fucking fight when they get stressed and I block them out and text a friend about The Hunger Games instead. Inside the museum, the teams have to search for a Ford Model T, retrieve a penny in a clue box, and identify the building on the penny. That's where the next clue is but teams have to figure that out, and luckily there is a Santa bar crawl outside that helps teams identify the name of the building. Except Brenchel, they think the coin goes into a slot or something and get into another pissing match. STFU you two idiots.

The team arrive at the mystery building and take the elevator to the top which is awesome. It's not in an elevator shaft and just right up the middle. So cool. Anyways, there's a Detour to clean a statue or "name that salami." I think that says it all but there is no way any team is going to try to taste and name 14 different salamis. Then I get proven wrong: Brenchel choose the phallic sounding task (and later the lady BFFs). The most enjoyable part of statue cleaning is teams accidentally beheading their statues with water pressure.

Art and JJ check into the Pit Stop in first place again, as the other teams continue racing. They receive $5,000 each as a prize for their leg victory. Married Dave and Rachel, who had a tumultuous leg like the other team whose name I shall not speak, check in second. Joey "Fitness" and Danny are team #3 and it's now dark out. My dear Bopper and Mark, who are having a blast and a laugh despite how far behind they are, are the final team to check-in to the Pit Stop. Art and JJ came out onto the map and split their prize money with Bopper and Mark since Bopper's daughter has medical problems. HOWEVER, it's a non-elimination team and my favorite team remains!

Survivor: One World - The women tribe vow to stick together as the seven since the men are out of their GD minds. This is what we call "foreshadowing."

Jeff calls in the teams for a reward challenge except there's a twist: drop your buffs, tribes are shufflin'. So much for seven strong, eh ladies? The switch is a random egg grab and the paint smashed out of the egg into your body determines tribes. The new Salani is so much better than new Manano and that's mainly because Manano has Tarzan and Colton. The challenge itself is to transport water to raise a lift and the reward is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and gets to remain at One World; loser goes to a new beach. Sooo... One World lasted three weeks? Huge mistake, in my opinion. The whole point was to have males and females separate on the same beach, mix them up, and make them stay on the beach and try to make a shitload of alliances. Now it's regular Survivor. And this epic twist lasts FIVE WEEKS. FIVE FUCKING WEEKS. Fail Survivor fail. Well Salani wins the PB&Js and keeps the One World beach.

Salani is a tribe of awesome including Sabrina, Chelsea, Kim, Kat, Mike, Jay and Troy(zan). Salani quickly comes together as a tribe and hunts chickens and a rooster. But of course there's a game going on, so Jay tries to get some intel from Kim to try to make a solid four or so to make it to the merge. Kim is looking to make some leads so she has prospects down the line and she's ability to find the hidden immunity idol, definitely helping her prospects now. Kim can't keep her mouth shut and tells Chelsea, her #1 confidant, right away but explains they cannot be viewed as a pair whatsoever. Finally a gameplayer!

New Manono is the tribe of duds: Colton, Leif, Jonas, Tarzan, Christina, Alicia and Monica. Colton tells the girls he's with them, but really he's playing everyone to get ahead. Colton doesn't like Christina and thinks she needs to go first and even Alicia, who hates her, doesn't agree with reducing the girl numbers yet. Jonas is worried that Colton is flipping though Colton insists he's still with the guys. Yup, Colton is still running the game. Oy vey. The girls also catch and then immediately lose a chicken, prompting Colton to talk about how shitty his tribe is. But Colton then changes his mind and realizes Monica is more liked by the women so he needs to get her out pre-merge; he tries to sway a reluctant Alicia.

The newly formed tribes arrive at the beach for the immunity challenge, to retrieve a ball in the water and attempt to make a basket. Expect a lot of in-water violence, shoving, toss, salt water in the eyes... and shoving little person Leif a few feet across the water. It's all pretty easy unless battle #4 which is all men shoving the shit out of each other and holding each other under water. But Michael scores the winning basket for a Salani win again.

The plan around the beach is to eliminate Monica, which Alicia tagging along with Colton because she trusts him. Christina would like to vote off Tarzan and Colton claims that's "literally" what he just said. Monica and Christina are just too dumb to even consider the guys are lying, Monica even wondering if they know the numbers. Jonas doesn't let Leif in on the real plan right away since he blabbed last time to Bill, but Colton gets them in on the plan and even tells Leif they have Alicia as a back-up for him. Colton has to tell Tarzan over and over the name "Monica" because the man cannot remember the name whatsoever. Oy vey.

Tribal council. Monica is upbeat, happy and sees the tribe as one. Then Alicia kisses her ass and points out Monica could be viewed as a threat. Monica's argument is that she is trying to help the team, not further her own game. Tarzan is a ding dong and he won't reveal his vote to the group because 1. it's a game and 2. I doubt he remembers Monica's name. He also doesn't reveal much personal information because "the game is a foot." Oh and Tarzan has some sort of affasia (sp??) where he can't remember people's names and sure enough when asked to name his tribemates, he struggles with Monica and Jonas. No surprise, Monica is voted off and it's her and Christina that are blindsided.

March 13, 2012

The Bachelor: Ben Finds Fiance, Still Hasn't Found a Barber

3/13/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Finale

Tonight is dubbed "the most controversial ending in Bachelor history" so aren't they already giving away the ending in the first minute of the show? Anyways, let's recap the inevitable.

After another rousing playing of "This Year's Love" over snippets of Lindzi and Courtney, Ben claims he loves them both and this will be so false. Tough. Ben's mom and sister get a free Switzerland trip to help Ben out. Ben wants his family to really grill the women and give an honest assessment, though ultimately they'll get ignored if they hate the woman he prefers. Ben's concern with Lindzi is do they need more time to open up; his Courtney concern is obviously is she a raging bitch. Upon learning the season bitch is still in the final two he gets a "Hhmph" in response from his sister.

Lindzi meets the fam first with that faced of horrible caked on make-up. Lindzi is introduced as horse girl and they all share lunch. In alone time with mom, Lindzi explains she's in love with Ben. Sister digs more about how she'll feel if Ben proposes and Lindzi is so excited and surprised she did find love. Sis brings up the Courtney bomb and Lindzi says Courtney is different and shut-off, not as much of a people person as the other girls. Sister Julia approves of Lindzi, mom thinks she's the total package and great.

Ben requests his family be open-minded about Courtney and when it's revealed she's a model, it's another sister Julia red flag. Immediately discussion is about Courtney's isolating behavior in the house. Courtney insists she tried to get to know the girls, got rejected, put a guard up. Courtney explains to Ben's mom that she feels vulnerable, which his mom says is similar to how Ben is feeling since he tried and failed at proposing to Ashley. Julia ends up telling Ben she shouldn't have pre-judged Courtney and that she likes Courtney too. The fam can tell Ben has fallen for Courtney. Even his family knows they might have to defend his choice of Courtney and explain he saw a different side of her.

Lindzi and Ben have one last date together, which starts in a horse-drawn carriage ride that probably smells of farts. Romantic! They ditch the horses to ski by the Matterhorn and I hope Ben isn't mobbed by people fearing he is the Yeti. So they have a private picnic on a gondola, get their crunk on and prepare to ski. The gondola stops mid-way up, suspending by the Matterhorn, which allows the ideal time for Lindzi to open up. Lindzi asks if Ben can see an "us in the future" and he says he could. Then Ben teaches Lindzi to ski by like sitting on top of each other or something. Is this how you learn to ski because I've never been. I just thought it was that pizza/french fries shit from South Park. That night Ben goes to Lindzi's hotel room for one more night of making out and a last chance to express feelings. Lindzi is surprised how this experience played out and tells Ben she loves him and he says... "It's good." They kiss a little more but again, no tongue and hardly an open mouth. We don't get to see what shitty craft project gift Lindzi gave him which is the only part of this horrible finale I was looking forward to, the Regretsy level craft work.

Ben and Courtney embark on their final date, but not before Courtney can say she never saw depth with Lindzi and she's confident. A helicopter comes to sweep them up and that dumbass Courtney calls it a heli-chopper. You dope. They share a romantic flight above the snowcapped mountains and by the Matterhorn. Ben says this is one of the top 10 things he's ever done and I'd imagine the other nine are the other 9 helicopter rides he's been on this season. Then they picnic and grill on a mountain and I hope someone hollers and an avalanche happens. Ben and Courtney make snow angels, talk about the family meeting, go sledding (hopefully off a cliff) and Ben explains that he feels totally himself with Courtney. In their last meeting, Ben and Courtney share a pot of fondue in her hotel room (which warms the heart of my gurl hstrong_, a lover of fondue). And out comes the shitty crafting gift!! Courtney magically gets ahold of photos to make a scrapbook and write a really long letter inside a card expressing her love to Ben. Ben's like "that's really nice" and then they awkwardly lay in silence. Courtney lets more roll and gives penance for her season-long asshole behavior and that she's upset Ben would tell his family she was a jerk. I like that they don't acknowledge the church bell that won't stop ringing in the background.

Ben walks around Switzerland alone and voiceover ponders his love for both women. The other two girls get excited for what could be the biggest day of their life from the confines of being trapped in a hotel room. It's while leaning over the edge of a balcony (but not pulling a Mesnick) that Ben has a moment of clarity knowing which woman he wants to pick. You've known for weeks ya GD liar. Then the Neil Lane guy shows up to mock Ben for failing at a proposal last time and picking another ring for a different girl. Ben can't wait to spend the rest of his life with the woman he chooses which is the biggest LOLZ moment since we know this will last eight months- tops. But before happiness, Ben will crush the soul of the other girl.

Lindzi, in a black glown with a skirt that gives the effect of feathers and emerald cape (how Slytherin), arrives in the first helicopter at what I am calling Proposal Mountain. Not a good sign, gurl. Lindzi is babbling in voiceovers how much she loves Ben and hopes she's engaged after this day. Then she babbles when she meets up with Ben about how she's fallen in love, what a journey, blah. Ben says she made such a first impression and their relationship grew, he fell in love with her, buuuuut the moments that will last a lifetime will be with someone else. He's in love with someone else. NO FREAKIN' SHIT BEN, WE'VE KNOWN SINCE WEEK 2 BASICALLY. He apologizes, Lindzi shrugs and is mad she couldn't give Ben what he wanted (nudity on a third date), and Ben walks her off. Overall Lindzi is pretty composed and not the basketcase crying we'd love to see, though she is clearly humiliated and that's probably because he picked the season succubus of evil.

Courtney's exits her helicopter black dress with a sparkly, beaded neck, black gloves, and a cream cape, like a more fashionable Cruella DeVille. Ben greets Courtney with a little peck and says Courtney kind of took his breath away. I don't know, might be the mountain altitude. Ben says that even in the ups and downs, he could see what their life could be and that they understand each other. Ben tells Courtney that she is his forever (audience laughs) and he is in love with her. Courtney laugh/cries. Ben gets down on one knee to reveal the Neil Lane branded diamond ring box to propose. Courtney accepts, removes her black glove and gets a ring slipped on her finger. They vow to each other "I will love you forever." Then do a bunch of mountaintop closed mouth pecking before giving Courtney the final rose.

After the Final Rose

Chris Harrison tells us to hold our judgement so Ben and Courtney can tell their sides of the story and I think we are thinking "hellllllll no."

Ben is brought out first alone to be interrogated by three-arm-gesture available Chris Harrison. Ben says he still loves Courtney but the woman he saw a lot of times on the TV isn't the Courtney he knows. Ben said he did listen to the women but since they never gave real proof he wasn't able to really take heed of their warnings. Ben feels America didn't see the full story and he wasn't duped by some temptress. He explains her behavior made everything harder on him and for a while he didn't talk to Courtney and they were essentially broken up. Cue audience gasps! Ben insists he has no kissed another woman or cheated on Courtney and the tabloid photos are old.

Courtney gets her solo time with Chris Harrison to an audience of half applause and snarled faces of disgust. Chris points out that usually on After the Final Rose the crowds are going wild for love. Courtney admits responsibility in the negative publicity her and Ben have received. All went well before the show started airing then shit hit the fan and oh dear god, he didn't send Valentine's flowers. Courtney says Ben abandoned her when she needed him most and kept trying to reach out to Ben but he blew her off. Courtney says that yes, she's pretty sure at this point they're a couple but she's also not 100% sure and gets a little weepy. Courtney thinks some normalcy and talks could help. No shit.

Ben and Courtney are reunited on stage for an awkward, weird couples counseling but an unlicensed, horrible therapist that just raises one hand up and down. Oh wait, a two handed up and down from Chris Harrison- new move! Ben insists he and Courtney are still engaged, in a good place, and from here it can only get better. Yeah, if you go into hiding. The root of their relationship problems, besides Courtney's mega-bitch behavior, was the distance and inability to talk because of show isolation. Ben says he won't abandon Courtney now and apologizes for not standing by her while the world tore her to shreds. Then they re-watch their proposal and cry because it was beautiful and then airing the show and tabloids shit all over a wonderful moment, ruining a happy memory for them. Chris Harrison busts out the engagement ring and Ben re-gives it to Courtney.

To bring some likability back to the franchise, Ashley and JP are hauled out to show not all relationships on this show are horrid. Ashley thinks getting out of the public will help them and the people are horrible. Yes, yes we are. Can we all agree that JP is like super hot? But these two are happy together and while wedding discussions have been had, it's not uber-planned or anything. But they are hoping to get married within a year. As a person who shits all over this franchise because it's fun to be snarky, these two do seem really happy and in love and best of luck to them.

In Bachelor Pad news, this season the show is casting from people desperate to become yet another conquest to some of the former contestants. Yes, much like the Real World Road RulesChallenges, now outsiders can compete on Bachelor Pad and be forced into a saddened exile where the veterans don't accept them. Have fun with that desperate famewhores.

March 11, 2012

Reality Rundown: Completely Bum-Puzzled Right Now

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: One World

The Amazing Race - Teams fly to Asuncion, Paraguay to retrieve their next clue and there is an 8:45am flight that would give a decent lead. Married Rachel/Dave, Border Patrol Art/JJ, federal agents Nary/Jamie, and rednecks Bopper/Mark are able to get on that 8:45 flight. All the other teams are two hours behind.

The first clue has to be found in this sort of playground thing with tons of slides and ladders and shit (the clue is in a grill). The first clue is a Detour: stack watermelons in a perfect pyramid or attach 36 strings to a harp. The first four all opt for the watermelons in the sweltering heat and the Border Patrol guys nail the challenge first. The other teams start to face issues when their pyramids collapse, so the three teams switch to the harp detour. Meanwhile, the second flight arrives and those teams start to select their Detours (mostly watermelon, but the twin brothers opt for the harps). Best moment: Clay and Bopper telling another team the watermelons are easy and steal their cab- LOLZ. I like them. Smack talk begins between Brenchel and some other team when another team comments that they can see Rachel's vagina through her cheap stretch pants. Brenchel ditches the melons right away and shittalk Vanessa for ever speaking ill of her. Dave and Rachel realize every team has caught up to them so use the Express Pass to skip the Detour. The watermelons are basically a fail for all teams who attempt it, causing a lot of stress.

The next clue is a Roadblock where one person must perform a traditional bottle dance, with the bottle on top of their head. If they smash all their bottles teams will receive a two hour penalty which is an interesting twist. I'm pretty shocked Border Patrol was able to complete the task as fast as the editing implied. Dave and Rachel's Express Pass use might be shot to shit as Dave smashes all his bottles and they will incur a 2 hour penalty.

Border Patrol checks in as team #1, way ahead of the other teams it seems, and win a trip to the Bahamas. Because of the time penalty, Rachel and Dave need to sit on the sidelines for two hours to check in. This allows Brenchel to become team #2 and the Jersey guys team #3. Rachel of Brenchel has a half-breakdown on the mat pretending to puke from being out of breath. Rachel and Dave get to check in as team #5, right after my new faves Bopper and Mark check in 4th. So waaaaaay behind the pack are dating divorcees Vanessa and Ralph and twin brothers Elliot and Andrew. Like so far behind it's now nighttime when this leg started in the morning and it's a battle behind two teams that sucked really hard this leg. Ralph is able to complete the dance before the bros, but they're right behind. It becomes an intense footrace through the nighttime city, or just another piece of editing. Vanessa and Ralph come in 8th while the bros check in last and are eliminated.

Survivor: One World - Let's start off this episode with the funniest thing I can recall in years of Survivor: Leif, the little person, apparently sleeps inside the supplies crate. I can't. It's too much.

The women are well-off now, with fire and a batch of snails cooking on it, and the men offer to teach them how to use the net and split the profits. The women decline and the men can't believe they'd turn this down.

Not even 10 minutes into the episode we've got a Reward Challenge: shoot coconuts at a wall of targets and knock down five in a row. They do five so Connect Four doesn't sue them. The reward this week is a choice of comfort (blankets and shit), protection (tarp and stuff), or luxury (coffee, sugar, creamer, donuts). It's just a lot of shooting coconuts back and forth, thrilling TV. The Salani women get their five and a row for a third-in-a-row challenge victory. The women wisely choose for the tarp protection reward eventhough donuts are so amazing and I want one right now.

The men whine about their loss at camp saying they didn't have time to learn the game. You mean the very basic game of shooting coconuts at five targets in a row? Bill is the only one smart enough to say the women have momentum and it's time to start competing. Bill then learns from Leif that Colton wants Bill out and it was a definite possibility last Tribal. Colton gets wind of this, says that "the little munchkin is going to be knocked back to Oz," and tells Leif he's next out of the game for picking the wrong side. Oh and then he calls him an Oompa Loompa. Leif is kinda screwed because no one trusts him from blabbing.

The Immunity Challenge this week to to get tied up as paired to go across a teeter totter, solve a puzzle, retrieve keys, and use the keys to undo locks to let their freak flag fly. Alicia and Chelsea, the first pair of women, are absolute puzzle fails so when Kat accidentally inferred Alicia was dumb earlier she wasn't wrong. Alicia and Chelsea end up looking at the men's completed puzzle to solve theirs, infuriating the men and inciting chants of "Cheat!" Well mainly just old man Tarzan, but even Probst brings up the women can look at the finished puzzles. The women are stuck on the second puzzle when the men's flag goes up and give Manono immunity. Probst rubs salt in the women's wounds, especially Alicia since she cheated off the completed puzzle yet still couldn't get it right for a long time. Alicia just kinda smirks and giggles.

Despite being in the alliance of five, Alicia is now on the chopping block. Eventhough the men are immune, the drama doesn't stop. Bill tries to squash the beef with Colton, who is a brat. Bill doesn't like being ignored which sets him off, calling Colton a spoiled brat and following him around camp. Colton relays the drama and Colton tells Jonas and Troy(zan) that they should give the women immunity and vote Bill off now. Instead of saying "you're out of your fucking mind," some of the alliance likes this plan. Tarzan pulls the group in to talk because he hates traitors and the intent is to go to Tribal Council and vote off Leif, tribal traitor. Colton, who has deemed himself leader and showrunner, still wants Bill out and will not stop.

Into Tribal Council marches Manono, which stuns Jeff Probst still hello you dumbfucks have immunity. 24 seasons and never has a tribe willingly given up tribal immunity to eliminate someone. The group is prepared to sacrifice Leif no matter what horrible, stupid move it is. Colton goes on his tirade against Bill because he's annoying and brings up that Bill should get a job. Bill explains his lifestory of being alone since 17 and being poor is his way. Colton plays the best card ever which is the "I have black friends card." Jeff asks who the black person is and Colton says it's his housekeeper!! And she's like family!! And Probst says "paid family."!! Colton insists it's not a race thing but a get a real job thing even though I guess maybe Colton doesn't have a real job either? Bill is following his dream to be a comic. Colton goes on some other rant about like rich people being more open-minded than poor white trash living in a trailer? It's all too much. Tarzan comes to Colton's defense and feels Colton is being painted as a racist and is tired of these race fights and that race doesn't matter anymore, judge people by their actions. "WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT!" One long argument later, Bill is voted off the tribe.

March 7, 2012

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All About How Much They Hate Courtney

3/07/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - The Women Tell All

The Women Tell All is basically the most boring thing to recap ever. Here's the formula: tears are shed, bloopers are played, and some girl who got eliminated like week three gets all loud and pissy so that she can get cast on Bachelor Pad. Since this season has nothing else to cover, they bring Courtney out and she sheds some tears- real or crocodile, who the hell knows.

Before we get into this season, we see the Bachelor reunion in Vegas or as we might call it, an orgy. A whole bunch of nobody no-names that got dumped on this show get black out drunk and bang as many people as possible in hopes of making it onto Bachelor Pad 3. There's even a few non-dumped people there like Bachelorette Ali, former Bachelor winner Ed, and Frank the guy who basically dumped Bachelorette Ali for his ex. We'll have to see if they stage it for these two to return and be paired on Bachelor Pad. I think it'll just depend on how desperate Ali is to still be famous.

Back to the reunion where "all the most memorable women" are sitting. I love when Chris Harrison claims they were memorable when it's really just everyone Ben dumped on the way to going to the bone zone with Courtney. Blakeley is the first topic of discussion for not wanting to make friends and lasting longer than others. And the girl who is trying desperately to fight to get on Bachelor Pad is that girl Ben dumped mid-date for not being there for the right reasons, Samantha. She shouts at everyone which to me validates that she was never on The Bachelor to fall in love (heh) but there to get noticed and get on TV more. Brittney, the girl who quit the show because she didn't have any attraction to Ben, tells Samantha to shut up which is wonderful. Drinking game alert: take a sip anytime Chris Harrison tells someone he'll give them the last word.

To stir up more drama, Shawntel is brought in as a surprise guest... again. Eyes bulge because there is still raging for Shawntel attempting to get a shot with Ben. Shawntel was hurt because the girls called her bitch, white trash, ugly, and were downright nasty to her. Shawntel understands that no one was there to be her bestie but didn't know these girls would be such assholes. The girls apologize yet justify their mean girl attitude because they were threatened.

Emily is brought to the hot seat to chat about her Courtney rivalry and Ben's shutting her out with the "tread lightly." All the girls agree that it's hard to get anywhere in a relationship with Ben after the skinny dipping because from then on it was just about sex. When asked what if Ben chooses Courtney there's an audience groan and Emily says, "He made his bed, he'll have to lie in it." Now Emily knows how to read he's not that into you signals.

Divorcee Nicki fell hard for Ben and knew it was love since they went to Belize. Nicki thought being comfortable together is good for a relationship, but wonders if maybe he wanted to be challenged more. She was shocked she got dumped in Switzerland but now she's OK. Kacie B was open to finding love on The Bachelor and thought it would work for her. I guess she failed statistics. Love is a two-way street and it wasn't reciprocated by Ben and he constant reassurance that everything was OK and then getting dumped blindsided her. While initially her elimination left her with questions, he overly staged return helped give her answers.

The women lament at what a nasty, conniving bitch Courtney was. Courtney's one friend Casey S tries to defend her but it falls to deaf ears; the girls do not curr. No one believes Courtney came to find love and only came to win the show regardless of the guy. For the first time ever, a member of the final two is brought on stage and that is season bitch Courtney. There is no way they could have just let her slide by and not face the other girls since typically the final two just appear on the After the Final Rose special. Courtney comes out afraid of the reaction from the girls. Blakeley first pounces for Courtney saying she was a stripper and a girl a guy would cheat on his girlfriend with eventhough Blakeley was nice to her. Courtney admits she was a dick throwing Emily's apology away. Courtney says it's not an excuse but when she had a couple of days to herself she realized she was a giant horrible bitch.

Some girls think Courtney isn't remorseful and is at The Women Tell All to save her image and her apology went to Ben, not to the girls she hurt. As Emily rails into Courtney for being a bitch some more, tears well up in her eyes. HAHAHAHA. Courtney apologizes to the girls but I don't think they accept it too much considering Emily throws it back in her face that Courtney said she doesn't forgive and forget yet expects the girls to. The girls are all talking over each other and Courtney breaks down more and insists it's real emotions and she should've handled herself better during filming. Courtney apologizes again and apologizes to Ben for all the drama/nonsense.

The dullard of the season, Bachelor Ben, is brought out on stage to face the women he dumped. The questions are pretty much always "why did you dump me?" or "I wish I got closure." Zzzzz. No one grills Ben for being the skeeze he was like why did you get naked and practically bone a girl so early in the process? The girls are so forgiving and would still take Ben back if given the chance so I guess a lot of his desirable qualities must be on the cutting room floor. Roll the bloopers!

Next week: Ben chooses the woman he'll end up breaking up with in about two months.

March 4, 2012

Reality Rundown: Cock Alliance Loses Main Dick

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: One WorldFinale! Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - Teams drive to Cafayte Town Square which means... equalizer. In the morning they mob a poor man on horseback to retrieve their first clue: a detour. The teams have the choice of assembling a solar kitchen to boil water or gather firewood and clay and deliver to a shop. Most teams opt to boil water but the Border Patrol dudes opt to grab wood, getting lost in the process. Bopper and Mark, the redneck ebony and ivory best friends, have sons so they are masters of Legos and quickly assemble the solar panel, but the boiling takes a while for them (and all teams). Art and JJ (Border Patrol guys) may have gotten lost, but the task allows them to catch up and pass the teams by a lot.

Teams then travel by bus for 18 freakin' hours to Buenos Aires and I'm jammin' to the Evita song in my head. The teams end up on three buses and as we're getting a jaunty drive montage the show cuts to black and them a slam noise. Bus #2 was in an accident, smashing windows and all. Bus #2 is some dating couple, the twin bros, the married clowns, and the Jersey guys; suddenly this bus is in the back of the pack.

The clue in Buenos Aires is a "Where's the beef?" Roadblock to calculate cattle total while an auction is going on. WTF?? This challenge sucks. Non-BB Rachel (the married one) and Border Patrol JJ work together to solve the math and guess the correct weight and get the hell out of the dumb task. Big Brother Rachel starts to get stressed. The Border Patrol explains that they wouldn't help Brenchel because their team is perceived as tag-alongs that follow what everyone else does instead of figuring it out themselves. Mark of the best friends help her with the answer. Brenchel's cab takes off because Rachel asked for a delay or something, leading to her having one of her trademark annoying breakdowns.

El Gomero, a big ass tree, is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. Married couple Dave and Rachel check in as team #1 again and win a trip to Granada. All the other teams are checking into the Pit Stop as the final bus is pulling into Buenos Aires. Phil uses the bus breakdown to tease the two women teams originally on the final bus. Not too surprising as I figured they'd be out early, the clowns are eliminated.

Survivor: One World - A storm's a-comin' and that's not some metaphor for tribal chaos. The men extend the women an invitation to stay in their shelter but the women decide to tough it out. Enjoy a sleepless, freezing, ladies! The men are the total opposite: dry and they still have fire. The women cave and cuddle by the fire in the morning to warm up and dry off. Turns out the jock a-hole guys (aka Matt) doesn't want the women honing in on their shelter.

Reward challenge separate from immunity challenge- woo! It's a memory task to look at a series of objects and then recreate it. The prize is fishing supplies and a canoe, an excellent prize for survival purposes. This is the challenge I plat along with at home, shouting the patterns to prove I am fantastic at memory. Hey, it's the only challenges I'd ace if I were there. In terms of pathetic, Troyzan vs. Kat is completely embarrassing as neither can remember anything. It takes SEVEN tries until Kat wins. At last, the Salani women win a challenge and perhaps this will give them the momentum into the immunity challenge they need to not lose another member.

The storm starts up again when the women try to get their shelter up. Kat and Monica ask the men for an ember and while there's some pushback from Matt, they give it up. The men are willing to help but only if they are getting stuff in return. The women keep popping up to dry by their fire and the men are ready to tell them to GTFO and tough it up after being denied the ability to use the canoe. When the sun comes out the women decide to become self-sufficient and fish. Well without fire it'll be sushi but whatevs.

Immunity challenge! Everyone will be blindfolded except a caller who will direct them through an obstacle course to collect puzzle pieces. The caller will them assemble the puzzle pieces. Yup, return of the damn puzzles. The callers are Sabrina for Salani caller and Bill for Manono. Sabrina's calling skills are not so great, while Ben is right on in his directions. The men retrieve all their puzzle pieces first, giving him a big lead over the women who only have three bags at this point. Bill takes his time with the puzzle due to his lead and finally the women get together their pieces. The puzzle is this really intricate cool tree puzzle so I give them kudos for not picking the same dumb puzzle as every year. Sabrina's teammates help her out (particularly Kim) and begins to catch up to Bill. It's a nail-biter and in a big shocker, Salani wins! Girl power!

Now it's time for the men to tear each other apart. Colton hates Bill for blowing the lead and being annoying. Colton can be annoying but Bill does say "brah" and "bro" so he kinda has a point. Until he calls Bill "ghetto trash." Um yeah, not cool bro! Colton makes sure to convene with his alliance to try to get Bill out this week. Tarzan is like uhhh we should get rid of Matt the dick. Jay comes over to eavesdrop and with his back against the wall, opts for vote with the five. Matt pulls Troy aside to try to make maybe another deeper alliance that takes out Colton tonight. Troyzan ain't biting at Matt's alliance of all the "roosters." That's right, cause you're a cock!

Tribal time! The men get the fire is life speech, always a favorite moment of mine. Right away Colton blurts out at Tribal that he has an immunity idol and that he will play it tonight. Jeff tries to make Colton realize that him fraternizing with the women's tribe is making him a bigger target. Bill makes an accurate assessment which is that while Colton felt like they pre-judged him, Colton are pre-judged his tribe. Matt uses more stupid bird metaphors to basically say he doesn't like Tarzan. Meanwhile, no one likes Matt cause he's a dick. So glad I went against my alpha-male-for-the-win pre-season pick strategy. Bill, well he's just happy to be there.

Finale! Top Chef: Texas - I have never wanted a season of Top Chef to end so much in my life. This has been by far the worst season ever. First: unbearably long. Second: horrible chefs. Third: horrible challenges. I know Tim Riggin said "Texas forever" but I'm ready to ignore it for a long time. Onto the finale.

The final task is no frills, no dumb fucking Texas theme: create a four course tasting meal and the restaurant of your dreams. Like a mini Restaurant Wars. For the usual sous chefs, it is actually a competition between this season's rejects and two legit master chefs. This is to fill the time of an otherwise boring finale. The losers have 45 minutes to prepare a dish and then Paul and Sarah taste them all and pick their three favorites. Paul's team is master chef Barbara Lynch, Ty-Lor, handsome Chris, and Keith. Sarah's team is Nyesha, Tyler (the annoying audition episode dick), Heather, and Grayson. Must suck to be the master chef who didn't get picked but he can get his revenge by being an asshole at the final meal. Speaking of being a dick, Tyler is horrible for Sarah and obviously wants to shine on the team rather than help Sarah with a win. Paul and Sarah also get a chance to sit down with a glass of wine and tell their menus to Tom and Emeril and get some tips.

Paul's restaurant is Qi is Asian dishes and has no meat courses, though he has two fish courses. First course is chawanmushi, edamame, pea shoots and spot prawns. Chawanmushi sounds like that Alan Jackson song. Next course is grilled sea bass with clam dashi, pickled radishes and mushrooms. Third course is congee with scrambled eggs, uni, kale and smoke albacore. The texture was weird and the dish not as interesting as the first two. Paul's final dish, dessert, is a liquid nitrogen coconut ice cream with puffed rice, kumquats, mangosteen, Thai chili foam and a jasmin gelee. The foam is spicy and the rice is a nice constrast; it's a bold dish. One judge calls it a "sexy meal." Paul runs out of eggs which isn't a good thing she he has two egg dishes.

Sarah names her restaurant Monte Verde and looking at the menu appears to be maybe Spanish or Italian food? First course is a squid ink tagliatelle, spot prawns and fresh coconut. Second course is rye crusted steelhead trout with a fennel sauce, pickled beets and gras pista. The judges note that the beets are undercooked but the rye crust is great. Sarah's third course is what she considers her riskiest: braised veal cheek with crispy veal sweetbreads. Padma calls is "luscious" though Sarah is upset with the texture of the polenta first time around so modifies it for the next judges. The meal concludes with a hazelnut cake with kumquat and roasted white chocolate ganache. The dessert is considered the best of them all, wowing the judges and diners. However in her second round of judging, a diner calls her aside and warns her that her fish might have bones in it, stirring a panic because a bone is a game-ender.

Tom said that this is probably the best finale food they've ever had. I guess this terrible season has one thing going for it then. The judges break down the dishes course by course and it really is even. Sarah's main faults are the polenta in the first group of judges and the pickled beets. Padma, who hates white chocolate, praises Sarah's dessert as the best the show has ever had. Paul's spot prawns were overcooked at the second judging but Paul knew it was bad. His congee is praised for showing "great confidence" but some have squabbles about the dish so it's mixed opinions. Tom doesn't like sweet desserts so he loved Paul's dessert. Both meals were pretty impeccable and if it weren't obvious Paul wasn't going to win all season, it would be a pretty unpredictable event. The judges deliberate and call Sarah and Paul back into the room. Paul is named Top Chef. The season finally ends! Well sorta since there's a reunion that I won't be watching next week.