June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette: Producer's Sloppy Seconds

The Bachelorette - Week 7

Emily and her dudes ditch Croatia for Prague and someone better get ridiculously messed up on absinthe or it's not even worth the trip.  Chris Harrison's accordion hands tell us this is the "most romantic city" and "the biggest week."  It actually is a big week because next week is hometowns with four guys, meaning two are getting dumped.  There are also four dates so extra paragraph for this week's Rundown. Let's go!

On the first date, Emily and Ari "Czech out Prague together," creating a pun explosion that could devastate a small island nation.  Emily busts out her Fodor's travel guide and her and Ari get to their tourist shit, like walking slow and attempting to kiss while walking.  While Emily loves kissing Ari, Emily knows a secret about Ari.  DRAMA!

Suddenly, we're back in sunny California in front of the mansion with Chris Harrison in a suit telling us it's time to address the rumors: years ago, Ari had a relationship with a Bachelorette producer and now that Emily is falling for him, said producer (Cassie Lambert) told Emily.  And then we are treated to Cassie (off camera) interviewing Emily about this reveal, and Emily is not pleased Ari has never disclosed this information.  The producer's explains it's not a thing and her and Ari aren't even in communication anymore.  Emily is more upset that Ari hasn't said anything at all, not even just saying "Oh Cassie, I used to know her."  Time for the dramatic date cutback.

At an outdoor cafe over big ass beers, Emily asks Ari if he feels he's been really open with her.  He says of course and says he's trustworthy, because he doesn't understand how Emily always asks baiting questions.  Emily keeps stressing having no secrets is huge multiple times and Ari decides to be honest: he used to have a tattoo of his ex's name but it's removed. Wrong truth, but getting there.  And right when it seems we're getting to it, Chris Harrison time again.  The big discussion did happen between Emily, Ari, and Cassie but it was off camera.  Ari said it was so brief and so long ago he didn't think it was a big deal; Emily agrees. Overblown drama over.  And we skip ahead in time to Emily and Arie all gussied up, dining by the water, and talking about the big secret now being out.  Then they kiss and Ari tells Emily he's in love with her.  That is definitely a really early L-bomb drop on this show.  Emily says if things keep going this way, nothing would make her happier.  Fireworks!  No literally, they shoot up over the water.

John "Wolf", who was mercifully kept one more week, gets the next one-on-one date that includes no date card puns.  First, they take a boatride down the river and that's boring.  Things get hilarious when they find the John Lennon wall, an astonishing spot of graffiti, and Emily gives a history lesson about music being censored during communism.  Because she knows this off the top of her head.  They get to paint something on the wall together, so they paint a boat to remind them of their date.  Another monument is found where you put messages on locks and put it on a gate, so that do that too.  John will have so many memories of the location he'll probably get dumped at.  For dinner, they have a romantic dinner in a dungeon, as all girls dream of.  They talk of John's failed relationships which includes getting cheated on, so he's a slow burn because he's faced heartbreak.  They smooch.

After Emily's date with John ends, Sean runs out to the Czech streets shouting "Emily!" He must find her, no matter where she is in the city.  Good thing there is not a single pedestrian to be found to see his humiliation.  He finds Emily in an alley and she's happy for the surprise.  She's all smiles, they chat, they makeout in an alley. Romance!

Sean, Doug, and Chris are given the group date, which is appropriate since Chris has been moping about a lack of alone time.  Sean doesn't care because he got some sweet alley makeout time already.  The four cozy up in the most awkward horse drawn carriage ride ever to get to their destination: another castle.    Emily takes Sean aside first and he stresses he's no different in real life, but he's also so hands off.  His body language gives a stand-offish vibe rather than let's make out in a Czech castle.  Emily brings Sean outside and under his blue plaid umbrella, tells him this relationship is too damn slow so Doug dives in for a quick peck kiss.  Emily has fought a lot for Doug but doesn't think he's putting himself out there enough.  Emily sends Doug on his unmerry way to go home and be with his son.  Emily gets to keep the umbrella, Doug cries in a van.

Oh yeah, there are still two other guys on the date and there's a rose up for grabs.  Thanks to some keys, Sean scores the first alone time at the castle.  In a little candlelit room, Sean yaps about his family again and how it would be natural for her to meet his family.  They share a quick kiss.  Mopey Chris finally gets his solo time and he's very happy and admits he's been bothered.  Then they smooch.  Same old, same old.  Emily gives the rose to Sean, saying this is for the person whose family she most wants to meet. Chris is pissed, but he's not out yet, but yeah still feels like shit.

The episode feels like it should be over but hellllll no, there is still another one-on-one with 90210 hair Jef.  They head to explore town which includes playing with an extremely creepy Michael Jackson marionette puppet.  After getting marionettes to represent themselves, Jef runs inside and apparently steals a small one to symbolize Ricki.  The puppets then re-enact their relationship from first impressions, to avoiding Emily, to being way into her.  Worst puppet show ever.  With a puppet to hide behind, Jeff uses the marionette to tell Emily he loves her and hopes they can get a dog together (she says a cat).  The puppets kiss, then Emily and Jef kiss.  The next stop of the date is a big ol' library that looks like the one in Beauty and the Beast.  Jef explains who Emily will meet on hometowns and that he wants to show off his awesome family.  The big reveal is that Jef once dumped a girl because his family didn't approve, so she gets nervous.  But they have deep relationship talks about marriage, kids, living together, etc.  They makeout on the library floor and it would be great if a librarian came in and shushed them.

The rose ceremony is looming. Chris realizes he was being a party pooper after not getting a rose.  But alas, his time with Emily shall be non-existent because Emily knows her picks and would prefer not to prolong it with a party.  When Chris learns the news he's like sheeeeeeeit and then gets all red-eyed and weepy for possibly screwing it all up.  Emily comes out to divvy out her plate of roses and after giving roses to Jef and Ari (dur), there's a long awkward pause before the last rose.  Chris blurts out that he needs to talk to Emily and she gives him his time.  Chris apologizes for acting like a baby/jackass on the date and took the week for granted.  He tells Emily he is falling in love with her and she's smiley and grateful that Chris has put himself out there.  The conversation end and Emily returns to the last rose on the dish.  She gives the final rose to Chris and John "Wolf" is surely not pleased but we all totally knew he was getting cut regardless of what kinda 'tude Chris had on the date.

Next week: blurry montages of Emily feeling sorrow.

June 20, 2012

Reality Rundown: Nooo It's Nothing Like Big Brother . . .

6/20/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Glass House - Week 1

It's a "stunning, transparent living space with no secrets" AKA Big Brother with glass walls, shot in HD, and America gets to decide more than what piece of shit food houseguests eat for a week.  Players include the immediately annoying bail bondsman, a Mormon mom, a stuntman, poet, "fat hot gay guy", a nurse who poses for Playboy, and a middle aged sex blogger, to name a few.

In The Glass House, the wall is a place where the players convene to find the decisions viewers (not fans, because we're assholes online) have made for them.  For the first challenge, the viewers voted to split the teams into East vs. West.  Some dumb motherfucker doesn't know which coast Oregon is on.  Each team must choose a team captain and the losing team captain, along with another member of the losing team, will be expelled from the house into Limbo and up for the public vote.

The viewers also voted where the players will live and who their roommate is, and there's also not enough beds for everyone.  The viewers try to stir up drama by pairing the oldest lady with the youngest but nothing happens. The hot cop offers to sleep on the couch.  The chimes ring again to head to the wall: the viewers have selected a pool party for the players first night in the Glass House.  Cue the wannabe model actress girls in skimpy bikinis, donning the Mardi Gras beads and feather boas the viewers voted in.  Jeffrey, known as Ginger Bear on the interwebs now, overflows the hot tub when he gets in with everyone.  More fun comes from viewer votes for food, drinks, and games (kiss and blow - "God Elton, can't you suck?").

Team captains for the upcoming challenge are selected: dumb cook/Oregon idiot Jacob for the West Coast and Ginger Bear Jeffrey for the East.  Dumber is poet Apollo who isn't going to play the game and instead will leave his elimination/Limbo votes up to chance with a deck of cards.  But enough people stupidity, let's roll out the first challenge.  The challenge is to match up a player's name to a very personal fact they revealed about themselves, but this is also a puzzle where you have to flip tiles while riding lifts controlled by another player.  This show is so ridic to recap.  Bail bondsman Alex thinks he's so smart and makes all the decisions about the facts, which are all totally wrong.  After terrible communication, they eventually get it.  The East Coast team is far more calm, collected, and willing to listen, finishing the puzzle nearly four minutes faster than the West Coast.  East Coast wins the challenge which means Jacob is going to Limbo. YESSSSS.  Next step: the house votes who joins Jacob in Limbo.
Alex realizes he's in hot water because he's "primetime 99 Alex Stein" and he immediately starts campaigning for safety.  Hello bullseye.  He walks around the house in his underwear, giving the censors some balls and to blur out.  He wants to make the house fun apparently?  Kevin hates Alex and if he wasn't already hot enough physically, his hatred of Alex makes him even hotter.  Alex thinks everyone in the house except dumb Jacob sucks.  Oh and at some point the slutty nurse starts asking the other women to spank her.  What a cast.

Bing-bong, head to the wall.  It seems players get a chance to ask viewers a question for them to vote on, fun or strategic.  Viewers tell Gene to align with the women, not the men (laughter ensues since no one knows the question).  Erica hilariously asks if Arie the racecar driver is still on The Bachelorette.  Apollo asks some toolish "Did you smile today?" question.  Alex gets the nod from viewers to become the most horrible reality show villain ever.  This is the most fun part of the show.

Since Alex got the viewers input on being a villain, he begins going on an in-house tirade to make everyone hate him.  He basically implies Joy the slutty nurse had characteristics in common with a stripper or prostitute, that the Mormon mom is horrible for sharing a room with a guy, someone poops a lot, someone's fat, and that Kevin is a douchebag.  Joy says Alex has no character and he says he's the only character on this show. Ugh, go away.  I'm all for a villain but not one intentionally doing it for fame and notoriety.

Jacob is down in the dumps since he's in Limbo so nurse Joy encourages him to pep up, mainly so America won't keep Alex in the house.  Apollo's dumb cards picks Ashley as his vote to Limbo.  The rest of the house uses their pseduo Nintendo Wii slide and punch moves to vote for Alex to join Jacob in Limbo and while originally I was over Jacob's stupidity, I hate wannabe famewhores even more.  Alex and Jacob head into the Limbo tubes to be put into exile, except Jacob quits the game.  BUT... Alex isn't safe yet. We can still decide if he should leave the house.  Vote wisely people.

June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette: Get Your Turquoise Shoes A-Steppin'

The Bachelorette - Week 6

Emily arrives in Croatia, kid-free (guess children should attend school sometimes) and is ready to embrace the romantic locale.  Do people really call Croatia romantic?  It looks beautiful there but Jef's declaration of "the perfect place to fall in love" seems a little over-exaggerated.

Emily brings the first date card herself to Travis, who was ready to quit this bitch if he didn't finally get a one-on-one.  Travis leaves his suitcase at the door and I'm having flashbacks of the spa guy.  Emily feeds us important Croatia history from her Fodor's travel book as she and Travis explore the old city of Dubrovnik.  Travis does some balancing tradition where you're supposed to remove your shirt, but he doesn't and Emily gets bummed.  Travis tells us that this date is a 10... on a scale of 8. Oh STFU.  At night the pair walk together under an umbrella (rainy Croatian nights) to their romantic dinner in some castle/dungeon/catacombs.  Travis admits he hasn't dated since his engagement failed two years ago, making Emily all wide-eyed from shock.  But the good news is when he did date, Emily is his usual type.  Emily reaches across the table for the rose and Travis smiles.  Then Emily gives an rambling speech to tell Travis he's been friendzoned.  Emily sends Travis on his way out into the rain but don't worry he has an umbrella (until he throws it to the ground in sadness).  If only he saw the cameraman taking a long shot of his luggage then he would've known the obvious.

The group date card ends up revealing that giant turd Ryan will receive the other one-on-one date, irking the other guys because he's arrogant.  The card mentions "bravery" and that's code for product placement!! Emily and the six guys go see the hottest date movie of the summer, Disney/Pixar's Brave.  And since the movie has guys fighting for the heart of the movie's protagonist Merida the guys can relate since they are fighting for the love of Emily.  After the movie, the men compete in their own Highland Games and there better be some blurred balls when someone falls over in their required uniform of a kilt.  To get to battle, the men ride donkeys (Emily chooses to walk) and then learn from some dude the events of the day: archery (Katniss Everdeen Emily is not), log tossing (hot Sean is so strong he breaks the log), and one where two dudes sit and play tug-of-war with a horizontal pole. The winner of bravest of the day is Chris because he failed at everything but volunteered first and smiled.  Sean kicked major ass and lost- I demand a revote!  Chris gets alone time with Emily in the form of cuddling under a plaid blanket and making out.  And then the show heavy-handedly edits in a shot of a rainbow for magical moments.

The date still isn't over as everyone puts on their suits for a nighttime cocktail date at not-a-hotel-pool.  I am really missing the rooftop pool parties of season's past.  Arie is concerned Emily is still holding a grudge about the Heli-Kalon debacle so he apologizes, though Emily apologizes for holding him to a different standard.  That standard being the I'm obviously picking you, be my boyfriend now standard.  Then they make out against a wall.  Get a room!  Or at least a fantasy suite.  Jef tells Emily she's the kind of girl people write novels about.  Really boring ones, amirite?  Jef is glad they got over the physical hurdle and now their relationship can get stronger which includes more kissing.  Chris declares that he's in this forever and ready for the chance to love Emily, so she excuses herself to grab the date rose and give it to "most handsome" Chris.  I'm not confused but the rose but rather these declarations about how attractive Chris is because I don't see it.

The date card tells Ryan the world is their oyster and Ryan begins to immediately pack for his date.  Turquoise blue suede shoes?  A must wear, obvs.  The rest of the guys think Ryan is playing a game and hopes Emily sees through the bull.  The date is hopping in some little red rental car for a road trip, which means a lot of locals honking and passing them on the road.  Their destination is a boat to go hunting for oysters, eating raw oysters, and Ryan making creepy pick-up lines about her being a pearl.  They then sit on the dock, Ryan talks about god, and brings up Emily being an ideal trophy wife eventhough she loathes this title.  At night, Emily dresses like a tacky life-size Emmy award (a trophy people- get it??) for another dinner in a castle.  Ryan reminds us he is wearing turquoise shoes.  Won't lie, those shoes are kinda pimp but because it's Ryan I hate them.  More annoying trophy wife talk leads to Ryan pulling a piece of notebook paper out of his jacket listing what he's looking for in a wife.  He then creepily reads this list constantly adding "and I think that's important" or "just like you."  Emily can't take it and tells him she doesn't want to be shoved into a mold and isn't perfect, nor does she want to be.  Ryan awkwardly calls attention to the rose on the table, because nothing can be subtle for him, and Emily gives a speech about him being good looking, a great kisser, and funny but her list has family #1.  His never mentioned family.  Emily decides to not give Ryan the rose because maybe they aren't on the same page.  His response, "That is very shocking" and then another ramblefest and my roommate is even screaming "SHUT UP!" at the TV.  This break-up lasts so fucking long and it's excruciating to watch, mainly because this used car salesman motherfucker keeps trying to talk Emily into changing her verdict.  Emily doesn't budge and then Ryan talks EVEN MORE.  He gets his limo goodbye with even more talking. Holy shit, I'm dying.  GOOD RIDDANCE.

The men rejoice that Ryan is gone.  They high five, jump, dance around- it's a miracle.  But Arie is thinking wow, this must be tough on Emily so I should go check on her.  So Arie [gets a producer's permission] heads to Emily's to comfort her.  Arie lets Emily know Ryan sucked and she made a good call.  This is what happens when Emily scolds you for not butting into other people's business.  She gives him Ryan's reject rose and they make out on her bed.  I honestly shouted "GAHH MAKE IT STOP" at the TV.  Arie looks like a horrible kisser.

The cocktail party/rose ceremony is at yet another castle/mansion/creepy house lit by candlelight.  Emily gives us viewers the deets right away: she's narrowed it down to John "Wolf" and Doug in terms of who's getting dumped tonight.  John finally gets airtime and shows his secret grandparents funeral card in his wallet, causing his eyes to well up.  His emotional outpouring shows Emily a new side and they kiss.  Emily continues he quest to corner the bottom rung and pulls Doug aside.  They have a lot in common (single parents) but their relationship has been slow to grow.  Emily wants Doug to be more confident and to make a move.  Even Doug is like shit, I'm probably botching this. 

Chris Harrison shows up for the first time all episode to clink a wine glass and get the rose ceremony crackin'.  Emily hands the roses out to the obvious choices and yes it's down to John and Doug as she said.  But the pressure is too much and she goes outside to find Chris Harrison because she doesn't know what to do, and lord knows Chris Harrison is a fine source of advice.  Chris Harrison points out there are really no rules (only shit producers will and won't let you get away with).  Emily is second-guessing her decisions and can't hand out her final rose and in comes Chris Harrison.  "Here's that second rose you requested." LOLZ.  I totally predicted this going down considering she cut two guys already and we've got a long way to go.

June 12, 2012

The Bachelorette: Quick, Someone Feed Emily More London Trivia


The Bachelorette - Week 5
 

Emily and her ten suitors cross the pond for jolly old England. I'm mostly jealous because it means they can probably watch new episodes of The Only Way is Essex while I'm sitting here tweeting Hulu constantly to get season 4. C'mon Hulu.

The first one-on-one date is with Sean, so expect to see an awkward tongue kiss attempt again. Their date is a private tour of London on a double decker bus AKA hey look at these tourists! But there's not even a tour guide so I guess someone is feeding them details of the date because I seriously doubt Emily knew the church where Princess Diana and Prince Charles got married off the top of her head. Then they kiss in front of Buckingham Palace because there's where William and Kate had their first married kiss. Ughhh you're corny. And for some reason they end up at some place called Speaker's Corner and Sean has to get up high and talk so he blabs about wanting deep, true, great love and is hopeful it might be there with Emily. At night, the two dine at the Tower of London where Emily recites the history lesson someone fed her about Henry VIII. She also has a cold so next week expect about four dudes to have raspy voices. Of course Sean says this is the best date he's ever had and this is going to be my new Bachelorette drinking game rule because every GD date on this show is just soooo great and better than anything ever. Emily talks about how she wants a shitload of kids and Sean would prefer two but he'll do anything Emily says anyways. She gives him the rose and they kiss with a view of the iconic Tower Bridge in the background. Thankfully, we're spared a glance of that creepy slip of the tongue.

For the group date, the men meet Emily in the town where Shakespeare was born (or Shake-a-spear if you're a Scary Movie fan) to act out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Emily wants the guys to just have fun and not take it serious which is a good call because their acting sucks. The role of Romeo gets played by Alejandro, John "Wolf", Ryan, and Heli-Kalon (who takes this fake acting way too serious because he's a tool). Ari and Doug get to play the female role of the Nurse because back in Shakespeare times men played women. I think Chris and Trevor are Tybalt and Mercutio? (We never learn) On a mission to make the world hate Americans, they have to perform in front of an audience. Douchey Ryan get the honor of being the Romeo that gets to kiss Emily. Enjoy the sore throat, bub. Even with the two kisses, Emily is still more smitten with Arie's take on being a woman. BTW, Arie looks like Belle from Beauty and the Beast in his wig and dress.

The fancy costume are ditched for their normal attire to head to a pub for some pints of lager. Arie is glad he made an ass of himself and they kiss (he hopes for a kiss in every city around the world). Ryan's alone time involves a very creepy closing of the curtains just to give Emily a necklace (well he wanted more kissing but that's a no-go). Kalon is a piss ant, moaning about Emily having a cold with a kid waiting around for her. Tensions really rise when it's discovered that Kalon says "Emily has a lot of baggage" means Ricki. Doug, being a single father, knows how low a blow this is so he rolls up his sleeves and confronts Kalon. Kalon won't retract the statement and everyone is just like daaaaaamn douche. Doug tells Emily what Kalon said to make sure an asshole like Kalon doesn't stick around. Emily is pissed, visibility holding back her anger, and declares that she wants "to go West Virginia hoodrat, back woods on his ass." Y-E-S. Emily and Doug meet up with the group to confront Kalon. Kalon tries to cover his ass and Emily can't believe anyone would call her heart and soul "baggage." She tells Kalon to "get the fuck out" and when he tries to defend himself, she points out his mom was a single mother as well and therefore in the same boat as her. She's over it and really upset the guys didn't come to her with the information sooner; they wanted Emily to sort out her feelings herself. No one gets a rose, the guys regret keeping secrets, and Kalon will need to see if his private helicopter will cross the transatlantic for him.

For their one-on-one day, Emily and Jef have a traditional afternoon tea with an etiquette lesson. I know many would hate a date like this but I kinda would love it. I've always wanted to have high tea and etiquette is important to know. PLUS, it's like re-enacting that A League of the Own scene. But in terms of finally having alone time together, etiquette lady is a total cockblock for Jef. Emily and Jef (fake) dine and dash while etiquette lady hits the loo; they head right to a booth at a pub for some beer. Jef wants Emily to know he has her back and that he was the one sitting with Kalon at the time and stood up for her. Jef says if Ricki is baggage that she's "a Chloe handbag I'd like to have forever." OH SWEET JESUS. Emily eats it up. After day drinking, they have a long, slow romantic dessert and champs on a car on the London Eye (that big ferris wheel looking thing that is not some fun carnival ride). Discussion turns to the Kalon debacle again and Jef is happy she got all pissy at Kalon, but he also feels like he could tell Emily anything. Jef basically says all the right things, wants to be BFFs and lovers ("That's what I always say too!" - Michael Bolton). Emily gives Jef the rose and as soon as Jef decides a first kissing above London would be great, they have to disembark. Wait, they never ate a bite of their dessert at all. WTF? Not cool. So standing on the waterfront, cuddling, they kiss and it's sweet and there isn't a gross tongue shot like Arie or Sean. Jef is probably my favorite but I wish he'd fix that fucking Dylan McKay hair.

The cocktail party stars with Emily having alone time with a couple guys to express her disappointment that each guy didn't tell her about Heli-Kalon. Even her beloved Arie is like shit, I messed up. Ryan sends Emily up a flight of stairs to recite more Shakespeare and now Emily likes him, despite his prior chauvistic ways. They nasty tongue kiss, this time from Emily's angle. Bleckh! Sean re-assures her that there are good guys still here and she lets us know that Sean gives her butterflies in her heart.

Chris Harrison clinks the champagne glass to kick of the rose ceremony and gives a speech with his usual hand motions (I have to mention this every week. It is my platform). Only one guy is going home this week and considering everyone has had air time except for one, it's definitely the least dramatic rose ceremony ever (especially when you put Arie in the bottom two- YEAH RIGHT). Alejandro is eliminated, of course.

Next week: someone else isn't there for the right reasons and Emily's fucking over it.

June 5, 2012

The Bachelorette: Boats and Bros

The Bachelorette - Week 4
 
Remember when the show uprooted its Los Angeles location to instead shoot in North Carolina to let Emily maintain a steady home with her daughter? Fuck it.  Grab the kid, grab your mom, grab the dudes - we're traveling the world.  First stop: Bermuda.

Emily and Ricki frolick on the beach. The guys arrive driving like douchey frat guys that rented mopeds on spring break.  Why none of them crashed and burned I don't know and I'm so disappointed.  Well at least one guy will be made a fool of this week because there's the 2-on-1 Thunderdome date.

Single dad Doug's date card is told to "let our senses lead the way" and while some people think sexy senses, I'm thinking nasty smelling stuff.  Before the date, Doug gets crazy neurotic that his hours are numbered and gets uber pissed at Arie.  But Emily saves the day and they wander around town tasting chocolate, huffing perfume, looking at stupid souvenirs, and talking about single parent stuff.  Emily finds yet another monument where you make a wish (remember that spa wishing clock?) and she wishes she won't be single forever.  LOL, like this show will help your cause.  At night, in an adorable white dress with a big ol' rhinestone butterfly, Emily and Doug have a private dinner and Doug loves the postcard they wrote together to his son.  Until he has to explain that one day she'll dump him for a racecar driver (c'mon, Arie is winning this shit).  Emily's concern is Doug is too perfect like Brad (again, how the fuck was that dumbass Brad perfect? For real, I mean it).  She grills Brad but when he asks her for flaws back, bitch can't think of any.  SERVED.  Emily gives perfect Doug the rose, but he does not give her a kiss because he can't read signals of awkwardly staring.

The group date guys compete in a sailboat race where the losers will leave and the winners get more Emily time at night.  Good news is that because the guys are too busy competing, none has the chance to be that asshole who does an "I'm the king of the world!" on the bow.  The yellow team wins the race which means Ari, Ryan, Jef (who fucked up his fingers) and Heli-Kalon get more Emily team.  It's all worth it because Charlie cries in the van on the way back to the hotel with his fellow losers.  Emily and her winners-that-are-real-life-losers eat kebabs and get crunk by a pool, led off with a toast by Ryan calling Emily his future possible trophy wife.  Man, this guy is coming off as a he-man womun hater.  Arie gets alone time first and they talk a little before smooching.  BTW, Arie looks like a horrible kisser.  Jef's hair withstood the whipping boat winds but gets a bit tousled from the beach breeze.  He likes Emily but is tired of being group date guy, but he comes from the Doug school of can't read makeout signals.  Heli-Kalon gets about 2 seconds of screentime before dickish Ryan gets his Emily time.  He must be schwasted with the weird ramblings he goes on, but he does say he wasn't pleased catching Emily and Arie kissing in the house pre-rose ceremony.  Emily doesn't like his idiotic poor flirtation tactics, but does apologize for getting caught but thinks the double standard is wrong.  Agreed Emily! Plus you've only kissed like two dudes so far.  Emily also says she can make fun of herself better than anybody and CHALLENGE ACCEPTED EMILY.  Anyways, Jef gets the group date rose.

A dreaded 2-on-1 date card arrives for John (Wolf) and Nate AKA two guys I didn't know existed and uses a Bermuda triangle pun.  Well played, production assistant who writes date cards!  The fellas are brought out to Emily on a yacht for a day of boozing at sea and cliff jumping.  I'm hoping instead of a little boat back the dumpee gets shoved overboard and lost in the Bermuda Triangle, never to be found again.  Ah, a new locale: dinner is in a cavern with stalagmites everywhere, and Emily can't believe Bermuda has all this cool stuff. Ok, stop talking.  I'm a fan of stalagmites and stalactites.  Nate is really excited by quinoa being on the dinner plate and Emily's like oh fuck this is going to be a terribly boring date with two guys I don't like.  Nate knows he is an unknown to Emily and can understand why he's in a 2-on-1 predicament, so spills some deets about his family and stuff before crying.  John is glad he got this date over a group date so either he stands out or he's gone from the pack, but also acknowledges he's not showy like the other guys.  Emily likes that he isn't trying to be in-your-face all the time like some buffoons (RYAN), so she gives John the rose and sends Nate home. 

Bermuda has made the men quite testy, bickering around their suite constantly about age and who gets attention.  Emily rocks a one-shoulder white jumper and I'm wondering if she's got a ponytail piece because it's all too even in the back.  Ryan is extremely confident in his relationship with Emily, but the guys aren't so sure and are tired of his 'tude.  Ryan makes more dickish comments to Emily and like maybe he's meant for a higher purpose and by that he means being the lead of the next Bachelor.  Oh you toolbag.  Ryan insists he's not threatened by Arie, but surely getting alone time interrupted by his rival must hurt.  I don't care though because Ryan's a tool.  Emily gets time in with the other guys including a horrifyingly bad kiss with Sean again.  Chris is all mopey because the guys think him being 25 is too young for the 26 year old Emily, so after talking to Emily he confronts instigator Doug about the matter.  Oh alcohol and cameras make people do the darndest things. 

Chris Harrison has to do a little more work this week with his corny talking session with Emily.  But guess what? He still does the same fucking hand gestures.  It gets interesting when Emily says Ryan isn't fooling her and while he thinks he's master manipulator, she's not dumb.  When Emily was on Brad's season, I found her to be the dull, least interested in wanting to be there woman ever.  This time around, I actually like Emily who seems to have grown a pair and a personality.  Any other season the girl would have someone like Ryan around forever, enchanted by his asshole ways.  Emily isn't dumb or at least won't be persuaded like other former leads.

Emily comes out for her rose ceremony while some fake thunder sound effects get cued up in the background.  I know it's fake because the thunder seems to only roll when a name is called for a rose.  And despite Emily's intelligence of knowing Ryan is trying to be manipulative, she gives him a rose and keeps him around. Uhhh, ok?  Eliminated this week are Charlie and some random guy with long hair named Michael.  Then they manly cry in rain. 

Next week: someone calls Emily's daughter "baggage" and must think she's stupid that she won't mind someone saying something so nasty about her kid. Wrong a-hole.

Bonus pic: