January 8, 2013

The Bachelor: 50 Shades of National Television Embarassment

1/08/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
New Season! The Bachelor - Week 1

It's time for another season of The Bachelor- are you ready for my snark?  Of course you are.  Panning through the field of Emily the Bachelorette's exes, they chose sloppy kissing dullard Sean as their lead.  I know I'm in the minority on this, but I'm not a Sean person; he's just not my type.  Sean was crushed by being dumped by Emily but "God still has another plan for [him]" and that plan was for Sean to date 25 women at once and make-out with as many of them as possible.  Being the lead is exhausting, so Sean takes the time to exercise shirtless to chisel his abs more (so we won't pay attention to his personality).  Sean can't wait to love, protect and honor "his woman" and be that rock (and yes he says this while standing on a rock cause, y'know, deep symbolism).  Sean's hopeful to find the love of his life and propose one time in his life because clearly he's seen how successful this show is...

In his Bachelor prep time (which apparently includes all the mise en place for the strawberries you put in champagne glasses), his buddy from last season Arie makes a surprise visit.  The laugh about elimination HA HA HA the same girl crushed our hearts and talk about the healing process.  Sean practices how he'll say "Will you accept this rose?", role plays dumping a girl, and gets kissing tips from Arie.  Yes, kissing tips because the ladies loved Arie and Sean was a gross tonguey mess.

What kind of nutters will be obsessing over Sean?  Roll the contestant video package!  Vying for that Neil Lane engagement ring is a wedding dress designer, a girl who got her heart broken twice who gets fake excited about Sean, a single mom with two kids, and even some black women because this show will deny that racism lawsuit buuuut yeah, I think they learned.  One woman wants to re-enact 50 Shades of Gray with Sean and I'm wondering if she knows anything of this kind-mannered fella that probably isn't big on S&M.  An adopted girl who bounced through the foster care system is a personal organizer for a living and the first to cry in the interviews.  Oh and a girl with one arm; that's a first!

With a montage of ladies done, accordion-hand host Chris Harrison welcomes Sean on the slicked down driveaway.  A good luck shake of hands and Chris heads inside to get wasted while the limos of future exes of Sean step out of the limos.  Second girl out Jackie plants a big red lipsticked kiss on Sean's cheek and the third girl uses her stuffed bra to wipe off that lipstick.  Ew?  "Cruise ship entertainer" Kelly from Nashville wins the prize for fakest tan (and corniest song).  Bachelor Pad 3 Paige gets another chance to get a rose (and a smaller chance at STDs) by joining the cast of this show.  Best entrance: a girl who falls while doing a back handspring to impress Sean.  Cutest idea: Desiree who suggests tossing coins into the fountain to make a wish.  Craziest broad is substitute teacher Lindsay who shows up in a wedding dress AND kisses Sean.  She is not at all unbalanced.  The surprise of the night is tiny tan brunette Tierra, who shows Sean her unfinished heart tattoo, gets a first impression rose without even entering the house.  The other girls are instantly jealous.  The last limo exit is a surprise: Kacie B, the nice girl from Ben's season, and she wants a second chance.  Maybe they dated before?  I don't know but when Sean says "I wonder what the other girls will think" I think we all know the answer: YOUSKANKASSWHOREWHYAREYOUBACKITSNOTFAIR!!!

Sean is finally able to come into the warmth of the mansion to begin his immersion in the largest polygamist dating setting.  While he gets time alone with each girl, the girls spend their non-Sean time shit-talking each other.  Kacie B and Sean apparently hung out awhile back at some Bachelor cesspool party and hit it off, so she's hoping to explore the chemistry.  Sean chats more with Desiree, the coin toss girl, and she's a wedding dress designer and he likes her and gives her a rose before the ceremony too.  GASP!  Another first impression rose?  Nope, he's handing out Sean-likes-rose-ceremony-be-damned-roses and he starts handing them out throughout the night to the ladies he likes.  This also makes for some fantastic awkward moments where Sean has one-on-one time and doesn't extend a rose, making them sweat it out 'til the ceremony.  Wedding dress girl realizes she might've made a blunder with her awful gag.  Speaking of gags, 50 Shades Ashley P gets super drunk and makes an ass of herself (Sean shows the sign of being kinda funny when he says he brought a rape whistle).  One-armed Sarah fears a life of forever alone-ness but once she has alone time with Sean she, of course, gets a rose.

Chris Harrison clinks his butter knife to a champagne glass to call this cocktail party to an end.  Half the girls are smooth sailing to week two, but the others have to endure the torture of the awkward pause filled rose ceremony.  It's a boring parade of roses to the obvious women, but Sean blows my mind when he does give a rose to the nutjob who showed up in a wedding dress thinking it would be cute.  Sean, you high.  Eliminated night one: some randos, Bachelor Pad 3 Paige, overtan cruise entertainer, black Southern belle model, and that 50 Shades of drunk girl.

This season on The Bachelor: girls being catty, global makeout sessions, and helicopters!!