January 21, 2013

The Bachelor: Sean Holds the Guiness Record for Dullest Bachelor, Too

1/21/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
The Bachelor - Week 3

The first date card arrives for Lesley M, who you may remember as the first recipient of a sloppy Sean tongue kiss.  Lesley leaves her packaged suitcase by the door in a lingering shot of possible foreshadowing.  Sean bring Lesley to the Guiness World Records museum, which is probably the realest date ever because a guy would take you to such a weird place for a first date.  Turns out Sean's dad is a Guiness Record holder for driving through all 48 states in the shortest amount of time.  Not to be overshadowed by dad, Sean has a plan to set his own record: longest [sloppy] on-screen kiss.  The time to beat is 3:15 and my assumption is porn holds this title, or really hope because that's a lot of wasted plot-time.  If watching two people make out on TV for three minutes isn't weird enough, a crowd of creepy gawkers cheers them along.  Even worse are the voiceovers from Sean and Lesley saying it's the best day ever, so full of chemistry- painful.  The two spend the evening sipping champs under the stars on top of the Roosevelt Hotel.    There's some talking and eventually the return of Sean's tongue once Lesley initiates a kiss.  Man he goes sloppy fast.  Lesley receives the rose, and I've been proven wrong by the suitcast shot.

Twelve ladies meet Sean at the beach for a day of hanging out and "throwing the football, the frisbee" while ogling Sean's shirtless bod.  Chris Harrison shows up to ruin the fun (in jeans and a button-up, no less) to force the ladies into a volleyball game.  Both teams should get sent home because they are horrible and it seems like the game takes hours to complete.  But the winning team gets more Sean time, while the losers get shoved in a van back home to cry.  The winning girls get to party at Sean's rented house, where more girls use the line about wanting to marry their best friend and saying they're deep.  Sean lays a huge sloppy kiss on Lindsay AKA that crazy broad who wore a wedding dress night one.  Another smaller batch of kisses to Des, who destroyed fake priceless art last week.  Bitchy Amanda puts on a smile for Sean, but the girls all think she's a creeper that might not be there for the right reasons.  Kacie B decides to take on the strategy that always gets you eliminated: tattling on the girl not there for the right reasons and other girls' drama.  C'mon Kacie, you've been on this show before. You know the buttinsky is never appreciated, proven by Sean getting defensive and questioning why she even cares.  The group date rose goes to Lindsay because Sean enjoyed swapping spit with her, forgetting the fact that her first impression was as a looney girl in a wedding gown.

Sean comes to pick up AshLee, the adopted personal organizer, for their solo date and instead finds a quiet Tierra sitting on the stairs.  Minutes later there was a plopping noise of her falling down the staircase, which made me chuckle.  Sean worries it's a concussion so calls an ambulance and the EMTs maaaaybe overreact by putting her in a neckbrace and on a stretcher.  Tierra shares my sentiments and whines about it being unnecessary, while the house whines she's a faker to do anything for Sean's attention.  Dramaz.

Eventually AshLee and Sean head off on their one-on-one date for a day at Six Flags Magic Mountain.  The whole park is shut down for them (no lines!!) but a charitable Sean invites two sick girls who bonded online and are meeting for the first time in person. Online friends meeting for the first time?  CATFISH.  It's a true honest, actually sweet moment of this show and surely making their day.  Sean is really impressed with AshLee's compassion and bond with the girls.  The "best day ever" ends with a private concert by Sean's alleged favorite band, the Eli Young Band.  How come the lead always likes shitty country?  The girls leave and Sean gets some alone time with AshLee to talk about family, marriage, adoption, etc.  AshLee's openness and honesty earns her a rose from Sean.

The cocktail party after what seems like the longest episode ever begins.  Sean wants one-armed Sarah to know he doesn't forget about her and brings her a surprise: her adorable French Bulldog.  Sean gives Tierra some reassurance to be patient for time together, then she gets pissy when Des interrupts their time, so she interrupts Des back.  No one appreciates Tierra stealing more time, so then Lesley M interrupts, who is interrupted by another, then another.  Every wants a shot at the sloppy tongue.  Kacie B apologizes for being that nosy girl who gets into other people's drama and then blabs about it... until AshLee and Selma interrupt.    So many interruptions how will we ever figure out who is going home?!

Oh yeah, the rose ceremony.  Sean is of course more confident now that he'll find the person to spend the rest of his life (or eight months) with.  Before Sean hands out his first rose, he pulls Kacie B outside to dump her and save her the torture of a rose ceremony. Friend zoned and maybe even too early for us to care about her potentially becoming The Bachelorette.  Sean returns to the ceremony and explains to the ladies that Kacie has gone home cause he dumped her so nicely outside.  Left roseless this week is Kristy the model (but hey, you got that Harlequin cover deal!) and health club manager Taryn. 

Next week: Sean tastes the chocolate.  Tierra throws more tantrums.


Anonymous said...

Omg Sooo hilarious!!!! I Laughed my ass off!!! Can't wait for next weeks summary!!! :D