January 14, 2013

The Bachelor: Tacky Hos Are a Dime a Dozen

1/14/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 2

As Sean shirtless exercises to the desire to find a fiance, Chris Harrison brings the first date card to the mansion.  The first solo date of the season goes to Sarah, the one-armed girl, and it's the first helicopter date of the season!!  H.R.E.A.M., y'all!!!  The helicopter lands on the roof of a skyscraper for their extreme date of freefalling off the building.  Listen I'm trying to avoid comments about the one arm but this show is making it hard.  The two hold hands and fly down the side of the building towards their doom, but thankfully they don't die and instead enjoy champagne while picking their massive wedgies.  Night falls and they share a romantic rooftop hotel dinner and drinks and this date has every showate cliche shoved into one experience.  It becomes clear why Sarah got picked by producers (I mean Sean) for the extreme date, as she tried to zipline as a kid and they said no because of her arm.  Sarah gets the rose and a close mouthed kiss from Sean (a relief to me).  Already Sarah is falling in love with Sean and I'm rolling my eyes.

Date card #2 is for a big ol' group date to "capture the romance."  In Bachelor world that means a sexy photoshoot for Harlequin romance novel covers with Sean.  If you're not here for the right reasons this is a great date for you because the girl with the best chemistry will be on three actual covers sold at your local supermarket.  Hello, lame attempts at fame!  The girls pose with Sean in various corny themes like cowgirls, vampires, sexy, and historical.  I have never hated reading so much in my life.  Everyone gets jealous when Sean and Lesley M. have a quick photographer encouraged kiss.  Tierra the season bitch makes sure to get a kiss in so the house can continue to have more reasons to hate her.  Professional model Kristy wins the three book cover deal for getting handsy and domineering with Sean, so at least when she gets dumped she'll have won something.

The girls trade in their low-rent costumes for their low-rent cocktail dresses for a poolside party (not on a rooftop).  I'm wondering if they hijacked this house as the rooms seem to have no lighting whatsoever.  Sean and Lesley avoid kissing thanks to non sequiturs, so Lesley interrupts a different girl's alone time to get that kiss.  And yes I saw a little of Sean's tongue.  Sean comes to grips with moving returning castmember Kacie B out of the friendzone; she drunk cackles about dreams of roses to come.  Other discoveries: Catherine is a vegan who likes the beef (the beef being Sean's muscles), Selma likes the way Sean says "mah wife," and Tierra is mopey.  Sean senses her bad mood and pulls her aside to chat, which is the usual "I'm not used to dating a guy with 25 other girlfriends."  Frizzy haired Katie isn't feeling the experience and setting of competing to date a guy, so she leaves and Sean obliges. 'Cause she woulda got cut anyways.  The group date rose goes to Kacie B for taking a chance and following Sean out to the show.  Tierra pouts.

The final date card, written in the handwriting of a 19 year old college girl, goes to Desiree.  Chris Harrison and Sean are quite the pranksters and set Des up to take the fall for destroying a piece of (fake) expensive art at a (fake) gallery. Mental anguish, LOL!  The producers fake pull Sean away and him and Chris Harrison sneak into another room to laugh at her misfortune.  Sean lets it last for barely a minute before interrupting and ending the joke.  Thank god because it's unbearably unfunny.  They ditch the fake art show to have dinner and drinks at Sean's rental house.  They talk about how wonderfully in love their parents still are, the desire to have a best friend, and then get into the swimmies to sip champs and have corny love talk in the hot tub.  Within one day Des has apparently seen every side to Sean, which proves how little depth he has, and gives her a rose.  Then they makeout in the pool cause they're feelin' each other... literally.

Sean arrives the mansion for the cocktail party and desperate attempts for a rose of acceptance.  Crazy wedding dress girl apologizes for being a drunk dork the first night and the mutual need to marry their best friend.  Drink whenever someone talks about wanting to marry their best friend!  Robyn, a black girl, is really wondering what Sean's type is because no one knows if he's actually attracted to black women or if the show is just trying to make good from that lawsuit.  Sean says he honestly doesn't have a physical type and moreso a personality; he's dated Persian, Hispanic, and Black.  He even learns a little bit of Arabic from Selma.  Sean is just a melting pot of culture!  But the positivity of the night is brought down by a dark cloud of moping by the name of Amanda.  And when Sean grabs her she is pure smiles and phony as can be.  Guys she's not here for the right reasons!

The champagne glass is clinked and the time has come for the rose ceremony.  Only two ladies will get dumped tonight, but Sean is sure his wife is here.  Sourpuss Amanda gets the last rose of the night (likely from a producer nudge), surprising all.  Leaving the mansion is Brooke (leaving two black women in the house) and single mom Diana.

Next week on The Bachelor: longest onscreen kiss world record attempt!  Look out for Sean's tongue!