February 5, 2013

The Bachelor: Hypothermia for Roses

2/05/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 5: Part 2

Another night of The Bachelor. Lord give me strength.  Tonight: Lake Louise in Alberta, Canada. I hope a bear eats someone.

The first one-on-one date goes to Catherine, who Sean's been smitten with yet it's taken this long to get them alone.  The two put on snowsuits meant for children and drive to a glacier in some snow bus (think Canadian duck tour).  Despite being in the midst of blizzardy weather, neither choose to wear a hat and instead sled, frolick in the snow, sip hot chocolate and have a good ol' time. The nighttime portion of the date begins with a horse and carriage ride because romance always begins with horse farts.  But the dinner, it's something special: an ice castle built just for them.  It's pretty gorgeous and more romantic than a rooftop pool party.  Catherine really opens up, baring her soul when she tells about a childhood tragedy, which explains her outlook of living each day in the moment.  Sean gives Catherine the rose and they smooch under the pelt of a dead animal.

Sean hopes this group date isn't full of drama but seeing as Tierra is there, you know that ain't happening. Plus last week's mercy rose recipient, Daniella, is totally bummed she's still on group dates and not getting a solo date.  First stop: canoeing to their destination, which gives more time for Sarah to remind us that canoeing will be difficult for her because she has one arm (in case you didn't know).  The canoes bring them to a deserted beach without any hottubs or champagne. NOOOOO.  Sean's surprise is for him and his ladies to get into the swimsuits in the cold and do a Polar Bear Plunge.  It's not required but Sean hopes they all participate because YOLO!!!  An EMT and lifeguard explain the water is just above freezing so hypothermia is possible.  No girl seems to want to do it, but if Sean tells you to jump into likely hypothermia you do it.  Selma wisely says no, but the other girls still do it to impress Sean.  Screams and giggles abound, the group takes the cold plunge and darts back to their robes to cry tears of joy.

And then the drama comes.  Tierra can't breathe, is kinda blue, and shivering to a point of hard shaking, so the EMT and lifeguard carry her away quickly to rush her to the medic.  They wrap her in blankets, coats, and fur, wheeling her into the hotel like a furry little ET.  The girls still in the hotel (Catherine and Des) see all this from the balcony and rush down to see who it is and comfort her... even if it's Tierra.  All the other girls return to the hotel cheering and smiling, vowing to Polar Bear Plunge around the world.  And then they accuse Tierra of faking it.  Sean visits a laid-up Tierra, who is laying in a hotel bed in a robe, covered in sheets, and with one of those nasal oxygen things from surgery.  I don't think she faked the hypothermia but I do think she knows how to use a ridiculous situation to get closer to Sean.  Sean gives her a kiss, even with the oxygen, and leaves her to rest, hoping she'll stay in bed to heal up.  That ain't happenin'.

Sean and the group date girls head to their usual post-ridic date cocktail party.  Lesley "loves love" and is glad to be embarking on these feelings again... and they makeout.  One-armed Sarah shows pics of her family, including her former prosthesis.  The night is going well but so drama free... enter Tierra.  Yup, hypothermia be damned!  Tierra gets glammed up and heads to the party, baffling all in attendance.  Sean's just like "look who it is!" and brings her for immediate alone time.  Oh good lord.  But their time is short because Lindsay steals him away to makeout more.  Sean gives the rose to Lesley for being cool and not a crazy person.

After the group date and the family photos, Sean's feeling the guilt trip.  Sarah is so eager to introduce Sean to her family, but he's very sure there won't be a forever with her.  He comes to the women's hotel room and asks to take her aside.  Sean feels like he's been trying to force a relationship with her and even their earlier kiss was reaching.  He wanted it to work badly but it's not happening.   He's dumping her now to spare her having to wait for the rose ceremony.  She says it's totally OK, as she holds back the tears.  Then she gets the pleasure of going back to the room full of girls and saying she got dumped, as opposed to the normal rose ceremony break-up.  Nice work, Sean!

Desiree (Des) gets the other one-on-one date, her second, and hopefully it doesn't include more shittily planned pranks.  They hike through Banff National Park and take in the view before rappelling down the mountain for a picnic.  They kiss periodically and make weighty metaphors about rapelling being like a relationship. Blah, blah.  Sean uses their picnic time to re-assure her of his feelings, since she had some previous hesitation.  Then they climb into a tree to kiss up there and disturb nature.  Their nighttime excursion is a making out in a teepee full of dream catches, animal pelts, and Sean wearings his ugliest sweater (perhaps to ward off spirits).  Whether the show is serving up a cruel dish of irony, turns out Des and her family lived in a tent for a few months while poor.  No duh, Des gets the rose.

The cocktail party/rose ceremony commences and the topic of discussion is, of course, Tierra needs to go.  Selma, who doesn't kiss on TV, gives Sean a small kiss to show she likes him, since she declined to go the hypothermia route.  Lindsay admits to sleeping naked and breaks her rule of not swapping spit with Sean.  AshLee blabs about the polar bear plunge being a large metaphor to life, because everyone on this show loves a deep metaphor.  And then Sean kisses her blindfolded after whisking her away like 50 feet as a measure of trust.  This brings AshLee to tears and I too cried, on the inside, for watching this.  And so when the Rose Ceremony comes around, not a single person is surprised when Daniella is eliminated since she never got a solo date and got a mercy rose last week.  Where the surprise does indeed come from is that two girls gotta go and following Daniella out the door is Selma, not Tierra.  But she even kissed you despite it not being OK.  Well, now it gives me a reason to use this screencap of Selma's eerie early episode laugh instead of her getting dumped.

Next week: fighting about Tierra in St. Croix.

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