February 21, 2013

Reality Rundown: Survivor Is No Place For Tight Pants

New! The Amazing Race 22 - I realized maybe I should number these seasons because there's so damn many and no cool subtitle like Survivor.  Who will be running the race this season? A married couple with a mulleted husband, professional hockey player brothers, twin OBGYNs, roller derby moms, newlyweds (three weeks), father/son cancer survivors, YouTube hosts, firefighters best friends, regular best friends, country singers, and the standard dating couple.  The eleven teams meet up with Phil Keoghan (who I think is not a robot, but a cylon) so begin the journey around the world.  This season's twist is the winner of the first leg wins an Express Pass and a bonus Express Pass to give to another team.  The teams get the go-ahead and race to their bags and product placement Ford cars for their clue.

First stop: Bora Bora.  Five teams are able to get on flight #1, which arrives one hour before the rest of the pack.  While waiting for the connecting flight, the first flight group make a pact that the first place teams gives the Express Pass to the second place team to alleviate the stress and fights that could come.  Off the plane, teams embark upon their first Road Block: skydive out of a helicopter (HREAM!).  You know I love me a helicopter, and this is a pretty awesome task to begin the race with and an insanely gorgeous view.  This Road Block is followed up by another Road Block: digging out sandcastles to find a clue, but having to rebuild the castle if it's an empty spot.  With the heat bearing down on them and the sand needing to be rewet for a proper sandcastle, the task is more demanding than anticipated.

Jessica and John find the sandcastle clue first, which tells them to assemble a via (canoe) to paddle to the Pit Stop.  Jessica and John, the dating couple, win the first leg and the Expresses Passes.  Will they keep their word to give the extra to team #2?  Not necessarily.  Team #2 are the hockey player brothers, who weren't part of the original alliance.  The father/son check in third, but second from the alliance, so they hope to get the Express Pass they were promised.  Eight teams are checked in, but three are struggling.  The newlyweds recommend all three teams quitting at the same time, taking the four hour penalty, and using the canoe race/race to the mat as the decider of who gets eliminated.  So a bunch of quitter losers head to their lame battle and the overconfident firefighters, who were sure they'd dominate the canoe, are the first team eliminated.

Survivor: Caramoan - Brandon is shocked, nay appalled, that nice Francesca was voted off first for a second time.  He doesn't like that Dawn and Cochran flipped to the other side to eliminate her and gets pissy.  Dawn doesn't like the confrontation and cries alone in the sand.  Brandon isn't crying and inside riled up feeling "revengeful," threatening to go Russell Hantz on the camp and play dirtyyyyyyy to the coooooore.  Until the next morning and he changes his mind and reverts back to being nice.  Brandon would like there to be more transparency in votes so there's no blindsides, so he talks to nutjob Philip who can't say "narcissistic" and basically reiterates Brandon is not to be trusted and will go soon.  Time for Brandon to step up his game before a turd like Philip takes him out.  Also, Philip thinks he's hot shit with his stupid Stealth R Us which breaks the Survivor fourth wall of speaking to the camera in normal time.  But everyone is laughing about it on the side.

The tribes meet for the Immunity Challenge and there's a little laughter amongst the true fans that know Francesca got got twice.  This week's challenge is to pull a raft of tribe members to a platform, then dive under the platform to retrieve rings from the water which are then used in a ring toss.  Last week bean bag toss, this week ring toss.  As my pal Phil said, "Next 12 weeks? PUZZLES."  It's so true.  In addition to immunity, a hefty fishing kit is the reward to the victorious tribe.  The fans are absolutely terrible at releasing the rings underwater, falling way behind the favorites.  The favorites take an early lead but struggle on their third ring toss, which gives the fans some catch-up time.  But ultimately the favorites win immunity, thanks to the ring toss skillz of Malcolm and Philip.  He might be a lunatic, but the man can toss a ring.

Shamar seems the likely candidate for Gota's elimination at Tribal Council.  He's lazy at camp, napping and doing nothing, and when he does do something it's pick fights.  Laziness or not, this is a numbers game and Shamar gets pulled into an alliance of six vs. the lunch table crew (or as I called them, the douchers).  Coming back from the challenge, the tribe is in disarray which leads to Reynold getting pissy at Shamar.  Shamar sees it as a distraction and blame tactic.  Bearded Matt and Michael could possibly swing to the douchers alliance and take out Shamar, but are pondering their options.  Matt suggests to Sherri that maybe they get rid of Shamar just to appease the tribe and still keep the numbers in a 5-4 advantage.  The six decide their votes will go towards Allie.  Reynold, meanwhile, starts scavenging the island for a possible hidden immunity idol and yet again, it's easily found in a tree hole. AGAIN.  Reynold is psyched and stashes that bad boy away, except Laura notices an unusual bulge in Reynold's pocket right before heading to Tribal Council and there isn't time to tell anyone.

The fans get their first welcome to Tribal Council with the ceremonial torch lighting because fire represents your life!  God I love that.  The lunch table crew talk about the instant friendship bond, and some pretend not to care about the foursome while others silently acknowledge it's dangerous.  Shamar attempts to justify his laziness, while also blaming the lack of leadership on the challenge loss.  Reynold gives another Shamar rant, pointing out Shamar sat in the shelter the day before for 19 hours, and Shamar doesn't deny.  A big bomb is dropped when Laura decides to announce that someone had a bulge in their pants before Tribal.  She won't name who but stares at Reynold, so Probst points this out to the tribe.  Reynold comes clean that it is and immunity idol and his pants are too tight.  And then he's like oh I wanted to keep this for the merge to take out the favorites, way to go guys.  Reynold does not play the immunity idol and keeps it in his tight pants for the cool boner effect.  The votes are read and Allie, member of the foursome, is eliminated from the game.