February 4, 2013

The Bachelor: A Tierra-ble Setup

2/04/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 5: Part 1

The skanky mansion is being abandoned for globetrotting!  To Montana? Whaaaaat?  Aw man.  At least there's a 2-on-1 Thunderdome date awaiting them.

Lindsay the former crazy bride who is constantly sucking face with Sean receives the one-on-one date of the week.  It's a helicopter date!!!!!  They soar above Glacier National Park, which is pretty gorgeous, and have a hilltop picnic where they just makeout a bunch more.  They literally have a three minute daytime date before skipping ahead to sipping wine by a fireplace.  Lindsay's military upbringing reveals a lot about her desire to settle down. And then they makeout more.  Lindsay gets the rose and then Sean takes her downtown for a private concert by Sara Darling (who?) in front of the town of Whitefish and of course they makeout in front of everyone.  Ugh, get a fantasy suite.

Sean brings his group date to the outdoors to bask in nature.  And by that I mean a relay race involving milking goats, sawin' logs, bucking hay, racing canoes, and chugging goat's milk. Again: milking goats.  And everyone is game with drinking the milk as long as they can spend time with Sean.  The race is so boring until everyone is cheering each other on tugging on goat teets.  The red team wins (Des, Selma, Sarah, and Robyn), so the four girls on the blue team get shipped back to the hotel.  The thing is Sean doesn't like the fact that he can't spend time with girls just because they can't fondle a goat.  So Chris Harrison brings a date card to the blue team for them to join the hotel cocktail party with the red team.  The red team cries unfair, especially Des and her belly of goat milk.

Now of course Tierra can't spend a moment not being the center of attention, so she leaves the house and follows the blue team to the hotel bar.  Tierra is just fuming that Sean dare brings her on the 2-on-1 date.  She "surprises" Sean is a contrived, set-up moment by production by following everyone to the bar.  They talk outside about her being pissy about being put on a 2-on-1, a brilliant move by production to drive her insane.  Sean of course never seems to chastise her immature behavior and instead kisses her goodbye.

Sean returns back to the group date, not mentioning that he just smooched Tierra outside.  The girls get the claws out to interrupt each other and get their Sean time.  Because he's so interesting.  At least kissing far less sloppy than the prior weeks- thank god!  Daniella cries because despite getting re-invited back she's getting the shaft by Sean who is more interested in other girls.  Sean soothes her nerves and then she goes in for the kill and, ugh, sloppy tongue is back.  I spoke too soon.  Sean gives the group date rose to Daniella because nothing impresses Sean more than a sloppy kiss.

The 2-on-1 Thunderdome dame is between crazy Tierra and hardly-any-screentime Jackie.  I wonder who will get the rose?  EYEROLL.  Tierra cackles about her "advantage" of production sneaking her out to set-up that meeting.  Ugh, go away.  The date is horseback riding and even Jackie's horse doesn't want her involved in this date, keeping her in the back.  Once given alone time, Jackie does her due diligence of tattling on Tierra, explaining Tierra flirted with some rando at the airport.  Sean brings the girls to a romantic cabin dinner that is of course super awkward since one is getting dumped soon.  Tierra talks more to Sean about her big heart and previous heartbreak of a dead ex.  Sean claims he's torn but c'mon, everyone knows what'll happen: Tierra gets the rose, even if she is overdramatic.  As Jackie sobs in a limo, Sean and Tierra cozy up fireside to a private fireworks show.

Going into the rose ceremony, no one is pleased that Tierra got the rose on last night's date.  But everyone will grin and bear it if they can smooch Sean.  At least Des seems have a brain, noticing that Sean gives out mercy roses to anyone having a bad week.  Sean's taken aback when Des expresses her concerns about his unpredictable nature and where they stand.  The girls mourn Jackie, which sends Tierra clomping out of the room to sit alone, hoping Sean will come comfort her.  Robyn is too tired of this shit and utters the best line of the night: "I'm so sick of her I will make this The Bad Girls Club." Y-E-S.  Everyone feels like Tierra turns it on for the camera or when Sean's around, and it's not honest.  Tierra says she doesn't care what people say and won't take people threatening her.  Sean finally gets a glimpse of a pissy Tierra, but he's still like is she evil like they said or just misunderstood?  Which answer do you think Tierra gives?  Yup, no one gives her credit for being a nice girl!

Sean gets some more info from the girls about Tierra, specifically that she doesn't really have relationships with people in the house.  For the first time this season we get a Sean and Chris Harrison private chat, giving us some glorious time with the harmonica hands.  Sean wants to believe the best in Tierra, but hearing "she's not hear for the right reasons" is really hitting him.  He doesn't want to be naive and played, but needs evidence.  Tierra has a rose already so tough shizz, she's still here.  At the rose ceremony, Sean eliminates Robyn because he already tasted the chocolate last week.

Next time on The Bachelor: Tierra still sucks.