March 28, 2013

Reality Rundown: Enjoy Your Diarrheafest

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The race begins by apologizing to Vietnam veteran families for maybe offending them last week at a B-52 bombing site.  With that sorry out of the way, the teams fly on the same flight to Maun, Botswana and then take charter flights to the Makgadikgani Pans National Park (had to pause to type that one).   Then, because we haven't seen enough transportation, the teams have to drive to their next clue.

The first clue is a Roadblock to dig for scorpions with a group of bushmen.  The bushmen rush up a tree when they see a lions, leaving Caroline the country singer on the ground for lunch.  The challenge isn't that hard considering the bushmen do most of the work, like putting it to sleep in their mouth (YEAH), and the racers just have to hold it for a hot second before it goes in a jar.  The bushmen aren't done yet and get to ride along to the next clue- roadtrip!  The clue is a Detour to make fire using sticks, grass, and zebra poop or set a trap that would catch a guinea foul but instead they have to impersonate a foul to set the trap.  The bushmen are good teachers, but building a fire is pretty tricky since it requires a bit of finesse and perseverance.  Which a lot of teams don't have and they switch to the fowl half of the Detour.  The bottom of the pack (Pam/Winnie, Chuck/Wynona) immediately choose to set up the trap and let's be honest, no one is surprised the rednecks picked this challenge

The hockey players Bates and Anthony check in as team #1 and they win a trip to Phuket, Thailand.  I'm sure they'll try to bring the country singers with them since this show is trying so hard to make us care about this maybe showmance.  News alert: no one cares.  The choice to set the traps first and not try to make fire gets Pam/Winnie and Chuck/Wynona in the 2 and 3 spot, which is pretty great considering they were looking like bottom contenders.  The derby moms and Max/Katie have a foot race to get to the Pit Stop, but it's Max and Katie that are last to check in.  The good news for them is it's a non-elimination leg which is no surprise at all. Yawn.

Survivor: Caramoan -  Tree mail says this next challenge will have the strong carry the
weak, so Bikal is shit out of luck.  But of course Phillip claims to be physical perfection, proving his strength by arm wrestling Cochran.  Yeah, point proven.  The reward challenge is to clip all team members together with belts and carrying 20lb sandbags, running around the ocean trying to catch the other team. Both tribes start slow, but begin to hustle.  Phillip complains about how he can't run, claiming the weight will take him down.  Slow Dawn makes the choice to drop out, giving her weight to Corinne.  Gota starts to pick up the pace to slaughter the terrible Bikal.  Phillip trips and falls, allowing Gota to easily catch Bikal and achieve inevitable victory.  The reward is a trip to the Survivor coffee bar complete with coffee, cookies, croissants and brownies AKA a sugar high and a case of the runs (and some tribal bonding).

At the Bikal beach, Corinne and Phillip at on each other's wits' ends.  Corinne wants to keep Michael, who's a decent player, while Phillip wants to keep Julia (who Cochran compares to the most boring vanilla flavor ever).  Julia listens but also knows Phillip is a plague that ruins the tribe and getting rid of him is smart, so she lets Dawn know all about her talk.  Dawn promises to keep this a secret, then runs to tell Phillip (who calls Julia's mistake a "foo pas."). The bros of Gota, Malcolm and Reynold head into the ocean for a chat because the strong guys will be the first to target.  Reynold opens up and tells Malcolm he has the idol, which solidifies his loyalty in Malcolm's eyes (Malcolm's idol: still secret). 

This week's immunity challenge is another "WTF, how do I summarize this one?"  So sorta like, three tribe members have to retrieve a statue from the ocean via boat, and that statue will eventually be lifted after a game of ring toss grapple to retrieve keys.  Oh yay, carnival games return.  Also, is someone's credit on this show locksmith?  Phillip does a good job helping his tribe catch up with his grapple tossing, but we know Reynold has been a season-long master of shitty carnival games.  Gota wins immunity because DUH.

Bikal returns to their camp, sulking again for being losers.  Phillip whispers a confession to Cochran: he didn't want to win the challenge because they had to get rid of a fan.  Oh Phillip.  You are out of your mind.  Phillip can't deal with being the cause of a loss, so he claims he threw it instead.  Cochran loves the delusion, laughing about it in his interviews.  The favorites suggest splitting the votes between Michael and Julia, but Corinne doesn't care for it.  Corinne wants Julia out and knows there's no idol since Malcolm has it; she suggests they band together and vote together to give Michael confidence.  Phillip doesn't like it, surprise, and keeps claiming the Boston Rob (called "B.R." by Phillip) knowledge is telling him to get rid of Michael to weaken Corinne.

Tribal time!  What becomes apparent at Tribal is that Phillip and Corinne butt heads, a lot.  It's about an end goal of sticking together, which they have to keep in mind and tolerate it.  Phillip admits he lost the challenge for the tribe, but doesn't admit his alleged throwing.  Michael becomes a topic of discussion because he could be perceived as a target just because Corinne wants to be his friend.  Julia talks about something too but she's such a nonentity that I don't even rewind to catch what she said.  The votes are split into a 3/3 tie for Michael and Julia, forcing a re-vote.  Forgettable Julia is eliminated with a goodbye bow.

March 21, 2013

Reality Rundown: Splash is a Flop

The Amazing RaceSpecial One-Off! Splash
Survivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The teams all make their way to Hanoi, Vietnam and to no surprise there's an equalizer to balance everyone out, not to mention a warning that a U-Turn is head. Everyone is shocked that frontrunners Jessica and John were eliminated, especially their alliance mates the derby moms and the YouTubers. Dave and Connor seek medical advice during the wait time and agree to drop out of the race this leg. Turns out running the world on a torn Achilles is a bad idea. Who knew?

The remaining teams first have to complete a Roadblock to listen/watch a patriotic Vietanemese song performance that praises communism, then find a quote from the end of the number on paper. The teams then perform a bamboo dance which means hopping off candy-painted sticks for their next clue. It takes the rednecks multiple tries because they pay attention to nothing, ever. The clue is a Detour to retrieve ingredients and prepare pho or set up human chess pieces. The chess is a treat because it's a bunch of annoying American dragging these poor costumed Vietnamese people around. The pho task becomes tricky due to language barriers, but the stupid rednecks Check and Wynona continue to be idiots by not reading the clue telling them to carry a basket of chickens. Best friends Pam and Winnie U-Turn the YouTubers Meghan and Joey, who in turn U-Turn Chuck and Wynona to stand a chance in the race. Chuck and Wynona are the last team to check in but since Connor/Dave quit, they get to stay in the race one more leg thus making these U-Turns pretty pointless except maybe to stir up drama.

Special One-Off! Splash - You likely don't know this, but growing up I was a diver. From nine to fifteen nearly daily I'd go to the pool and train, but I quit because I couldn't do a front flip. Deal with it. Well this means I can speak to ABC's Splash with a moderate level of authority cause I've done it. Now you may be confused thinking you already saw this show with Real Housewives' star Kim Richards doing a pencil dive (that's a jump), but alas Fox just tried to jump in early. Splash is here now, after totally bombing in the UK, and we've got "celebrities" to participate.

The series kicks off with an elaborate number of synchronized swimmers, flips off the platform, break dancers, and the blaring of Pitbull. The show's host? Some chick Carissa Thompson and JOEY "Whoa" LAWRENCE. There are ten celebrities, but only five will compete on night one. Mentoring the "stars" is Olympic legend Greg Louganis who will make divers out of these belly flopping, well, flops. The judges are America's first gold model diver since ol' Greg, David Boudia, and an Australian diver now the US Performance Director Steve Foley. How does the show work? Five divers perform, the bottom two then face off in a head-to-head round and the lowest score is eliminated. It's the two judges scores, plus a crowd vote. No degree of difficulty? Bullshit!

First to dive is Keshia Knight-Pullam AKA Rudy from the Cosby Show. Now if you think this show is taking the diving seriously, I'd say the sequined cut-out swimsuits would disagree. What is this, Circus of the Stars? Anyways, Keshia does a handstand into the water (feet-first, like a jump). Along with her score, Keshia gets a condescending demonstration of a handstand by Davidb. Fat comedian Louis Anderson enters the pool in a big yellow robe, unveiling a shiny black shirt and shorts with yellow/green camoflage. It screams "Watch the fat man splash!" Louis dedicates his dive to the troops, decides to instead dive from 23 feet instead of 16, then proceeds to essentially lean and fall hands above his head into the pool. And yes, he does splash (a lot) and gets a standing ovation from his "celebrity" peers. And for the record, Louis scored better than Keshia which means a belly flop by a fat person with courage is better than a legit dive.

Miss Alabama Catherine Webb is most well known for being ogled on TV by a sports announcer, does a back somersault with a fair amount of splash since she landed like a mess. Extreme skier Rory Bushfield (should I know who he is?) heads all the way up to the 10 meter (33ft) platform and does a back somersault with twists. What the hell?! A legit double somersault with a twist? Well I am shocked and yet David Boudia says next week Rory should do a real dive head first. STFU Boudia. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wraps up the main diving portion in his Lakers colored baggy wetsuit and is the only competitor to use the springboard.  He does a single back flip and lands sloppy like Catherine, but he at least understands why his dive wasn't clean.  And in case we needed another lesson, David Boudia does a backflip. SIT THE HELL DOWN, DAVID BOUDIA.

The judges scores account for half, while the live audience/crowd vote makes up the remaining half.  The two lowest scores are Catherine Webb and Keshia, because a pity party vote for Louis Anderson led to some bullshit.  It's a dive off.  Catherine does a forward dive (aka swan dive) into the pool from 23 ft and it doesn't even look good, but the height alone is apparently what people care about and not the dives.  Keshia does a back somersault, rotating a little in her landing.  Keshia gets eliminated for not going to a higher board, despite having a cleaner dive.  And that is when I officially decided to never watch this again. Diving is not about the height of the board.  It's about crisp, clean divers and talent.  Awarding someone for a sloppy basic front dive just cause they went from a high platform?  A load of crap.  This show sucked, but maybe I was expecting too much.  Who knew that the laughable Stars in Danger: The High Dive would be the more legit competition?

Survivor: Caramoan - The two tribes meet up for their presumed reward challenge and moan about tribal unit the shitty tribe experience Brandon brought upon them.  But are given a bit of a surprise: a paint-filled egg slam tribe switch-up.  The new Gota AKA hot people tribe is Eddie, Reynold, Andrea, Malcolm, Sherri, Erik, and Brenda.  Bikal (or as Jeff called them "Purple") is now Corinne, Phillip, Michael, Matt, Cochran, Julia and Dawn.  It's a new game again and probably most screwed is Corinne, but she was screwed beforehand so whatever.  Both tribes are sent off to bond, each given flint and a new batch of rice in case say some dickhead spilled the entire stash into the sand.

Gota is a stacked tribe of young, good looking, strong people (and Sherri).  Speaking of, Eddie and Reynold throw Sherri under the bus immediately for never aligning with them.  Sherri does the same to the girls of the tribe, explaining Reynold played an idol and is probably hunting for #2.  The favorites love knowing the dissonance between the guys and Sherri and will use that as a split vote advantage should they lose.  Meanwhile at Bikal, a new batch of castaways now have to learn to tolerate Phillip, so best of luck to them.  Corinne would love to align with Michael due to her love for gays, but knows she has to be loyal to Phillip, Dawn, and Cochran.  Phillip tells Corinne how he's got Julia and she can flip to their side, but Corinne wisely explains you don't need someone to flip at this point. 

The newly jumbled tribes head to their first challenge as the new Gota and Bikal.  The challenge is to roll big as crates to put together a staircase that says "Fans vs. Favorites" on the side.  Physically, Gota definitely has the advantage on Bikal, able to flip those crates crazy fast.  Even on the brains side, Gota is killin' it and even almost kills Reynold by knocking him off the structure.  Bikal is sucking big time with no puzzle building logic.  Gota wins immunity while Bikal has barely put together any element of the staircase.

Bikal returns to camp and gets an annoying, preachy, wannabe inspirational Phillip speech.  Corinne would love to flip and get rid of Phillip, but he's loyal and it's a numbers game.  Phillip actually isn't loyal and campaigns to others to vote off Corinne.  No surprise, Phillip makes an offer to bring Matt and Michael into Stealth R Us and give them goofy nickname if they vote the way they're told.  Corinne and Cochran try to see what Matt and Michael are thinking about the vote, and Cochran notices those two have a strong bond. It's narrow down to ginger beard Matt and quiet Julia.

Tribal time!  The fans aren't totally dumb in knowing there's a divide and they'll be picked off.  Corinne maybe blabs a little too much about loving gays and wishing she could dump current alliance members for Matt/Michael.  Always haunting any tribal is the possibility of a hidden immunity idol being player.  Matt insists he doesn't have the idol, which Corinne trusts but also knows it's a game where you need to lie and hide.  Phillip explains it simply: if you have an idol, you better play it or else you might be going home.  Cochran calls the other tribe "The Bold and the Beautiful" and doesn't know if a dork like him would be in with them (aww Cochran, you're a treat).  Matt and Michael both vote for Julia (Julia votes for Dawn), but they're the ones getting hosed: all the favorites vote off Matt sending him off into the jungle.

March 14, 2013

Reality Rundown: Goodbye Rice, Beans, and Brandon

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - When we left off last week, Dave and Connor learned that this leg of the race was not over. Normally this would be gung-ho, except Dave has a torn Achilles and maaaaybe it would be wise to let it heal.  Despite the cliffhanger that maybe Dave really thinks hard, he doesn't an instead they head to the airport to catch a flight to Bali, Indonesia.  There is no elimination this leg and everyone keeps on racing, showing teams over and over going to travel agents to buy tickets. It is boring as hell.

Upon landing in Indonesia, teams head to the best named located ever: Monkey Forest. Can I live there?  To get the next clue they'll have to give a coconut to a monkey and retrieve the clue from inside the torn apart coconut, which is harder than it seems.  I really hope a monkey slaps one of the racers (the country singers, preferably, who had a pet squirrel that died on loneliness).  The damn tourists are distracting the monkeys, giving the racers this annoying sense of entitlement to tell other tourists to be quiet.  The clue is a Detour with a choice of collecting and transporting sand from a river or prepare a religious offering of fruit.  Everyone does the fruit except Mona/Beth, the roller derby moms who seem to always pick the opposite of the group.  John and Jessica go to the wrong address and end up at random dude's house, thinking he is the task since he's got flower petals in his backyard.  It takes some time before another person who speaks English tells them they're in the wrong driveway.  This is amazing.  Them constructing a fruit tower?  Not so much and these dopes switch Detours and head to the sand.

The next clue is found at Uluwata Surf Beach where they encounter a Roadblock to find a surfboard with a picture of the Tahitian priest they met in Bora Bora.  They also have to carry this surfboard to the Pit Stop and if it's wrong, run back and get the right one.  Well I mean we always remember the first Bora Boran priest we met, so finding the surfboard isn't that hard for some teams.  Several teams pick the wrong surfboard, eagerly running up to Phil only to be sent back down the hill and the intimidating staircase.  Other teams just fail at finding Phil and following signs that are essentially saying "Phil Keoghan, this way."  Dave and Connor check in as team #1 again (it pays to sneak a peak at someone else's board) and they win $5,000 each.  That'll cover Dave's surgery!!  After several failed visits, Chuck and Wynona find the right board before Jessica and John.  John won't stop searching, unable to find the right surfboard, a refusal to give-up, and denial that maybe they are last place keeps John looking.  Day turns to pitch black night and he refuses to use the Express Pass, even after an hour and fifteen minutes of looking.  The board is right, the leg is completed, but Jessica and John (who were kinda frontrunners) are eliminated from the race.

Survivor: Caramoan - For this reward challenge, two members of each tribe have to keep a net up by holding the rope as others toss coconuts into the net.  The winning tribe gets a barbeque of sausage, steak, veggies and some wine to sip it all down.  So much food for Brandon to pee on!  Philip uses his time holding the rope of psych out the other teams, razzing them.  Fan Sherri isn't the greatest, so Probst makes sure to announce that "Sherri is worthless."  Brandon is the first to lose grip of the rope, then Matt.  Philip and Michael are battling to hole on as long as possible.  Michael releases the rope and the favorites win again, and they owe that to Phillip.  He might be a lunatic, but he's a strong loon.

The fans commiserate about being total losers and they need a change. The big news is that since Reynold played his idol, it's back in play.  Quick, everyone go shove your hands into random tree holes!  The tribe scatters to find the idol for themselves, hoping anyone but Reynold finds it.  Tough shit because Reynold finds the idol again and decides to keep it quiet this time so he won't be a target (though he tells Eddie).  The rain is taking a toll on Gota, with nasty wet feet, soaking clothes, a fire that's barely hanging on and hiding-in-the-shelter syndrome.

Brandon's having a weird week, feeling selfish about being on the show and asking to quit, then saying no keep me I'm doing this for my family.  He even admits to others that he was going to freak out, burn the shelter, and pee on the beans and rice.  Great things to admit!  Even with a barbeque, Brandon gets all moody again and even more pissed because Phillip takes all the credit for the challenge win.  Brandon tells Phillip his opinions are less input and more of a dictatorship, which turns into a mini argument, the tribe questioning Brandon's stability, and Brandon biting his tongue (for one day before a freakout about creating fire). Phillip and the tribe whisper about possibly throwing the challenge to get rid of this loose cannon, which gets Brandon all pissy when he hears it.  Brandon decides to give a reason to vote him out and dumps out all the rice and beans, shouting "C'mon bitch!" to Phillip.  Brandon is tired of being disrespected and being targeted for no reason, so he wants to take fate into his hands as to why he should be eliminated.  Forfeiting a challenge is the dumbest thing ever, but the favorites wonder if maybe that's what needs to be done.

Immunity challenge!  The fans moan about their terrible life with losing challenges, no food, shitty shelter, fatigue.  Brandon admits to not doing well and his outburst, requesting to speak to the other tribe.  Brandon tells them he's his second chance as he's giving them the night off and don't allow Phillip to make it to the end. Corinne steps up to forfeit the challenge, saying they have respect for the game and want to hash it out a tribal.  Brandon shouts that his tribe doesn't give a shit about the fans, and then goes into a major Phillip rant about how he's a fool, his stupid Stealth R Us nicknames, Boston Rob took him to the end to laugh at him, and the person taking himself out of the game is himself (not the tribe).  "You seem a little hostile," Probst says. DUH JEFF.  Brandon talks about how much his life was impacted by being on the show last time and he promised not to cry this time.  Nope this time he decided to go nutso.  Phillip and Brandon get into a back and forth shouting match.  Probst of course has to bring it to his man-crush on that dick Russell Hantz and is perhaps being an intolerable asshole in his blood?  Oh course Probst goes there.  There's more shouting and quite frankly, this isn't entertaining television.  I know I spent weeks joking about peeing on the rice and how hilarious it would be, but this confrontation is unpleasant and awkward.  An impromptu Tribal Council is held right at the challenge location and Brandon is voted out of the game, but gets a little neck massage from Probst first.

March 11, 2013

The Bachelor: Sean's Abs Pick a Fiance

3/11/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Season Finale

Sean's family gets shipped to Thailand to help cast judgement upon his final two women.  "Emily didn't pick you," says Sean's sassy nephew that I want to be besties with.  First to meet the family is Catherine who is greeted by hugs, smiles and a toast to water. TO WATER? Bor-ing!  Catherine impresses dad by being an athlete and mom finds cuteness is the notes she slipped to Sean.  Dad says if Catherine is picked by Sean not only will Sean be her best friend, but he promises to be her bestie too. Aww.  Lindsay meets the clan the next day and immediately is asked "What have you two done?" and neither answer "suck face around the world" (the truth).  Everyone laughs at her night one entrance as the psycho bride.  Lindsay tells dad how Sean is everything she is looking for and challenges her.  She cites "prayer and communication" as a way to get through the tough times, which opens a big ol' prayer talk before Lindsay asks for Sean's hand in marriage. LOLZ GUYZ. Mom likes that Lindsay and Sean share the same values and Lindsay cries a bunch.  Despite all this family talk and love business, all I can focus on is Sean's refusal to wear shoes.  Seriously, you're outdoor on pavement throw on some Tevas or something, you're gonna get that beautiful rental house floor filthy.  And develop calluses.

Now that the Lowes have met both girls it's time to get judgey.  The verdict is either girl is a winner, but mom isn't huge on him proposing in 48 hours just because he's on a TV show that essentially is forcing him to propose.  Oh mom, didn't you watch the show?  Mom wants to make sure he doesn't rush a big decision and explains she's only got about 20 minutes of perspective. He has like 20 days.  Mom starts crying about it being such a huge decision and can't believe he could make such a choice so soon.  And suddenly in this deep conversation I look down... Sean still isn't wearing shoes!  Why won't he wear a pair of sandals? Sneakers? I'll even take Crocs!  Put on some footwear!

Decked out in a sky blue tank, red shorts, and sneakers (finally some shoes), Sean meets Lindsay and her pink shorts for their last date together.  They are a colorful pair.  The pair explore by sippin' champs on a raft down the brown and murky Mekong River.  Livin', man!  They giggle about the good times and then turn to their usual makeouts in front of these two poor rowers.  Lindsay tells Sean she loves him and he makes the weirdest like ehhh/derp noise in response, which brings me great joy.  That night Sean visits Lindsay for wine, more one-way professions of love, kissing, and to receive his craft project declaration of love that we all look forward to.  Lindsay tells Sean he has everything she every wanted in a husband, but she's still nervous about possibly losing him.  Lindsay's craft project is three wish lanterns for love, happiness, and family which they light and send into the sky.  The wishes float into the sky, there's more kissing, and it's the last memory Sean and Lindsay have together until the final rose ceremony.

Sean tones down his color palette for his date with Catherine, opting for a purple V-neck and black shorts so he can be purple twinsies with her.  It's a dream come true when the date is to ride an elephant and Catherine is the happiest we've seen her yet.  It's a fantastic, scenic, bumpy ride and I'll admit it: I'm jealous.  Catherine has a hard time opening up her full feelings to Sean, knowing he can't reciprocate, but she expresses her feelings in a rambling way.  Saying "I love you" first is something Catherine isn't sure she wants to do, because it's a big risk... but right before he leaves she whispers it to him.  And Sean doesn't give much emotion back, which kills her, and it's an awkward goodbye.  All this stupid talking and the show didn't show us the craft project of love.  I see something in his hand! What is it? Well I'm disappointed.

Sean lotions up and saunters around his rental home shirtless to ponder his final two women.  He sees a future with both women, but there is one woman he can't stand to live without.  So Neil Lane comes to a the tropical country in a full suit (but lets the breeze roll in through an unbuttoned shirt and no tie) with diamonds in hand.  He selects a stunning halo ring and heads inside for one last shirtless shot before throwing on his fancy suit and getting teary eyed.  The women also get some voiceover thinkin' time, just not shirtless. That's indecent!

As we're all getting excited for the proposal, a cold shower is thrown upon us in the form of the live studio audience.  Filling time to make this night drag on forever, Chris Harrison asks this season's rejects who they think Sean will pick. A couple Lindsay, a couple Catherine.  A whole lot of I don't care get to the proposal, amirite?

Sean walks out to his proposal spot, lush with green grass and fuschia flowers by a man-made pool (hey that natural lily pond pool was scummy). A single rose sits upon a table and an anxious Sean stands by to first crush one woman's heart.  Chris Harrison escorts Lindsay in her silver metallic gown down to meet Sean, and she's excited to get engaged.  Aww sweetie, you don't know you're first.  Sean tells Lindsay she was such a surprise and their relationship really grew, and his speech starts verrrrrry proposaly... until the um.  When Sean says it's the toughest thing he's ever had to do, she knows it's over.  Sean gives his schpiel, explaining he does love her but his heart is leading him elsewhere.  Lindsay tries to stay strong, but the tears come. "Was is me?" she cries.  Lindsay is pretty shocked she's not the one and life will have to go on sans-Sean.  She slips off her heels and walks away, Sean following her liked a scolded puppy.  Lindsay leaves, Sean cries, and then Lindsay cries alone in the SUV (not even a limo).  "I don't want to be alone," she moans. Aw, sadness.

Post-dumping, Chris Harrison brings a note to Sean which was written by Catherine.  The letter is Catherine's full profession of love and it makes sense that she'd tell all in a letter since notes are their thing.  "I know neither one of us is perfect, but I truly believe we are perfect for each other" the letter poetically says.  Down to the proposal spot Catherine comes, shimmering in a gold gown.  A gold gown for the winner, silver for the runner-up: JUST SAYING.  Sean tells Catherin she never ceases to amaze him and misses her whenever she is gone.  She is like all nervous, swallowing anxiously with buggy eyes.  Sean gets down on one knee and proposes with that gorgeous halo to a flabbergasted Catherine.  Her heart is racing, out of breath, and so excited.  In between kisses, Sean gives Catherine his final rose and they ride off into the sunset on the back of an elephant.  You think it's me being a smartass but I'm serious, and it's adorable.

The big teaser is there's been some late breaking news regarding Sean and Catherine.  Supposedly it's something that's never happened before on an ATFR.  But Sean says he can't wait to not be in hiding and tonight is the beginning of their lives.  However before basking in joy, he'll have to face a potentially heartbroken Lindsay.  Sean knows it's going to be tough to talk to Lindsay because he still doesn't have a great reason for dumping her, just that he loved Catherine more.

Lindsay comes out on stage and she's doing well, though it's hard to see Sean for the first time since getting dumped.  She wonders what happened, the same question everyone asked.  Sadly for her, Sean doesn't have a good answer for closure except loving someone else more, that Catherine was his perfect fit.  He thinks the world of her (and her of him) and thought they were the perfect fit.  No specifics just don't let Catherine go.  It's pretty boring so Chris Harrison asks Lindsay to recall the days after getting dumped and relive her heartbreak.  If you're playing the After the Final Rose drinking game, the drinking phrase is "What went wrong?"  Sean does say that he knew after the final one-on-one date that was the moment he knew Catherine was the one, not Lindsay.  But hey, faith and prayer helped her get through it.

Chris Harrison boldly declares that America is "celebrating" Sean and Catherine's engagement, so he brings her out on stage to be reunited with Sean.  They gawk at Catherine's sparkly engagement ring which had to be tucked away these last few months in secrecy.  Seeing Sean covered in white snow, forseeing how he might look as an elderly man, is what sold Catherine on Sean.  They are best friends and what they wanted in a partner.  Chris Harrison asks about the letter because for a split second, Sean worried that the letter could've been a change of heart.  That would've been the worst, kinda like having to dump another girl twenty minutes beforehand!!  The couple relives their proposal with Sean crying again and Catherine remembering how shaky she was.  The big news is that when they get married, their wedding will be on TV.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Anyone who lasts on this show gets married on TV.  Chris Harrison acts like this is a huge revelation that they're so ready to get married and have it be filmed for television.  You are a bunch of turds, show, for making us think something interesting would happen.

The show wraps up with the news that Desiree AKA Des is the new Bachelorette, which we all saw coming.  That's only one degree less shocking than the idea that the Bachelor and his woman would get married on TV.  The better news: return of her crazy brother.  See you for the recaps, friends and until then... I'll hold onto this rose.

March 7, 2013

Reality Rundown: Show Me Your Tata

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race 22 - Last week, Dave popped his Achilles tendon while racing to the pit stop.  He needs to seek medical attention and for some reason the show doesn't do this in the 12 hour pit stop and makes them eat into their racing time.  True to their word, Jessica and John their Express Pass to Dave and Connor which helps the disabled team out (but strategically helps because maybe they can beat a strong team).  The doctor confirms Dave's torn Achilles, but because this race is a once in a lifetime opportunity and your health means nothing (ok well they survived cancer, so they're both kickass dudes), Dave makes the choice to keep racing around the world in a boot on crutches. The puns I can make when they get eliminated will be boot-licious!

Teams take what seems like TV travel time forever to Christchurch, New Zealand, with the redneck couple (Chuck/Wynona) falling behind at the Auckland connection.  The teams drive some product placement Fords to the Rakaia River Gorge and grab numbers for their boats the next morning.  The teams camp out until their respective jet boat departures, which essentially equalizes everyone to a certain extent (shocker).  Finally something on this race happens besides airport shenanigans and it's a Detour.  The choice this week is between drive through cones in an allotted time or catch a twelve inch fish.  Dave and Connor are the first team and make the choice for the car, until they find out it's a clutch and the busted foot won't help so they retreat to the fish.  It's a slow task and their patience wears thin so they bust out that Express Pass and move on.  Chuck and Wynona catch two fish after being patient, showing it's not impossible.  The car racing is tricky with the clutch, muddy track, and 83 second time combined limit.

After repeating 150 times the next clue is at Mount Hutt Station, the teams eventually get there though pretty much after getting completely lost and going to actual Mount Hutt instead of the station.  The Roadblock is a Shemozzle race which is an absurd obstacle course with a dog that also requires them to wear a burlap sack.  They trek thru molasses and feathers, collect chicken eggs, slip 'n slide into a manure pond.  It's... ridiculously odd.  And they have to collect a dozen eggs which means running the course several times and enduring the drudge over and over.

Dave and Connor check in as team #1, thanks to the Express Pass, and win a trip to Bangkok (Oriental city!)  The big surprise is this leg isn't over and Phil hands them the next clue.  But the question is, will Dave quit the race and heal or keep running in that boot? To be continued...

Survivor: Caramoan - There's two challenges this week!  First is a reward challenge to transport members from platform to platform, using planks held by other tribemembers as steps.  To win the entire tribe must fit on the top of the platform, huddling together with all the might.  The winning tribe gets a visit from a local bushman to pick his brain and get some grub in the form chicken, fruit and vegetables.  I hope the bushman has advice for tolerating shitty nicknames because the Favorites win yet again.  The best moment is Shamar shouting "That's what we're talking about!" not realizing his tribe lost.

Phillip gives Brandon, Eric, and Brenda all Stealth R Us nicknames (The Conqueror, The Silent One, and Serenity) to bring tribe cohesion to win challenges.  The teeny bushman, Tata, visits camp and teaches them how to cook rice and food inside bamboo which is kinda badass.  Malcolm calls him a "Filipino Gollum" which is amazing.  Filipino Gollum even fixes the shelter to be less shitty and then gets to dance with some favorite ladies.  Tata is a far more interesting person than any person in this season's cast.

Eddie hates his tribe for voting out hot Hope and keeping weak Laura, yet as a reminder there were no Laura votes and rather Shamar votes.  Laura's case isn't helped when she sucks at the reward challenge, but she's in the alliance with numbers and not the two jocks out.  Shamar does what he does best which is just sleep in the shelter all day and demand others bring food to him; this is his demands if they want him to stay in the game for numbers.  A stormy night rolls in with hurricane winds and Shamar's eye gets scratched, so medical comes to check out his eye.  Turns out the scratch is in a bad place and medical recommends pulling Shamar from the game to get it truly evaluated.  Shamar starts to cry (with his eyes shut) and he doesn't want to quit (ehhh), but he wants his vision.  Shamar is medivac'd from the game and we viewers breathe a sigh of relief to not deal with his childish tribe behavior anymore.

Immunity challenge!  The fans are shocked to see that Shamar is gone from Gota.  The latest immunity challenge is to race across floaties to leap and slam tiles to retrieve keys, which opens a chest of bags to throw at wooden blocks.  So yeah, another carnival game toss challenge.  The favorites begin their bag toss first while Laura continues to struggle with the locks for the fans.  Reynold continues his role as go-to for tossing and makes up major time, but it's not enough.  Phillip knocks all the blocks off and wins immunity for the favorites again.  Oh fans... what a bunch of losers.

Gota gives Reynold credit for being great at the challenge and giving them a fighting chance.  Reynold has his idol to play, but Eddie isn't as safe.  Matt, the ginger beard guy, tells Michael it would be a better move to keep the tribe strong and vote off Laura.  There goes the alliance?  Reynold fears Matt is setting him up to con him into not using the idol, but he also wonders if he should be safe and play it, but maybe get hosed a lose it.  Decisions!!  Sherri is concerned about the idea to vote off the weak because that means women and if Laura goes she's probably not far behind.

Torchs in-hand, Gota heads into Tribal Council for another night of fun.  While tension at camp is down without Shamar, he was a strong dude and they could always use that.  Sherri admits she only misses Shamar as being part of the alliance, meaning a number.  Eddie and Reynold try to make their case for strength, while Laura's argument is trust and loyalty to an alliance to get them far.  Sherri points out that even with Reynold and Eddie on the tribe they lose, so why keep them?  Reynold decides to play his immunity idol just in case (don't be a James, amirite?).  Reynold does get a vote, but Laura actually gets the majority and is eliminated from the game.

March 4, 2013

The Bachelor: The Women Bicker More

3/04/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - The Women Tell All

If you're new to my recaps you're going to learn something new this week: I hate the Women Tell All specials (and men's version too).  I hate recapping reunions because it's pointless and boring.  It's another episode devoted to arguing about the season's bully while girls with no screen-time try their hardest to get cast on Bachelor Pad. But I'm loyal for you so let's get this torture over.

Sean and Chris Harrison kick-off the night with a pre-filmed segment of raiding Bachelor fan viewing parties.  Think of it as the lamest panty raid ever.  But Sean comes equipped with roses and stupid deep sayings about the love of fans.  The biggest hoopla is when he intrudes on the Delta Gamma sorority house's weekly viewing party and the girls scream like One Direction came in.  Ummmm I think not.

Chris introduces all the women then plays a season recap clip, which I fast-forwarded through because I've watched this show- dur.  Des didn't know what kind of drama she was getting into, but Lesley M. as a loyal fan expected it.  Of course there really wasn't that much drama except for the monster that is Tierra.  Tierra is being caged backstage before she can come out and deny so more, which allows the women lots of time to bash her behind her back again.  The majority of the girls, and the audience, feel Tierra is a faker and distracted them enough that it impacted their potential dull relationship with Sean.

Tierra is freed from backstage to show us her alleged sparkle once more.  The audience gives her a weak applause, setting up the awkward room right away.  Tierra says she know she'd bring a love/hate because she "lights up a room" with her personality and people judge her for being so beautiful and good.  Ehhhhhhhh.  She believes the first impression rose made her the immediate first target and no one wanted to be her friends (but she didn't want to be their friends either).  Tierra felt bullied and it was a house of mean girls, claiming she never named-names when talking smack.  The crowd is appalled that Tierra is no apologetic for her nasty behavior.  Chris Harrison then opens up the floor for the women to rip into her.  Robyn calls her delusional, Jackie says Tierra is a faker, and Selma said she was rude even Selma encouraged the girls to back away.  And then they babble on more about the stupid St. Croix fight where Tierra claims she was ganged up on and AshLee was a bully.  Ugh, you're both awful.  Eventually she apologizes for being terrible, explains the "sparkle" comes from her child pageant days, and she's engaged.  The moral of the story is even if you're a jerk, just pleasantly say good morning and everyone will at least be slightly happier.

Chris Harrison starts to bring "favorites" up to the hot seat and next up is one-armed Sarah.  She still wonders what changed in his head to dump her (no chemistry, grating voice, meh personality).  Sarah is tired of the "You're great but not for me" and worries that it's the arm.  Des was falling for Sean and thought they were a perfect pair; she just wants to make someone happy.  Her brother regrets being a dick at hometowns and considers that sure it's possible his horribleness got her dumped.  Des is open to finding love which is code for make me The Bachelorette.  Chris makes a crack about overusing the phrase "most dramatic rose ceremony ever" before bringing AshLee on stage.  This is where you crack a beer and take a big sip any time AshLee mentions being abandoned.  AshLee was 100% in love and wasn't mad at being eliminated, just sort of speechless and hoped for answers.  She is not in love with Sean anymore, especially after seeing the show and seeing his behavior with the other girls. No solo time for Lesley M? Shaaaaame!

Because what's a Women Tell All without the idea of kinda confronting but not really confronting the lead at all?  Sean is brought onstage to the cheers of many a horny housewife audience members.  AshLee's question is "What happened? I don't get it." and Sean says she was the early frontrunner but he didn't feel like she could be his best friend because there wasn't laughter with her.  I think we viewers all understand that.  AshLee is pissy that he didn't come check on her because he's a gentleman, but he explains he thought it would be worse as that's how he felt with Emily.  She also claims he told her in the fantasy suites that he didn't have feelings for the other girls (Sean denies this big time).  This then drags on for another five minutes in a behind-the-scenes moment where they thought cameras were off.  Sean insists he didn't say this and does his gentlemanly apology for this, then they all chuckle about Des' insane brother.  Just saying, for someone who has moved on, AshLee's pretty whiny.  The show wraps up with their usual blooper reel, Sean saying he had a wonderful group of women he was blessed to meet, and accepts the well wishes for next week's finale.

Next week: Sean picks his future wife.