The Bachelor - Season Finale
Sean's family gets shipped to Thailand to help cast judgement upon his final two women. "Emily didn't pick you," says Sean's sassy nephew that I want to be besties with. First to meet the family is Catherine who is greeted by hugs, smiles and a toast to water. TO WATER? Bor-ing! Catherine impresses dad by being an athlete and mom finds cuteness is the notes she slipped to Sean. Dad says if Catherine is picked by Sean not only will Sean be her best friend, but he promises to be her bestie too. Aww. Lindsay meets the clan the next day and immediately is asked "What have you two done?" and neither answer "suck face around the world" (the truth). Everyone laughs at her night one entrance as the psycho bride. Lindsay tells dad how Sean is everything she is looking for and challenges her. She cites "prayer and communication" as a way to get through the tough times, which opens a big ol' prayer talk before Lindsay asks for Sean's hand in marriage. LOLZ GUYZ. Mom likes that Lindsay and Sean share the same values and Lindsay cries a bunch. Despite all this family talk and love business, all I can focus on is Sean's refusal to wear shoes. Seriously, you're outdoor on pavement throw on some Tevas or something, you're gonna get that beautiful rental house floor filthy. And develop calluses.
Now that the Lowes have met both girls it's time to get judgey. The verdict is either girl is a winner, but mom isn't huge on him proposing in 48 hours just because he's on a TV show that essentially is forcing him to propose. Oh mom, didn't you watch the show? Mom wants to make sure he doesn't rush a big decision and explains she's only got about 20 minutes of perspective. He has like 20 days. Mom starts crying about it being such a huge decision and can't believe he could make such a choice so soon. And suddenly in this deep conversation I look down... Sean still isn't wearing shoes! Why won't he wear a pair of sandals? Sneakers? I'll even take Crocs! Put on some footwear!
Decked out in a sky blue tank, red shorts, and sneakers (finally some shoes), Sean meets Lindsay and her pink shorts for their last date together. They are a colorful pair. The pair explore by sippin' champs on a raft down the brown and murky Mekong River. Livin', man! They giggle about the good times and then turn to their usual makeouts in front of these two poor rowers. Lindsay tells Sean she loves him and he makes the weirdest like ehhh/derp noise in response, which brings me great joy. That night Sean visits Lindsay for wine, more one-way professions of love, kissing, and to receive his craft project declaration of love that we all look forward to. Lindsay tells Sean he has everything she every wanted in a husband, but she's still nervous about possibly losing him. Lindsay's craft project is three wish lanterns for love, happiness, and family which they light and send into the sky. The wishes float into the sky, there's more kissing, and it's the last memory Sean and Lindsay have together until the final rose ceremony.
Sean tones down his color palette for his date with Catherine, opting for a purple V-neck and black shorts so he can be purple twinsies with her. It's a dream come true when the date is to ride an elephant and Catherine is the happiest we've seen her yet. It's a fantastic, scenic, bumpy ride and I'll admit it: I'm jealous. Catherine has a hard time opening up her full feelings to Sean, knowing he can't reciprocate, but she expresses her feelings in a rambling way. Saying "I love you" first is something Catherine isn't sure she wants to do, because it's a big risk... but right before he leaves she whispers it to him. And Sean doesn't give much emotion back, which kills her, and it's an awkward goodbye. All this stupid talking and the show didn't show us the craft project of love. I see something in his hand! What is it? Well I'm disappointed.
Sean lotions up and saunters around his rental home shirtless to ponder his final two women. He sees a future with both women, but there is one woman he can't stand to live without. So Neil Lane comes to a the tropical country in a full suit (but lets the breeze roll in through an unbuttoned shirt and no tie) with diamonds in hand. He selects a stunning halo ring and heads inside for one last shirtless shot before throwing on his fancy suit and getting teary eyed. The women also get some voiceover thinkin' time, just not shirtless. That's indecent!
As we're all getting excited for the proposal, a cold shower is thrown upon us in the form of the live studio audience. Filling time to make this night drag on forever, Chris Harrison asks this season's rejects who they think Sean will pick. A couple Lindsay, a couple Catherine. A whole lot of I don't care get to the proposal, amirite?
The big teaser is there's been some late breaking news regarding Sean and Catherine. Supposedly it's something that's never happened before on an ATFR. But Sean says he can't wait to not be in hiding and tonight is the beginning of their lives. However before basking in joy, he'll have to face a potentially heartbroken Lindsay. Sean knows it's going to be tough to talk to Lindsay because he still doesn't have a great reason for dumping her, just that he loved Catherine more.
Lindsay comes out on stage and she's doing well, though it's hard to see Sean for the first time since getting dumped. She wonders what happened, the same question everyone asked. Sadly for her, Sean doesn't have a good answer for closure except loving someone else more, that Catherine was his perfect fit. He thinks the world of her (and her of him) and thought they were the perfect fit. No specifics just don't let Catherine go. It's pretty boring so Chris Harrison asks Lindsay to recall the days after getting dumped and relive her heartbreak. If you're playing the After the Final Rose drinking game, the drinking phrase is "What went wrong?" Sean does say that he knew after the final one-on-one date that was the moment he knew Catherine was the one, not Lindsay. But hey, faith and prayer helped her get through it.
Chris Harrison boldly declares that America is "celebrating" Sean and Catherine's engagement, so he brings her out on stage to be reunited with Sean. They gawk at Catherine's sparkly engagement ring which had to be tucked away these last few months in secrecy. Seeing Sean covered in white snow, forseeing how he might look as an elderly man, is what sold Catherine on Sean. They are best friends and what they wanted in a partner. Chris Harrison asks about the letter because for a split second, Sean worried that the letter could've been a change of heart. That would've been the worst, kinda like having to dump another girl twenty minutes beforehand!! The couple relives their proposal with Sean crying again and Catherine remembering how shaky she was. The big news is that when they get married, their wedding will be on TV. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Anyone who lasts on this show gets married on TV. Chris Harrison acts like this is a huge revelation that they're so ready to get married and have it be filmed for television. You are a bunch of turds, show, for making us think something interesting would happen.
The show wraps up with the news that Desiree AKA Des is the new Bachelorette, which we all saw coming. That's only one degree less shocking than the idea that the Bachelor and his woman would get married on TV. The better news: return of her crazy brother. See you for the recaps, friends and until then... I'll hold onto this rose.