June 3, 2013

The Bachelorette: The Bachelorette Kills Rap Music

The Bachelorette - Week 2
The guys bro out around the mansion until Chris Harrison calls them into the living room. In an uncharastically untucked shirt, Chris Harrison explains the "rules" (group dates and solo dates).  He leaves behind the first date card and the quest for love begins.

Brooks, a marketing consultant from Salt Lake City with longer hair, is the first solo date.  Des picks him up in her rented fridge-colored Bentley and they drive off.  Desiree is going to show Brooks her daily life, which is her job as a wedding dress designer.  She tries on dresses while he puts on horrible tuxs (serving leprechaun realness) until they get some legit wedding gear.  After grabbing cupcakes while being mobbed, the date leads to a romantic snugglefest high in the hills beneath the iconic Hollywood sign.  And so they chat about hopes, dreams, past relationships, life, and they share the first kiss of the season.  When they drive home that night, Des "gets lost" and drives through the hood.  Because she's a TV star, she suggests moving the blocked road posts and driving through... to a secluded dinner for two on a closed off bridge.  They talk more about love and their parents relationship (which we all talk about constantly), though it sort of pushes Brooks past his comfort level but he still opens up.  This sensitivity and willingness to be open moves Des, and she gives him a rose.  And just when it seems like it's ending, singer Andy Grammer ("You gotta keep your head up- ooo ooo") performs just for the two of them to poorly dance to.  Way to use up all the cliche dates in one night.

"Who's here for the right reasons?" asks the group date card.  In what I've been waiting for all night, Des and her suitors are teaming up with Soulja Boy to film a rap video.  At a winery.  It's official everyone: hip hop is dead.  The track is called "For the Right Reasons" and I can't decide which is sadder: the guys "freestyling" for Des or Soulja Boy having to team with these people.  The lyrics reference past seasons of the show, and Twitter Kasey knows WAY too much about this show.  Brandon gets weird since he has to dance and thrust in tiny undies.  This may be the most embarrassing thing I've seen on a dating show and I saw that girl poop herself on the Flavor of Love stairs.  But it's all fun and laughs despite the horrible humiliation airing across the country.

After destroying a genre of music, there's a nighttime cocktail party.  Shirtless Zak shows his sensitive side with an empty antique journal that has just an inscription from a father to his daughter.  Ben swoops in to steal time, rubbing the guys the wrong way and setting off the "not here for the right reasons" flag.  Turns out last week's sweet dad might be a season douche.  Ben gets a kiss in and it's sounds a little saliva-y.  Michael G. vows to be the guy who tells everything AKA house snitch.  Mikey T doesn't appreciate Ben's interruptions and pulls him aside man-to-man to say he feels he's a little fake and only playing up being bros when the cameras are on.  Ben says he's not and compliments Mikey's shoes. Bro-tiff over. Brandon, who's already in love despite three hours of time together, spills his sad family secrets and poorness to Des to show her who he is.  Desiree gives the group date rose to is Ben for "using him time wisely" which means making out.  And then the guys bust out the chorus to "Right Reasons" one more time and it's so cringey.

Bryden the military guy gets the other one-on-one date which is a roadtrip. She doesn't even pick him up inside; she honks the horn like a carpool.  After stocking up on snacks they arrive at their first stop, El Matador Beach, where they run in the waves, fail at flying kites, and take their own videos.  They stop to pick oranges and eat brie in Orange Grove, then wrap up their drive at an Ojai resort for a private romantic dinner under a big ol' tree.  Desiree talks about how she hasn't laughed this much in ages, which is a perfect segway for Bryden to talk about a nearly life-ending car accident.  He even brought pics!  While he previously used the military as a scapecoat to avoid a relationship, he's ready now.  Des gives Bryden the rose, then they head to the pool for some swimsuit chit chat and awkward not-kissing eventhough she's giving the signals.  "Just kiss me already!" Des says and they kiss.

Time for another pre-rose ceremony cocktail party where the dynamic has already changed.  Michael G uses his alone time not to snitch but to reveal his shocking secret: he's diabetic.  And in the midst of this story, Ben (who has a rose) makes the dick move to interrupt.  The house is fuming at Ben's turd behavior so they confront him.  After a little group discussion, Michael G (now diabetic Michael) takes Ben outside for a man-to-man talk.  Diabetic Michael says he knows they aren't there to be BFFs but he find Ben arrogant and not a cool dude like the other guys.  "I didn't know how long the night was going to last," Ben defends but wasn't this like way early in the night?  Nice try.  It's brought up that in the house he never discusses his son but always talks about the bar he owns.  The guys all believe Desiree will figure it out on her own... it like four more weeks in some international locale.  And then some rando guy Brian talks about his recent breakup which he explains was more like six months ago (AKA they're still dating), the dissolving of the relationship, and he hopes to talk more to Des.  Oh setup...

Chris Harrison clinks the champagne glass to end the cocktail party.  Desiree comes back out with her tray of roses in his beautiful sparkly dress, ready to make some guys happy and crush a couple drunk souls.  The search for love ends for three guys including black guy banker Will, advertising entrepreneur Robert, and investment advisor Nick who I honestly had never seen on this show until he was eliminated.  The night ends with a toast "to the right reasons" and if you've been using that catchphrase as a drinking game please head to the hospital immediately.

Next week: someone's girlfriend is pissssssssssssssssssssed.

And now, "Right Reasons"....