June 24, 2013

The Bachelorette: Hot Tub Boats and Igloo Makeout Sessions

The Bachelorette - Week 5
Goodbye America, helloooo Germany.  Des is so excited to travel romantic Munich with all her men.  This week there is a one-on-one date, a group date, and a Thunderdome 2-on-1 dates. YES!  I love a good date battle.

Chris receives his date card in German and he's so excited despite not knowing what in god's name was written on the card.  Desiree and Chris just walk around and explore Munich like tourists being followed around by a television crew.  So they eat local junk food and dance around in lederhosen.  "I don't think anything could go wrong," says Chris.  CUE THE DRAMA!  Bryden, who despite choosing to stay last week, decides again he wants to leave.  He hunts Des down in Munich to tell her by asking random Germans if they've seen television cameras (and no one replied, "Behind you, arschloch.")  Bryden leers on the sidelines as the pair dance and does a quick interruption when they stop.  Chris is surprised, yet a little too reluctant to let this guy snag time on his date until he realizes that a few minutes too late.  He pretty much reiterates what he said last rose ceremony which is his feelings aren't progressing, so he's leaving.  Desiree isn't super surprised and while not that upset, it makes her question all the other guys.  After a little beer chugging, Desiree and Chris get gussied up for a romantic dinner in a palace.  They talk about relationships and Chris reads another poem he wrote about her (and gets a kiss).  Chris gets the date rose, obvs, and he's surprised with... ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT.  Enough.  E-freakin-nuff'.

The group date bros meet Des at Zugspitze, the highest peak in Germany, taking a scenic gondola ride up the top.  It's as close to a helicopter we're getting this week, huh?  Well the view is pretty stunning as you can see Germany and Austria from the top.  But they're interrupted by an awesome yodeling old man who deserves a rose.  They unleash their childish side, sledding down the ridiculous mountain (with Drew nearly takes Des out) and having a snowball fight.  

At the top of the hill is this secret igloo ice hotel complete with snow carvings, slaughtered animal pelt blankets, and a date rose on a pile of snow.  Everyone wants said rose, with Brooks getting his smooch first and Mikey suggesting making a family of snowpeople (sexy).  Zak lurks and interrupts with shouting/poor yodeling on a mountain and I wish an avalanche would take him alive.  Revelation: Zak almost became a priest but a climb up a mountain made him realize that wasn't his path (his path: being annoying on a dating show).  James doesn't appreciate being on a group date and thinks he's better than all; he's becoming the guy who's different around the guys and they want to tattle.  The rose ends up going to Brooks for bringing out the best in Des and making her laugh.

The 2-on-1 date is Michael and Ben, which is no surprise at all since they've been set up as this season's adversaries.  Michael reminds us over and over how much Ben sucks, but Michael's the doof who doesn't realize he's the obvious elimination guy that gets sent on the Thunderdome date.  The awkward date starts with coffee from a thermos on a bench, with both guys competing to keep Desiree's interest.  Des "pranks" the guys with a polar bear plunge but it's actually a wood-fired hot tub you can navigate in the lake.  Much better option.  Ben talks about being away from his son, so Michael talks about how his own dad abandoned him.  Well this is a fun hot tub date.  

The awkwardness doesn't stop at their candlelit cabin dinner for three.  Michael calls out Ben for not being friendly with the guys, religion stuff, his kid.  SO awkward and Ben's pissed.  Desiree kinda chastises Michael for bringing all this up.  Ben tries to explain himself to Des and she thinks he has feelings, just odd ways to express it.  Michael gives his side, which is the comments he makes, publicity for his bar, etc.  Shocking us all, Desiree gives the rose to Michael. Whaaaat!  I think Ben is less bummed about Desiree and more pissed about her picking Michael who was being a jerk.  Though Ben's true colors are revealed when he asks how long until he can be seen out in public with somehow.  However, his wise words about careful who gets to the end cause they're the next Bachelor was oh so true in this season of duds.

Back at the hotel, the guys speculate about the 2-on-1 date.  Drew tells the guys he overhead Mikey and James talking in the limo, talking about the life they'll be living in Chicago after the show.  James says after this show everyone will know who he is, he'll run Chicago, and meet hot rich chicks and take them on boats.  He also dreams of being the next Bachelor.  Drew wants to tell her everything.  But they all take time to rejoice in Ben's elimination.

It's time for another rose ceremony, this week at a beautiful castle in Munich.  In her interview with Chris Harrison, she admits to falling for a couple guys and given a choice, she'd kiss Brooks first (Zak for a pure physically good kiss- gross).  Des wants to make sure her and her guys are on a two-way street of love, but feels she can trust the remaining guys.  As her mind is made up, Des declines having a cocktail party.  Well that throws off the plan to confess all to Des.  Des apologizes for cancelling the party but she's just ready to hand out some damn roses, knowing she's bored us enough this week.  The last rose comes down to Mikey and James and, duhhhhhh, James gets the rose and all the guys are fuming.

Next week: let's all bicker about James.