June 10, 2013

The Bachelorette: Shocker- Someone Has A Girlfriend Back Home

The Bachelorette - Week 3

The first date of the week is a big ol' group date to learn how to play dodgeball like a pro. If four guys don't get concussions, this date is a waste. The pros whip the guys until Chris Harrison interrupts the massacre to split the guys into two teams. Winning team gets to continue the date with Des while the losers go home to drink heavily in the mansion. And instead of the gym, the guys get into short shorts and tanks to play outside a mall. Balls everywhere, indeed. Desiree loves seeing her men get smacked in the head and groin, the weirdest turn-on ever. Brooks breaks his finger because sports are terrible. In a best of three battle, the blue team is named champions but Desiree breaks the rules, the only reason to compete, and brings both teams to the after party.

So while Brooks gets his finger re-aligned in the emergency room, all the other guys get into their fancy clothes for drinks with Des. Cheers to Brooks, high on vicodin! Some rando named Brad lets Des is on his secret: he has a three year old son that he takes care of fulltime. Chris escorts Desiree to a secret spot he "found on his own" (the rooftop), which impresses her. Brooks shows up in his red dodgeball uniform to make sure he gets Des time. He also sounds a little high which is great, then they kiss. Des gives Chris the rose and they head off to ANOTHER private concert to slow dance and kiss.

Des is really looking forward to her one-on-one date with Kasey, but she receives a random phone call with some "bizarre news" about one of the guys. Desiree is offended, finding this crime against the show "rude." Brian, who viewers might remember last week as claiming to have ended a relationship, is lying. He has a girlfriend back home and he insists it was over a long time ago, but then the girlfriend shows up at the house escorted by Chris Harrison.  Apparently the girlfriend tried to dump him the night before leaving, he said no let's just take a break.  Her son is in the equation too, so she doesn't appreciate it.  The girlfriend (Stephanie) claims to have photo evidence they were hanging out right before the show, plus he was seeing tons of girls.  "He's not an honest person, Desiree," she explains.  He eventually admits he slept with Stephanie right before coming to the show.  Des said there's not a chance he's staying (no shit).  All the guys whine about Brian not here for the right reasons.  Personally, I don't really buy it.  I hate the contrived boyfriend/girlfriend back home storyline that they play out every season.  This show goes through an extensive interview and personality test for casting.  They know if you're dating someone or not, and they don't care.  It's all for TV.

Drama over, Kasey gets his date with Desiree which shockingly does not include a private concert.  Instead they get the extreme date to dance on the side of the building while hoisted up by wires.  I can't believe how much dancing they've made a girl with no rhythm do on this show.  It's pretty cool leaping into the air, doing cartwheels against windows, and stuntin'.  After leaving shoe prints all over the windows, the two share dinner and drinks on the hotel rooftop.  But then the winds start blowing like whoa, ruining an already lame date.  It's a sign.  They jump into the freezing pool, towels on their heads to block the wind, and Kasey kisses her.  Because she trusts him, and maybe as mercy for internally shitting on the date all day, Kasey gets the rose.

A stagecoach picks the second group date guys up where Des greets them in full Scarlett O'Hara garb.  She fends off an actor playing a cowboy, throwing him off the balcony.  He dies (just kidding).  The guys work with the stunt team for The Lone Ranger to shoot fake guns, fake fight, and lasso a barrel of hay.  Buncha tough guys!  To impress Desiree and win more time, each guy does a fight scene to rescue the damsel in distress.  Juan Pablo's Spanish delights Des, plus who doesn't love a guy kicking dirt into the eyes of some guy getting as an under five extra?  Their romantic evening is a private screening of The Lone Ranger in a barn.  "It's THE best date I've had in forever," Des lies.  Eventually the pair share a slurpy kiss.

The guys get some sloppy seconds, ending the night with cocktails in mason jars by the campfire and more chances for alone with Des.  After worrying that coming on this show maybe was a waste and he should be home with his sick dad, Desiree gives James the rose to show it's not a waste and she's interested.  And he gives her a daisy.  For the record: three dudes kissed on this date... out of five. SCORE!

Chris Harrison shows up at the house to announce the stuffy cocktail party is cancelled and instead they're have a chill pool party.  Dumb. Should've had a pizza party.  Ben snakes his way into alone time, requesting a fifteen minute date cruising around in the Bentley.  "Shh it's our secret," Ben says after a bunch of dudes already saw them kissing in the car.  Desiree finally shows up to the party and it's cannonballs, pool volleyball and splashing.  Dan brings Desiree a pizza and I immediately fall in love.  Ben lies about sneaking off and kissing Des, and the lying makes the guys madder.  "It's called The Bachelorette for a reason. It's not called Let's Make Friends," Ben tells us while insisting he's 100% there for her.  Brandon tells Desiree another one of his sad childhood stories, says he's falling in love with her, and kisses her.  Guy, it is WEEK THREE.  Early contender for next season's boring lead.

The guys shower and suit up after their day-drinking for the rose ceremony.  This week Desiree eliminates Brandon and Dan.  Brandon for being absurdly way too into her too soon and Dan because I guess she hates pizza.  Brandon is upset to Desiree chases after him outside to explain.  She doesn't feel a romantic chemistry while he continues to insist to the viewers he's in love with her.  He laments being abandoned again. Oh brother, there's other fish in the Bachelor cesspool universe.

Next week: everyone hates Ben in Atlantic City.

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