July 15, 2013

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates- A Neck Crackin' Good Time

The Bachelorette - Week 8
Hometown Dates

Back to 'Murica for hometown dates and the akwardness of meeting a bunch of families of the guys' hearts Des will be breaking.

First stop is Zak in Dallas who says his family is crazier than him (oh brother).  Zak romances Desiree by telling him about his dream where the sun began to melt their flesh close to death, then it begins to snow and they eat the snow, and kids come frolicking.  Guys, don't take Ambien.  I guess the dream is his poor attempt to explain that he's going to take her aboard the family business, a sno cone truck, and feed the local kids sugar until they vomit on his penguin costume.  They park the sno cone truck at his family's house and head inside for family time.  His family laughs in his face about his horrible shirtless intro and roll their eyes at his constant nudity.  To celebrate the family's adoration of Desiree, they sing a Zak original song while he strums the guitar with his eyes shut getting into the groove.  The song brings Des to tears while I'm tensed up and cringing.  Zal goves Desiree a ring he bought all the way in Atlantic City not as a proposal, but as a symbol of when he started falling for her.  She says he loves her, the family loves her, she seems happy.

Desiree flies to Scottsdale, Arizona to see Drew and just kiss in front of a lot of local businesses.  He keeps up his promise and brings Desiree to pick up his handicapped sister and she's as excited to see him as he said.  And soon they're at Drew's mom's house and it's as boring as I figured it would be.  Listen, Drew is easy on the eyes but kind of a dullard.  His mom wants him to verbalize to her the feelings he has for Des and he's all swoony and goofy and wants to marry her, so mom knows it's real and gets all teary.  Des also learns that she's met an angel in the form of Drew's sister; she gets the approval from the family, obvs.  On the way out, Drew hugs Desiree and repeats a bunch of times that he loves Des and wants her to be a part of his life.

It's off to McMinnville, Oregon, a town of lush greens and cools teens skateboarding around.  Chris greets Desiree with a little bouquet and a trip to the Little League field because he once played "professional baseball."  Show me your trading card and I'll give you more cred than Roberto (UPDATE: Chris is legit, everyone. Thanks to @hstrong_!).  A little catch and batting is played, then Desiree shows Chris some shitty sketches he did for him.  Now Chris understands what it's like to pretend to like another person's lame attempts at expression.  Desiree meets the family and it's mentioned she hurt her back while drinking wine near a cliff or something- who the hell knows.  Chris' dad is a chiropractor so what better date than to go into the basement and get a massage/back alignment from your quarter-boyfriend's back.  Chris gets a nose adjustment too because there's not father/son bonding like balloons in the schnoz.  He desperately wants mom's approval and she sighs a bunch, but likes Des.  Another successful date in the bag.

Rounding up the hometown bonanza is Brooks in Salt Lake City, Utah, who's been having a hard time with the separation time due to this weird process.  Hopefully he starts to get a clue that she's in love with him given that she is making obsessively love list notes about him and not weird guy-made crafts like the others.  Brooks paddles Des around in a canoe and it's probably the most normal moment they've had that isn't manufactured by the show.  Brooks' family greetings Des with a huge group pile-on hug and name tags since there's a buttload of 'em.  Des gushes to mom and asks the important questions, while Brooks gets advice from his many, many, many siblings.  Brooks gets all red-faced and gets approval from mom.  "Thanks for not being a huge waste of time!" says my favorite of all Brooks' siblings.  Brooks is back in the game you guys.

It's back to the show's home turf in Los Angeles for the next rose ceremony.  But first, the return of last season's real star: Desiree's insane brother.  It's supposedly their first reunion and they've barely spoken since last interraction brother dearest went H.A.M. on Sean and blew it for Des.  While she bullshits around who's her favorite, she does give Nate the lowdown on her quarter-boyfriends.  He'd like to meet them and get into their heads to which we viewers are like YESSSSSS DO ITTTTT.  Nate just reminds her that he ruined her Sean time because he was a dud.  Nate doesn't want Desiree to get her heart broken again and sees this as the wrong move, again.  At least Chris Harrison provides a better sounding board for her experience.

The guys begin to arrive at the hotel for the rose ceremony while Desiree's brother lurks in the hotel lobby behind columns to scope them out.  I wish he was wearing a fedora, trench coat, and glasses for a more comical undercover look.  "There's nothing holding me back from finding a husband," Des narrates as her brother weirdly stalks.  And then he slinks back to his hotel room to raid the mini bar.  Up on the rooftop, Desiree must crush one guy who just opened his heart, and his family's heart, to her.  Desiree eliminates Zak, missing out of a lifetime supply of sno cones which is really a big decision to make.  Des apologizes for breaking his heart and returns the promise ring he gave her.  He gives a bewildered limo interview, shocked and depressed this didn't work out for him.  He throws the ring out the window so I hope it was cheapy.  Oh Zak, some woman will swoon for your shirtless advances.

Next week: the men bitch at each other in front of a live studio audience!