July 8, 2013

The Bachelorette: I Came All the Way to Portugal to Drive Go-Karts

The Bachelorette - Week 7

Madeira Island, Portugal is the latest globetrotting stop of awkward seduction for Des and her men.  With five dudes left, there's three solo dates and a 2-on-1 date with the only rose of the week (but no Thunderdome elimination, shucks).  Before sucking face with some dudes, Catherine, Jackie, and Lesley M from last season come to gab with Desiree and give some advice.  After gushing over the fellas she blushes when she admits falling in love with a couple guys.  Then it's awesome girl talk ranking the guys and wonderful which is the most... endowed.  LOLZ ABOUND.

Brooks and Des go on their first one-on-one date together since week one; he's been group dated since.  They drive a teeny car to overlook a seaside cliff and then drive up a mountaintop, sharing a picnic in the mist of clouds.  Brooks isn't ready for saying "love" but he's past "like," so that's helpfully vague.  And then make out in the clouds while talking about deep "breaking through" metaphors and shouting "We're on cloud nine!!" Ugh Brooks, you're too cool for this.  Their night date is, you guessed it, a private candlelit dinner on a rooftop.  Brooks wants Des to know how much her meeting his family will mean and hopes (nay, wants) her to have feelings for him as well if they're taking this step.  She admits her feelings for him are growing, but he's definitely nervous and maybe apprehensive about this big step.  They're interrupted by a fireworks displaying and they cuddle and smooch more.

Chris and Desiree board a yacht to "sea" if they can find love and let's all chuckle with these ocean puns!  They strip down and sunscreen each other up because nothing defines romance like skincare and the avoidance of melanoma.  The boat brings them to a deserted island, picnic basket in hand, to sip wine amongst and adorable field of flowers.  Chris has brought along a bottle and paper for them to write not a message in a bottle, but a poem they'll write together.  Guy we get it, you like poems.  Their romantic dinner is time to talk about the family they'd want to have and more about the family Des might meet next week.  He's a bundle of nerves to read yet another GD poem but this one ends with Chris saying "I love you."  Desiree is wowed by his writing and emotions, rewarding him with a kiss or eleven.  They leave dinner to walk through a beautiful garden, hand-in-hand, kissing to a really loud musical cue that I thought was leading to the 50th private concert date of the season.

Annoying Michael finally gets his one-on-one date which is just to explore around town while Desiree wears Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  They kiss while sipping wine at a gorgeous park overlooking a peaceful waterfall, then peace out to go street tobogganing.  It's a great way to see the city while holding back motion sickness induced vomit.  Des wears a tight white dress and denim jacket to dinner, while Michael channels the Tubbs and Crocket look in beige blazer and pastel V-neck shirt.  Michael talks about his family life and not being on speaking terms with his dad, who apparently isn't a fan of supporting a child with diabetes.  They leave dinner for a private concert/makeout session by some random local woman singing romantically in Spanish.  It's not the most official private concert, but I'll count it.  I've been told the polka band previously counts, so this is the SIXTH private concert.  Normal season? Maybe two.

The only rose of the week (pre-ceremony) is up for grabs on the 2-on-1 with Zak and Drew.  The guys will make Des' "heart race" in go-karts and if you haven't started to figure out date card puns, I might have to make fun of you.  Desiree wins the first round because they probably let her, then encourages Zak and Drew to battle each other with a Rebel Without a Cause wave of the flag (Zak wins).  There's a picnic on the go-kart ground greens because nothing says romance like that sort of like carnival ride engine smell that permeates the area.  Can we address that they flew to Europe, on an island near Africa, to ride go-karts??  Since Zak won, he gets alone time first which means Drew will get the sloppy seconds and the residue of Zak's saliva.  To recap their relationship, Zak provides a sketchbook history of their memories.  "It's so good," Des says in the same voice I used when I was a summer camp arts counselor.  Drew gets his time with Des and knows his family can't wait to meet Des because they've been talking about it.  He tells the sweet story about his handicapped sister and wants Des to come along with him to pick her up and see the happiness his sister has- it's so sweet.  He reassures Des that he can and will let loose and he's not super boring, plus he says he's falling for her.  Desiree gives smiley Drew a rose.

Before the rose ceremony, Desiree and Chris Harrison have a little fireside chat to recap the week and her relationship progress.  She basically full on admits she's in love with Brooks but he still hasn't said he loves her yet.  Chris asks if it's over and Des said it's not over but she's "still keeping an open mind."    Oh but she's also starting to fall in love with Chris (the poem one, not the puppet-handed host).  Chris Harrison breathes a sigh of relief that the show still goes on because he wasn't sure if he collects a paycheck for a shortened season.  At the rose ceremony, Des cuts Michael to no one's sadness except his own.  He takes his dumping fairly well but just feels jilted again. "Here we go again," says his mom on the phone which is maybe the saddest bit.  But hey, you outlasted Ben right?

Next week: screw hometown dates, it's the return of Desiree's hostile brother!!!!

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