July 1, 2013

The Bachelorette: Seriously Guys, STFU

The Bachelorette - Week 6

Hola, Barcelona!  Desiree gives a lackluster narrative about pursuing love in Spain.  The guys have set their not-here-for-the-right-reason laser gun on James now, who has apparently bragged about life after this show.

Drew gets his first one-on-one date with Des, and she describes him as "romantic and passionate about romance."  Their date is sightseeing around the city, with a kiss to kick-off the day and a belly of hot chocolate and tapas.  Drew tells Desiree that his father is his hero, as he is a recovering alcoholic who has been helping other in AA become sober too and now has leukemia.  Fast forward to night where they awkwardly dance to street musicians before heading to a private dinner in a courtyard.  Drew interrupts dinner to drag Des into an alley and makeout with her Desiree against a wall (great, now dinner is cold).  Desiree has apparently remembered to keep the date rose with her this whole time and gives it to him in the alley.  But the sexy is fizzled when Drew tells Desiree of what he overheard James say re: the possibility of him being the next Bachelor should it not work out with Desiree.  "Thank you, thank you," she says.  So I'm guessing the smooch session is over for the night?

Decked out in blinding neon green, the group date guys meet Desiree outside a football (soccer) stadium.  Ah yes, a date stacked totally for Juan Pablo, the ex pro soccer player, to stand out.  The date is for the guys to play against Des and her team consisting of pro lady footballers.  The bros expect an easy victory full of cocky dances, but the women kick their asses.  James is assigned the blame as he's a terrible goalie.  Michael makes a horrible "kicking it" pun at their nighttime date and I truly don't get Des' choices in the slightest.  Desiree writes Chris a poem in return for all his corny odes to her.  But the fun is short lived.

Kasey and Michael decide to confront James he made the comment about making final four and possibly becoming the Bachelor.  James makes a stink face and says he didn't start that conversation, and says he didn't say the final four Bachelor comment.  He keeps saying he was just agreeing with Mikey, but they remind him that he's the one that brought up being next season's lead.  Ah the mystery of the times when the camera is not on.  After hearing more about the James comments from Kasey, Desiree sends the other guys home roseless and decides to talk to James alone.  Desiree believes the story as she trusts all the guys, but James insists it was all Mikey and him just nodding along.  He does say if he mentioned becoming the Bachelor it was a "worst case scenario" in case he didn't end up with Desiree.  He gets teary about the accusations, they yak more, she cries alone in a corner.  I yawn.  Instead of a decision, they sleep on it.  And when James gets to the hotel everyone is shocked and pissy.

Zak gets the next one-on-one date because I have no idea, I truly don't get Zak.  They end up drawing each other and it's heinous. Makes me wish for the Michael Stagliano portrait of Bachelor Pad yesteryear.  After sketching one random dude in a trench coat we're eventually treated to one sexy, duck-faced pouty naked dude.  Zak shows up in a robe and thankfully is wearing briefs so as not to blind us viewers.  At night they dine in a cave/basement and talk about his family until they opt to make out.  He receives the date rose.  And after ONE alone date together, Zak decrees his is in live with Desiree.  Then they make out on a cave wall cause Drew's not the only one who knows how to get freaky against bricks.

Drew and James talk privately.  He doesn't feel like they should be speculating about the future without Desiree as the point is to fall in love with her, not position themselves just to make final four.  James insists it's not about "positioning" but moreso the reality that hey, even if Des dumps me I could end up moving on.  Drew doesn't believe James is totally focused on this and James can't talk himself out of this one.  I wish they'd all talk about something else because this drama is laaaaame.  And then the guys continue to beat a dead horse and won't STFU about it.  Desiree eventually comes to the hotel to talk James outside to chat even more about everything.  "The conversation was about scenarios," he explains for the 100th time.  And the sweet talking makes it hard for Des, again, because he insists he has feelings for her.  So Desiree does NOT dump James which means we'll have to endure this shit even longer.

And so the guys fight about this EVEN MORE.  "Just because you're here doesn't mean you're The Bachelor after!" shouts Chris.  The guys just can't fathom him thinking of the world outside Desiree.  James insists it's just about what normal life would be like not in the bubble of this show.  Everyone gets angry more and can't believe Desiree won't cut him loose.  I'm so over recapping this.  It's not interesting. It's not funny. We don't care.

After all the nonsense, James does not receive a rose at the ceremony, as well as Juan Pablo and Kasey.  So thanks for dragging that James shit out only to cut him six hours later.

Next week: a helicopter! Plus, let us spoil the rest of the season for you so you don't stop watching now out of boredom.