July 22, 2013

Reality Rundown: STFU and Let's Watch Some Bloopers

7/22/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments
The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All

It's the Men Tell All AKA my least favorite episode ever!  In a complete repeat of last season, Desiree and Chris Harrison crash fan parties.  But twist, Desiree crashes parties in New York with successful couples Ashlee and JP, Jason and Molly, and Trista (sans Ryan it seems).  Really hammering in hey, remember when we cast better leads, Desiree has girl time with Ashlee, Emily, and Ali for advice on how to handle The Men Tell All.  Here's advice: a few drinks and with your BS meter on.

All the fellas come on stage to the catcalls and booing of Chico's best customers.  Jonathan is surprised he didn't get booed for being a night one creep, but another reminds him no one remembered him.  Guy-with-girlfriend Brian declined coming to this reunion, so they choose to shit on him behind his back in true reality TV fashion.  Juan Pablo said he didn't consider the show a competition like others did, mainly Ben.

And so into the hot seat comes Ben so everyone can shout at the season villain.  Ben says his asshole responses in the limo home was just bitterness and anger after getting dumped, especially for someone like Michael.  No one understands why Ben had to be so two-faced and nice to Des but awful to them; he should be a cool dude whenever.  Oh and stop being so competitive because everyone's there to suck face with Des and maybe fake-propose at the end.  The guys think Ben was fake and bring the kid into it again- oh boy.  But, the mother of Ben's son allegedly told Dan some dirt on Ben.  It wraps up quickly with basically you don't know me as a dad.  But stay tuned guys, there's bloopers coming up!

Next to get grilled is James who was an unexpected contender who unfortunately allegedly blabbed about being the next Bachelor.  The conversation addressed which was a "hey bro, worse comes to worse you get dumped and become the lead."  James believes his conversation with Mikey was totally misconstrued and he really did have feelings for Des.  Mikey backs up James, saying it was venting as friends and says it wasn't a plan to be The Bachelor, it was plan B.  Kasey insists James said "Well if I make top four, I can probably be the Bachelor."  Mikey jumps in once Kasey elaborates on "tall girls with a lot of money" and says they could've confronted them earlier in Germany, but didn't.  Kasey continues his long rant, which I tune out because it's as repetitive as it was weeks ago.  So Chris poses the big question: would he become The Bachelor?  James says he'd have to ask his family and whatnot but that's a no shit, of course I want love, six figures, and fame too.  None of the ladies in the audience are biting.

In the, let's setup potential next season leads, Chris spends time with Juan Pablo and Zak.  Despite having hardly any screentime, Juan Pablo is adored by the ladies and brought into the hot seat.  Listen, he just came for a cute girl to like/love him and his daughter, who now mispronounces daddy's name since Des can't roll a damn R.  Everyone is eating up the heavy handed convo.  Zak W gets his time on stage to remind us he was the season's clown, a fool if you will, and that he grew to be semi-less annoying.  He's 31, his friends are married, he wants to be too.  In the back of the journal he gifted Des, he wrong a poem to her in invsible ink.  This season and the GD poems.  He might have something prepared to say to Des and I'm praying to the reality TV gods it is not another poem.  In the battle of next lead guy, Juan Pablo has gotta be the frontrunner.

Desiree comes out in a sparkly dress to face all the dudes she dumped.  Turns out Des really hated Jonathan and considered him "a disgrace to men" which is a pretty impressive diss (he apologizes).  As for Ben, she felt his comments becomes more insincere and more about winning and impressing her than being real.  She feels he put on a persona, but also felt her keeping Michael regardless of his poor behavior was an odd choice. James is hurt by Des believing the accusations that he was thinking ahead of getting lead-man ass instead of her.  She firmly believes she was being manipulated by James.  The most hatemail came from dumping Juan Pablo, who just wishes he got a one-one-one date (that's because he wasn't a dramatic character for producers).  Desiree wasn't sure if Zak hid behind a smile and might not be the right match, but thankfully he has another song for us to endure.  Nothing better than an awkward "I'm moving on" serenade by your ex.

And then there's BLOOPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  America's favorite pastime EVER!!!!!!!!  Man is it epic.  Mispronunciations! Broken lights! Bugs!  I can't even recap it because I'm keeling over with laughter, wiping tears from my face and keyboard for the funniest things I've seen in my entire life.

Next week in the ultra shocking two-part season finale: "unlike anything we've ever seen before." Helicopters! Heartbreak! Halo engagement ring?