July 4, 2013

Big Brother 15: Welcome Houseguests, Goodbye Summer Productivity!

7/04/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 1
Welcome houseguests!  Julie Chen sends sixteen new houseguests group-by-group into the Big
Brother 15 house after a long package of video introductions (to summarize: they're all dopes, that's why they're on this show).  The house has gotten a nice makeover with bright colors, a spa-inspired bathroom, and a new kitchen layout.  Everyone rushes to dibs beds and since they're always short on space some people are gonna be spooning.  Soon the HGs gather in the living room to introduce themselves, scope out the hotness, and lie about what they really do (specifically Helen whose career is in politics).

The first HOH competition of the summer is to hold onto a popsicle stick hanging from above and rotating around.  So it's the same shit we always see just like super low-end popsicle interpretations.  Soon they're being molested by a big fake tongue spitting water and paint at them.  While observing Elissa from the sidelines, Judd realizes that the reason she looks familiar is because she looks like former Big Brother winner Rachel Reilly.  It's her sister.  That'll be decent blackmail material for about one day.  Julie offers an incentive to drop: there's two lunchboxes and in one there's a Never Not Pass, which means for the entire summer you will never have to be a Have Not.  David drops out and picks the lunchbox with no prize.  Jeremy falls and wins the Never Not Pass, leaving McCrae and Nick as the last two hanging.  They strike a deal for McCrae to win HOH and not nominate (or backdoor) Nick.  My pick to win is the first HOH- things are maybe looking good.

Julie comes onto the TV to announce the first twist of the season.  The Head of Household (HOH) will nominate two people for eviction each week.  The twist?  There will be three nominees this season.  Every week, America will vote for a MVP based on who they think is playing the best game.  The MVP remains a total secret to the house, except the MVP, getting to nominate essentially in secret.  No one in the house knows the MVP and they get to nominate with just some secret blood on their hands.  Awesome game-changing twist.  Sorry floaters and annoying jerks, 'Murica ain't gonna vote for you.  The house reels at this news, especially at it being anonymous and having to kiss everyone's ass instead of just the HOH. 

Nick creates and forms an alliance of himself, Jeremy, Howard, Spencer, and McCrae which is a good mix for all competitions.  Named the Moving Company, their first topic of discussion: who to nominate?  David is a physical threat but an empty void in the head.  Two girls might work to make the house implode right away.  And while some game hard, others are there just to get a little summer action.  The girls giggle obvious nicknames for their house crushes, then Aaryn and David start flirting right away and pair up as an alliance.  David admits that he didn't come for the prize at all but a showmance, so I've officially written him off (oh and because Aaryn is a raging racist a-hole on the feeds).  Jessie has crushes on any guy that gives her the time of day.

The house competes in their first Have or Have Not competition because it's always fun to deprive people of food so that they're miserable to watch for a week.  The backyard is transformed into an outdoor campsite at Lake Big Brother complete with squirrel figurines wearing wigs.  The game "Cooler and the Gang" has teams crossing across the fake lake in an inner tube to retrieve beer cans from a big fake cooler, then stacking the cans into a pyramid while balancing the beers on the platform.  Well this is slightly different than other challenges, for once. The blue team completes their pyramid first, leaving yellow and red to battle each other after each team's pyramid collapses.  The red team comprised of Judd, Helen, Andy, Howard, and Elissa end up a the first Have Nots.  Along with no food their "beds" are airplane seats.

To keep the house cool week one and not raise to many flags, Amanda suggests to McCrae he should take out the least liked this week as opposed to big threats.  Elissa comes up to the HOH to admit to McCrae she is Rachel Reilly's sister, as the house has gossiped/speculated.  McCrae, as a fan of the show, likes the idea of working with Elissa but the thing is the house hates her, especially her hiding her family secret.  McCrae ends up making the easier choice and nominating Candice and Jessie, the least popular in the house.

Jessie takes her nomination well.  Candice... not so much. As everyone in the house obviously guesses, Rachel's fanbase votes Elissa as MVP who now gets to name a third nominee.  Elissa confides in McCrae and wants his input on a nominee so he suggests David, a strong competitor that isn't in McCrae's Moving Company alliance (she'd prefer Nick).  Elissa wants a promise she won't be nominated, but McCrae isn't willing to sacrifice his game for her and she might have to be a veto replacement nominee.  Right before picking veto players, David is nominated anonymously by MVP Elissa, a move she hopes will spare her being nominated.  The house is pretty surprised, especially David, who gets cranky with better-edit-than-she-deserves Aaryn who makes this nomination about herself. McCrae tells Amanda the truth, who then corrals everyone into the HOH room to lay into Elissa.  Note to self: don't tell stupid people you're related to Gisele Bunchen if they're too stupid to know pop culture.

McCrae, David, Jessie, Candice, Elissa, and Howard are the competitors in this week's veto competition.  The backyard is a big bakery with a pool of honey to crawl through before going into a tub of batter to retrieve blueberry letters to spell the longest word they can.  The host is some celebrity chef whose name I forget but is on The Next Great American Baker which I watch weekly.  So it's a sloppy competition rehash which we've seen a million times before and I immediately shout "TECHNOTRONICS!" in my head (and on Twitter).  David sets a record for being slow and not spelling a single word.  Elissa seems to have taken the lead from Howard ("SAILING") but "POTROASTS" but it's two words, not one.  McCrae who was supposedly throwing the competition wins with "DELIVERY."

Elissa cries over losing the veto and tries to plea with McCrae.  He'd like her as an ally but there's fourteen other people who would not be pleased with sparing her.  Even likes to idea of using Elissa's MVP to their advantage and taking out David.  But McCrae fears the wrath of all the rest of the house.  He uses the veto to take Candice off the block and name Elissa the replacement nominee.  However Elissa is not the intended target: it's surfer dope David.

As a first week passes the Have Nots get their torture embargo lifted and get to eat and drink at midnight.  The house plans to leave the wine in the fridge so everyone can drink together at midnight, except Aaryn is thirsty at 11PM you guyssssss.  So Jeremy takes the bottle of red into the bedroom for him, Kaitlin, David and Aaryn to secretly drink.  Come midnight there's no booze and disappointment and resentment looms.  Aaryn doesn't like the dirty looks eventhough she imbibed the drank, so she has to stir trouble, but Jeremy admits to the house that he opened the bottle and bring the complaints to him, not others.  It leads to a loud argument that makes Helen cry.  Who doesn't love booze crying?

Speaking of Jeremy, he's embarking on a showmance with Kaitlin, sucking face around the house.  Amanda and McCrae are bunking together in the HOH room and this leads to some smooching too.   Aaryn and David continue being overconfident around the house in his safety and do little work to campaign, so sure that Elissa's out.  But the house is turning as it becomes a strategy to align with Elissa who could potentially get MVP each week, thus controlling one nominee each week regardless of which alliance is in power.  Everyone is down with the plan to take out the threat because eventhough he's shit for brains, David's got physical strength in comps.

The time comes to vote and I'm digging the enthusiastic audience who boo and cheer the early votes (then are later silenced).  Any votes for David are met with roaring cheers, while Elissa votes get booed.  Julie reveals the results of voting: David is blindsided with seven votes to evict him.  His alliance members are shocked and crying.  It's hilarious because it's week one.  David thinks he's pretty smart (ha!) and likable and would've got a lot of votes in the end.  The good news is he didn't give a shit about winning anyways, he just wanted a showmance, so he got that much.  Free this beach bum and drop him in the ocean.  In the goodbye videos Nick reveals the secret Moving Company alliance and Amanda says he's out because he partnered with the biggest bitch on the show.

This first week of Big Brother wraps up with the Head of Household competition.  In pairs, houseguests have to use a measuring cup to move barbeque sauce from one big vat to fill a jug.  There's also a small jug you can fill first to release bigger measuring cups to fill the big sucker faster.  And of course the track is covered in slippery Crisco.  Ah recycled competitions, it's what we fans all look forward too.  Who will be the next HOH?  How will these HGs torture us another week on feeds while CBS pretends all is fine and dandy in their edits?  Stay tuned!

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