January 28, 2013

The Bachelor: Only One Pity Rose Per Episode

1/28/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
The Bachelor - Week 4

100lb Selma is Sean's first date of the week and he whisks her off on a private jet to the desert, specifically Joshua Tree National Park.  And despite her boasts of Iraqi heritage, Selma doesn't do well in the heat and terrified of the day ahead.  Better fake it til you make it, hun!  On top of hating the heat, the outdoors, and physical activity, Selma is afraid of heights making their rock climbing date even more of a delight.  Thankfully the two make it to the top safely and there isn't another 127 Hours situation on the world's hands.  Dinner that night is at this RV park with themed little trailers.  It's a cute little place that I wonder if it's for real or if the show set it up.  This is truly the dullest date ever, to the point I can't even snark because it's boring. Sean explains why he's still single (didn't want to commit in the past) and Selma talks about her strict Arabic family and they probably won't enjoy her kissing on TV.  Sean really wants to kiss, but Selma explains she can't kiss him because of her beliefs.  Selma gets the rose and Sean's tongue remains in his own mouth for the evening.

Hoping to push someone to the brink of manslaughter, the show sends the group date girls on roller derby date.  Sean wonders who will get aggressive and immediately the world shouts "TIERRA!"  Everyone is falling on their tailbones, including one-armed Sarah who is scared and not sure she can partake cause you know, one arm.  Sean comforts and encourages Sarah so she gives it a try.  Bitchy Amanda takes the approach of intimidation until she face plants onto her jaw.  Amanda is taken to the hospital with a potentially broken jaw, but the date must go on!  There's no awesome violent derby but instead a corny free skate.  This episode gets more boring by the minute.

The rollerskates are swapped for six inch heals and a rooftop pool party- yesss.  Sean tells one-armed Sarah how amazing she did skating.  Amanda returns with her jaw in-tact but fully intends to play the sympathy card to get ahead with Sean.  He gives her a chin kiss (no tongue).  Tierra continues to be nails on a chalkboard, bickering with Robyn and claiming she's a big girl but gets overdramatic, demands to leave, pouts like a child, and blames it on the others.  "I can't be tortured like this!!"  Sean, meanwhile, is busy making out with that crazy bride chick and making hot tub plans.  Tierra interrupts the walk to the hot tub and cries more to Sean because she's clearly not made to be on this polygamy show.  But she doesn't leave, of course, and Sean gives her the rose.  See people, it pays to be an attention-seeking drama queen.

Date #3 is for Leslie H and comes with some pear-drop diamond earrings to wear on their date.  Sean takes Leslie shopping on Rodeo Drive, which is apparently everyone's dream.  Leslie is so excited to live out her favorite movie, Pretty Woman, because yet again everyone forgets Richard Gere buys whatever the PROSTITUTE wants.  After a new dress, heels, and purse, a tux'd up Sean brings her over to Neil Lane to borrow a big-ass 120 karat diamond necklace.  An elegant dinner for two is set up at the Bradbury which seems to be maybe an old bank or something.  Sean keeps the romance flowing, asking about Leslie's past relationships, dreams for family, and ultimately her fracture parents.  Yup, Sean loves the conversation with her but something is missing and that's his desire to sloppily kiss her.  The bad news is Leslie gets friend-zoned and dumped.  And she misses out on a private concert by some rando performer!  The good news is she can keep the diamond earrings!  Wined, dined, showered in riches, and then dumped?  Just like the original intended ending of Pretty Woman.

Sean kicks off the cocktail party explaining his dumping of Leslie and requests them to ask questions when they have doubt.  Robyn practices her best pickup line on Sean, asking which chocolate he'd prefer to taste.  He declines the candy for her.  Tierra worries the other girls will tattle on her being an overdramatic demon, so she apologizes to Robyn and Jackie who kinda take accept it but also point out she's miserable to be around.  Tierra moans to Sean about how hard life in the house is and everyone picks on her, claiming she's not a person who thrives on drama.  Once again the season lead is smitten with the psycho hose beast and jaded by the facade he sees.  Catherine flirts with Sean, who was worried she was friend-zoning him, and they end up sneaking off for a sloppy kiss.  But soon Chris Harrison clinks the glass to end the party and gets to tha dumpin'.  Sean gives a cornball speech about the amazing week and getting deeply invested and blah blah, let's get to the heart crushing.  Sean can only commit to one pity rose a week, and he dumps Amanda and her bruised jaw.

Next Week on The Bachelor: two episodes of Tierra being overdramatic!

January 21, 2013

The Bachelor: Sean Holds the Guiness Record for Dullest Bachelor, Too

1/21/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
The Bachelor - Week 3

The first date card arrives for Lesley M, who you may remember as the first recipient of a sloppy Sean tongue kiss.  Lesley leaves her packaged suitcase by the door in a lingering shot of possible foreshadowing.  Sean bring Lesley to the Guiness World Records museum, which is probably the realest date ever because a guy would take you to such a weird place for a first date.  Turns out Sean's dad is a Guiness Record holder for driving through all 48 states in the shortest amount of time.  Not to be overshadowed by dad, Sean has a plan to set his own record: longest [sloppy] on-screen kiss.  The time to beat is 3:15 and my assumption is porn holds this title, or really hope because that's a lot of wasted plot-time.  If watching two people make out on TV for three minutes isn't weird enough, a crowd of creepy gawkers cheers them along.  Even worse are the voiceovers from Sean and Lesley saying it's the best day ever, so full of chemistry- painful.  The two spend the evening sipping champs under the stars on top of the Roosevelt Hotel.    There's some talking and eventually the return of Sean's tongue once Lesley initiates a kiss.  Man he goes sloppy fast.  Lesley receives the rose, and I've been proven wrong by the suitcast shot.

Twelve ladies meet Sean at the beach for a day of hanging out and "throwing the football, the frisbee" while ogling Sean's shirtless bod.  Chris Harrison shows up to ruin the fun (in jeans and a button-up, no less) to force the ladies into a volleyball game.  Both teams should get sent home because they are horrible and it seems like the game takes hours to complete.  But the winning team gets more Sean time, while the losers get shoved in a van back home to cry.  The winning girls get to party at Sean's rented house, where more girls use the line about wanting to marry their best friend and saying they're deep.  Sean lays a huge sloppy kiss on Lindsay AKA that crazy broad who wore a wedding dress night one.  Another smaller batch of kisses to Des, who destroyed fake priceless art last week.  Bitchy Amanda puts on a smile for Sean, but the girls all think she's a creeper that might not be there for the right reasons.  Kacie B decides to take on the strategy that always gets you eliminated: tattling on the girl not there for the right reasons and other girls' drama.  C'mon Kacie, you've been on this show before. You know the buttinsky is never appreciated, proven by Sean getting defensive and questioning why she even cares.  The group date rose goes to Lindsay because Sean enjoyed swapping spit with her, forgetting the fact that her first impression was as a looney girl in a wedding gown.

Sean comes to pick up AshLee, the adopted personal organizer, for their solo date and instead finds a quiet Tierra sitting on the stairs.  Minutes later there was a plopping noise of her falling down the staircase, which made me chuckle.  Sean worries it's a concussion so calls an ambulance and the EMTs maaaaybe overreact by putting her in a neckbrace and on a stretcher.  Tierra shares my sentiments and whines about it being unnecessary, while the house whines she's a faker to do anything for Sean's attention.  Dramaz.

Eventually AshLee and Sean head off on their one-on-one date for a day at Six Flags Magic Mountain.  The whole park is shut down for them (no lines!!) but a charitable Sean invites two sick girls who bonded online and are meeting for the first time in person. Online friends meeting for the first time?  CATFISH.  It's a true honest, actually sweet moment of this show and surely making their day.  Sean is really impressed with AshLee's compassion and bond with the girls.  The "best day ever" ends with a private concert by Sean's alleged favorite band, the Eli Young Band.  How come the lead always likes shitty country?  The girls leave and Sean gets some alone time with AshLee to talk about family, marriage, adoption, etc.  AshLee's openness and honesty earns her a rose from Sean.

The cocktail party after what seems like the longest episode ever begins.  Sean wants one-armed Sarah to know he doesn't forget about her and brings her a surprise: her adorable French Bulldog.  Sean gives Tierra some reassurance to be patient for time together, then she gets pissy when Des interrupts their time, so she interrupts Des back.  No one appreciates Tierra stealing more time, so then Lesley M interrupts, who is interrupted by another, then another.  Every wants a shot at the sloppy tongue.  Kacie B apologizes for being that nosy girl who gets into other people's drama and then blabs about it... until AshLee and Selma interrupt.    So many interruptions how will we ever figure out who is going home?!

Oh yeah, the rose ceremony.  Sean is of course more confident now that he'll find the person to spend the rest of his life (or eight months) with.  Before Sean hands out his first rose, he pulls Kacie B outside to dump her and save her the torture of a rose ceremony. Friend zoned and maybe even too early for us to care about her potentially becoming The Bachelorette.  Sean returns to the ceremony and explains to the ladies that Kacie has gone home cause he dumped her so nicely outside.  Left roseless this week is Kristy the model (but hey, you got that Harlequin cover deal!) and health club manager Taryn. 

Next week: Sean tastes the chocolate.  Tierra throws more tantrums.

January 14, 2013

The Bachelor: Tacky Hos Are a Dime a Dozen

1/14/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 2

As Sean shirtless exercises to the desire to find a fiance, Chris Harrison brings the first date card to the mansion.  The first solo date of the season goes to Sarah, the one-armed girl, and it's the first helicopter date of the season!!  H.R.E.A.M., y'all!!!  The helicopter lands on the roof of a skyscraper for their extreme date of freefalling off the building.  Listen I'm trying to avoid comments about the one arm but this show is making it hard.  The two hold hands and fly down the side of the building towards their doom, but thankfully they don't die and instead enjoy champagne while picking their massive wedgies.  Night falls and they share a romantic rooftop hotel dinner and drinks and this date has every showate cliche shoved into one experience.  It becomes clear why Sarah got picked by producers (I mean Sean) for the extreme date, as she tried to zipline as a kid and they said no because of her arm.  Sarah gets the rose and a close mouthed kiss from Sean (a relief to me).  Already Sarah is falling in love with Sean and I'm rolling my eyes.

Date card #2 is for a big ol' group date to "capture the romance."  In Bachelor world that means a sexy photoshoot for Harlequin romance novel covers with Sean.  If you're not here for the right reasons this is a great date for you because the girl with the best chemistry will be on three actual covers sold at your local supermarket.  Hello, lame attempts at fame!  The girls pose with Sean in various corny themes like cowgirls, vampires, sexy, and historical.  I have never hated reading so much in my life.  Everyone gets jealous when Sean and Lesley M. have a quick photographer encouraged kiss.  Tierra the season bitch makes sure to get a kiss in so the house can continue to have more reasons to hate her.  Professional model Kristy wins the three book cover deal for getting handsy and domineering with Sean, so at least when she gets dumped she'll have won something.

The girls trade in their low-rent costumes for their low-rent cocktail dresses for a poolside party (not on a rooftop).  I'm wondering if they hijacked this house as the rooms seem to have no lighting whatsoever.  Sean and Lesley avoid kissing thanks to non sequiturs, so Lesley interrupts a different girl's alone time to get that kiss.  And yes I saw a little of Sean's tongue.  Sean comes to grips with moving returning castmember Kacie B out of the friendzone; she drunk cackles about dreams of roses to come.  Other discoveries: Catherine is a vegan who likes the beef (the beef being Sean's muscles), Selma likes the way Sean says "mah wife," and Tierra is mopey.  Sean senses her bad mood and pulls her aside to chat, which is the usual "I'm not used to dating a guy with 25 other girlfriends."  Frizzy haired Katie isn't feeling the experience and setting of competing to date a guy, so she leaves and Sean obliges. 'Cause she woulda got cut anyways.  The group date rose goes to Kacie B for taking a chance and following Sean out to the show.  Tierra pouts.

The final date card, written in the handwriting of a 19 year old college girl, goes to Desiree.  Chris Harrison and Sean are quite the pranksters and set Des up to take the fall for destroying a piece of (fake) expensive art at a (fake) gallery. Mental anguish, LOL!  The producers fake pull Sean away and him and Chris Harrison sneak into another room to laugh at her misfortune.  Sean lets it last for barely a minute before interrupting and ending the joke.  Thank god because it's unbearably unfunny.  They ditch the fake art show to have dinner and drinks at Sean's rental house.  They talk about how wonderfully in love their parents still are, the desire to have a best friend, and then get into the swimmies to sip champs and have corny love talk in the hot tub.  Within one day Des has apparently seen every side to Sean, which proves how little depth he has, and gives her a rose.  Then they makeout in the pool cause they're feelin' each other... literally.

Sean arrives the mansion for the cocktail party and desperate attempts for a rose of acceptance.  Crazy wedding dress girl apologizes for being a drunk dork the first night and the mutual need to marry their best friend.  Drink whenever someone talks about wanting to marry their best friend!  Robyn, a black girl, is really wondering what Sean's type is because no one knows if he's actually attracted to black women or if the show is just trying to make good from that lawsuit.  Sean says he honestly doesn't have a physical type and moreso a personality; he's dated Persian, Hispanic, and Black.  He even learns a little bit of Arabic from Selma.  Sean is just a melting pot of culture!  But the positivity of the night is brought down by a dark cloud of moping by the name of Amanda.  And when Sean grabs her she is pure smiles and phony as can be.  Guys she's not here for the right reasons!

The champagne glass is clinked and the time has come for the rose ceremony.  Only two ladies will get dumped tonight, but Sean is sure his wife is here.  Sourpuss Amanda gets the last rose of the night (likely from a producer nudge), surprising all.  Leaving the mansion is Brooke (leaving two black women in the house) and single mom Diana.

Next week on The Bachelor: longest onscreen kiss world record attempt!  Look out for Sean's tongue!

January 8, 2013

The Bachelor: 50 Shades of National Television Embarassment

1/08/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
New Season! The Bachelor - Week 1

It's time for another season of The Bachelor- are you ready for my snark?  Of course you are.  Panning through the field of Emily the Bachelorette's exes, they chose sloppy kissing dullard Sean as their lead.  I know I'm in the minority on this, but I'm not a Sean person; he's just not my type.  Sean was crushed by being dumped by Emily but "God still has another plan for [him]" and that plan was for Sean to date 25 women at once and make-out with as many of them as possible.  Being the lead is exhausting, so Sean takes the time to exercise shirtless to chisel his abs more (so we won't pay attention to his personality).  Sean can't wait to love, protect and honor "his woman" and be that rock (and yes he says this while standing on a rock cause, y'know, deep symbolism).  Sean's hopeful to find the love of his life and propose one time in his life because clearly he's seen how successful this show is...

In his Bachelor prep time (which apparently includes all the mise en place for the strawberries you put in champagne glasses), his buddy from last season Arie makes a surprise visit.  The laugh about elimination HA HA HA the same girl crushed our hearts and talk about the healing process.  Sean practices how he'll say "Will you accept this rose?", role plays dumping a girl, and gets kissing tips from Arie.  Yes, kissing tips because the ladies loved Arie and Sean was a gross tonguey mess.

What kind of nutters will be obsessing over Sean?  Roll the contestant video package!  Vying for that Neil Lane engagement ring is a wedding dress designer, a girl who got her heart broken twice who gets fake excited about Sean, a single mom with two kids, and even some black women because this show will deny that racism lawsuit buuuut yeah, I think they learned.  One woman wants to re-enact 50 Shades of Gray with Sean and I'm wondering if she knows anything of this kind-mannered fella that probably isn't big on S&M.  An adopted girl who bounced through the foster care system is a personal organizer for a living and the first to cry in the interviews.  Oh and a girl with one arm; that's a first!

With a montage of ladies done, accordion-hand host Chris Harrison welcomes Sean on the slicked down driveaway.  A good luck shake of hands and Chris heads inside to get wasted while the limos of future exes of Sean step out of the limos.  Second girl out Jackie plants a big red lipsticked kiss on Sean's cheek and the third girl uses her stuffed bra to wipe off that lipstick.  Ew?  "Cruise ship entertainer" Kelly from Nashville wins the prize for fakest tan (and corniest song).  Bachelor Pad 3 Paige gets another chance to get a rose (and a smaller chance at STDs) by joining the cast of this show.  Best entrance: a girl who falls while doing a back handspring to impress Sean.  Cutest idea: Desiree who suggests tossing coins into the fountain to make a wish.  Craziest broad is substitute teacher Lindsay who shows up in a wedding dress AND kisses Sean.  She is not at all unbalanced.  The surprise of the night is tiny tan brunette Tierra, who shows Sean her unfinished heart tattoo, gets a first impression rose without even entering the house.  The other girls are instantly jealous.  The last limo exit is a surprise: Kacie B, the nice girl from Ben's season, and she wants a second chance.  Maybe they dated before?  I don't know but when Sean says "I wonder what the other girls will think" I think we all know the answer: YOUSKANKASSWHOREWHYAREYOUBACKITSNOTFAIR!!!

Sean is finally able to come into the warmth of the mansion to begin his immersion in the largest polygamist dating setting.  While he gets time alone with each girl, the girls spend their non-Sean time shit-talking each other.  Kacie B and Sean apparently hung out awhile back at some Bachelor cesspool party and hit it off, so she's hoping to explore the chemistry.  Sean chats more with Desiree, the coin toss girl, and she's a wedding dress designer and he likes her and gives her a rose before the ceremony too.  GASP!  Another first impression rose?  Nope, he's handing out Sean-likes-rose-ceremony-be-damned-roses and he starts handing them out throughout the night to the ladies he likes.  This also makes for some fantastic awkward moments where Sean has one-on-one time and doesn't extend a rose, making them sweat it out 'til the ceremony.  Wedding dress girl realizes she might've made a blunder with her awful gag.  Speaking of gags, 50 Shades Ashley P gets super drunk and makes an ass of herself (Sean shows the sign of being kinda funny when he says he brought a rape whistle).  One-armed Sarah fears a life of forever alone-ness but once she has alone time with Sean she, of course, gets a rose.

Chris Harrison clinks his butter knife to a champagne glass to call this cocktail party to an end.  Half the girls are smooth sailing to week two, but the others have to endure the torture of the awkward pause filled rose ceremony.  It's a boring parade of roses to the obvious women, but Sean blows my mind when he does give a rose to the nutjob who showed up in a wedding dress thinking it would be cute.  Sean, you high.  Eliminated night one: some randos, Bachelor Pad 3 Paige, overtan cruise entertainer, black Southern belle model, and that 50 Shades of drunk girl.

This season on The Bachelor: girls being catty, global makeout sessions, and helicopters!!

January 1, 2013

About Mel Got Served

1/01/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served
Mel Got Served is a blog dedicated to recapping reality TV shows.  From  Survivor to The Bachelor to Big Brother, Mel provides humorous recaps of  your favorite reality shows.

Founder Melissa Sullivan started her blog as a creative outlet to snark on her favorite things: reality TV, pop culture, movies, and even more TV. She is currently a contributor at Beamly covering Big Brother and other TV and movie related fun. Previously Melissa was a contributor at DigBoston with her weekly How You Queuin' feature, exploring the great content available for streaming on Netflix, Hulu, and more.

People always ask, "Wait, what does Mel Got Served mean?" Well it's a combination of my nickname + one of the best dance movies ever: You Got Served. So no, I've never been sued - I just have a love for dance movies.

Is there a show you'd like to see recapped? Tweet your suggestions to @melgotserved or send an email to melissa at melgotserved.com.