February 28, 2013

Reality Rundown: No One Peed on the Rice

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - It's another leg in Bora Bora and all the build-up in time doesn't matter a lot since water taxis don't begin until 7am (and the first team departs at 2:15 am).  Jessica and Jon tell second place team Dave and Connor that they'll give them the Express Pass, as promised, but urges them to keep that alliance secret because they want the other teams to kiss ass.  And kiss ass the other teams do.  The only teams not equalized by the water taxi are the quitters from last week, who had to take a four hour penalty for skipping the Roadblock.  They end up being only an hour and a half behind (major eyeroll to equalizers).

Fresh off the water taxis, the teams bolt to a chapel to receive a blessing and their first clue.  It's a Detour to either harvest pearls or construct an underwater picnic at the bottom of the sea.  Most teams opt to harvest the big fake red pearls instead of wearing the big oxygen helmets.  The twin OBGYNs can't swim, so having a Detour that makes them swim either way is troublesome and argue about taking the six hour quitter penalty.  Maybe they should've just set the damn table to begin with because it's painful to watch, especially when last week's losers (Max/Katie, Caroline/Jen) pass them.

After the Detour, the teams take jet skiis and a shitty child made map to find Motu Tapu, the most photographed isle in the South Pacific.  Once there they encounter a Roadblock to kick a coconut across the beach while wearing stilts.  This challenge goes remarkably fast for some, which ends in a foot race to be team #1.  Suddenly Dave the dad yells that he's ruptured his Achilles, which is the worst thing ever.  Bates and Andy, the hockey guys, are team #1 and win a trip to London.  Max/Katie and Caroline/Jen make an impressive comeback and pass best friends Pam and Winnie, who struggled at the Detour and Roadblock.  They check in as team #9, so Idries and Jamil the twin OBGYNs are eliminated from the race.  Moral of the story: read clues more to know there is usually a non-swimming option. Or learn to swim.

Survivor: Caramoan - Reynold and Shamar get into another row since Reynold is pissed his alliance got screwed.  Eventhough Reynold is the one who got hosed, Shamar is the one going the most crazy.  Screaming and shouting in people's faces for no reason.  Reynold and Eddie know they are screwed numbers wise, but Shamar's tantrums might catch up to him and the tribe might snap.  Sherri begs Shamar to simma down now.  Shamar doesn't want to be this season's angry black man and wants to quit, opening up about his past battle with alcoholism and experiencing combat.  But his tribe talks him into staying, saying he's sticking around for loyalty.  Ugh, please.

Over at Bikal (the faves), Phillip continues to play up to the cameras, but Cochran loves it because it's like living in the 8pm Survivor episode instead of just playing the game.  Corinne and Malcolm find the hidden immunity idol and now are paired up.  Where did they find it? IN A TREE HOLE.  Way to hide it, staff.  Cochran and Andrea don't know where Corinne's loyalties lie, and notice her bond with Malcolm, and would love to get her out.  If Corinne's out, Brandon has been elected to take her place in Stealth (he's skeptical).  Brandon lets us know that if they plan to take him out he'll pee in the rice, pee in the beans, and burn down the shelter. Dear god please do this.

This week's immunity challenge is another mix of land and sea.  The teams need to scale a cage in the sea, together carrying/pushing a treasure chest across the ocean floor, onto a track, and carrying the chest to the victory platform.  Along with immunity, comfort comes with the prize in the form of a tarp, chair, blanket and pillows.  Oooh a pillow, mama like.  The favorites make it over the cage first, but the fans are close behind.  The fans are able to undo the knots, taking a slight lead before the favorites follow suit.  Once to the beach, the teams and tied and it's pretty exciting. In a close and tense battle the favorites pull out another victory, leaving the fans to self destruct a smidge more.

The Gota tribe return to camp for a post-mortem on their performance and - shocker- Shamar gets pissed that no one gave him goggles.  It's childish behavior, the kind of shit no one should put up with but they will because Shamar is strong and a number.  Laura fears her position because she sucks at challenges, so the ideal choice would be Reynold/Eddie's other girl, Hope.  They need the guys for challenges, but they worry about the idol so suggest splitting the votes just in case (three for Eddie, three for Hope).  Sherri requests Shamar shut his mouth, which he promptly ignores and hints to Hope some ideas to turn on her guys.  Word gets back that Shamar blabbed the entire plan to Hope, shocking his alliance.  Laura's fed up and whispers to Reynold that she can get Julia to flip and they'll take out Shamar.

Tribal time!  Probst wants to know if there was any drama after last Tribal Council because he loves obvious answers.  Shamar claims he's the scapegoat and everyone lies about him.  Hope outs Shamar's earlier conversation where he said she'd be going home unless she considered turning on her alliance.  Everyone's tired of Shamar's shouting tantrums.  Only Sherri seems to get Shamar but it's because she's used to being around jerky kids.  Hope, Eddie and Reynold are definitely going Shamar, especially since Eddie and Reynold have been delegated to a no-talking list from Shamar.  Jeff tallies the votes and reads the results: a three way tie between Hope, Eddie and Shamar.  REVOTE!  Hope, Eddie and Shamar sit out while the rest of the tribe revotes on those three.  Jeff retallies the votes and Hope gets eliminated.

February 25, 2013

The Bachelor: Sean's Ready to Thai the Knot

2/25/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 8
Sean and his final three women are whisked across the globe to Thailand for their sexy overnight dates.  But before the lovin' Sean needs to wear a tank and pose around the resort, then recall all his past time with the three.  Like being nerdy with Catherine, AshLee being full of sad backstories, and that Lindsay might've been insane night one.  Fast forward!

First up is Lindsay, who meets up with Sean at the Si Kao Resort and Spa to try something they've never tried before which I guess means pedicab with a weird sidecar.  Sean's idea of a hot date is trying the local food at a Thai market which means eating eating bugs, everyone's favorite multi-cultural pastime.  But hey at least he showed off his poor haggling skills to buy smoothies!  They eventually make their way to Monkey Beach with a bag of food, ideally for a monkey to kick one in the gullet and steal the whole bag of fruit.  As the sun sets the two go in for the picturesque makeout shot.  The date continues with a romantic dinner in front of these exquisite traditional Thai parade floats.  Sean and Lindsay talk about their potential life together: a house, an engagement.  Damn dude careful before you really crush a chick.  Just as Lindsay is about to tell Sean she love him they get interrupted by some Thai dancers like an episode of Four Weddings.  Post-performance Sean whips out the fantasy suite letter, which she gladly accepts.  Sean talks about how he could see Lindsay being his best friend, which is what he wants in a life partner, and Lindsay admits she's loves him.  Makeout time in the fantasy suite!

Sean next takes AshLee out for a day out sea with the wind whipping through their hair.  The boat stops at their own private beach, but to get there they'll have to swim through a dark cave.  This cues up the millionth metaphor about abandonment and hoping Sean won't leave her to die in a cave.  Sean leads the way with AshLee and her floaty grabbing him for support.  No surprise, they survive the cave and begin their day at the beach with a bunch of new metaphors for love and trust.  AshLee is excited for the romantic dinner, but a little apprehensive about the fantasy suites and him sharing the suites with others (and maybe getting sexy in there).  AshLee loves Sean but doesn't want to compromise her morals in the process.  Sean eases her mind by explaining this suite is just a place for them to stay up all night, talking, without cameras up in their grill.  And so of course AshLee accepts because she trusts Sean, and it's a pretty crappy suite considering the couch area looks exactly like the mansion back in LA.  AshLee tells Sean the important things, like her ring size and her desire for a cushion cut ring with a diamond band.  Good taste, AshLee.

It's another day out on the water, this time with Catherine and riding a junk boat (romance!)  Catherine makes a Titanic "I'm the queen of the world!" shoutout and I might have to dock her two cool points.  Sean sees potential with Catherine, being his best friend and living in Dallas, but worries she might not be able to make that move.  But she is ready for a commitment and real relationship, particularly with Sean.  The boat docks so that they can jump into the ocean, snorkel and makeout in the rain on a ship.  Their evening leads to a romantic dinner inside a nice little house with a tropical view, which is shocking as I expected another sandy dinner on the beach.  Catherine says that eventhough she's quirky she's actually quite traditional in relationships.  Sean tells Catherine he can see himself marrying her, which is a pretty bold declaration.  Her hesitance comes from the fantasy suites as well, which she initially planned to decline so she wasn't viewed as a slut.  But she accepts the card because she knows it's not about being physical but rather more time to be together.  Catherine bored me, but re-wins me over when she giggles to Sean that he's a hunk.

With thirty minutes to spare, we get a little shirtless Sean pondering time before enduring a Sean and Chris Harrison one-on-one.  But going into this rose ceremony, Sean seems to clearly know the exact person he will be dumping and knowing that he doesn't see anything further than a little touchy feeley in the fantasy suites.  As we're reminded, Sean got dumped at final three so he understands crappy time.  Sean confesses to Chris Harrison he is indeed in love but with who? That's the secret.  Until then, video messages from the women spilling their feelings potentially one last time.  The rain pours in Thailand as each woman arrives with a crappy souvenir umbrella to cover her.  Sean comes out to the ceremony, only two roses on the dish.  Those two roses become the property of Lindsay and Catherine (after the longest pause ever), meaning AshLee has been abandoned.  And she ain't happy.  Sean tries to give a little explanation but she's just pissed and ready for the SUV ride to the airport.

Next week: the women tell all!  And by that I mean shit on Tierra more.

February 21, 2013

Reality Rundown: Survivor Is No Place For Tight Pants

New! The Amazing Race 22 - I realized maybe I should number these seasons because there's so damn many and no cool subtitle like Survivor.  Who will be running the race this season? A married couple with a mulleted husband, professional hockey player brothers, twin OBGYNs, roller derby moms, newlyweds (three weeks), father/son cancer survivors, YouTube hosts, firefighters best friends, regular best friends, country singers, and the standard dating couple.  The eleven teams meet up with Phil Keoghan (who I think is not a robot, but a cylon) so begin the journey around the world.  This season's twist is the winner of the first leg wins an Express Pass and a bonus Express Pass to give to another team.  The teams get the go-ahead and race to their bags and product placement Ford cars for their clue.

First stop: Bora Bora.  Five teams are able to get on flight #1, which arrives one hour before the rest of the pack.  While waiting for the connecting flight, the first flight group make a pact that the first place teams gives the Express Pass to the second place team to alleviate the stress and fights that could come.  Off the plane, teams embark upon their first Road Block: skydive out of a helicopter (HREAM!).  You know I love me a helicopter, and this is a pretty awesome task to begin the race with and an insanely gorgeous view.  This Road Block is followed up by another Road Block: digging out sandcastles to find a clue, but having to rebuild the castle if it's an empty spot.  With the heat bearing down on them and the sand needing to be rewet for a proper sandcastle, the task is more demanding than anticipated.

Jessica and John find the sandcastle clue first, which tells them to assemble a via (canoe) to paddle to the Pit Stop.  Jessica and John, the dating couple, win the first leg and the Expresses Passes.  Will they keep their word to give the extra to team #2?  Not necessarily.  Team #2 are the hockey player brothers, who weren't part of the original alliance.  The father/son check in third, but second from the alliance, so they hope to get the Express Pass they were promised.  Eight teams are checked in, but three are struggling.  The newlyweds recommend all three teams quitting at the same time, taking the four hour penalty, and using the canoe race/race to the mat as the decider of who gets eliminated.  So a bunch of quitter losers head to their lame battle and the overconfident firefighters, who were sure they'd dominate the canoe, are the first team eliminated.

Survivor: Caramoan - Brandon is shocked, nay appalled, that nice Francesca was voted off first for a second time.  He doesn't like that Dawn and Cochran flipped to the other side to eliminate her and gets pissy.  Dawn doesn't like the confrontation and cries alone in the sand.  Brandon isn't crying and inside riled up feeling "revengeful," threatening to go Russell Hantz on the camp and play dirtyyyyyyy to the coooooore.  Until the next morning and he changes his mind and reverts back to being nice.  Brandon would like there to be more transparency in votes so there's no blindsides, so he talks to nutjob Philip who can't say "narcissistic" and basically reiterates Brandon is not to be trusted and will go soon.  Time for Brandon to step up his game before a turd like Philip takes him out.  Also, Philip thinks he's hot shit with his stupid Stealth R Us which breaks the Survivor fourth wall of speaking to the camera in normal time.  But everyone is laughing about it on the side.

The tribes meet for the Immunity Challenge and there's a little laughter amongst the true fans that know Francesca got got twice.  This week's challenge is to pull a raft of tribe members to a platform, then dive under the platform to retrieve rings from the water which are then used in a ring toss.  Last week bean bag toss, this week ring toss.  As my pal Phil said, "Next 12 weeks? PUZZLES."  It's so true.  In addition to immunity, a hefty fishing kit is the reward to the victorious tribe.  The fans are absolutely terrible at releasing the rings underwater, falling way behind the favorites.  The favorites take an early lead but struggle on their third ring toss, which gives the fans some catch-up time.  But ultimately the favorites win immunity, thanks to the ring toss skillz of Malcolm and Philip.  He might be a lunatic, but the man can toss a ring.

Shamar seems the likely candidate for Gota's elimination at Tribal Council.  He's lazy at camp, napping and doing nothing, and when he does do something it's pick fights.  Laziness or not, this is a numbers game and Shamar gets pulled into an alliance of six vs. the lunch table crew (or as I called them, the douchers).  Coming back from the challenge, the tribe is in disarray which leads to Reynold getting pissy at Shamar.  Shamar sees it as a distraction and blame tactic.  Bearded Matt and Michael could possibly swing to the douchers alliance and take out Shamar, but are pondering their options.  Matt suggests to Sherri that maybe they get rid of Shamar just to appease the tribe and still keep the numbers in a 5-4 advantage.  The six decide their votes will go towards Allie.  Reynold, meanwhile, starts scavenging the island for a possible hidden immunity idol and yet again, it's easily found in a tree hole. AGAIN.  Reynold is psyched and stashes that bad boy away, except Laura notices an unusual bulge in Reynold's pocket right before heading to Tribal Council and there isn't time to tell anyone.

The fans get their first welcome to Tribal Council with the ceremonial torch lighting because fire represents your life!  God I love that.  The lunch table crew talk about the instant friendship bond, and some pretend not to care about the foursome while others silently acknowledge it's dangerous.  Shamar attempts to justify his laziness, while also blaming the lack of leadership on the challenge loss.  Reynold gives another Shamar rant, pointing out Shamar sat in the shelter the day before for 19 hours, and Shamar doesn't deny.  A big bomb is dropped when Laura decides to announce that someone had a bulge in their pants before Tribal.  She won't name who but stares at Reynold, so Probst points this out to the tribe.  Reynold comes clean that it is and immunity idol and his pants are too tight.  And then he's like oh I wanted to keep this for the merge to take out the favorites, way to go guys.  Reynold does not play the immunity idol and keeps it in his tight pants for the cool boner effect.  The votes are read and Allie, member of the foursome, is eliminated from the game.

February 19, 2013

The Bachelor: Sean Tells All (The Obvious, Boring Stuff)

2/19/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Sean Tells All

It's the week before the Fantasy Suite dates, or what in past seasons I'd call the bone zone (more of that later).  This special is a one-on-one bro chat between Sean and cylon Chris Harrison to talk about what transpired and his feelings for the three.

Chris talks about the "fan favorites" but how would he know that if this season was mid-airing? Ohhh because it was filmed recently.  Anyways, back to the show.  Sean was given a little warning about Des' brother, but didn't know what was coming and wanted to deck him.  And this altercation did slightly affect his decision to dump Des.  Speaking of dumping people, Chris brings up one-armed Sarah who America loved.  They did?  Not addressing how it was cruel for production to send a one-armed girl to a roller derby date, they talk about the actual dumping.  Sean wanted to take her aside after a lackluster kiss and give her a proper dumping with explanation instead of the rose ceremony heave-ho.  Sean was depressed after seeing her heartbroken TV response, but he and Chris are sure she'll find love (Bachelorette set-up?)  Chris respected Selma's wishes to not kiss on TV, but did still try to circumvent the rules with Eskimo and butterfly kisses.  Sean "appreciated" Selma's kiss but it was too late.  Despite having the world record for longest screen kiss, Sean and Lesley got to be goofy together which is why he liked her.  Unfortunately she was dumped for not expressing herself and had she said something maybe she would've made hometowns.

Talk turns to the biggest topic of the season: Tierra.  Now that he's been able to see the show (wait, I thought this was filmed one day after dumping Des? Revealing your hand, Bachelor!), Sean realizes he was duped.  He finally sees everyone was right, as always, and she was picking fights with everyone.  He says Tierra was not cut out for this show and can't get along with peers.  When will the lead of this show ever listen to the people in the house?  Keeping Tierra around strained his relationship with the other girls, really messing up the house dynamic.  We also find out that Tierra and Robyn's fight actually lasted for hours with all the girls jumping in and Tierra fighting back.  Chris Harrison calls her "a cancer to the other girls" which is a pretty big hyperbole but that's how Chris Harrison roles.

There's nothing America loves more than blooper reals and unseen footage, which we're "treated" to.  The Fifty Shades girl wouldn't stop saying her mom was in love with him (booze will do that to you).  Catherine passed Sean nerdy notes, like pointing out he has hairless arms.  She also bunches herself up so tiny that she can fit into a wheel-well of that snow bus.  Daniella does a mediocre Chris Harrison impression and every giggles, even harder when Chris Harrison interrupts.  HA LOL GOOD TIMES!

Now the juicy stuff.  Next episode in final three it's fantasy suites and viewers love to imagine what's going down in those rooms.  You'll know I fondly call the fantasy suites the Bone Zone.  However, Sean's expectations are a bit different: it's alone time with no cameras, plenty of talking time.  Chris is like hey this is when you should get physical, and Sean's like well I say it's none of your business.  And then I say then don't go on a reality television show.  But Sean is humbled and honored to be in this position and ultimately ready to find his future wife.  The episode ends with a preview of next week's dates and ugh, what a waste of an episode.

Next week on The Bachelor: Thailand! Caves! Titanic references! Declarations of love!  Eating bugs!

February 18, 2013

The Bachelor: Hometown Date Boredom

2/18/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 2 comments
The Bachelor - Week 7

Tonight, Sean begins to travel around the US to meet the families whose daughters he'll crush in the coming weeks. Let the fun begin!

It's a home state advantage for AshLee, as Sean's also a Texas guys. AshLee is nervous to introduce the man she's "fallen into love with," as they are both preachers, and AshLee is wayyyyy in love with Sean.  Upon meeting the parents, they get grilled about what they've done together these past few weeks.  AshLee gets all emotional and deep about that stupid polar bear plunge again.  They don't seem to care until "romance" in St. Croix is mentioned and there's the "hey are you banging my daughter" grunt.  Sean gets into the deep talks with her parents about her abandonment issues (there's also a serious moment of explaining the love they instantly had for AshLee when they adopted her).  Dad asks Sean if he loves AshLee, but again can't say if he's in love with AshLee because hello sir haven't you seen this show?  Sean does get the OK to propose should he pick AshLee in the end, so this boring-ass date reaches the inevitable conclusion of "You've dated a month, go get hitched!"  

Next stop: Seattle, Washington with Catherine!  It's not a normal start to a date: they get to catch fish at Pike Place Market (just like the opening credits of The Real World: Seattle, you guys!!)  Sean is surprisingly awesome at catching fish; Catherine is not ("It's slippery!" "I know, it's a fish").  The two then do fun touristy stuff around the market and these two are kinda great together.  She makes Sean interesting.  Hopefully after a shower or a major spritz of Febreeze, Sean meets Catherine's mom, grandmother, and sisters.  Catherine gushes about Sean to her sisters, but it turns more into defense as they're taken aback that she's into this whole experience.  Her sisters don't really help her cause with Sean, explaining she starts off really into relationships, then gets bored if she settles down or doesn't follow her dreams.  Also, she's messy and has bad moods.  Great work, sisters!  Mom doesn't completely give a blessing, which makes Sean a little uneasy too.  Rut-roh bad hometown date!

Sean flies to Missouri to meet Lindsay's family, which is pretty intimidating because her dad is a two star general.  Well don't show dad all that open mouth kissing.  They walk around the small town hand-in-hand and while it's realistic, it's boring.  Sean asks Lindsay what to call her dad, afraid of addressing him wrong, and even more intimidated having to ask some powerful dude the ol' marriage blessing question.  Lindsay then dresses Sean is some army duds and gets into sexual harassment commander mode.  He meets the parents and they laugh hysterically at Lindsay's night one antics of showing up as the psycho bride.  Mom asks if he's falling in love with Lindsay and he dodges the question by basically saying he's not at liberty to say it- HA!  She respects that he isn't love love-bombing everyone.  Sean gets some intimidating dad time and his main concern is Lindsay getting hurt.  Dad seems genuinely surprised by the marriage blessing question because again, does anyone watch this show, and after a long rambling speech I didn't pay attention to Sean is given a yes.  Before leaving, Sean is gifted a set of dog tags as a little remembrance gift then makes out with Lindsay in the driveway.

It's back to Los Angeles for Sean's final hometown date with Desiree and she greets him with a monkey jump.  They meet at a canyon for hiking and obvious kissing, but this is boring.  Des brings Sean to her house, where her family will meet them for dinner.  There's a knock at the door, but it's not her family: it's guy.  This guy pretends to be surprised by the camera being there, asks them to turn off the camera, asks where she's been, and professes his love for her.  It's all a joke LOLOL except the actor is truly terrible in his faking.  The shitty actor leaves and her parents and brother arrive.  Des' parents love Sean but her brother is more skeptical and pessimistic.  Her brother takes Sean aside for some bro time, as he doesn't sense a reciprocation of feelings.  Sean is surprised by this "accusation" and tries to defend himself a bit.  "I think you just a playboy having fun with the circumstances," cackles brother.  It's awk-waaaaaard.  The night gets pretty weird and uncomfortable, with conversation digressing to the weather. Des is pretty heartbroken at her brother's actions, ruining the entire date.

Sean returns to his rented LA house to hang out in his closet shirtless and ponder his four ladies.  He's confident in AshLee and Lindsay, but Catherine and Des are his two unknowns.  Sean vents to Chris Harrison about his shittier dates and being offended at being called a playboy.  Chris gives Sean some time alone to gather his thoughts before the rose ceremony.  Sean comes out to begin the ceremony, unsure of who he is even sending home, but thanks them for having welcoming families (except Des' brother and Catherine's sisters).  Just as he's about to hand out roses, Des asks to speak to Sean really quick and apologize for her brother.  The ceremony begins, Lindsay and AshLee get roses, leaving it down to Desiree and Catherine.  Sean picks up the final rose, then puts it back down on the table and leaves the room to go stare at the pictures again.  Sean's soooo torn between the two women and doesn't know which way to go.  It's Des' final plea that's tugging at Sean's heart strings, and we know Sean loves a good mercy rose.  Ultimately Sean gives his final rose to Catherine and of course Des thinks he's made a huge mistake.  Of course you think it's a mistake, you got dumped.

Tomorrow: Sean tells ALL.

February 14, 2013

Reality Rundown: Goodbye Francesca on Day Three, The Sequel

2/14/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
Survivor: Caramoan - Premiere

A new batch of ten castaways get dropped off on an island to see that hunk Jeff Probst wait for them.  Probst tells them it's Fans vs. Favorites 2 and in come the favorites via helicopter (HREAM!!), which is so badass.  And they get right to business: challenge!  It's a battle to retrieve a ring and bring it back to the starting point, all while getting the shit beat out of them and avoiding drowning.  Everyone gets shocked when new guy Shamar shouts "Break her wrist!" which is a great moment of Probst getting shocked.  For us ladies, Malcolm loses his shorts in his battle and sadly it's blurred.  While the fans scored the first point, the Favorites dominate and win reward in the form of beans and flint (hooray fire!).

The Fans, AKA Gota, arrive at their new home, complete with a machete and rice (traditional island housewarming gift).  The tribe gets right into building a shelter as recommended by ginger-bearded Matt, but Shamar thinks they're wasting their energy and need a fire.  First spat!  Some survivors do start a fire-making attempt, and Shamar sits aside watching until he can swoop in and save the day with the right advice (he's a Marine).  Sure enough the noobs make fire and clean water can be had.  Eddie and Reynold, the alpha males, know their status as top targets and recruit cute girls to make an alliance that looks straight out of a high school cool table (btw, I wrote that before Eddie made the comment).  The problem is, these alliances are more showmancey and everyone notices when you start rubbin' in the shelter.

The Favorites shall hereby be known as Bikal (well Probst will probably use lamens terms), and don't worry Philip is as weird as ever and rocking the pink undies.  They build a shelter without fights, but they show their veteran status by having people sneaking off into the woods to make alliances.  Francesca has a plan to align with everyone so that she doesn't go home the first Tribal Council again, even trying to be nice to Philip.  Francesca threatens to eat a rock if she goes home first again- oh boy this will be good.  Philip dreams to run it all and begins to recruit an alliance, that's basically every person on the tribe and Erik doesn't care for his you're-with-me-or-against-me crap.  Cochran turns into a sunburned mess, to the point that his feet swell up.

First Immunity Challenge!  Two towers have been constructed, while the teams have to climb up and toss crates full of sandbags.  The sandbags will then got tossed into a little target thing like a good ol' fashioned beanbag toss.  In terms of recent challenges, the towers alone are amazingly impressive and this makes me look forward to challenges this season.  The Favorites/Bikal get an early lead, but the sandbag toss brings the Fans/Gota back into the mix.  Reynold the fan has great aim and wins immunity for his tribe (and flint).

Time for Bikal to eat each other alive.  Philip seems like the obvious choice to go because he's nucking futs, but Francesca is on many-a-radar.  Erik doesn't want to side with Philip, but fears that he does have the numbers.  Cochran and Dawn have a big talk, which initially surprises Cochran as he feared maybe there was resentment from their original season.  Idol talk comes up, so there's a suggestion to split the votes between Philip and Corinne just in case.  It's Andrea that scares everyone because she's buddy-buddy with everyone, playing all sides, so then the choice is made to put all votes towards Andrea.  My head hurts.

The torches are lit in the fire and so begins the first Tribal Council of Survivor: Caramoan!  The tribe agrees there's no official leader, just a well oiled machine.  Philip can pronounce Francesca now, though he says he misinterpreted her name purposely to make a point.  Probst brings up an interesting point of how when returning players come into the game again, there's faster gameplay and more excitement.  Three votes come out of the jug for Andrea, but then the Francesca votes come pouring out.  In a 6-4 vote, Francesca is the first voted out of the game AGAIN.  HAHAHA. It sucks to be voted out first again, but if you're going to come back a second time might as well repeat.

February 11, 2013

The Bachelor: For Croixing Out Loud

2/11/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 6

The show is ditching the winter landscapes for St. Croix because we weren't getting enough skin these past few weeks.  All the girls share a common bond: get Tierra out before hometown dates.  Tierra hates everyone and ditched the beautiful rooms to sleep on a cot in the living room (because she needs attention).

AshLee receives the first one-on-one date to be "carried away" and then everyone gets carried away in lame metaphors.  Their date is a catamaran ride but they have to swim out to the boat because docks are overrated.  In their time together, AshLee warns Sean of Tierra's two-faced, childish nature and Sean likes her honesty.  The tattling turns Sean on and they make out on the beach.  Night falls and there's a romantic, candlelit dinner of the beach for the pair.  AshLee makes a shocking confession on the date: when she was 17 she got married to basically spite her parents and they ended it by the time senior year rolled around.  AshLee fears she ruined the date, but Sean still likes her and they shout their love for St. Croix into the sky.  But the joy of shouting in the sky gets the best of them, and AshLee cries out "I love Sean!" Everyone does AshLee, everyone does.

Tierra at long last gets a one-on-one and complains about the type of date it'll be.  Sean is excited to spend alone time with Tierra, but also is using the time to suss out if she's as evil as the others say.  He buys the most incredible things one could ever buy, like a sea shell necklace.  They even run into a parade and dance along in the streets, so now Tierra is happy about dancing and having fun.  Over sno cones (the treat you always have over a tough convo), Sean questions her about the house drama which she denies being at fault for.  Tierra senses the vibe is off and brings up his distant behavior to her.  The glazed look on Sean's face indicates oh yeah, maybe I've been stand-offish but he says it's because of the house drama.  Tierra plays the game right back and whispers to Sean that she's falling in love with him.  Sean's like you know what, who cares if she's a nasty bitch to everyone she only has to be nice to me. So good luck with your friends in the future, Sean.

Being a true Casanova, Sean invades the women's hotel room with a camera to snap pictures of his group date ladies without makeup on.  He rushes the women to get ready in time to be the first four people (plus the camera crew) to see the sun rise in the east.  The goal is to see the sun set on the other side of the island, do they do lots of tourist roadtrip shit to fill the time.  It's a bunch of fun, though Desiree reallys edges in the extra alone time for some awkward fun.  Plus she always calls shotgun!  With the only rose on the line this week, the game is on and all the girls express their feelings for him in one way or another.  Or reveal super another super sad story if you're Catherine.  It's a tough call for Sean when it comes to the group date since he likes mackin' on all these pretty ladies.  Sean gives Lindsay the rose for "not wavering a bit" which goes to show sometimes the first night lunatic can make it pretty far.  Oh and you can't see the sunset at all so this date was an absolute failure.

Sean wants to have a quiet, simple date to just talk (makeout) with Lesley.  Sean actually feels like his feelings for Lesley haven't progressed as much as the others girls, while she feels like she's falling in love with him.  They pick fruit and by that I mean ONE AVOCADO.  Lesley tells Sean she believes they have chemistry, but stops just short of admitting her love and suggests picking more fruit (because they picked ONE AVOCADO).  They don't pick more fruit and instead go awkward talk and kiss in another location.

In need of advice, Sean's seeks council from the wise words of his sister.  She's super tough saying whatever they'll get over it if you dump them.  His family's concern is him getting heartbroken and hopes he doesn't pick "that one" meaning the crappy girl.  She means Tierra, she just hasn't seen the episodes yet.  Sean reveals all to his sister about Tierra and the house drama, and has this great idea to bring Tierra to meet her.

Speaking of Tierra, she confronts AshLee to see if AshLee talked shit to Sean about her. AshLee is like hun, get real and uses choppy hands.  Tierra gets fiesty, taking digs and claiming AshLee sabotaged her.  "Raised eyebrow, AshLee? That's my face!" Tierra shouts when questioned about her bitty demeanor.  Tierra's parents urged her to not let others take away her sparkle, because she's so fantastic.  And then Sean enters the suite.  Perfect timing, Sean!  Tierra is off crying in another room from the spat, and Sean isn't sure why she's acting this way.  She fake cries about fighting with AshLee and how hard everything is.  Sean explains to Tierra he just wanted to introduce her to his sister because he's crazy about her, but he also thinks maybe she should just go home now cause she can't deal. At all.  Tierra loses it in the van.  But the viewers are freeeee! 

Rose ceremony time! No one knows where or what happened to Tierra until Sean comes over to give them the deets.  He assures the women he's not looking for drama in a relationship.  AshLee fears he means her and starts losing it on the inside (and in confessional clips).  There's no cocktail party. Sean is ready to decide and crush some hearts.  As we sort of suspected from their one avocado date, Sean lets Lesley go.

Next week: Sean takes on America (and dads!)

February 10, 2013

Survivor: Caramoan Pre-Show Winner Prediction

2/10/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
Oh my friends, I'm so sorry I slacked and took so long getting this to you.  Please don't think I'm not excited for Survivor: Caramoan, cause I am.  Caramoan is using the Fans vs. Favorites formula again, though the term "favorites" is stretching it for a lot of these people.  Sorry but who said Francesca was their favorite? No one.  It's just a BS word for returning players with no better jobs to go home to.  I had a gut instinct about who I was planning to pick, but I still did my due diligence in research.  Read the bios, watched the videos... I'm ready to make my guess.


Malcolm will win Survivor: Caramoan

First of all, his bio cites his biggest accomplishment in life as surviving Abi Maria.  How can I do choose that?  But in actuality, Malcolm played a pretty amazing game in the Philippines and I see his dominance continuing.  Also, when you bring back returning players  (particularly in this fans vs. faves setting), the favorites go further.  Also, the favorites are stacked with lunatics who will go for being weak and insane.  I think Malcolm's roadblock could be Corinne, who is super tough, but I also think she'll want to align with Malcolm for being a normal person and not a pink-undie wearing Philip nutcase.  As for the noobs... meh.  Some good personalities but no one seems to have that winning spirit I look for.  So I'm drinking the Malcolm Kool-Aid again.

Who do you think will win Survivor: Caramoan? Leave your prediction in the comments or tweet me @melgotserved. Get it right and you'll get a shout-out at the end of the season.

Photo Credit: CBS

February 5, 2013

The Bachelor: Hypothermia for Roses

2/05/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 5: Part 2

Another night of The Bachelor. Lord give me strength.  Tonight: Lake Louise in Alberta, Canada. I hope a bear eats someone.

The first one-on-one date goes to Catherine, who Sean's been smitten with yet it's taken this long to get them alone.  The two put on snowsuits meant for children and drive to a glacier in some snow bus (think Canadian duck tour).  Despite being in the midst of blizzardy weather, neither choose to wear a hat and instead sled, frolick in the snow, sip hot chocolate and have a good ol' time. The nighttime portion of the date begins with a horse and carriage ride because romance always begins with horse farts.  But the dinner, it's something special: an ice castle built just for them.  It's pretty gorgeous and more romantic than a rooftop pool party.  Catherine really opens up, baring her soul when she tells about a childhood tragedy, which explains her outlook of living each day in the moment.  Sean gives Catherine the rose and they smooch under the pelt of a dead animal.

Sean hopes this group date isn't full of drama but seeing as Tierra is there, you know that ain't happening. Plus last week's mercy rose recipient, Daniella, is totally bummed she's still on group dates and not getting a solo date.  First stop: canoeing to their destination, which gives more time for Sarah to remind us that canoeing will be difficult for her because she has one arm (in case you didn't know).  The canoes bring them to a deserted beach without any hottubs or champagne. NOOOOO.  Sean's surprise is for him and his ladies to get into the swimsuits in the cold and do a Polar Bear Plunge.  It's not required but Sean hopes they all participate because YOLO!!!  An EMT and lifeguard explain the water is just above freezing so hypothermia is possible.  No girl seems to want to do it, but if Sean tells you to jump into likely hypothermia you do it.  Selma wisely says no, but the other girls still do it to impress Sean.  Screams and giggles abound, the group takes the cold plunge and darts back to their robes to cry tears of joy.

And then the drama comes.  Tierra can't breathe, is kinda blue, and shivering to a point of hard shaking, so the EMT and lifeguard carry her away quickly to rush her to the medic.  They wrap her in blankets, coats, and fur, wheeling her into the hotel like a furry little ET.  The girls still in the hotel (Catherine and Des) see all this from the balcony and rush down to see who it is and comfort her... even if it's Tierra.  All the other girls return to the hotel cheering and smiling, vowing to Polar Bear Plunge around the world.  And then they accuse Tierra of faking it.  Sean visits a laid-up Tierra, who is laying in a hotel bed in a robe, covered in sheets, and with one of those nasal oxygen things from surgery.  I don't think she faked the hypothermia but I do think she knows how to use a ridiculous situation to get closer to Sean.  Sean gives her a kiss, even with the oxygen, and leaves her to rest, hoping she'll stay in bed to heal up.  That ain't happenin'.

Sean and the group date girls head to their usual post-ridic date cocktail party.  Lesley "loves love" and is glad to be embarking on these feelings again... and they makeout.  One-armed Sarah shows pics of her family, including her former prosthesis.  The night is going well but so drama free... enter Tierra.  Yup, hypothermia be damned!  Tierra gets glammed up and heads to the party, baffling all in attendance.  Sean's just like "look who it is!" and brings her for immediate alone time.  Oh good lord.  But their time is short because Lindsay steals him away to makeout more.  Sean gives the rose to Lesley for being cool and not a crazy person.

After the group date and the family photos, Sean's feeling the guilt trip.  Sarah is so eager to introduce Sean to her family, but he's very sure there won't be a forever with her.  He comes to the women's hotel room and asks to take her aside.  Sean feels like he's been trying to force a relationship with her and even their earlier kiss was reaching.  He wanted it to work badly but it's not happening.   He's dumping her now to spare her having to wait for the rose ceremony.  She says it's totally OK, as she holds back the tears.  Then she gets the pleasure of going back to the room full of girls and saying she got dumped, as opposed to the normal rose ceremony break-up.  Nice work, Sean!

Desiree (Des) gets the other one-on-one date, her second, and hopefully it doesn't include more shittily planned pranks.  They hike through Banff National Park and take in the view before rappelling down the mountain for a picnic.  They kiss periodically and make weighty metaphors about rapelling being like a relationship. Blah, blah.  Sean uses their picnic time to re-assure her of his feelings, since she had some previous hesitation.  Then they climb into a tree to kiss up there and disturb nature.  Their nighttime excursion is a making out in a teepee full of dream catches, animal pelts, and Sean wearings his ugliest sweater (perhaps to ward off spirits).  Whether the show is serving up a cruel dish of irony, turns out Des and her family lived in a tent for a few months while poor.  No duh, Des gets the rose.

The cocktail party/rose ceremony commences and the topic of discussion is, of course, Tierra needs to go.  Selma, who doesn't kiss on TV, gives Sean a small kiss to show she likes him, since she declined to go the hypothermia route.  Lindsay admits to sleeping naked and breaks her rule of not swapping spit with Sean.  AshLee blabs about the polar bear plunge being a large metaphor to life, because everyone on this show loves a deep metaphor.  And then Sean kisses her blindfolded after whisking her away like 50 feet as a measure of trust.  This brings AshLee to tears and I too cried, on the inside, for watching this.  And so when the Rose Ceremony comes around, not a single person is surprised when Daniella is eliminated since she never got a solo date and got a mercy rose last week.  Where the surprise does indeed come from is that two girls gotta go and following Daniella out the door is Selma, not Tierra.  But she even kissed you despite it not being OK.  Well, now it gives me a reason to use this screencap of Selma's eerie early episode laugh instead of her getting dumped.

Next week: fighting about Tierra in St. Croix.

February 4, 2013

The Bachelor: A Tierra-ble Setup

2/04/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 5: Part 1

The skanky mansion is being abandoned for globetrotting!  To Montana? Whaaaaat?  Aw man.  At least there's a 2-on-1 Thunderdome date awaiting them.

Lindsay the former crazy bride who is constantly sucking face with Sean receives the one-on-one date of the week.  It's a helicopter date!!!!!  They soar above Glacier National Park, which is pretty gorgeous, and have a hilltop picnic where they just makeout a bunch more.  They literally have a three minute daytime date before skipping ahead to sipping wine by a fireplace.  Lindsay's military upbringing reveals a lot about her desire to settle down. And then they makeout more.  Lindsay gets the rose and then Sean takes her downtown for a private concert by Sara Darling (who?) in front of the town of Whitefish and of course they makeout in front of everyone.  Ugh, get a fantasy suite.

Sean brings his group date to the outdoors to bask in nature.  And by that I mean a relay race involving milking goats, sawin' logs, bucking hay, racing canoes, and chugging goat's milk. Again: milking goats.  And everyone is game with drinking the milk as long as they can spend time with Sean.  The race is so boring until everyone is cheering each other on tugging on goat teets.  The red team wins (Des, Selma, Sarah, and Robyn), so the four girls on the blue team get shipped back to the hotel.  The thing is Sean doesn't like the fact that he can't spend time with girls just because they can't fondle a goat.  So Chris Harrison brings a date card to the blue team for them to join the hotel cocktail party with the red team.  The red team cries unfair, especially Des and her belly of goat milk.

Now of course Tierra can't spend a moment not being the center of attention, so she leaves the house and follows the blue team to the hotel bar.  Tierra is just fuming that Sean dare brings her on the 2-on-1 date.  She "surprises" Sean is a contrived, set-up moment by production by following everyone to the bar.  They talk outside about her being pissy about being put on a 2-on-1, a brilliant move by production to drive her insane.  Sean of course never seems to chastise her immature behavior and instead kisses her goodbye.

Sean returns back to the group date, not mentioning that he just smooched Tierra outside.  The girls get the claws out to interrupt each other and get their Sean time.  Because he's so interesting.  At least kissing far less sloppy than the prior weeks- thank god!  Daniella cries because despite getting re-invited back she's getting the shaft by Sean who is more interested in other girls.  Sean soothes her nerves and then she goes in for the kill and, ugh, sloppy tongue is back.  I spoke too soon.  Sean gives the group date rose to Daniella because nothing impresses Sean more than a sloppy kiss.

The 2-on-1 Thunderdome dame is between crazy Tierra and hardly-any-screentime Jackie.  I wonder who will get the rose?  EYEROLL.  Tierra cackles about her "advantage" of production sneaking her out to set-up that meeting.  Ugh, go away.  The date is horseback riding and even Jackie's horse doesn't want her involved in this date, keeping her in the back.  Once given alone time, Jackie does her due diligence of tattling on Tierra, explaining Tierra flirted with some rando at the airport.  Sean brings the girls to a romantic cabin dinner that is of course super awkward since one is getting dumped soon.  Tierra talks more to Sean about her big heart and previous heartbreak of a dead ex.  Sean claims he's torn but c'mon, everyone knows what'll happen: Tierra gets the rose, even if she is overdramatic.  As Jackie sobs in a limo, Sean and Tierra cozy up fireside to a private fireworks show.

Going into the rose ceremony, no one is pleased that Tierra got the rose on last night's date.  But everyone will grin and bear it if they can smooch Sean.  At least Des seems have a brain, noticing that Sean gives out mercy roses to anyone having a bad week.  Sean's taken aback when Des expresses her concerns about his unpredictable nature and where they stand.  The girls mourn Jackie, which sends Tierra clomping out of the room to sit alone, hoping Sean will come comfort her.  Robyn is too tired of this shit and utters the best line of the night: "I'm so sick of her I will make this The Bad Girls Club." Y-E-S.  Everyone feels like Tierra turns it on for the camera or when Sean's around, and it's not honest.  Tierra says she doesn't care what people say and won't take people threatening her.  Sean finally gets a glimpse of a pissy Tierra, but he's still like is she evil like they said or just misunderstood?  Which answer do you think Tierra gives?  Yup, no one gives her credit for being a nice girl!

Sean gets some more info from the girls about Tierra, specifically that she doesn't really have relationships with people in the house.  For the first time this season we get a Sean and Chris Harrison private chat, giving us some glorious time with the harmonica hands.  Sean wants to believe the best in Tierra, but hearing "she's not hear for the right reasons" is really hitting him.  He doesn't want to be naive and played, but needs evidence.  Tierra has a rose already so tough shizz, she's still here.  At the rose ceremony, Sean eliminates Robyn because he already tasted the chocolate last week.

Next time on The Bachelor: Tierra still sucks.