July 29, 2013

The Bachelorette: Heartbreak in Antigua

The Bachelorette - Week 9 Recap
Fantasy Suites

Desiree sets sail for Antigua to pose in another floor length technicolor dreamcoat set aboard a sailboat, cresting in the choppy sea.  There's two hours to fill so instead of jumping into dates, Desiree rehashes her relationship with all three guys. I ignore.

Drew, who claims he's never heard of Antigua, is the first date of the week and they drive around the island in a red jeep (guess they returned the 60s fridge colored Bentley).  They arrive in town to a festival of steel drums, poor dancing by the pair, palm weaving, and LIMBO!  The dullards have a picnic with a view and after another boring conversation they kiss to save us the torture.  Drew's fun to look at, but my god he might be one of the worst contestant's to recap a date of ever.  Rain washes out the romantic dinner plans so they get right to the fantasy suite portion.  He accepts the card, they talk all boring again about wanting lasting love, he loves her so much, zzzz, slurp.  Hit it and quit it, girl. He's boring.

Brooks, chillin' in Idaho, is having a bit of a conundrum.  He's not sure why he can't say I love you so he's seeking the consult on his mother and sister.  Brooks doesn't want to propose if he's not fully 100% in love which for most people takes more than two months yet America scorns him for this.  Time to do the right thing and be honest.  Of course there's never the idea of maybe we should just continue dating and not necessarily get engaged next week.

Chris pulls up in a black jeep for some car rental variety, briefly greeting Des before the pair are escorted away by helicopter.  HELICOPTER!! About GD time as we've only had on chopper this season and it was depressing.  They strip down to their swimmies and sip mixed drinks, chat about the family meeting, and then makeout on the beach with the waves cascading atop them.  Night falls and another private romantic dinner is prepared, so there's an overwhelming sense of dread that a poem is coming.  Chris spent his downtime hunting down jobs in Seattle as a place for them to start a life together, but she seems to prefer the idea of staying in California. Because she wants to be famous.  But she says she'd be open to it (ehh kinda lying).  Chris accepts the fantasy suite card to watch the stars together, "no expectations."  But we know there's one thing to expect: A POEM.  Cue a musical encore of some past due and some smooching.

Brooks is still all jumbly and he gets another source of advice: Chris Harrison in a plaid shirt.  Brooks likes Desiree a lot, but hasn't felt the big love bomb yet and so far he's not getting "love of my life" feelings.  Chris Harrison is wincing, probably because he's try to not move his hands, but he just wants to understand what Brooks is babbling about.  "Are you not sure or are you just not in love with her?"  Chris encourages him to use the fantasy suite to talk if there's still a chance and if not, you've gotta end it.  Brooks has come to a conclusion: Des is not the love of his life.  It becomes redundant, Chris Harrison tries playing therapist, Brooks wants to commit and wishes it could happen here, and it's awkward.  Oh shit, expect some tears from Des. Not us because this is the most interesting thing to happen al
l season.

Desiree is giddy for her date with Brooks, blissfully unaware that he's gonna crush her soul in minutes.  And so after two other times of hearing Brooks explain what it's like to not be in love with Des, we endure it again in the sad breakup way.  On paper she's his ideal gal, but the separation between dates makes him forget the magic.  He wants to be in love with Des, but he isn't.  Cue her crying, sobbing, heartbroken.  She keeps asking more questions that seem to just be more kicks in the stomach like he doesn't see it lasting after.  When Des says she loves him he asks why she didn't say that before. "Because I can't!" she says, because clearly the dude doesn't understand the mystery of TV and that you can't reveal that one guys is probably going to win before the end.  She's totally crushed and it painfully goes on way too long.  "I didn't want to share my heart, I wanted to give it to you," she cries.  So yup, she's basically just got through the motions (and makeouts) to get to the end with Brooks. DE-PRESSING.

And the week ends with Des sobbing on a dock and Brooks all red-faced crying in a forest.  I think I need a glass of wine as much as they do.  Desiree knows that while there's two guys that love her, she can't love them back the way she knows she can love.  So this is about to get more awkward.

July 28, 2013

Big Brother 15: Froyo Grossout

7/28/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 4
Jeremy is gone and Judd reigns as HOH.  GinaMarie thinks her and the mean girls can flirt their way to safety with Judd, but he's not a moron.  Besides, America is the MVP this week (unbeknownst to the house) and it's quite possible the assholes with the bad edit will be nominated.  Amanda starts her domination right away suggesting Howard/Candice or Aaryn/Kaitlin.  "If you want an HOH, win one yourself," Judd tells us.  But he's definitely still torn on who to nominate.

A romance might be blooming between Candice and Howard, but it's sweet and more like a growing friendship.  You know like not having sex on camera in three weeks.  However, the babytalk has gotta stop.  Meanwhile, GinaMarie sucks at the English language but we've known that since she said "fallin' ta pizzas."  GinaMarie and Aaryn start bickering because Aaryn's negative about nominations and then brings up Nick for the hundred thousandth time.

After much time filling this episode, the Have/Have Not competition commences.  The backyard is now the Big Brother Froyo Shop and the teams need to eat as much froyo as possible.  While there's a treat in a chocolate/vanilla swirl, there's a torturous taste of anchovy habernero and everyone has to indulge in both flavors.  The goal is to gain the most weight and whichever teams gains the least from the ice cream will be the Have Nots.  GinaMarie is killing it because she has no taste.  Everyone holds back their vomit by McCrae just can't do it and ralphs right before weigh-in.  The orange team, Andy, Spencer, Candice, and Jessie are Have Nots.

Still pondering what to do, Judd consults Amanda to get bossed around a little and ultimately disagree with her thoughts.  She feels strongly about nominating Spencer, Howard, or Candice as they are a strong trio, particularly Howard.  Amanda's hard-up on Howard because he's onto her and targeting Amanda and possibly McCrae.  Amanda is pushing too hard and she's about to get caught, bad.  Judd and Elissa talk and she doesn't think this week's twist will screw him over.  She gives him some honest consult, like nominating GinaMarie is a total waste.  Elissa thinks Aaryn needs to go because she just fights with everyone.  Judd caves to the whims of the house and nominates Aaryn alongside Kaitlin.  No brainer, but if America voted Aaryn for the MVP nomination this week, who will be next in line to be the third nominee?

Aaryn's not mad about her nomination, but took what Judd said to heart and worries about things she's said and drama started.  Judd assures Aaryn she is just a pawn.  Howard just hopes he's no nominated by the MVP because strong dudes have been sent out the door all three weeks.  It's all Amanda's praying for in case you haven't heard her yelling about it.  Howard and Spencer whisper about creating a new alliance with Judd, Kaitlin, and GinaMarie to take out the main alliance the house.  Elissa sits around all day awaiting the Diary Room to call her and let her know she's MVP, but they never call and now Elissa's pointless without being able to use her.  America is MVP and a few speculate this could happen, but it's still a shitshow when it goes down.  You see that's because Rachel Reilly supporters don't listen/read and Elissa is nominated as MVP. Now it's possible people hate Elissa, but really isn't the idea that a bunch of sheep voted willy-nilly far funnier?  A couple wonder if Elissa nominated herself in the ballsiest move ever, while Elissa accuses the mean girls of doing it.

Andy hosts the Power of Veto competition where the backyard is hosting the "Veto Election" complete with voting booths and a mud pit, like all polling stations.  They players need to trudge through the mud to find ballots with points, keeping a maximum of four ballots to get the highest score.  Some of the ballots include punishments or rewards so here comes someone who's like "Screw this, I need some cash."  That person is McCrae who initially plans to win it but finds the cash all too tempting.  Helen takes a two night 8pm curfew for a measly 10 points towards her final 29.  Judd has 38 votes, 18 of which is a punishment to stay in solitary confinement.  Elissa uses a 20 point ballot that makes her sit out of next week's veto, but she wins this week's veto with 40 points and means the next most-hated person by America is taking her place on the block.

Judd is sent nearly immediately to solitary confinement which is the lounge with a little toilet, some slop, and an alarm clock that will go off every nine minutes the entire time (snooze button is for losers).  Helen gets a child's bedtime while the house  continues to scheme in her absence.  The rest of the house celebrates McCrae's 24th birthday with a sexy one-piece swimsuit and a whip.  "Who wears a one-piece?" Elissa asks, and then constantly shits all over Amanda and her body.  Amanda heads to the toilet to cry about her supposed alliance member being a total bitch about her.  Judd is eventually freed from solitary confinement, leading into the veto ceremony.  Elissa removes herself from the block with her veto and the MVP (America) nominates GinaMarie for eviction, the next in line for votes for most-hated.

On Thursday's episode, the Chenbot gives us the downlow about America as the MVP.  America overwhelmingly voted Aaryn (no shit), but Judd nominated her so the nomination went to second most votes (Elissa), and once Elissa saved herself the third most (GinaMarie).  GinaMarie is shocked to be nominated as she thinks she's well-liked and it hurts how much I roll my eyes at this.  Aaryn campaigns hard to stay in the game, pointing out that Kaitlin is actually a strong competitor and GinaMarie is a negative turd.  Judd likes the idea of keeping Aaryn, as she'll continue to be a target, but Elissa is insistent to eradicate the Aaryn problem.  To win Elissa's trust, Aaryn makes some bold promises like throwing HOH or give the others nomination power.  Oh you are total idiots if you buy this.  

Judd decides to ditch the alliance he made earlier in the week, but out all the others to put them in the fire.  As Helen always does, she blabs this news to anyone she can re: Judd's alliance - first stop being Elissa and Amanda.  Elissa quietly asks Kaitlin in the kitchen and tips her off enough that the blindside plan might not be so shocking come eviction.  Aaryn's pissed that the deal might be off, so she tells Helen who is also annoyed that Elissa is ruining shit.  Nearly the entire house end up meeting to address this supposed alliance, with Judd keeping veeeeery quiet for outing them.  Bicker, bicker, catfight.

After their speeches where the studio audience cackles when GinaMarie thanks Nick, Kaitlin is unanimously evicted from the Big Brother house.  She's pissed that everyone lied to her but a true fan of this show would know the pawn always goes home.  Kaitlin also learns the at-home audience dubbed her and her house pals "Mean Girls."  Julie Chen is basically trying to telling Kaitlin that Aaryn is getting the title of house racist in so many words, which is fun to hear Julie talk about in circles.  Kaitlin's heading off to Vegas but in terms of Jeremy?  It's a whatevs to her.  GURL POWER.

America is the MVP again this week so hopefully Elissa's fans actually get a clue and listen to instructions.  "Roulette Me Win" is the Head of Household competition this week where each houseguest rolls a ball to land onto a big spinning roulette wheel.  Highest number wins and for any roulette addicts like me, the wheel has only one zero (double zero = the worst).  Aaryn sucks but it's fun to see the house in disarray when the season villain wins HOH.  Looks like they're all idiots for thinking she'd simply throw a competition.  And for some reason they interview Jeff Schroeder- WHO CARES.

July 22, 2013

Reality Rundown: STFU and Let's Watch Some Bloopers

7/22/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments
The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All

It's the Men Tell All AKA my least favorite episode ever!  In a complete repeat of last season, Desiree and Chris Harrison crash fan parties.  But twist, Desiree crashes parties in New York with successful couples Ashlee and JP, Jason and Molly, and Trista (sans Ryan it seems).  Really hammering in hey, remember when we cast better leads, Desiree has girl time with Ashlee, Emily, and Ali for advice on how to handle The Men Tell All.  Here's advice: a few drinks and with your BS meter on.

All the fellas come on stage to the catcalls and booing of Chico's best customers.  Jonathan is surprised he didn't get booed for being a night one creep, but another reminds him no one remembered him.  Guy-with-girlfriend Brian declined coming to this reunion, so they choose to shit on him behind his back in true reality TV fashion.  Juan Pablo said he didn't consider the show a competition like others did, mainly Ben.

And so into the hot seat comes Ben so everyone can shout at the season villain.  Ben says his asshole responses in the limo home was just bitterness and anger after getting dumped, especially for someone like Michael.  No one understands why Ben had to be so two-faced and nice to Des but awful to them; he should be a cool dude whenever.  Oh and stop being so competitive because everyone's there to suck face with Des and maybe fake-propose at the end.  The guys think Ben was fake and bring the kid into it again- oh boy.  But, the mother of Ben's son allegedly told Dan some dirt on Ben.  It wraps up quickly with basically you don't know me as a dad.  But stay tuned guys, there's bloopers coming up!

Next to get grilled is James who was an unexpected contender who unfortunately allegedly blabbed about being the next Bachelor.  The conversation addressed which was a "hey bro, worse comes to worse you get dumped and become the lead."  James believes his conversation with Mikey was totally misconstrued and he really did have feelings for Des.  Mikey backs up James, saying it was venting as friends and says it wasn't a plan to be The Bachelor, it was plan B.  Kasey insists James said "Well if I make top four, I can probably be the Bachelor."  Mikey jumps in once Kasey elaborates on "tall girls with a lot of money" and says they could've confronted them earlier in Germany, but didn't.  Kasey continues his long rant, which I tune out because it's as repetitive as it was weeks ago.  So Chris poses the big question: would he become The Bachelor?  James says he'd have to ask his family and whatnot but that's a no shit, of course I want love, six figures, and fame too.  None of the ladies in the audience are biting.

In the, let's setup potential next season leads, Chris spends time with Juan Pablo and Zak.  Despite having hardly any screentime, Juan Pablo is adored by the ladies and brought into the hot seat.  Listen, he just came for a cute girl to like/love him and his daughter, who now mispronounces daddy's name since Des can't roll a damn R.  Everyone is eating up the heavy handed convo.  Zak W gets his time on stage to remind us he was the season's clown, a fool if you will, and that he grew to be semi-less annoying.  He's 31, his friends are married, he wants to be too.  In the back of the journal he gifted Des, he wrong a poem to her in invsible ink.  This season and the GD poems.  He might have something prepared to say to Des and I'm praying to the reality TV gods it is not another poem.  In the battle of next lead guy, Juan Pablo has gotta be the frontrunner.

Desiree comes out in a sparkly dress to face all the dudes she dumped.  Turns out Des really hated Jonathan and considered him "a disgrace to men" which is a pretty impressive diss (he apologizes).  As for Ben, she felt his comments becomes more insincere and more about winning and impressing her than being real.  She feels he put on a persona, but also felt her keeping Michael regardless of his poor behavior was an odd choice. James is hurt by Des believing the accusations that he was thinking ahead of getting lead-man ass instead of her.  She firmly believes she was being manipulated by James.  The most hatemail came from dumping Juan Pablo, who just wishes he got a one-one-one date (that's because he wasn't a dramatic character for producers).  Desiree wasn't sure if Zak hid behind a smile and might not be the right match, but thankfully he has another song for us to endure.  Nothing better than an awkward "I'm moving on" serenade by your ex.

And then there's BLOOPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  America's favorite pastime EVER!!!!!!!!  Man is it epic.  Mispronunciations! Broken lights! Bugs!  I can't even recap it because I'm keeling over with laughter, wiping tears from my face and keyboard for the funniest things I've seen in my entire life.

Next week in the ultra shocking two-part season finale: "unlike anything we've ever seen before." Helicopters! Heartbreak! Halo engagement ring?

July 21, 2013

Big Brother 15: This House is Falling to Pizzas

7/21/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 3

A third week of Big Brother begins with a new disclaimer about their houseguests having opinions that CBS does not condone.  Covering Your Butt 101.

There's a division in the house after the Nick blindside.  GinaMarie takes it really well by sobbing in the bathroom like her dog was run over, then yelling at everyone and running her mouth.  The house really is falling "ta pizzas," as GinaMarie would poorly say.  The crying and crying to the point of annoying everyone.  The quote the great Latrice Royale, "Good god get a grip gurl."  The vote was 7-4 and that's because Spencer also flipped to vote out Nick after getting a tip from Helen.  Howard chose to still vote out Elissa to throw a hinky vote into the mix.  But Howard's anonymous vote is pretty easy to pin down.  Howard tries to throw the Have Not competition to ruin GinaMarie and Aaryn's week, but McCrae sucks so bad. The mean girls get to eat all week but at least temporarily stink of spoiled milk- a smell to reflect their nasty 'tudes.

Mean girls Aaryn and Kaitlin gang up on Jessie for switching sides, throwing in digs about her being the show slut since she's dying for a showmance.  Proving her childish, spoiled attitude, Aaryn gets out of the bed she stole (it's Candice's bed) and flips the mattress up against the wall.  As Jessie fights with Jeremy and Kaitlin to keep her own bed (they're insisting on having this larger bed), Candice is perturbed about her messed up bed.  "Whatcu gonn' do guuuuurl?" Aaryn says.  Candice gets into it with Aaryn and GinaMarie, who stops sobbing for ten minutes to get into a fight and say, "What you want the black to come out?"  Howard immediately carries Candice out of the room because she's better than this petty fight, begging her to control herself and not give in.  Candice doesn't want to hide away and just take the racial remarks being thrown at her, as she cries in Howard's arms.  Howard says they're not running, but they're playing a smart game.  Oh Howard, you are a saint in this house of turds.

The argument doesn't stop there.  GinaMarie thinks Jessie voted out Nick because he rejected her romantic advances and came into her bed (shudder).  Amanda is eavesdropping outside the door and busts in to start the ruckus.  The mean girls say Amanda talks shit about Jessie and she willingly admits she has and also has told Jessie these things to her face.  Amanda reminds them everyone is talking shit 24/7 so just say it to their faces.  Amanda then tells Aaryn that she is being portrayed as racist on the show and Aaryn doesn't believe it, saying she hasn't said anything racist (roll the footage, Big Brother!)  Meanwhile, Candice is crying in the HOH bathroom because Aaryn has really passed the point of no return with her.  Helen gives her a pep talk and assures her everyone is routing for her, not the jerks.  Proof that Candice is the better person: she consoles GinaMarie in her heartbreak eventhough that jerk was screaming in her face.  Aaryn apologizes for her remarks coming off racist as it wasn't intended (Candice accepts, extends an apology back, but doesn't accept it deep down).

McCrae comes clean to her sweetie Amanda about the Moving Company and she's actually impressed he was able to hide it so well. Jeremy knows he's screwed this week so he tries to make a deal with Helen, also outing the Moving Company in the process.  Despite the honesty, Helen sees his ease of outing everyone as a reason to not trust him.  Helen figures out it was Howard to cast the mystery vote and feels that by him lying, she can't fully trust him again, so he caves and admits he lied and voted for Elissa.  Helen cries (shocker) and asks him about the Moving Company, to which he denies.  Helen's not pleased with being lied to yet again, while Howard thinks it's a lie to help rebuild trust.  Helen lets Howard off the hook for now and instead nominates Aaryn and Kaitlin for eviction.

Helen has bigger plans for this week than taking out one of the mean girls and she believes she'll be able to sway obvious MVP Elissa to help with her plans.  Helen's plan: have the MVP nominate Spencer, then backdoor Jeremy.  Next step: put on the waterworks to guilt Spencer and Howard.  Amanda and McCrae would prefer nominating Howard because he voted out Elissa but also he stands a better chance of winning the veto.  Elissa refuses because she doesn't want a target from a strong player.  "Anonymous" MVP Elissa chooses Spencer as the week's third nominee.  And then Helen immediately blabs to Spencer the plan to backdoor Jeremy, but he doesn't care.

Jeremy doesn't get picked to play in the veto competition which means a true backdooring is coming (I bet he said the same thing to Kaitlin- hey-o!)   Kaitlin starts crying because she doesn't want her boyfriend gone, so she requests GinaMarie not use the veto should she win.  Amanda bluntly tells Kaitlin that if that veto isn't used, she's going home no question.  The veto competition is a memory challenge to bounce on a trampoline to glimpse a view of an art collection, then re-create that collection on their own wall.  The fun part is all the art is famous paintings with the houseguests photoshopped into them.  So if you've ever dreamt of George Washington being a misogynist, McCrae as Napoleon, or Andy and surfer David playing poker with dogs, well here's your challenge.  Kaitlin wins the veto and now must make her Sophie's Choice of saving herself in the game or her lamewad boyfriend.  Deals are attempted but Helen isn't stupid and nominates Jeremy as Kaitlin's replacement.

Jeremy takes his nomination in stride and decides to be nice to get votes.  Dressed as a baby, Jeremy campaigns for votes while causing us to cringe.  Back in normal clothes, he turns to the women with the most power in the house (Helen and Elissa) to plead his case and promise the world to them like everyone does when you're a target.  When will the HOH learn that a person will tell you anything you want to hear just to appease you?  Never? OK.  Aaryn is pissy because she thinks awesome, attractive, cool people are discriminated against but knows she's been a jerk so she decides to crank up her nice level.  Apologies abound for Aaryn.  No one seems to care about these shitheads because they're too busy laughing at GinaMarie's unhealthy obsession with Nick.  The house jokingly hides the weird items of Nick's she's hoarding, which leads GinaMarie to frantic tears.

The eviction show's family interviews cover this summer's unexpected showmance, Amanda and McCrae.  Their parents all kind of enjoy it I guess, though Amanda's parents wish he wasn't a broke ass pizza guy.  Sadly no update from the boyfriend Amanda left behind and dumped on live feeds tonguing another dude.

The three nominees get to make their final pleas, which gives Spencer the chance to thank Dave Grohl and Jeremy one last opportunity to remind everyone he's a champion at all times (including popping).  With a delightful nine out of ten votes, Jeremy is obviousy evicted from the Big Brother house.  In his interview with the Chenbot, Jeremy re-uses "coming in with my guns hot" again and says maybe he was arrogant.  But it seems Kaitlin softened ol' Jeremy and changed him.  But he still thinks he's a winner eventhough you know, he lost.  The worst part, if I can be selfish, is I almost picked Jeremy as my winner prediction but I couldn't support him since he was douchey.  Had I picked him, I would've keep alive the week three curse.  Damn.

The Chenbot announces the latest twist because giving Elissa MVP every week was getting stale.  America is the MVP this week and we get to choose the third nominee.  So as everyone wastes their time and money picking Aaryn, I'll put my vote elsewhere and not wasted on the most obvious nominee ever.  The HOH competition this week is an America Votes where there are "royal titles" and the houseguests have to choose from the two names given.  For instance Aaryn is declared "The Earl of Egotism" and GinaMarie "The Baron of Boneheads."  It's blasphemous that Elissa wins hottest over Howard.  In a tiebreaker, Judd wins Head of Household and this is exciting.  Before signing off for the week, Julie teases the house to expect the unexpected especially when it comes to the MVP.  But I believe this sums up Julie's closing remarks:

July 15, 2013

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates- A Neck Crackin' Good Time

The Bachelorette - Week 8
Hometown Dates

Back to 'Murica for hometown dates and the akwardness of meeting a bunch of families of the guys' hearts Des will be breaking.

First stop is Zak in Dallas who says his family is crazier than him (oh brother).  Zak romances Desiree by telling him about his dream where the sun began to melt their flesh close to death, then it begins to snow and they eat the snow, and kids come frolicking.  Guys, don't take Ambien.  I guess the dream is his poor attempt to explain that he's going to take her aboard the family business, a sno cone truck, and feed the local kids sugar until they vomit on his penguin costume.  They park the sno cone truck at his family's house and head inside for family time.  His family laughs in his face about his horrible shirtless intro and roll their eyes at his constant nudity.  To celebrate the family's adoration of Desiree, they sing a Zak original song while he strums the guitar with his eyes shut getting into the groove.  The song brings Des to tears while I'm tensed up and cringing.  Zal goves Desiree a ring he bought all the way in Atlantic City not as a proposal, but as a symbol of when he started falling for her.  She says he loves her, the family loves her, she seems happy.

Desiree flies to Scottsdale, Arizona to see Drew and just kiss in front of a lot of local businesses.  He keeps up his promise and brings Desiree to pick up his handicapped sister and she's as excited to see him as he said.  And soon they're at Drew's mom's house and it's as boring as I figured it would be.  Listen, Drew is easy on the eyes but kind of a dullard.  His mom wants him to verbalize to her the feelings he has for Des and he's all swoony and goofy and wants to marry her, so mom knows it's real and gets all teary.  Des also learns that she's met an angel in the form of Drew's sister; she gets the approval from the family, obvs.  On the way out, Drew hugs Desiree and repeats a bunch of times that he loves Des and wants her to be a part of his life.

It's off to McMinnville, Oregon, a town of lush greens and cools teens skateboarding around.  Chris greets Desiree with a little bouquet and a trip to the Little League field because he once played "professional baseball."  Show me your trading card and I'll give you more cred than Roberto (UPDATE: Chris is legit, everyone. Thanks to @hstrong_!).  A little catch and batting is played, then Desiree shows Chris some shitty sketches he did for him.  Now Chris understands what it's like to pretend to like another person's lame attempts at expression.  Desiree meets the family and it's mentioned she hurt her back while drinking wine near a cliff or something- who the hell knows.  Chris' dad is a chiropractor so what better date than to go into the basement and get a massage/back alignment from your quarter-boyfriend's back.  Chris gets a nose adjustment too because there's not father/son bonding like balloons in the schnoz.  He desperately wants mom's approval and she sighs a bunch, but likes Des.  Another successful date in the bag.

Rounding up the hometown bonanza is Brooks in Salt Lake City, Utah, who's been having a hard time with the separation time due to this weird process.  Hopefully he starts to get a clue that she's in love with him given that she is making obsessively love list notes about him and not weird guy-made crafts like the others.  Brooks paddles Des around in a canoe and it's probably the most normal moment they've had that isn't manufactured by the show.  Brooks' family greetings Des with a huge group pile-on hug and name tags since there's a buttload of 'em.  Des gushes to mom and asks the important questions, while Brooks gets advice from his many, many, many siblings.  Brooks gets all red-faced and gets approval from mom.  "Thanks for not being a huge waste of time!" says my favorite of all Brooks' siblings.  Brooks is back in the game you guys.

It's back to the show's home turf in Los Angeles for the next rose ceremony.  But first, the return of last season's real star: Desiree's insane brother.  It's supposedly their first reunion and they've barely spoken since last interraction brother dearest went H.A.M. on Sean and blew it for Des.  While she bullshits around who's her favorite, she does give Nate the lowdown on her quarter-boyfriends.  He'd like to meet them and get into their heads to which we viewers are like YESSSSSS DO ITTTTT.  Nate just reminds her that he ruined her Sean time because he was a dud.  Nate doesn't want Desiree to get her heart broken again and sees this as the wrong move, again.  At least Chris Harrison provides a better sounding board for her experience.

The guys begin to arrive at the hotel for the rose ceremony while Desiree's brother lurks in the hotel lobby behind columns to scope them out.  I wish he was wearing a fedora, trench coat, and glasses for a more comical undercover look.  "There's nothing holding me back from finding a husband," Des narrates as her brother weirdly stalks.  And then he slinks back to his hotel room to raid the mini bar.  Up on the rooftop, Desiree must crush one guy who just opened his heart, and his family's heart, to her.  Desiree eliminates Zak, missing out of a lifetime supply of sno cones which is really a big decision to make.  Des apologizes for breaking his heart and returns the promise ring he gave her.  He gives a bewildered limo interview, shocked and depressed this didn't work out for him.  He throws the ring out the window so I hope it was cheapy.  Oh Zak, some woman will swoon for your shirtless advances.

Next week: the men bitch at each other in front of a live studio audience!

July 13, 2013

Big Brother 15: Creepy Clowns and a Bunch of Racists

7/13/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 2

When we last left off, the Head of Household competition just began to work in pairs to transport BBQ sauce to the jug with the ball.  The only person who would needs this explained to them is someone who has never seen this show before because we've seen this competition every season, just a different liquid.  Everyone slips and falls (except Amanda who scoots like an itchy butt dog) and there's BBQ sauce all around.  Nick and Judd are the first team to complete the "big scoop" jug, followed up by Howard and Jessie, which means they'll be able to transport more sauce.  The big scoop definitely lets the pairs catch-up to frontrunners Elissa/Andy and Aaryn/Jeremy.  Jeremy and Aaryn retrieve the ball first and decide to give Aaryn the title of HOH.  To choose the Have Nots, Aaryn asks who voted out David (no one answers even after GinaMarie obnoxiously says, "Don't be scrubs, raise ya hands") so she then gives to last week's Have Nots (Elissa, Helen, Andy) and Candice.

Aaryn is on a pissy rampage to get to the bottom of who voted out David.  Spencer covers his tracks by conversing with Candice before votes and saying to vote out Elissa.  Andy comes clean to a teary Aaryn that he voted David out, hoping his honesty can cover his ass.  Once Aaryn gets her HOH room and creepy clown doll, her group of turd alliance plots of who to nominate alongside Elissa and seek vengeance for David.  Aaryn even threatens to cut of Nick's penis if he was the mastermind.  Cover your junk, Nick!  Cue creepy clown zoom in.  Jessie, who seems to give two shits about the game, will protect Nick's junk, stalking him around the house desperate for a showmance.  But it's Candice who is the wisest in the house who begins to piece together the potential that there's an all-guys alliance going on.

The show FINALLY goes there and addresses the racism in the house.  Howard tells some of the houseguests he's overheard Aaryn say some derogatory remarks.  The show then proceeds to show all the awful, hateful things Aaryn and GineMarie have said (Spencer, Jeremy and Kaitlin are off the hook in this edit).  Howard explains this is the kind of thing that makes him want to get angry, but this is a game about keeping your cool.  I'm glad CBS aired these comments as not address them falsified the game, giving a limited and skewed edit in a season that largely depends on America's influence.  While the show didn't fully address all the HGs using these slurs, I'm glad at least a big chunk was shown.

Helen tries to make a deal with Aaryn, suggesting a partnership to get them further than no one would suspect.  Helen is a top contender for a nominee against Elissa, but Spencer would prefer keeping Elissa.  Spencer's recommendation is taking out a stronger female, Amanda, who is all over McCrae and whispering to everyone.  Jeremy heads up to HOH and tells Aaryn that Amanda masterminded taking out David, thus deflecting the blame from the secret Moving Company, so nominate her against Elissa and either way you lose someone the house doesn't want.  Aaryn decides to nominate Elissa for making waves and Helen for being friends with Elissa.

Elissa is not shocked by her nomination, Helen cries but still tries to keep that deal she recommended to Aaryn (who also thinks it could be good).  There's a good chance for Helen and Elissa to be safe because, shocker, Elissa wins MVP again thanks to the Rachel supporters.  Elissa now gets to nominate a third houseguest for eviction and she chooses strong house jackass Jeremy.  He now gets to play in the veto competition along with the other nominees and the selected players (Nick and Amanda).  Elissa offers Nick a two week deal of safety if he throws the POV, he hesistates and sorta says OK, but she warns that she'll nominate him if she crosses him.  What he's not safe from?  The awkward advances of GinaMarie who can't read the "he's not that into you" signals.

Dressed a big trampy baby, GinaMarie introduces a video of past houseguest Brittany all preggo (congrats gurl!).  Everyone competing gets costumed in bright colored footie pajmas and gets into their crib.  The competition is to retrieve stuffed animals and hang them onto beams to create a balanced mobile.  It's pretty tricky to get the animals to balance without it immediately slipping to the ground.  Cue a baby cry and some honks whenever the mobile falls.  Jeremy figures out the ideal balancing strategy and wins the veto, ripping off his onesie in the process.  And then refusing to take off the veto all night even in the hot tub.  Arrogant turd.

Jeremy and Kaitlin celebrate his victory by smooching and then Kaitlin getting paranoid she'll be up on the block.  Cue the porn music, kiss, worry about nominations, kiss again.  Wait, Jeremy has turquoise parachute pants?  Jeremy works to protect his womun and gives the Moving Company an ultimatum to vote or Elisse or feel his wrath.  Careful Mr. Bossy Parachute Pants, the bros aren't here to take your orders.  Candice and Elissa talk and they'd love to take a strong guy out because there's suspicion of the all-guy alliance.  When Elissa learns Jeremy and Nick are aligned, that's a great reason for Nick to be a bigger target except she made that deal.  So Elissa approaches Nick to see if she saved him and nominated Kaitlin who he vote her out, but he won't give an answer which means "Nope, still voting you out."  And with that MVP Elissa gives Nick an F-U and names him the replacement nominee.

There isn't any major sweating about Nick's nomination because they have the secret Moving Company alliance to protect him.  Their one weak link is McCrae who is being seduced by busty, bossy, strong player Amanda who really wants to keep Elissa and have the MVP vote locked up.  Candice wants to rally together to take Nick out so that a boy's alliance won't dominate the game.  Jessie, who's a big unknown spending most of this game trying to find a boyfriend and get the cool kids to like her, is a major swing vote and Elissa's persuasion, and Helen's corny poker metaphor (two pairs vs. a royal flush) seems to get her to the other side. This big move will show where house loyalties lie since several people are playing everyone.

After Julie interviews the house and sorta gets a dig in at Aaryn, the show takes another segment to focus on the racial remarks in the house.  It's headline news now that the show can't avoid like they'd hope.  Amanda approaches Aaryn to sort of give her a warning that while she knows she's probably joking, others don't see it that way.  "That's the most obnoxious, annoying thing I've ever heard," Aaryn responds.  She compares it to people calling her Barbie and being blonde which, c'mon WTF you moron.  Oh Aaryn, you are in the deepest of shit and have no clue.

The nominees make their last plea which includes an annoying, loud shoutout speech from Nick and Elissa urging them to want to win Big Brother not just evict Rachel's sister.  Jeremy, Kaitlin, GinaMarie and Howard vote to evict Elissa, but the rest of the house blindsides Nick and votes him out of the house.  He's stunned and Gina Marie is a sobbing mess like they stabbed Nick and left him to die outside the Big Brother doors.  "What is going through your brain right now?" Julie Chen asks Nick.  He thinks Spencer flipped and was influential enough to sway the votes.  He's surprised that both Spencer and McCrae voted him out, then they make GinaMarie wisecracks.  "I think you should've kissed Jessie, she might've give you a vote!" snarks Julie and I love it.

Heading into the HOH competition, we're shown a video from the wee morning hours when the houseguests find a luggage terminal in the backyard to memorize.  The competition "Overnight Delivery" is true/false quiz about what they saw on the carousel.  After narrowing it down to five, there's a tie-breaker question about the number of cans of "BB Cola" delivered and four of those people get it exactly right.  The final tie-breaker is about Jeremy's time to win the veto competition in seconds and Helen wins Head of Household.  Helen is being a contender, y'all.

July 8, 2013

The Bachelorette: I Came All the Way to Portugal to Drive Go-Karts

The Bachelorette - Week 7

Madeira Island, Portugal is the latest globetrotting stop of awkward seduction for Des and her men.  With five dudes left, there's three solo dates and a 2-on-1 date with the only rose of the week (but no Thunderdome elimination, shucks).  Before sucking face with some dudes, Catherine, Jackie, and Lesley M from last season come to gab with Desiree and give some advice.  After gushing over the fellas she blushes when she admits falling in love with a couple guys.  Then it's awesome girl talk ranking the guys and wonderful which is the most... endowed.  LOLZ ABOUND.

Brooks and Des go on their first one-on-one date together since week one; he's been group dated since.  They drive a teeny car to overlook a seaside cliff and then drive up a mountaintop, sharing a picnic in the mist of clouds.  Brooks isn't ready for saying "love" but he's past "like," so that's helpfully vague.  And then make out in the clouds while talking about deep "breaking through" metaphors and shouting "We're on cloud nine!!" Ugh Brooks, you're too cool for this.  Their night date is, you guessed it, a private candlelit dinner on a rooftop.  Brooks wants Des to know how much her meeting his family will mean and hopes (nay, wants) her to have feelings for him as well if they're taking this step.  She admits her feelings for him are growing, but he's definitely nervous and maybe apprehensive about this big step.  They're interrupted by a fireworks displaying and they cuddle and smooch more.

Chris and Desiree board a yacht to "sea" if they can find love and let's all chuckle with these ocean puns!  They strip down and sunscreen each other up because nothing defines romance like skincare and the avoidance of melanoma.  The boat brings them to a deserted island, picnic basket in hand, to sip wine amongst and adorable field of flowers.  Chris has brought along a bottle and paper for them to write not a message in a bottle, but a poem they'll write together.  Guy we get it, you like poems.  Their romantic dinner is time to talk about the family they'd want to have and more about the family Des might meet next week.  He's a bundle of nerves to read yet another GD poem but this one ends with Chris saying "I love you."  Desiree is wowed by his writing and emotions, rewarding him with a kiss or eleven.  They leave dinner to walk through a beautiful garden, hand-in-hand, kissing to a really loud musical cue that I thought was leading to the 50th private concert date of the season.

Annoying Michael finally gets his one-on-one date which is just to explore around town while Desiree wears Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  They kiss while sipping wine at a gorgeous park overlooking a peaceful waterfall, then peace out to go street tobogganing.  It's a great way to see the city while holding back motion sickness induced vomit.  Des wears a tight white dress and denim jacket to dinner, while Michael channels the Tubbs and Crocket look in beige blazer and pastel V-neck shirt.  Michael talks about his family life and not being on speaking terms with his dad, who apparently isn't a fan of supporting a child with diabetes.  They leave dinner for a private concert/makeout session by some random local woman singing romantically in Spanish.  It's not the most official private concert, but I'll count it.  I've been told the polka band previously counts, so this is the SIXTH private concert.  Normal season? Maybe two.

The only rose of the week (pre-ceremony) is up for grabs on the 2-on-1 with Zak and Drew.  The guys will make Des' "heart race" in go-karts and if you haven't started to figure out date card puns, I might have to make fun of you.  Desiree wins the first round because they probably let her, then encourages Zak and Drew to battle each other with a Rebel Without a Cause wave of the flag (Zak wins).  There's a picnic on the go-kart ground greens because nothing says romance like that sort of like carnival ride engine smell that permeates the area.  Can we address that they flew to Europe, on an island near Africa, to ride go-karts??  Since Zak won, he gets alone time first which means Drew will get the sloppy seconds and the residue of Zak's saliva.  To recap their relationship, Zak provides a sketchbook history of their memories.  "It's so good," Des says in the same voice I used when I was a summer camp arts counselor.  Drew gets his time with Des and knows his family can't wait to meet Des because they've been talking about it.  He tells the sweet story about his handicapped sister and wants Des to come along with him to pick her up and see the happiness his sister has- it's so sweet.  He reassures Des that he can and will let loose and he's not super boring, plus he says he's falling for her.  Desiree gives smiley Drew a rose.

Before the rose ceremony, Desiree and Chris Harrison have a little fireside chat to recap the week and her relationship progress.  She basically full on admits she's in love with Brooks but he still hasn't said he loves her yet.  Chris asks if it's over and Des said it's not over but she's "still keeping an open mind."    Oh but she's also starting to fall in love with Chris (the poem one, not the puppet-handed host).  Chris Harrison breathes a sigh of relief that the show still goes on because he wasn't sure if he collects a paycheck for a shortened season.  At the rose ceremony, Des cuts Michael to no one's sadness except his own.  He takes his dumping fairly well but just feels jilted again. "Here we go again," says his mom on the phone which is maybe the saddest bit.  But hey, you outlasted Ben right?

Next week: screw hometown dates, it's the return of Desiree's hostile brother!!!!