August 25, 2013

Big Brother 15: The Sadness of a Yoga Mat-less World

8/25/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 8

Andy is sad he had to evict Jessie, but he needed to keep his hands semi-clean.  Amanda mopes about losing yet another time, even after McCrae did try to throw it to her.  She goes as far as to hide in the storage room, crying behind the trash, because she's a poor spot, big mouth baby.  Elissa is down in the dumps too, knowing she's likely to be nominated by Aaryn.  Helen does her strategy, which is kissing major ass and saying Aaryn is better than Big Brother legend, Janelle.  As the internet is always saying, STFU HELEN!  Aaryn actually loves Helen, planning to nominate Spencer and Elissa.  McCrae and Amanda (mostly Amanda) want Helen gone, so they say to lie that Elissa is the target and say they're nominated together so Helen doesn't have to vote out her friend.  Aw what a considerate way to backstab a friend.

Aaryn's HOH room is running out of fresh stuff, decorated with photos of her and goats, and a bitter, jealous Amanda seething.  After throwing on her best sourpuss face to see Aaryn's HOH room, Elissa is implored by Helen to talk to Aaryn and fight.  Showing her true colors of piss poor sportsmanship, Elissa says if she's evicted she'll refuse to go to the jury.  Helen feels betrayed by her friend that she's protected since day one when we could've been rid of Elissa's moping.  It's basically the only true Helen moment we've had as she's so upset she breaks down in front of the house.  The rest of the house is sympathetic to sobbing Helen, but also pretty pissed Elissa is sticking around when people who wanted to be here went home.  McCrae just thinks it's funny Helen assumed she was definitely going to final two, which is pretty great.  Oh Helen, sometimes you need to STFU.

The house divides into two teams (green/orange) for the Have Not competition.  The backyard isn't decorated at all and instead just a big black box of darkness.  In pure darkness, members of the team need to find a lucite key hidden in this fun house of shit.  The walls are covered in actuators that shoot stuff at them, like goop, slime, feathers, air shots.   There's vats of cherry pie filling, spaghetti, and oatmeal for Halloween laughs.  The key is in the food vats, which Spencer/orange team find far faster than GinaMarie/green team.  So GinaMarie, Amanda, Helen and Elissa are Have Nots.  Let's get this out there: I liked this competition a lot. It was basic as hell, but different from the recycled stuff we're always seeing.

Knowing that this could be her swan song week, Helen gets some airtime talking about her family and language barriers.  Then laughs because GinaMarie is dense in understanding it.  Elissa puts her tail between her legs and tries talking to Aaryn.  It leads into some odd complaining about a lack of yoga mats.  Aaryn tells Elissa she's not the target; Helen tries talking to Aaryn into not nominating her, swearing to not use the veto if she weren't nominated.  Aaryn feels a strong bond to Helen, but she's a major threat so Helen is nominated along with Elissa for eviction.

Post-nomination, Helen feels confident Elissa is the target but in the worst case, Helen's "alliance" with McCrae and Andy will save her.  Helen also requests Elissa be on her best behavior AKA actually be a real social person so they can save themselves and evict Spencer instead.  Andy continues to majorly lie to Helen, one about her true allegiance and the other about her being the target.  Andy's about to be sc-reeeeewed!

OTEV the sobbing, broken hearted beaver runs this week's Veto competition.  He wrote love letters to the departed houseguests and I won't lie, he warmed my heart.  His goofy voice. I love it. I can't help it.  This year, OTEV will begin reading his love letter and the houseguests have to search through mud, wood chips, and cold water for the houseguest's letter (last to bring back the letter is eliminated).  Elissa is an athletic beast, leading to Andy getting beamed in the head by a fake log.  She wins the veto and now the pawn is safe. Bad news for Helen but she doesn't seem to get that, cheering away.

Elissa and Helen celebrate, knowing that Spencer will go on the block and they might be safe (LOLZ).  Helen is starting to get suspicious of Andy since he sucked so badly in the veto and is a horribly guilty liar.  Amanda flat out tells Elissa that Helen is going home, hoping to sway/force her to her side.  Elissa wants to tell Helen everything but fears the wrath of Amanda, so she drops subtle hints.  Helen makes her plea to Aaryn to make a foursome (with Elissa and GinaMarie) to take out McRae and Amanda, who are running everything.  Helen annoys the crap out of me, but she's not wrong.  Amanda is steamrolling her way to a victory and everyone is just handing it to her.  Amanda and Aaryn get into a shouting match about that stupid wine incident from like five weeks ago.  It leads to Aaryn crying in the HOH room that Amanda controlled all of her HOHs.  Anyways, who cares, Spencer is the replacement nominee. Amanda still controls all even when Aaryn had the power to do whatever she wanted.

Helen is extremely nervous about her place is the house, beginning to cry for votes especially he supposed friend Andy.  And so right away Andy tattles to Amanda and begs her not to say anything.  Helen claims she can read people so she heads to eternally dazed McCrae to plead her case, asking him to stand up to his woman.  Oh Helen, you can read nothing.  Amanda doesn't appreciate Helen calling her a bossy bully who runs the house.  Elissa and Helen confront Andy about turning on them and that he'll become a target now with this move.  But it doesn't matter at all because everything Amanda is, Helen is too. She's a threat and the house evicts her with a teary goodbye.  Guess maybe being hellbent on evicting Judd and Howard over Amanda wasn't the wisest choice.  But Helen rejoices upon learning she has a chance to re-enter the game.

After a jury house recap of who everyone hates, Candice, Judd, Jessie and Helen arrive on stage in their athletic gear and Julie Chen surprises the houseguests with news of the twist.  The four enter the house to monkey jump and hug in excitement while the people who lasted in this game feign joy that someone is back.  Only Elissa is happy because she has no friends. 

Here's how the competition goes down.  All the current houseguests and the jury members compete in the same endurance competition "Off the Wall."  The HGs/jurors have to catch ten balls without falling off their moving balance beam on the wall, all while sprinklers splash them in the face.  The first juror to catch ten returns to the game, the first houseguest to ten wins HOH.  Should a juror catch ten first before a current houseguest, they're back and HOH.  Stakes are high but it seems there's a possible consensus amongst the jurors competing: take out Amanda.

August 18, 2013

Big Brother 15: Wake Up, It's 3AM Running It All

8/18/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 7
 
Before we can move on with our lives, the show rehashes the entire Thursday double eviction. Holy redundant except for a little commentary.  What I mainly get out of this is confirmation of GinaMarie's scumbaggery, taking her feud with Candice to ultimate lows.  Considering this was live, there seems to be A LOT of time to duck into private whisper sessions.  Aaryn's intent was to send Jessie to jury but a last minute suggestion by Helen to take a threat out, and a vow of safety, gets Aaryn to nominate Judd.  He's completely heartbroken and crushed, pleading for his housemates to save him.  The whole house cries over the betrayal of Judd and he wasn't pleased, denying goodbye hugs from Helen and Elissa.  And to think he let them wear the bear shirt!

But the power is switching again as it's time for another HOH competition.  In a head-to-head tournament style competition, players need to tilt a "cherry" down a banana to land it on top of a sundae.  If they're hellbent on making this a cherry, why make the balls green?  I see one player red, what about pink? (UPDATE: learned that canned cherries come in green for fruit cakes. Eww)  But props for the cool 50's diner setting for the competition. It makes me crave a trip to Johnny Rockets.  Surprising everyone, Andy wins the title of HOH and names Aaryn, GinaMarie, Helen and Elissa the Have Nots.  House BFF Andy is now going to have to hurt some feelings.

Amanda cries after the competition because McCrae didn't throw it to her.  "I don't win anything," she whines over and over because she's annoying.  Then her friends have to pacify her like a spoiled child.  Woe is Amanda.  The house (AKA Helen) would love to nominate Amanda and McCrae, not knowing that Andy is actually in tight with them and afraid to burn bridges with either of his alliances.  It's all fun to chase the HOH win so you get a basket of snacks and a private toilet to shit in, but when you're in a good spot and have to betray people near the end it's not so great.  And so Andy takes the boring nomination route, nominating Spencer and Jessie for eviction.

Jessie is Andy's target, but he makes sure to her she's not his target so he comes out clean and so it's a blindside.  Helen is surprised that Andy didn't nominate "McCranda" and wonders where Andy's true allegiance lies.  It's with Amanda, McCrae, and Aaryn who make a solid final four deal, naming their alliance 3AM.  Fearing Helen targeting them, Amanda recommends McCrae and Andy making a final deal with Helen to protect their group.  Helen buys into it all, especially since McCrae says no one could beat Amanda in the end.  It's true.  I mean, she's annoying as hell but she's played a mean game.  I thought Helen was smarter than this but I guess not.

Because Big Brother recycles competitions, the superfans deduce that a counting competition is likely this week's competition. The house makes a strategic decision to throw the veto and fold every hand to Helen until Helen eliminates Jessie. That's how you abuse the repetitive game system of this show. At the Big Brother Movie theater, there are three B-movie sets from "Blood, Bolts, and Bandages" with a bunch of stuff to count like plastic scorpions, hanging fake bats, chains, and other stupid hokey shit.  And so the plan to throw it to Helen begins to help keep nominations the same, with everyone smirking except Jessie who looks like she crapped her pants from stress.  Spencer decides Helen isn't bossing him around and starts playing for real, eliminating Helen right before her guaranteed victory.  Everyone has to actually compete, I get bored, then Andy wins the veto.

Spencer's lack of compliance sets off a red flag, wondering if he's more expendable since he refuses to go with the pack mentality.  Jessie tries to sway Andy to instead nominate a much more powerful player.  In most cases, so wise, however Andy's in a decent spot of having a solid secret alliance yet playing the other sides enough to last.  Helen oversteps her trust in McCrae, suggesting removing Amanda earlier then planned so now Helen's on blast.  So basically, everyone wants each other out. Duh.  Andy doesn't use the veto, leaving his nominations the same.

Jessie thinks Helen is being shady, blowing her off and then making it known that Jessie tried to get Amanda out before.  Jessie isn't having Helen's shenanigans and lies, fighting with Helen about putting the blame on Jessie when Helen did try to get out Amanda.  Later Jessie eavesdrops on everyone laughing about her being the target, so she goes on a rampage.  Jessie tells GinaMarie how Aaryn talks shit about her, which sprawls a whiny bicker-fest fight I truly want to mute so I can't hear GM's grating voice.  Jessie succeeds at being annoying, yet she'll never surpass Jessie "Mr. Pektacular" as most annoying Jessie ever.

Dressed in what we're debating is a potato sack, prison uniform, hospital scrubs, of a Phyllis Nefler homage, Julie questions the house about safety.  For once, the Twitter question is good, asking why everyone in this house is drinking the "it's for the house" Kool-Aid and not playing the game for themselves. Helen gives an awful answer because Helen is always blabbing.  And so the eviction plays out as it obviously will, and Jessie is unanimously evicted.  Jessie tells Julie Chen that she wishes she could've flipped the house but at least she left some seeds of doubt, especially against Helen.  At least she goes out in a dress riding up, nearly exposing her hoo-ha to the world.

In "Way Off Broadway," the houseguests face off in head-to-head rounds hearing a horrible song about what competitions happened this summer and guessing if it was for HOH, veto, or Have Nots.  Whoever wins the round also gets to name the next competitors, leading to a interesting knock-out battles.  After enduring many awful songs and poorly constructed taplight buzzers, Aaryn wins another HOH.  Aaryn's got a tough choice to make in the house, while blissfully unaware of the new twist: a juror will return to the game through a competition.

August 11, 2013

Big Brother 15: Goodbye Beautiful Bear Shirt

8/11/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 6

Continuing where Thursday's episode left off, everyone is walking on a rolling barrel endurance challenge to win Head of Household. The best is you can see how rinky-dink the challenge is because as they walk, the "barrel" material wears off. After getting comfortable the barrel begins to roll backwards instead of forwards. This causes Spencer and Candice to fall, though she basically jumps just because Spencer wouldn't be able to nominate her. More begin to fall, sending their bull's head handle ramming into a china cabinet. The first three eliminees get boxes of prizes: Spencer has to speak through a bullhorn until nominations, Candice wins $5k, and Helen wins a backyard BBQ. GinaMarie really wants the title and the hair dye she'll get in her HOH basket, but McCrae isn't willing to budge immediately from her offers of safety (including the offer for her bed so McCrae and Amanda can fool around- gross). They haggle back and forth but McCrae ends up falling making GineMarie HOH. Ugh, awful.

Aaryn overhears Jessie being annoyed that Helen invited Aaryn to her BBQ, and you probably shouldn't moan about the people with power so obviously. Jessie whines about it a lot because I guess this annoying attention seeker is desperate for alcohol and a hot dog down her throat. Amanda gets frustrated with Jessie using the BBQ as a statement of loyalty and throws it back in her fact for being disloyal. It seems that Jessie tried to flip the house last minute before the vote to blindside Amanda (Howard started the idea, Jessie went around seeking the votes). So no one trusts Jessie anymore as she's seen as the biggest floating attention seeker who will turn on her friends. "Well you walk around in your underwear," Jessie says. It's a pretty high school bitch girl fight and McCrae is quick to call Amanda on her bullshit.

GinaMarie HOH room reveals a pathetic cry over a picture of her and Nick then rejoices over all the nasty trash she gets. GinaMarie thinks this week will be cake, as Candice is her target at the house gets annoyed by her. Worried that Amanda might flip the house on her, Jessie tries to request GinaMarie not nominate her against Candice. In her rambling nomination speech, which gives Judd a major case of the giggles that it contagious around the table, GinaMarie calls her a drama queen, tattle tale and rat and dubs Jessie a flip-flopper. Wait, nothing about Jessie being whiney? Too bad.

GinaMarie brushes off her jerky speech to both of her nominees, mainly to cover her ass because she talks a big talk but can't 100% cough up to being a dick. Amanda can't understand why anyone would nominate her as she's so great, forgetting about her being loud, annoying, childish, and even McCrae is over her shit but he's stuck. America uses its power as MVP to nominate Amanda again who is confused as to why she's nominated. Even McCrae gets why, "She's acting a fool." Amanda starts campaigning immediately for people to use the veto to save her, annoying and offending the others. Bitch, come up for some air and stop being selfish.

The veto players are rockin' some sweet camouflage overalls to fling foam frogs into lily pads for the most points. The lowest point earner that round is eliminated and gets a "prize" from a worm bucket, which they can trade around to get good shit or probably a unitard of some sort because this show loves beating a joke to death. A fight between Candice and Amanda breaks out during the competition after Candice gets caught telling Judd everyone thinks he's MVP (she decides if she's called a rat, be a rat). "That's the Shaniqua comin' out of you, I guess right? Am I racist now?" Amanda says. Welcome to the officially-a-racist-in-the-TV-edit club, Amanda. The bickering keeps going because she keeps going on and on, with Candice trying to shut up too but snapping back because Amanda is just so damn annoying. One "prize" is to get nonstop spray tanned for the next day and GinaMarie loses her shit to win this prize (like Spencer would want to wear a doggy cone of shame), but Spencer gives the tan to Amanda and steal her Bahamas trip. Judd wins the whole competition and trades his Clowneytard to Candice for her $5k prize, giving Jessie the veto and saves herself from elimination.

Some levity comes in the form of the veto punishments. Candice's Clowneytard, a human form of the true star of this season, Aaryn's Clowney doll. Amanda gets "50 Shades of Orange" which means getting spray-tanned any time a bell rings within 48 hours and she looks like the most creepy version of Tan Mom ever. GinaMarie wears a dog cone around her neck so she can't lick her privates, but she loves it because she's insane. But the fun is short, as word gets to GinaMarie that Elissa might try to save Candice and eventhough Amanda's a huge horrible raging bitch, her target is still Candice. Helen tries to smooth-talk her way to GM and makes some proposals of safety to keep her house bestie safe. And so without any real explanation for the TV-only viewers, Spencer is named the replacement nominee after Jessie removes herself.

The house learns there's going to be a nine person jury to decide the victor but more importantly, it's a Double Eviction night.  No one is very surprised, likely because they were tipped off before.  But Julie ominously warns that just because you're on the jury doesn't mean they're out of the game.  Confused faces around.  Despite a video package to show a possible house rising to take out the demon Amanda, Candice is voted out of the house and becomes the jury's first member.  But at least her speech takes a bite out of GinaMarie for being a loser, and GinaMarie keeps interrupting to fight back and uses the lowest blow insulting Candice's mother.  Candice has no regrets, especially for defending herself to the very end.  "It's goodbye for now, but there's a lot of summer left," the Chenbot heavy-handedly hints.

After that wowzer, we return for the Head of Household trivia competition about objects and events in the house thus far.  Somehow through a trivia miracle, and with a grimace on her face, Aaryn wins HOH.  But with only 30 minutes left, there'll be no time for a Clowney return!  Before Aaryn nominates, Julie announces the MVP twist is over and the show will return to the standard two nominees.  Worried about making waves in the house, Aaryn boringly nominates Jessie and Spencer.

The veto competition is to return screws and nails from a big toolbox to complete a veto pizzle.  Playing along with the nominees are Andy, Judd, and Amanda.  Once again, while I look away for seconds, Aaryn wins the competition.  There's whispers and long blurred out parts of conversations for possible swearing or just to annoy our ears with dead air.  Helen says something about "makes us feel like shit" and Aaryn uses the veto to take Jessie off the block, and nominates Judd for claiming to have played her and the whole house wants him gone.  It's largely because the whole house thinks Judd is MVP and lying to everyone.  He's not a power player to me, but at least he's a likable person in this house of turds.  With his signature bear shirt on, Judd is unanimously evicted and the house is a sobbing mess.  You should cry because you're all turds.

August 5, 2013

The Bachelorette: Heartbreak and Proposals Make for Excellent Poetry

The Bachelorette

Desiree is still reeling from Brooks dumping her, taking the time to ponder deeply while overlooking the ocean like we all do.  Chris Harrison comes over in a suit to provide some solace, and since he's in a suit it means business.  And she cries a bunch, sniffling loudly and good god, give her more than one tissue.  Chris reminds Des that there's two other guys she's been making out with that haven't dumped her yet, so maybe there's some rebounding on the horizon.  The question is can Desiree rebound and actually get engaged to one of these other guys she seems only quasi-interested in?  Other Chris and Drew are brought to the site of the rose ceremony where Chris Harrison drops the Brooks left bomb and brings Desiree out to lament in her sadness just a little more.  She cries a bit after explaining that when she calls their name for a rose, to be honest that they're actually accepting it.  Both guys of course accept the rose despite seeing that clearly she's devastated and probably legit in love with the other absent guy and not really them.

Desiree decides to go forward with her two guys to see if she can upgrade her other guys to love status.  First up, Drew the boring dud.  The pair ride gorgeous horses down to the beach and make awkward small talk to avoid the fact that she probably spent 24 hours sobbing in a beautiful Antigua home.  Des is completely friend-zoning Drew because she's just not feeling it and he's trying his damnedest.  And so with the tears flowing, Des cries about something missing and that Drew isn't the one for her.  He's totally caught off guard because I guess he either can't read signals or is blissfully ignorant of reading a person's vibe.  "You don't have to be sorry for not being in love with me," Drew wisely says after she keeps apologizing.  They share a long goodbye break-up hug and it looks like Des' next date with Chris could be another downer.

Desiree gives it the old college try with Chris next and she seems slightly better this time, allowing a hug and quick kiss.  They ride on a catamaran, probably using the leftover credit from not showing up a couple days ago with Brooks.  There's definitely more feelings with Chris than Drew, particularly the makeout and snuggling part, and Chris assures her he's there for her and hates seeing her cry.  They have a lot of fun on the date, sipping Kool Aid, jumping in the ocean, and laughing.  It's great to see Desiree not cry and that's not me being empathetic, it's me tired of seeing a miserable dumped girl on TV.  Desiree goes to Chris' hotel room for one last drink and emotion expression time before a possibly proposal.  She feels like they've known each other for a while and they seem to mesh, so Desiree decides to introduce Chris to her family.  Chris gifts Desiree with a journal bound with twine so that she can write too, just like he's always writing those annoying poems.  Don't worry, he slipped all his previous poems in the back so she'll always have them.  Oh thank the lord, the poems were saved.  Desiree cries more again for not loving Chris more from the beginning but feels good to be loved and love back.

There's plenty of time filler to make the two hour finale plus one more hour of After the Final Rose seem drawn out.  The audience earlier gives their opinions about who Desiree should pick.  Sean and Catherine show up to pretend they're actually going to get married.  Sean says if Kathryn had "pulled a Brooks" on him, he would've packed it up and picked no one because he only wanted her.  Catherine kinda agrees that if she were Chris and saw she was that into Brooks she'd be kissed upset.  Her friends from last season, Jackie, Lindsay, and Lesley, give their feedback too and were shocked with the Brooks fallout.  No one seems to know if she'll choose Chris, somehow finds her way back to Brooks, or ends up a sad spinster drawing wedding dresses alone in her house with nine cats.

Chris gets the honor of meeting Desiree's family which consists of her mom, dad, and asshole scene-stealing brother Nate.  Chris admits he was initially skeptical but really found love with Desiree.  Chris explains that in the real world you do date multiple people before getting serious it's just that you aren't seeing them getting freaky around you.  Point for Chris again.  I like when they pretend Drew is still in the fold, because Chris hasn't been clued in that that dud was dumped days ago.  Chris and Des' dad have their man-to-man chat and he asks for his permission to propose, even if he's not sure if she's going to reciprocate the engagement feelings.  Bitter brother Nate asks Desiree if she really wants to be with him forever and urges her not to settle (but likes Chris), also bringing up the Brooks situation because he's a delight for drama. 

It's the last day of Antigua and Chris plans to propose to Desiree, pondering shirtless while looking out to the sea.  But hey guys, it's a cameo by Neil Lane again to give Chris some stunning engagement ring options.  It's a beautiful cushion-cut halo ring with a rose gold and platinum braided band, sparkling from every angle.  Desiree gets dressed up in a nude-hued gown and a pair of halo earrings that would perfectly complement the engagement ring.  But she's still wondering what she'll do and she plans to come clean about how deep she truly cared for Brooks.  Cause you see there's a pretty good chance a guy might not want to hear "Oh yeah I was planning to pick this guy for weeks and now I like you more but yeah, loved him a lot."

Desiree is standing on the tropical proposal plateau waiting for Chris to arrive (not Chris Harrison, he's already there waiting to awkwardly greet and lead other Chris).  Chris narrates that he'd be "shocked" if something came in the way of the relationship they built, a wonderful use of foreshadowing.  Clasping her hands in his, Chris recaps their relationship and the fun they have and the poems they shared (not kidding, that's for real).  As he begins to get down on one knee to proposal, Des stops him as she has a few things to say.  She admits Drew was dumped days ago and is the only one left, the only one that met her family; Chris grins.  She admits she loved Brooks and was torn between Chris and Brooks.  She said she was so blindsided by her love for Brooks that she didn't see what was in front of her, of what he wanted them to be.  She says she loves him and they kiss and cry a little.   It was actually a nice scene and proposal and give her kudos for coming clean before he finds out later about Brooks.  But of course as viewers it looks like she maybe settled, so it'll be scrutinized by all for days to come until we stop caring.  Chris finally gets to finish his proposal and gets a tearful yes from Desiree.  Cut the montage and pinning that final rose on Chris' jacket!


The most dramatic season ever has concluded and it's kinda actually true this time, eventhough 85% of this season was boring as hell.  Chris Harrison asks what the world is wondering: how were you so in love with Brooks only to get engaged like a week later to someone else?  It's some thing about coming over heartbreak but assures us she was actually falling for Chris.  And eventhough she's happy in love with Chris, Chris Harrison is really pushing the Brooks questions.  She said the warning signs were just more Brooks not liking the process of this show, not necessarily the feelings.  Bring out the Brooks!

Brooks comes out on stage, nervous to see Des since it's the first reunion since crushing her soul.  Watching the breakup again was hard for him and reliving the whole process.  Desiree appreciates their ability to be honest with each other which allowed closure by having an excruciatingly long breakup aired on television.  It's just that he still wasn't feeling love and does know that it sort of led Des.  There's no regrets on either side it seems; it was a learning experience.  Brooks learns the outcome, which is that Des is engaged to Chris.  "Oh yeah, congratulations," Brooks responds.  But Brooks knew she dug Chris and it's not surprising.  Honest chat, boring stuff. The stuff of After the Final Rose.

Next to rehash heartbreak is dull Drew, who Desiree sympathized with especially since she broke his heart after getting hers broken days before.  He admits it's a flood of emotions being reunited and it took him awhile to recover (maybe he should've tried rebounding in a week too).  He wasn't expecting getting dumped that day but there were some clues.  She was weird at the rose ceremony, nicer to Chris, and not super excited to see him date day.  It's another "no regrets" conversation where Drew's happy she found happiness, even if it means he got dumped.  Desiree says nothing could've changed to make him the winner, and she still doesn't have a clear point where he was definitely  no-go.  Drew: easy on the eyes, boring on the mind.

Finally they bring Chris out with Desiree to talk happy stuff instead of uncomfortable ex-boyfriend questioning.  Though Harrison tries to bring up the Brooks stuff to get the drama going, but other Chris brushes it off because she paid him some pretty decent comments before.  He trusts their love, even if an asshole television host tries to dig at it.  They get teary-eyed watching their proposal again especially in a weird out-of-body experience.  When asked about their plans, Desiree says she's moving to Seattle this weekend (WHAT? Someone not moving to LA to be famous?)  Chris busts out a gift for her fiance which is a frame with the dried roses he received each week and... you guessed it... A POEM!

But who cares about Desiree any more.  We want to know which of her rejects will now get to be the lead of the next Bachelor.  Or as James would call this position, "worst case scenario."  After Chris teases he's handsome, charismatic and funny, we all know it's not Drew.  It's OBVIOUSLY Juan Pablo who the ladies love despite little screentime.  He's a former soccer player who left his sporting dream to be a father to his daughter.  He's a good looking dude and he's already totally nailing pensive beach walking.  He better love helicopters, that's all I'm saying.  See you in the fall for more smack-talking recaps!

August 2, 2013

Big Brother 15: Clowney for MVP

8/02/2013 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Big Brother 15 - Week 5

Helen is immediately wondering if she made the stupidest mistake ever trusting Aaryn.  Since Aaryn did win HOH, Helen's request was for Aaryn to nominate Howard and Spencer.  Candice has heard about Helen's deal and confronts Helen about it, asking Helen to not let her get put up.  Helen wonders if Elissa blabbed again, but we know 'twas Jessie.  Elissa might not have told, but she's not hiding her feelings of hatred towards Aaryn, and the rest of the house is very suspect of the former MVP pet.  But there's one alleged friendly face back: CLOWNEY.  If Aaryn winning HOH isn't a haunting enough idea, the clown of our nightmares returns for seven more days.

An alarm sounds in the house with a message from Poppy Montgomery of CBS' Unforgettable to remind you the forgettable show is stars on is premiering.  Oh and host the Have Not competition.  The backyard is now the Big Brother police station and it's a two-part challenge.  In part one, the teams need to transport and stack evidence. Part two is to return all the evidence back to the shelves the exact way they found it.  GinaMarie, Amanda, Candice, and Judd's team is the last to get their evidence back in the correct spots, so they are the Have Nots.  GinaMarie will remind you she's never been one before, but we've seen her down gross-ass froyo like water so I doubt she'll care what she puts in her mouth.

Spencer tries his hardest to save his ass and make a game change, but Aaryn's committed to keeping her deal with Helen even if she hates it.  Aaryn reveals this deal to Howard as well so the blood will be off her hands.  Both guys make the same point: next week you're back to being screwed.  And while they fight for their lives, Amanda and McCrae play kissy in the tub and exchange "I love yous."  Candice believes this power couple needs to be broken up, but Aaryn feels Amanda has saved her thus far.  It's pretty pointless and Candice comes to realize that now she made herself and Howard a bigger target.  As much as Aaryn would like to do what she wants, she also wants to stay in the good graces of the house to be semi-OK next week.  So after an hour of filler, Aaryn nominates Howard and Spencer per Helen's original request before Aaryn even officially won HOH.

Elissa and Helen praise Aaryn for being their puppet, while Amanda is excited because she's been begging to nominate Howard to the point of annoyance.  Jessie cries about his nomination as he could use the money more than others. Sorry, who's Jessie?  McCrae whispers to Spencer that he's just a pawn but Spencer has McCrae's motives figured out (Howard needs to go because he can't be manipulated).  Howard's weird rambling, nonsensical speech to the house leaves everyone confused and his target gets a smidge bigger.

It's wonderful irony that McCrae and Amanda ponder their level of extreme comfort only for Amanda to be nominated by the MVP (America) this week.  Amanda and her chums are sure the MVP is Howard, nixing America as a possibility since they assumed Amanda is well-liked.  Spencer and Candice think it's Elissa, a wiser call since she typically gets the title.  And Howard, well who knows what the hell he's talking about in another ramble of metaphors.  I'm a little surprised Amanda is the nominee as I know my Twitter friends half hate her, but not as much as they hate others.  She's got a decent edit on TV, sort of the sarcastic one but she is a fairly overconfident.  Aaryn is obviously first pick but she was HOH and thus ineligible.  I'm wondering if the Elissa fans turned on Amanda after the inane one-piece fight of last week.  Or America hates one-pieces too.

The backyard this week is a laboratory being run by mad scientest Helen.  The veto players step into a time travel machine that looks like a low-rent Disney ride.  Back in time, they're in the prehistoric times and there's dinosaurs, ancient critters, and some magma or whatever.  The players need to search around to find stone pieces to assemble a big ass ancient veto of foam-core Puzz 3D stone.  Most struggle with the puzzle which isn't surprising since it's not a house of thinkers, but Spencer and Amanda actually have some semblance of a veto created.  Spencer wins the veto, saving himself and now Aaryn will need to put someone up in his place.

Aaryn would really like to nominate Candice because she views her as the root of all her problems and also one vote to save Howard.  Candice fully expects to join Howard on the block for the same reasons because her brain actually works (except come puzzle time).  Since Helen is calling the shots this week, Candice approaches Helen to try and save Howard (and her).  Helen's pretty resistant to making a deal and fears that she's being perceived as the person controlling the house.  Helen doesn't care for rumors (rumors that are 100% true), so Helen who isn't controlling aaaaaanyone starts a rumor that Candice threatened her to save her/Howard and take out Amanda.  Come veto time to the surprise of not anyone ever, Aaryn names Candice the replacement nominee beside her beloved "Howie" and Amanda.

Howard urges Candice not to get pissy now that she's on the block, especially as she makes a crack about Aaryn putting the two black people on the block.  Spencer wants to keep his only alliance member, Howard, in the house so he tries to sway the less powerful players to attempt to make a move.  His argument is to take out Amanda, a strong player who is running the game.  Andy tells Amanda, who has to question if Andy would flip, and she gets mad that Judd would be untrustworthy too.  Amanda takes this swimmingly, so she angrily confronts/threatens Spencer about his plans.  Helen is jogging at the same time, so she stirs up some shit with Candice claiming Spencer wants to eliminate her.  Candice calls a house meeting, like a stupid sorority, to call out Spencer, which turns off Spencer and the whole house.  No one wants a loose cannon around.

In time filler for the live episode, Julie Chen plays celebrity baby trivia with the house so they're caught up basically the only important stuff happening in our world.  Judd's small town is interviewed per many houseguests thinking maybe he's a mastermind liar.  I'll tell you this much: his bear shirt makes him a style icon.  And Amanda and McCrae are Big Brother engaged which is I guess boredom shit to get attention.

Despite all the red herring action to pretend the house has flipped their plans, Howard is evicted from the house. Well there goes the last hot bod in the house.  Howard believes Helen/Amanda/McCrae are the power in the house and once you're on the outs, it's hard to get in and he was heading out.  Julie points out that he might not be on the outs had not lied to Helen.  But the big topic is the racist comments in the house and he says he didn't address the comments because he didn't want to rage on everyone.  "I chose to take the high road," he says.  Candice's goodbye video thanks him for the friendship which Howard confirms is friendship, not a showmance.  See, not everyone in the house needs a boyfriend JESSIE.

America is the MVP again to keep the house paranoia going.  But we won't know nominees, or the Head of Household, for days (unless you have feeds) because it's an endurance competition.  The players have to hold onto a bull's head poll which walking on moving barrels, like lumberjack log rolling.  Elissa almost falls less than a minute in but saves herself and continues to walk like she pooped her pants.  Julie breaks the best news to the house they've heard: no Have Nots this week.  She then takes a five second breath before trying to entice people off their barrels to open mystery boxes for the chance at $5k.  Keep on walkin' houseguests because there's a Double Eviction coming up!