January 6, 2014

The Bachelor: An Adventure to Find the Juan

1/06/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 1

The horny women of America spoke, and our latest Bachelor had hardly any screentime last season except some shirtless moments. Hunk alert!  Meet Juan Pablo, a former soccer player and single date with an adorable accent because he's Latino, as he'll remind you.  He has the unconditional love of his daughter, but now hopes one of the random women selected for high drama will make him a fine wife.  And who better to initiate Juan Pablo into the Bachelor club than total dud Sean, who Juan Pablo allegedly called for advice. LIES!  Some wise advice includes: tell them you're bad at names, have fun, and have a kissing strategy but don't let the other girls see you macking. The gospel according to Sean.  Well Juan Pablo, let this adventure/journey/whatever you call it begin!

BUT FIRST, what kind of wonderful women have been cast to seduce the hunk? A bunch of girls who attend to learn Spanish to charm ol' Juan Pablo!  There's only one single mom this time around, but IS a girl who's occupation is "free spirit." Girl, get a job.  There's a prosecutor who should know better than to be on this show since she probably read the contract.  An adorable pediatric nurse has been cast and I wonder again, why are there what appear to be level-headed people on this show?  Girls you can do better than this!  Oh don't worry, there's a crazy-eyed massage therapist that's sure to be the clinger and one girl who, GASP, was dumped before.  The sob story of the intros: a half-Mexican hair stylist has a DVD from her dead dad to show her future husband.  So not a lot of crazies in the bios but c'mon.... we know they're there.
Chris Harrison and his puppet-hands, decked out in a pinstripe suit, welcomes Juan Pablo into his hookup mansion.  Juan Pablo is hoping to find "the juan" (his words) and learns there's 27 women to bang around with this time and look, it's the first limo!  Juan Pablo has to contain himself as he "OH MY GODS" every hot chick that steps out and constantly remarks how much he likes what's coming out of the limo.  I can't list everyone, so here are the highlights. Nikki the nurse uses her stethoscope for a quick heartbeat check, while Chantel teaches him how to pronounce her obvious name, and Maggie gives him a fishing hook to be her "big catch.:  Free spirit Lucy arrives with a floral headband and barefoot, perfect for that watered down driveway.  Best laugh: the girl pushing and playing a piano up the driveway, completely out of breath to greet him.  And for LOLZ one woman fakes being super pregnant, because what's more memorable than faking a pregnancy? NOTHING that's why they always do it on soaps.  Kelly the "dog lover" (that's her career) sends my dog into a frenzy as she lets her canine pal run out of the limo.  Surprisingly, not too many ladies abuse the Spanish language, but one does kick around a soccer ball to try to endear herself. Worst limo entries ever - snoozefest.

Juan Pablo's mind is blown about juggling 27 women ("Dios mio!" he says), and after a weird speech, Juan Pablo starts a dance party complete with a prop-laded photobooth.  It's the wedding of all their dreams.  Soon the one-on-one time begins as each woman tries to give a little more information of why Juan Pablo might want to keep them around.  And leave their lipstick marks on his cheek.  In pure coincidence, there's a massage table in the backyard for the crazy eyed Amy J to show off her massage therapy skills.  It does not turn Juan Pablo on.  

The entrance of the first impression rose freaks everyone out and we know this because everyone says "I'm nervous!"  First it's the nerves, then it's the pouting when they don't get attention. So begins the mental breakdown of Lauren H who is "so ready" and wants a connection, but can't get alone time and starts freeeeaking out. And guess what? She gets her damn alone time and talks about her neurosis in this situation of televised polygamy, relating it to her failed relationship with an ex-fiance who also had a son.  Juan Pablo looks bored and confused out of his mind.  The first impression rose ends up going to Sharleen, the Canadian opera singer who just flew here from Germany.  She's like way too classy for this and surprised she even got the rose, and she even admits she didn't feel a ton of instant chemistry and finds this forced.  Everyone hates her mostly from jealously but also because Sharleen seems totally miserable.

With the first impression rose gone, it's time for the full-blown ceremony.  Juan Pablo is not looking forward to the soul-crushing dumping but it's part of the job and the key to helicopters, an open bar, and lots of hook-ups.  It's pretty standard rose ceremony boredom until Kylie steps forward when Juan Pablo actually said Kat. "Can't you take both of us?" she giggles in her humiliation.  I thought her pink pageant dress was her worse offense but this is way more embarrassing.  Kylie does not get a rose, along with massage therapist, that girl with a lot of ex baggage, and some other randos.  So the adventure to find the "juan" begins with a narrowed down field and what will surely be a season of crying, helicopters, subtitles, and Sharleen's scowl and disdain for this show.  I can't wait.