January 20, 2014

The Bachelor: A Homemade Breakfast and a Poo Party

1/20/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 3

Single mom Cassandra gets the first one-on-one date of the night: cruising in a convertible Jeep and driving right into the ocean.  It's intentional though cause it's like a Duck Tour so they drive through the water in what I'm going to call the Ford Savior. They dock their car, board a yacht, jump off it, then makeout in the water.  Magically they teleport to dinner to Juan Pablo's house to burn dinner because they're too busy dirty dancing in the kitchen.  The pair bond over their children while feeding each other malted milk balls.  It's bizarre.  Seeing that they're hitting it off, Juan Pablo gives Cassandra a rose, a sign that he's into her since he promised to dump her whenever he's over her so she can go back to her kid.  And I mean, thank god this 21 year old can learn to date again after not dating since she was 18.  Woe is her!

Juan Pablo brings the group date ladies to where the LA Galaxy play for a catty game of soccer.  Juan Pablo wants to see who can get out of their comfort zone, which actually means who's a stressful rage beast when they do poorly. There is not nearly enough "ball" jokes for my liking but Sharleen gets balls to the face a few times which is amusing.  The game ends with a champagne shower before hitting the locker room to snap each other with towels.

The cocktail party is at the stadium this week instead of shoving the girls in an Uber to another hotel rooftop.  Nikki has a nice chat where the conversation flows naturally, which is amusing to think about with Juan Pablo.  With Andi they sneak off to a snack stand, drag her ass on the counter, then make out by the industrial fridge.  She's extremely confident this hidden kissing will seal the deal for the date rose.  Sharleen and Juan Pablo head back onto the pitch and kiss for all to see, inciting rage in the girls watching from above.  By the way, what a horrible kiss. Like, has Sharleen kissed someone before because it's awkward when her mouth doesn't move yet her tongue pops out of her mouth.  At first I thought it was a blow off, but it's not because she requests a second attempt.  SHUDDER. Can I unsee that?  Nikki the nurse gets the rose and she does a happy dance inside while Andi gets pissy inside after giving it up at the snack stand.  Like we've said all along, why buy the pretzel when you can get the whole snack stand for free?

Chelsie gets the last date of the evening, which annoys Elise who thinks Chelsie is childish (they're maybe two years apart in age?).  Chelsie pretends to enjoy Juan Pablo's car singing while they dance like goons.  I've never supported the Footloose preacher quite as much as I do now.  Apparently this is a date of challenges which includes shoving Venezuelan food into Chelsie's mouth while she says "mmm" a lot.  But the real trust moment is when Juan Pablo takes her to a bridge to tandem bungee jump.  They're going to vomit all over each other right? Because loading up on food before jumping off a bridge upside down, then springing up and down, is a horrible idea.  Chelsie is terrified to jump and complains for an eternity that she is worried, but the strong arms of Juan Pablo are there to hold her.  Who knew it'd be harder to convince a girl to bungee jump than pose naked on television for a dog charity?  Chelsie and Juan Pablo kiss upside-down so it's all worth it for her now.  At night, it's a private dinner at Pasadena's City Hall, where we all dream of having a first date.  She blabs a whole lot about being a teacher, loving kids, yapping, yapping.  This incessant talking doesn't irritate Juan Pablo and he gives her the rose, then head into a private concert by some dude where they dance awkwardly together on a random piece of an oriental rug.

Juan Pablo surprises the women with a homemade Venezuelan breakfast to, I assume, soak up the champagne and cheap booze they drowned their lonely sorrows in the night before.  Some get the tip off and have a chance to throw on a bra and some mascara, while others show off the faces nature gave 'em.  After breakfast they have a pool party instead of the stuffy cocktail party because... tittays!  I pray they waited thirty minutes between breakfast and swimming because this is a safety concern.  I mean, I see girls running on the pool deck and that is NOT COOL.  Kat makes sure to be noticed, hopping up on Juan Pablo's shoulders for a round of chicken against no one.  The girls see Kat as a camera-hog playing it up for airtime.  Sharleen is insecure and questioning everything, yet not questioning if she's a horrendous kisser apparently. This kiss is a little more hidden, a relief for the viewers.  The pool party turns into a bummer while everyone (especially Claire) gets neurotic about signing up for a show where a guy dates 25 women and doesn't only go crazy for them.  Also, I swear to god Juan Pablo called the whole event a "poo party."

Chris Harrison is a total buzzkill and clinks a glass outside to end the party and commence the super serious rose ceremony.  Unfortunately no one is eliminated in their bikinis and instead they're given a chance to get gussied up before getting their hearts stomped on.  Some rando Christy is eliminated, but we say goodbye to an actual personality this week while a few other randos stay.  Say goodbye to Lucy, the free spirit, who taught us all a career is not needed to be on The Bachelor.  But at least the adorable dog is still around.