The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Clare gets the first solo date of the season because nothing makes a lasting impression like fake first-night pregnancy. He picks her up at night and blindfolds here, which is usually the first red flag that you're going to get murdered and featured in a Lifetime movie. Instead, Clare lives and is escorted to a little bit of wintery Christmas magic in LA. Snow, pine trees, snowmen, sledding, ice skating - it's very cute... as long as there's hot chocolate spiked with Peppermint Schnapps. Clare is sufficiently irritating to me (she is SO poised that it all seems like an act), but Juan Pablo enjoys laughing with her. They heal their sore asses in a hot tub where Clare tells her sob story while massaging Juan Pablo's back. He appreciates her openness and gives her a rose, which is an open invite for hot tub makeout. "You taste like snow!" Snow is water. There is no taste. I hate you. But that's not enough creeping because there's a private concert in the woods by a yeti man for them.
Looks like a few ladies made some in-roads with Juan Pablo and his second date is another one-on-one, this time with Kat. The date cards hints at electricity but I'm not sure if it'll be the tossing-toasters-in-a-tub kind of electricity. A private jet escorts the pair to a different time zone where it's night time because they're doing an electric run. Oh FML, the worst. You people and your gimmick runs. They get decked out in neons and light-up attire to glow in the dark while slowly attempting to jog in a crowd of middle-aged moms being super cool in obnoxious ravewear Tell me production slipped them some drugs to make this super trippy. On the big stage, Juan Pablo and Kat get to grind on each other in front of a crowd and he gives her a rose.
A big hoard of hoes meet Juan Pablo for the season's first group date, a photoshoot with adorable dogs. It's for a good cause but who the hell wants a photo of some random chick from a reality show petting a dog? If this is going in a calendar, this is the worst calendar ever (but where do you buy one, asking for a friend......) Poor Kelly gets painted to look like her assigned dog, which is essentially brown face with white spots. Juan Pablo is very drawn to Cassandra, so they Lady and the Tramp a piece of spaghetti because... yum? To make things extra awful, Andi and Elise are supposed to pose nude behind tiny signs. Like these girls want to make an impression, so are like forced to pose nude to avoid being dumped, which is an awful message (like this show gives a shit). Elise in a not-at-all-setup moment switches with free spirit Lucy who loves living life showing her ta-tas. Oh and then Elise is a hydrant that the dogs pretend to pee on. Andi is really opposed to posing naked until Juan Pablo is going to get nude too, so that makes it all ok. He literally charmed the pants off her. For real in the final picture if there wasn't a censored bar it would just be Juan Pablo's balls. Seriously.
After the photoshoot there's a hotel rooftop pool party, my favorite thing behind private concerts and helicopter rendezvous. Cassandra shares her big secret with Juan Pablo: she has a son. He loves it cause he's a dad too, duh. Renee really wants a first kiss and tries to the point of bringing it up as a conversation point - she fails. The girls are nervous and fighting for time, sipping a cocktail to ease their nerves... except Victoria. Victoria's a drunk, slurring mess explaining how she gave Juan Pablo "the hymen maneuver" earlier. She can't get one-on-one time and runs into the bathroom to drunkenly cry out her hatred for Juan Pablo in a stall. She bursts out of the bathroom insisting she's going home, but production explains she needs to put on her shoes and they will find her a safe way home. Back to her stall she runs, so Juan Pablo comes to talk to the stall door. She declines to talk, so Juan Pablo makes a weird speech to the women and concludes with, "But I had a good time!" The women are turned on by how kindly Juan Pablo deals with drunk women sobbing in bathroom stalls. Kelly gets the rose because she was humiliated with an awful paint job.
Back at the house, all the girls are gossiping about Victoria's drunken temper tantrum. Looks like she didn't have to come back to the mansion and production put her in a hotel to sleep it off. Juan Pablo visits Victoria at her hotel room where she apologizes for being terrible. Juan Pablo accepts her apology but he's a 32 year old dad who doesn't want some sloppy mess around his kid. He breaks it off with her as it's pointless for her to come to the Rose Ceremony. Plus there's an open bar and I think we all know what happens there.
It's time for another cocktail party before the rose ceremony and Juan Pablo tells the ladies how he talked to Victoria. Everyone internally is thinking she's a buzzkill who has ruined their open bar experience. This allows people who no airtime to get their five minutes so we aren't concerned random strangers wandered into the mansion. Amy L. is a reporter who interviews Juan Pablo and we learn he is not one for improv. Production must've given Sharleen a talking to, who feels bad for being an awesome rude bitch when she got the first impression rose and apologizes. Gurl, he could probably barely read it. Everyone is paranoid about their connection and it's only week two. Despite bonding over their kids, Cassandra can't decide whether to give this dumb show a try or go home to her kid. Juan Pablo eases her emotions because as a reminder, this is a man who smooth talked another girl into posing nude with a dog.
At the rose ceremony, people with screentime whose names we kinda know gets roses. Obvs. Only two girls go home including Amy we-hardly-knew-you-except-for-your-newsanchoring-from-ten-minutes-ago and Chantel, this season's only black girl. In our minds, we all pour out a 40 for Victoria.