The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Finally the travel booker for this show found a location that isn't a place that the United States visited for war. It's off to New Zealand, home of Bret, Jemaine, and fake Middle Earth! Nerd out alert! But for realz, can I go there? Everyone is ecstatic to be there because it's beautiful and they're dating such a "great" guy. But single mom Cassandra feels like bad because she's globetrotting at a slim shot at love instead of being with her kid. A heart-to-heart win other single mom Renee quickly eases the sadness. Besides, there's room for so many volcano eruption metaphors to make about love!
Way-too-intelligent-for-him Andi finally gets the one-on-one date she's been begging for. The date starts with a speedy boadride on a jet boat so they can hug each other a lot. Allegedly the locals told Juan Pablo where to take a hot date, but we know that's true because Juan Pablo doesn't pay attention when others talk. The boat stops and the pair wade through the water and squeeze through tiny cave walls for way too long until they reach a secluded waterfall for them to make out under. After the squeeze, dinner is held in front of a geyser. Because nothing more romantic than the chance to be sprayed and your kebabs drenched with water! They ditch the dinner to awkwardly hug on a bridge and try to talk about their feelings. Juan Pablo unzips his jacket to reveal a rose, and not an erotic strip tease. Andi accepts the rose and they kiss in front of the geyser while voiceovering the metaphor of their love bursting. Please punch me.
Cassandra is bummed she doesn't get a one-on-one date for her 22nd birthday. Instead Cassandra is relegated to a group date, however it's an awesome one. The group goes zorbing which, if you don't know, is rolling down a hill in an inflatable hamster ball filled with water so you slip around like crazy. Given that Juan Pablo's intelligence is on par with the ideal pet of a eight year old, this is the perfect date. So everyone gets in their teeny bikinis (or fringed one piece... Sharleen) and slip around and cling to Juan Pablo with all their might.
After zorbing, I loose my f'ing mind when dinner is held and the mother freaking Shire from Lord of the Rings. HOBBITON PEOPLE. THEY ARE EATING DINNER AT BAG-END. I mean, I guarantee he has no idea what this is and had to read a cue card to get it, but I'll take it. Seriously, this is the best date in the show's history and it didn't even have a helicopter. Plus, who wouldn't want to makeout in front of a hobbit's house? And that's exactly what happens as all the girls have their quick emotional chat and then slobber with Juan Pablo. I think only Sharleen appreciates the nerdy awesomeness, but it's hard to say that since all Juan Pablo wants to do is kiss her and all she wants to talk about is feeling unsure yet again. Cassandra just wants a birthday rose. "I think I'm going to have a happy ending here," says Juan Pablo and I really hope he means Hobbiton handjob. Sharleen gets the date rose, but he takes Cassandra aside to talk privately. He decides to set her free as they're not as the same place, and now she can be with her son and not have to wait around for the next rose ceremony. What a shitty birthday gift. But hey, trip to the Shire.
Clare gets the other one-on-one date this week so we can continue the awkwardness about the ocean makeout scandal. Despite a few short weeks together, they have to have the boundaries talk about what's acceptable and what's not. Kissing in the ocean at 4am? Too far! Kissing three to four women in one night? OK! Dude, if you don't want your daughter seeing you holding hands or kissing women, don't be on a TV show where it's the sole focus. And then they just kiss like a ton by the water, not in it, at a reasonable time of day. Because it's acceptable at this time of day. Dinner moves to a totally acceptable location: alone in the privacy of Juan Pablo's hotel room. Seriously guy? The conversation is still going on about what happened and how wonderful he is for being so apologetic. My god, this is an awful date. Poor Juan Pablo has had to pretend to listen to her for hours. They change into their sweats to be comfy and just chill. Clare gets the rose because it means she has to be silent for 24 seconds, then they kiss on his couch and while dancing to "their song." But it's cool because it's not 4am.
Because there's a lot of time to kill, Juan Pablo has his first sit-down with Chris Harrison to talk about his feelings. I don't listen. Skip ahead to the cocktail party where everyone can get all antsy before another rose ceremony. Juan Pablo grabs Nikki for alone time to allegedly talk but it's mostly kissing. It's his way of communicating past the language barriers. Renee hopes this isn't dump-the-single-mom week, while Kat and Chelsie realize they are basically easy elimination picks. Chelsie tries her hardest but Juan Pablo doesn't know what "frazzled" means so I don't know why she feels pacified. Kat talks about her daddy issues and forwardness with men and Juan Pablo again tries his hardest to listen. I'm sure he found someone to makeout with after this.
In front of a roaring fire, the latest rose ceremony commences. With only three roses left to hand out, Juan Pablo bids farewell to Kat. Kat is now free to pursue her life of backup dancer stardom in South Korea.
Next week: Sharleen is still unsure and wants to quit in sunny Miami!