February 3, 2014

The Bachelor: Vietnam is a Boring Place to Take a Date

2/03/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 5

The sexy world tour of war locations continues to Vietnam this week.  Wild guess that Juan Pablo doesn't know America had a war there.  Juan Pablo explains his goal of the week is to spend time with the women he's neglected, an obvious piece of foreshadowing.

The first date card is for the other single mom Renee, who shares that single parent bond with Juan Pablo, and that's about it.  They meet in a local town for a tourist day because Juan Pablo is apparently a big fan of eating weird local delicacies, buying dresses for his dates, and pedaling a woman in a pedi-cab.  All Renee wants is a kiss and a rose (or how about a musical montage to Seal's "Kiss from a Rose?" Sorry, wrong season).  Renee looks pretty at dinner in her custom dress, the restaurant is glowing with paper lanterns, and it's the perfect atmosphere for a kiss.  Instead he blows air in her face because she's sweaty.  They talk about single parent stuff and he gives her the rose and a kiss on the cheek. Ouch. The night ends with placing paper lanterns in the water to make a wish (shocker: Renee's wish is to get a kiss).  Juan Pablo doesn't want to kiss Renee willy-nilly because her kid is old enough to understand this nonsense.  So much for lantern wishes!

The "go with the flow" group date involves paddling in these round bamboo boats that I'm secretly finding so awesome.  Everyone groans when Juan Pablo brings Clare into his boat because she's irritating.  They sneak a kiss when stuck in a tree and the others girls see it, fuming some more because it feels like a bunch of groupies creeping on a one-on-one date.  They "randomly" find a Vietnamese family willing to host a dinner for a reality show cast, so they help pick crops from the garden.  Andi the lawyer is annoyed at being on another group date so Juan Pablo has to calm her down, reminding her she gets group date roses for a reason.

They ditch the random house for a nighttime cocktail party at a hotel and he picks Clare for alone time first. Cue more rage.  "Do you think they made it to second base yet?" jokes Kelly the dog walker, the best one there besides mopey Sharleen.  Apparently they brought swimsuits and makeout in a freezing pool.  They at some point leave the pool, he changes and dries off, and continues alone time with all the other neurotic women questioning their connection.  But everyone shuts up once they have time to makeout with ol' Juan Pablo.  So last week he kissed one woman on the group date, this week three in one night.  Clare gets the rose for being out of her comfort zone, because apparently she's the only person who had a hard time eating Vietnamese food to get attention.

While the others girls mope about the date, Clare gets the A-OK from producers to spontaneously leave their hotel to sneak into Juan Pablo's room.  She is dying to swim in the ocean and wants Juan Pablo to join her, so they put on them swimsuits and makeout in the ocean.  Hey remember when Ben Flajnik did this a couple seasons ago?  I love a good recycled story!  Apparently getting out of the "comfort zone" includes practically banging in a Vietnamese ocean.

Whiny Nikki gets the last one-on-one of the week, where the pair rappel down into a cave called "hell."  Shocker: Nikki is afraid of heights, but the dreaminess of Juan Pablo makes her OK with it all despite panicking the whole way down.  Lots of kissing and love-is-like-rappeling metaphors to celebrate getting to the bottom. It was all so boring.  Their romantic dinner is in a dark cave lit by lots of candles, which is very pretty now that I've grown to appreciate candles more.  They talk about stuff, including Nikki's job as a pediatric nurse which Juan Pablo can't pronounce eventhough his kid would probably see a pediatrician.  "But why kids?" he asks, so Nikki talks about the hope of children and he likes to hear her open up.  Caring really turns Juan Pablo on so he gives her the date rose and they do some more cave makeouts.

Everyone meets up for the latest rose ceremony and Juan Pablo announces three women are going home tonight.  Total buzzkill.  "Here's to finding love, being loved, and making love," toasts Clare with her annoying giggle.  Every time he gets alone time with someone, he's smitten with them and they become his new favorite.  Juan Pablo explains to Renee why he isn't kissing her nonstop but she's like hey, my kid is cool with it, so he goes for it.  And then there's Clare.  Juan Pablo believes he took things too far with her the other night and it's unfair to the others, not to mention he has a daughter that could see this.  Clare starts crying because her intent wasn't to disappoint or terrify his daughter, who BTW, shouldn't be watching this show even if daddy is the star.  Clare's a mess, crying all over, while Juan Pablo tells her to "delete it," but she reminds him he could've declined.  She returns, blames allergies, and now errbody's all tense from the madness.

At the rose ceremony, we finally eliminate the girls who we always forget are still there.  They are apparently named Danielle and Alli and had a combined screentime of six minutes this season.  But unfortunately we lose the hilarity of Kelly the dog lover, who had some fantastic one-liners.  Now we'll never see her adorable dog again.

Next week: a long flight to New Zealand better involve a visit to the Shire or I go on strike.

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