March 10, 2014

The Bachelor: Juan Pablo's Horrible Season is Finally Over

3/10/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 10

Finale
America waves their hands in unending praise, as Juan Pablo's journey is finally ending.  I know for a fact the live audience at After the Final Rose can't wait for it to be over because they picture-in-picture them looking miserable the entire episode.  The fans in the audience are confident this relationship will crumble, Catherine is extra chatty after getting laid by Sean at long last, and the girls of this season all know it's a clunker.

Juan Pablo's family gets a free trip to Saint Lucia to meet his final two, Nikki and Clare.  It's Clare's big moment to meet Camilla, and Clare finds him being a fun dad to be a sexy thing.  Clare blabs lots of stuff to his family, how much she loves him, her desire to pop out a bunch of babies stat or that her and Juan Pablo really communicated after their "fight " (slut-shaming).  The next day Nikki meets the rest of Juan Pablo's family, because she randomly met them weeks ago on that date where she wore inappropriately short shorts to a children's dance recital.  This time she shows a little cleave and a bare back because, hey, it's hot in Saint Lucia.  Nikki says she is in love with Juan Pablo, but his parents this time spend a lot of time pointing out what a miserable life with an overly honest and blunt Juan Pablo would be (weekends of just watching TV with his kid, apparently).  But she's like "Ehhh s'ok" because Juan Pablo's rubbed off on her.  "Best decision I ever made," Nikki says and dear god, that's going to be one of those statements you regret.

It's taken the entire season, but we FINALLY get a helicopter date when Juan Pablo and Clare have their last date.  As the helicopter lands, there's a moment with cameras and only the helicopter pilot, apparently Juan Pablo leaned in and whispered something to Clare that makes her speechless - an insulting and offensive sexual comment. He also apparently says they don't really know each other, but he enjoyed hooking up with her.  But apparently in much filthier terms.  And we know she never can stop talking.  Clare immediately begins to question this guy she's fallen for, blown away by this alarming sweet nothing.  Later that night, when usually the girl gives the guy a craft to express her love, Clare confronts Juan Pablo about what he said to her in the moment they could've had a real, wonderful private memory.  Juan Pablo goes on the offense, saying "You don't know me enough. I don't know you enough."  Of course to him, everyone is OK because he's being honest, even if honesty is crude.  Clare's just worried he's onto into something physical and nothing more, and after telling her not to blame him while he blames her but claims it's a joke, he says he knows some things but maybe he's not ready for it all.  It's all super jerky but, of course, smooths things over and she's giggly because, ugh.  This show is Stockholm Syndrome.

And now it's time for Nikki's last date, where they makeout on a boat and beach instead of a helicopter which means you don't need to turn off the cameras for landing procedures.  Nikki brings up to him that maybe he's guarded and not sharing everything, to which he of course says no.  A real telling moment is when Nikki asks what he'll do after being on this private island, which is to watch sports on TV alone.  Nikki is all wrapped up in her head wondering what Juan Pablo is thinking, to which we all know the answer: not too much.  In this hotel wrap-up, Nikki does a lot of awkward staring into the distance which I'd like to think is her using a Gob Bluth voice to say, "I've made a huge mistake."  But apparently it's her thinking about losing this "unreal" relationship with a total dud.  Nikki's gift to Juan Pablo is a picture of them riding horses on their last date that a producer had made up for her, because you know she didn't get dropped off at CVS to do this.  They share some parting kisses and cries into her fist.

It's the last day and both girls are sooo excited at the possibility of being engaged to Juan Pablo.  Listen, they haven't seen the season yet and have been reality TV prisoners - they'll know better soon.  Juan Pablo wearing a navy blue suit and is waiting by a bunch of wicker planters for the first girl to get dropped off via boat.  Clare is first and we all know what that means: she's getting dumped.  She's sure this is going to be positive since after being shamed a few nights ago for the second time he made it all seem OK.  But it's not and maybe the silence and her having to start the conversation before a proposal should've been a giveaway.  His speech to her is all nice things and he wishes the "earth sucked me" so he could've avoided this shitty outcome of dumping her, but hey, he's honest!  "I have to say goodbye to you," he says as he goes in for a jug, which she rejects.  She tells him off for leading her on, for not being honest like other girls were to him, and leaves saying she'd never want her children to have a father like him. DAYUM YOU GO GIRL! If only you said this two days ago when he was a turd the first time.  "OOF, I'm glad I didn't pick her!" Juan Pablo says. And that's the sound of America simultaneous groaning.

Nikki, wear a cobalt blue with a crazy high slit that doesn't surprise us, gets dropped off so her and Juan Pablo can be all matchy in blue.  He's fiddling around with the Neil Lane diamond halo he picked out, which we didn't see since we were too busy learning Juan Pablo was a total creep to Clare.  Anyways, Nikki voiceovers how excited she is to hear Juan Pablo loves her, the moment is near, blah blah.  Once together, she calls him an amazing person, loves him, wants to be together - all stuff that we're like, oh jesus girl you can do better.  Juan Pablo says their time together has been perfect, but also recalls Nikki's dad saying if he is going to propose he should be 100% sure.  Despite having a ring in his pocket, "I'm not going to use it."  He's decided they shouldn't get engaged but they should continue dating so instead of a $20,000 ring she gets a $3 rose because "I like you a lot."  But she accepts the final rose and they kiss a bunch, because duh, it's all they do and who can resist such a catch?

After the Final Rose

The finale rolls into After the Final Rose, where Clare is the first to come onstage.  Watching it back, Clare said it was hard and brought back the sting of that shitty day.  Chris Harrison brings up the helicopter comment, which she still doesn't want to repeat (allegedly he said, "I really loved f-cking you.")  Clare admits maaaaybe she was rocking a seriously heavy pair of rose colored glasses during this situation.  "I should've left," she says after her gut told her Juan Pablo sucked.  Clare doesn't think Juan Pablo is the man she thought he was and probably not there for the right seasons.  She is proud of herself for finally standing up to a man for treating her, and women, like garbage; that's her closure and she declines to talk to Juan Pablo again in front of the audience while he spews more fake spit to try and be liked.

Juan Pablo does come out alone and the audience is preeeetty sparse in any applause.  Juan Pablo said he didn't come there to play games and he made the decision good for him and "it is what it is."  His explanations of everything are god awful, if not nonsensical.  At one point he talks about us who hide behind a computer and the only reason I'm behind a computer is because I haven't seen Juan Pablo face-to-face.  And guaranteed if I met him, I'd throw him a look of shade and tell him how I felt.  Then, Nikki comes out onstage and has to clear up her saying "It's very over" to explain she's in love with Juan Pablo, they're still dating, and she hopes maybe he's in love with her.  She explains he expresses feelings differently and he wouldn't be here if he didn't care about her.  Chris Harrison is still like "Wait, shouldn't he love you by this point?"

Juan Pablo and Nikki are reunited together onstage and the audience could care less.  Now their four month secret can be in the open and they can hang out in public.  He supposedly told network executives there'd be a big surprise tonight, but there isn't.  Still no "love" dropped, but he claims he's private and this is real life.  "I'm being honest!" is the new Juan Pablo catchphrase, particularly when he calls out Chris Harrison for interrupting him to move along the show from Juan Pablo's nonsense.  The "success squad" reminds Juan Pablo that by signing up for the show you have no privacy, but he's OK with Juan Pablo taking his time to say I love you since everyone is different.  Chris Harrison is like, express your feelings, be happy, shine!  Because even Chris Harrison knows Juan Pablo is full of shit.  The couples plans changed "drastically" in the last two weeks which he won't say what it is, but it's that Dancing with the Stars dumped his ass.  Juan Pablo wants to keep everything private now because the show's over (Sean gives the reality check that it won't be private, and Catherine says "don't slap the hand that fed you.")  Chris Harrison explains that the viewers watch this show to watch the lead's journey and be part of their love story, so by being private it's opposite the premise.  So awkward and what a ridiculous season.  "Good on ya!" says a mind-boggled Chris Harrison.

To complete the night, Chris Harrison announces that Andi is the new Bachelorette.  Yes, the girl who called out Juan Pablo for being a selfish ass won America's hearts and will now allow us to find a much better suitor for her.  Plus, it gives Chris Harrison some more time to make fun of Juan Pablo for being a douche.  Andi will be a great Bachelorette and in all honesty, ANYONE will be better than Juan Pablo.

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