March 5, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: Total Brain Fart

3/05/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 1

Welcome to Survivor: Cagayen! Eighteen newbies are split into three tribes: brains, brawn, and beauty.  Rocking his Survivor cap and his blue shirt which he has about 94 duplicates, Jeff Probst asks each tribe to choose a leader.  Just by looking at each other and making assumptions, big handsome LJ is the beauty leader, Sarah the cop is the brawn leader, and David the dude in a suit is the brains leader.  Twist time: Probst asks the leader to name the weakest in each group.  LJ picks Morgan for being too hot, Sarah picks Trish the token older lady on her tribe, and David picks muscuclar Garrett.  Wait, what?  David shows his hand so quickly, going for the strongest guy because he's already looking forward to the last 2/3s of the game.  Ohhh David, use your brain. 

The three weaklings aren't eliminated but instead get a helicopter ride to camp where they have to make a decision that affects their tribe.  The big decision is whether to double the supplies for their tribe or selfishly search for an immunity idol.  Um considering you got screwed over, take the idol.  Morgan and Garrett opt to seek immunity, while Trish prays her decision to be kind and think of her tribe doesn't bite her in the butt later.  Garrett does indeed find the idol in the water of his beach, but Morgan isn't able to find it in time and is caught by her tribe mid-search.  Hot Morgan, who I'd honestly expect to be a dunce, ingeniously claims that rice, pots, and fishing gear that are an automatic given were her gift to the tribe.  Well played busty girl, well played.

So about the tribes.  On Solana beach, that's the beauty tribe, LJ is already suspicious that Morgan probably has an idol with her headstart at camp.  Brice and his purple pants embrace Morgan to find a partner in the game.  But as a team they work well together and even start fire on their own, the old fashioned stick rubbin' way.  The Brawn (Aparri) are so relieved that Trish chose not to scorn the entire tribe, then assemble their shelter.  Tony, the Jersey-accented Vin Diesel wannabe, denies being a cop to fellow cop Sarah, who now knows to never trust him since she can read a liar.  In case you're wondering what that is, it's like three extra palm frons that he's going to try and hide under behind the shelter to eavesdrop.  Oh god, dumbass.  Cliff can't hide for too long that he was a professional basketball player given that he's like seven feet tall.  Luzon, the Brains, are a GD disaster.  Immediately, there's distrust because David tried to dump a physical asset.  You always pick the token older lady David, always. J'Tia has a "plan" for a shelter, which includes bossing everyone with her plans and ultimately failing to construct anything livable.

The tribes convene for the first Immunity Challenge which has the teams maneuver a cart through an obstacle course while collecting chests of puzzle pieces.  They'll have to deconstruct and re-construct their cart, wrapping up with assembling the puzzle pieces into a sweet dragon puzzle.  Probst shows off the new creepy immunity idols which I'm sure are soulless gremlin creatures that haunt dreams.  The winning team gets one of those immunity idols and a fire making kit; second place gets immunity and flint; third place are big old losers that head to the first Tribal Council.  Much like camp, the Brains are a disaster and fall way behind - like an embarrassingly poor performance.  The Brawn tribe has an early physical lead, but the Beauty tribe sweeps in and wins first place thanks to LJ being a puzzle beast.  The Brawns come in second and get the flint, and eventhough the Brains get to the puzzle, it is far too late.  The Brains lose and become the first team heading to Tribal Council.

As if they weren't lacking cohesion already, the Brains have to pick themselves apart immediately.  David and Kass head into the woods to talk about the vote, and David thinks J'Tia or Garrett.  David is keen on getting Garrett off because he considers him a threat when it comes to winning the end-game but that's insane thinking on day three.  Kass is very open that J'Tia isn't pulling her weight and needs to go, going so far as to tell J'Tia to her face.  J'Tia tells her new bestie Tasha, who explains that yes J'Tia is bossy, but there could be a solution.  Garrett pitches the idea to get rid of David who is already scheming.  An alliance is made for Garrett, J'Tia, Tasha, and Spencer.  Spencer worries about voting off David, fearing that when he's off wandering with Kass he actually might hold a hidden immunity idol.  Garrett still doesn't mention it's him holding an idol which would make this all a lot easier.

Tribal time!  It's pouring and the thunder is rolling, a wonderful sign from Mother Nature of the destruction to come.  Luzon dip their tribes into the fire for the ritual of fire representing life, one of my favorite things to repeat along with Jeff.  Right off the bat, J'Tia expresses that she might be a target tonight and didn't meant to be a bossypants while failing at Shelter Building 101.  David doesn't seem to have issues still with targeting Garrett, but Garrett doesn't feel that he's a target ("Not tonight," says David).  J'Tia throws it right out there that David should go, not her.  And apparently the majority of the tribe agrees and in a total Survivor premiere shocker, David is the first eliminated from the game. DAYUM!

But guess what? It's a two hour season opener so we're doing this allllllll again!

In his most Playgirl of poses, Garrett interviews about how despite surviving the first vote, he's not having fun with the level of discomfort.  Aww he hates surviving on Survivor.  But he's still gaming, so Garrett and Spencer try to set themselves up with options and attempt to pull Kass into an alleged final three alliance.  Over at the Brawn camp, Cliff and Woo become fast besties, tipping canoes together and sharing laughs ("Batman always had Robin. Jordan had Pippin. Cliff has Woo.")  Trish and Lindsey get into a spat over firewood, as Trish implies dread-lock Lindsey is the lazy one. Everyone loves Cliff which fumes Tony who wants to be the alpha running everything.  Tony decides to add a "spy shack" onto the shelter to listen to conversations late at night, but last time I checked it's like three extra palm fronds to cover him next to the existing shelter. LAME.  He's at least smart enough to search the challenge reward for an idol clue and successfully finds the hidden immunity idol.  Skip the the beauty tribe where Brice is sussing everyone out and decides to user Jeremiah's attraction to Morgan as a way to create a three person alliance.

The three tribes meet at the beach for their next Immunity Challenge.  The teams have to swim out to untie baskets of puzzles within a submerged cage, then drag the baskets back to assemble the puzzle pieces.  Despite J'Tia's slowness in the water, their tribe hits the beach first and begins their puzzle.  J'Tia takes the reign of the puzzle and completely blows it.  Their entire lead is lost as she gets super stressed when other teams do well, plus the Beauties come from behind with LJ's puzzle magic. 
The Brawn tribe wins first place which includes a deluxe fishing kit with their immunity, and the Beauty tribe comes in second so they also are immune and get a lil' fishing kit.  Yet again, the Brains are total failures and heading to Tribal Council.  Let the Pagoning commence!

The Brain tribe returns to camp and Garrett tries to issue a moratorium on gaming, trying to force everyone to openly say who they are voting out and not allowed to sneak off and game elsewhere.  J'Tia is the clear choice to go home after shitting shelter building and blowing two challenges.  Oh and because she dumps their entire stock of rice in a moment of bitterness, all while her teammates Tasha and Kass are discussing a potential blindside bossy, demanding Garrett to save J'Tia.  Guys, Tasha is here to play the game OK and you can't boss her around and hold her back from scheming!  But all the scheming can't help when J'Tia pulls such a dick move that guarantees your elimination.

Tribal time! I mean really, do we have to talk it out because if you dump out the food source you've gotta go, right?  They talk about the open forum elimination chat and Garrett's control over the situation.  Once Garrett opens his mouth, it's all a disaster.  Garrett claims he wasn't trying to mastermind things, but gets caught by openly talking about all his alliance options.  He throws Kass into the mix and she doesn't appreciate words being put into her mouth about them being in an alliance.  Then Tasha and J'Tia are surprised because they were supposed to have an alliance with Garrett too.  Garrett's spilling way too much, trying to take out everyone in the process to save himself.  It fails.  Despite burning the rice and being a detriment in challenges, J'Tia is safe and Garrett is voted out of the game.  Methinks the pre-show winner prediction knocked out a lot of people tonight.  This season is gonna rule.