The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
It's hometown date week! That means these girls have to present Juan Pablo to their family like a reasonable suitor and their family either fakes the funk or is straight up that he's a dud.
First stop on the hometown tour is Nikki in Kansas City, Missouri (not Kansas) where she takes Juan Pablo out for BBQ and he eats ribs like a sissy because despite being in this country for years, has never had this cuisine. In return for the humiliation of South Korean backup dancing, Nikki forces Juan Pablo onto a mechanical bull and it's in no way sexy or fun for us (Nikki enjoys). Juan Pablo meets Nikki's family for dinner where he becomes family, much like the rules of Olive Garden. Nikki confides in her mom that she's in love with Juan Pablo but wants to wait for the right time to tell him. Her dad is basically OK with it since he trusts his daughter, but requests Juan Pablo hold off on a proposal unless he's super into it. Nikki can't explain her love for Juan Pablo and truthfully, not a single one of us could either. DUD CITY. An "I love you" is not said by the end of the night so I guess we'll all hold our breath until it happens.
Juan Pablo flies to Atlanta for time with Andi who is so excited to bring Juan Pablo into her own element. Before the family time, the pair head to a gun range for some uncomfortable date time. If only the paper targets had Juan Pablo's portrait on them. I'm sure that's what Nikki's family is thinking too because dad, like the world, is not Team Juan Pablo. Her family begins to hear that it took weeks for Andi to get a one-on-one date, which means not a lot of time together. Favorite moment: mom's reaction when Andi said they went to Vietnam. "Ohhh..." Mom's more upset at the idea that she passed on a bad-dancing gene, so dad continues the grilling of Juan Pablo. Andi's dad thinks it's crazy to ask for her hand in marriage when it's still a maybe with three other girls on the table. This dad rules. Even her sister doesn't think Juan Pablo is the one and Andi's wants re-assurance eventhough she's not totally in love with the dud either. Despite the family's haterade, Andi still feels she close to being in love Juan Pablo.
Off to Sarasota where Renee is reunited from her son after being on this lame show for two months. The couple makeout by Ben's baseball field before the big reunion moment and watching Ben's baseball game. Later he meets the family while we sit through some weird moments where Renee has to catch up on all the things her son likes in her absence. But Renee is sure her time was well spent because she's head-over-heels for the dumbass Juan Pablo. Favorite LOL moment: Renee's dad saying Juan Pablo is a good guy and "you can really get a read on him." Yeah the deep vacant stares tell 1,000 stories. Renee gets all swoony but due to a "lack of flow" doesn't drop the L-bomb.
The final stop is Clare's hometown of Sacramento and she can't wait to show off the city she loves and her family, but not her dad since it's the guy she's bringing home that will be unable to meet her dad. Instead it's a houseful of ladies with mom and the gaggle of sisters. Clare tells one of her sisters that should Juan Pablo propose, she'd definitely say yes. Some of the family is very happy Laura has found love, including mom. But another sister doesn't know if they should give a marriage blessing and Clare's feels like sister Laura is putting words in mama's mouth. No it's your sister being reasonable and pointing out that this is TV and you're enchanted by the elaborate setup of these exquisite TV dates. The other sisters intervene to talk to Laura and encourage her to get to know Juan Pablo because he's such a winner. And mom speaks Spanish so maybe he might make sense to her. So in the end, Clare's family is OK with Juan Pablo and she is dying to marry him.
Juan Pablo's final four are whisked back to LA for a rose ceremony. One will be eliminated and the other three will hop on a flight for some fantasy suite bone zonin'. Everyone is nervous because they failed to tell Juan Pablo they love him, a card most would've played by now. Juan Pablo chooses to move forward with the possibility of intercourse with Clare, Nikki, and Andi. Single mom Renee is out, which makes Juan Pablo cry. She tells Juan Pablo that she did fall in love with him but he's opened her eyes to a whole new world. Like one full of free trips. But she's not bitter and just hopes to find love and make a family for her and her son.
After a week of being grilled by disapproving families, Juan Pablo now has the chance to bang his final three and decide which will make a good fiance that'll dump him in two months. This year's fantasy suite dates happen in Saint Lucia, which is absolutely gorgeous and makes me want another vacation stat. Juan Pablo is excited for the overnight dates for the lack of cameras which allows him time to talk to the girls off-camera ("talk" - wink, wink).
Clare and Juan Pablo kick off the dates by taking a little motorboat to a big, expensive yacht. The expensive yacht is another dream location to talk about feelings, Laura's family, and voiceover about Clare being soooo in love with Juan Pablo. Dinner is in this really cool hut within a cave thing where Clare perfects her duckface pout while making conversation about Camilla. Despite her earlier hesitation about accepting her fantasy suite card, like the idea of being slut-shamed by Juan Pablo again, Clare accepts the fantasy suite card because Juan Pablo approves. In the suite they toast to knowing each other a lot more by the morning, though it can't be that much to learn since he's confused why Clare looks like she thinks too much. Her "thinking" is making her pouty face while admitting she's falling in love with him. Ugh, they make me gag. Listen, I still feel bad about the way he treated her for their beach rendez-vous, however everything Clare does comes off phony and inauthentic to me. It's like she's trying to look like a soap star in love in every moment. And so they spend the night "talking" in the hot tub or probably "talking" all over the suite.
Juan Pablo's second date is with Andi, who is excited to see him again eventhough her family wisely gave the opinions of disapproval. They wander the city, play steel drums, and encourage a random Saint Lucian child to talk to strangers. God I feel bad for the three children who were forced to share a picnic table with Juan Pablo. But at least they get to play some soccer in the process. They ditch the locals for a ride in a land buggy to a waterfall, an ideal location to address Andi's father's reluctance to give his daughter away to some loser on a reality show. At their cuddly dinner, Juan Pablo tells Andi there's no problem thinking, then talk a lot about overthinking. Andi tells Juan Pablo that she's glad he brought up Atlanta because it means he was actually listening, and he's like "I always listen!" Which is hilarious since we viewers are all convinced he never listens or retains anything. Andi accepts the fantasy suite card, which Juan Pablo says will be a good time to talk and assess whether Andi would be a good stepmom. Andi is psyched for the overnight portion of the date and the romance that will be had.
Except it's the worst. Juan Pablo loved how they talked and laughed for hours ("hours, hours... like HOURS!"), but Andi isn't sharing the love. In fact she couldn't wait to escape the fantasy suite because he only wanted to talk about himself and not listen to her. Andi admits there was a chemistry that kept her attracted and why she's still there, but last night she realized he didn't care to really learn more about her. He even talked about his overnight with Clare, which is so gross. Andi is repulsed by him and it's amazing to see someone finally acknowledge the BS of this process. She can't fake it anymore and knows Juan Pablo isn't the one. Thank god because I've been saying for weeks that Andi is too smart, beautiful, and charming for Juan Pablo.
Before we can see the fallout of this disaster, Juan Pablo has his overnight date with Nikki who apparently raided the 70s section of a vintage store for a fringe swimsuit top and patterned pants. They ride horses through the green grass besides the cresting waves of the ocean, which is so pretty. A master of words, Juan Pablo puts his foot in his mouth about not being sure about who he's picking in the end so he does what he does best and switches to kissing to avoid speaking. At dinner, he again points out how hard Nikki is thinking because it's the one ability he has: understanding when people are thinking really hard. Dinner quickly moves onto the fantasy suite where Nikki eventually says "I love you" and he makes that goofy smirk of his and then they makeout.
Back to the good stuff: Andi's newfound revelation that Juan Pablo sucks. After his chat with Chris Harrison, Juan Pablo watches the videos the girls made for him and that's when he learns Andi might be troubled. So her video leads to her slowly walking up the hill to meet him and tell him the truth: he sucks. Andi tells him she's not in love with him and won't be, and he's all grins and says like "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be." Andi doesn't believe he should be "OK" with it because she missed a lot and left things behind. Juan Pablo uses the English-is-my-second-language defense to detract from the fact that he only says "S'OK" to express feelings. Andi's gripe is that he knows nothing about her and doesn't care to learn anything. "I want to die if I have to hear 'It's OK' again," Andi says. "That's fine," says Juan Pablo, who proves he knows another reassuring phrase. Apparently at some point he told Andi she was there "by default" which he was wrong to say, because he meant "barely" which is more irritating to her. Andi hates his alleged honesty which she sees as him being a dick. Plus, he knows nothing about her politics, beliefs, etc. All I can say is AMEN. Juan Pablo has been a dud all season and it's the situation of having a bunch of single women around one guy, being placed in situations that are utterly perfect, that creates this wash of emotion. Then you hear him speak and you realize, "Wait, he's a moron." The dud doesn't appreciate words being put into his mouth, but someone has to put some there. Andi, you're a winner and America loves you.
If you want to talk about "by default," technically Clare and Nikki are automatically the final two since Andi quit. But seeing as Juan Pablo knew nothing about Andi, said she "barely" made it three, and thinks everything is OK, this was likely his choice anyways. Chris Harrison tells the women that Andi is gone, but let's Juan Pablo do the talking to poorly explain the story. He at least gets it right that she didn't like him and he can't force someone to like him. Juan Pablo allows them the opportunity to not take the rose in case they also have the epiphany that he stinks, but they don't. Can you imagine a life with Juan Pablo? Oh jeez... good luck, ladies!