June 23, 2014

The Bachelorette: All's Fair in Love and Lie Detector Tests

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 5

The guys arrive in Venice via boat, which is the douchiest boat of all time and in no way as dreamy as White Squall. But there's no time for fun, because Andi greets the guys and quickly whisks Nick off for a 1-on-1 date.  Andi and Nick multiple gondola rides, tour the city hand-in-hand, feed pigeons (GROSS), try on masks, and best of all... eat pizza and gelato.  It's all about the snacks, people. Yet another gondola brings the duo to their night date, and it's at a breathtaking masquerade hall with baroque fixtures, painted ceilings - it's beautiful.  While Nick addressed his pissy attitude a little earlier, Andi brings up the group date last week and worries that all the guys hate him since that's a bad sign. Nick doesn't like the guys calling him the frontrunner, but he doesn't want to openly say, "Yeah duh, I'm the best." This process is weird for Nick (as it is for everyone, but whatever), but is glad he and Andi can have real conversations.  "I'm definitely falling in love," Nick says.  The date reaffirms Andi's feelings for Nick, and vice versa, so she gives him the date rose.  Some accordion music eerily begins to play, but it's sadly NOT ghosts ala The Haunted Mansion.  Instead masquerade masks are conveniently placed under the table for them to wear while dancing to a three piece band.

Six guys join Andi for a group date where they go around Venice taking in tourist stuff again.  Cheese, marionettes - laughs all around!  That is until they enter a dark castle full of armor and torture gear.  Andi is all about honesty and knows how to plan a great date, so this week the guys undergo lie detector tests! SEXY, AMIRITE??  But Andi's a good sport and takes the lie detector first to show she's a trustworthy gal.  It's a breeze for her - yes she's falling in love and thinks her husband is in the mix.  Josh is reeeeal hesitant about the lie detector and not being able to explain himself.  The guys all get asked if they're there for the right reasons, but we're most shocked to learn Dylan doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Instant dealbreaker.  Then Dylan says he's sick and has to go back to the hotel.  Second biggest revelation besides ol' pee hands, is that Chris is the infamous secret admirer who has sent Andi three love notes.  The results are handed out and it turns out Andi told two lies: Italy isn't her favorite country and she doesn't believe all the guys are here for the right reasons.  Andi really wants to know the results but also wants them to trust her, so she rips up all the results. So basically, a complete boring waste for us viewers.  We've learned nothing. Someone lied three times! C'MON!

The night date allows the guys more time to get to know Andi while sipping cocktails in a castle.  Yet we still know nothing about the lie detector tests, which will forever irk me.  Brian sets up a "manual" lie detector by putting Andi's hand to his heart and he turns beat red really quirk. He tests her and asks if she wants to makeout. "No!" "You're lying!" Smooth, creepy move Brian.  Marcus continues to be the most boring man on earth, admitting he almost quit once and he's in love with her.  They makeout.  Josh is salty about the lie detector test because he feels a lie detector test is the opposite of trust.  She didn't look at the results, tool.  He's probably the one who lied three times as he keeps getting defensive.  Andi is now questioning the guys and realizes she was a dumbass to rip up the results, especially after two random Italian guys had to work for a couple hours to create said lie detector results.  Faith in love is restored when Chris admits to Andi he is her secret admirer, and he's glad he could tell her face-to-face; they kiss.  Chris gets the group date rose, then JJ gets pissy about guys being happy that competitors are getting roses.  Someone's wine must've turned, cause them is some sour grapes!

Big, beefy Cody finally gets his 1-on-1 date in Verona and I'm already dreading the inevitable Romeo and Juliet re-enactment.  Thankfully it's quick before they respond to letters that people wrote to Juliet.  Or like ask for advice?  This is a thing?  Like Juliet is Dear Abby? I've never been more confused.  Cody coincidentally finds a person's love note that completely mirrors his entire storyline of the show about not being noticed and being tongue-tied.  Cody just spills his feels to Andi so she understands him but c'mon, she's not feeling him romantically and we all know it.  Cody gets all gussied up for dinner in a striped blazer and one hell of a deep V.  As we all dream our man would wear to a romantic dinner.  Cody writes his own "Dear Juliet" letter to express his feelings for Andi.  It's a lot of "Awwwws" from Andi, but she's got a look of dread plastered on her face the whole time.  I can't tell if he's pleading out of excitement or just can't read the signals, like Andi tearing up and putting her head on her hand.  Andi doesn't feel a romantic connection with Cody and starts crying as she lets him down and dumps him.

The guys are whisked in some ballin' old Bentleys to a mansion/vineyard in Verona for the evening's cocktail party rose ceremony.  Nick snags Andi immediately for alone time and of course is hated since he has a rose.  Nick and Andi start mackin' and she's turned on.  Dylan steals her away and I hope he's applied a little Purell before grabbing Andi's hand. As the other guys get their time, Josh gets more antsy because he has to keep reminding himself that he's all about Andi, all the time.  When he gets his time, Andi confronts him on why he was so bitchy about the last date. And he has no good reason because again, I bet he was the one who lied a lot.

Since Chris Harrison didn't get to hand out date cards, his paycheck collection of the week is to interview Andi.  She only had an OK week which is how I felt watching this episode.  Chris Harrison is glad Andi didn't read the results, but Andi is having a hard time with Josh being combative about the alleged lack of trust.  This week was such a bummer for Andi that it's even made her question what could happen at the end of this love voyage.  One guy is going home this week and the rose ceremony reveals we're losing JJ, the pantsapreneur.  With Marquel and JJ gone, all the fashion heavy-lifting will be left to Andi.

Next week: everyone hates Nick in Brussels