June 16, 2014

The Bachelorette: But First, Let Me Mime a Selfie

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 4 (because recap episodes don't count)

Goodbye USA and bonjour Marseille, France!  "It's the perfect place to fall in love," Andi says and will likely say about five more times when they change countries.  Before the week of dates begin, Chris Harrison meets Andi at a cafe rocking a sweet turtleneck to ask if she's falling in love. "STOOOOOP!" Andi says. Catchphrase alert!

Josh the baseball player who skeeves me out gets the first solo date of the week.  They grab some sandwiches to go before making out on a boat.  Despite not wanting to be pigeon-holed as an athlete, Josh talks about how we was a 2nd round draft but stopped because he wanted a family. Suuuuuure Josh.  The boat brings them to the Calanques, some really cool rocks, where they make awkward conversation as the wind blows.  Andi acknowledges their chemistry, but worries there's nothing else there because snoozeville.  Dinner is at Palais Longchamps, which is this baller castle with marble statues (which of course means it's classy). Andi expresses her hesitance to dating athletes given her poor track record.  Josh is so comfortable with Andi and wants her to not pigeon-hole him for being an "athlete" ages ago.  He wants to marry the next person he says "I love you" to and I'm assuming that excludes getting drunk with his boyz and making declarations.  Andi loves that Josh makes her lower her guard and gives him the date rose.  The night ends with a private concert by Ben Fields (don't worry, I don't know him either) and more of Andi's sweet dancing an subtitled whispers.

There's nothing more French than MIMES! The guys get a lesson in the art of being a mime, and they're all total creeps so it makes sense to add an even higher level of creepiness to them.  But a lesson isn't enough, so the guys slip on their horizontal stripes, berets and top hats, suspenders, and head onto the streets to freak out the French people.  The good news for the people of France is mime requires them to be silent as opposed to torturing the ears of Boyz II Men fans of California. Marquel is the best mime because he's fantastic.  Nick is pretty miserable because he's a sourpuss that hates group dates.  But no one is more miserable than the crowds that just wanted to walk to the store and not get mimed at by lame Americans.

A day of miming rewards the guys with nighttime cocktails in a bar/dungeon.  JJ grabs Andi for one-on-one time first and brings her onto a ferris wheel (it'd be a lot cooler if you climbed it like Divergent).  Andi is pressing Chris to speak up about "the bros," and he brings up Nick's shitty 'tude. The guys are trying to stay drama-free, but they can't. Cody is vocal about Nick's arrogance, as a lot of guys think he assumes he's the frontrunner and no one else matters.  Cody's upset that Nick mocked him being thankful, which is seriously the dumbest argument ever.  Plus he's tattling to Andi, which is so lame.  Nick tells Andi he loved the miming, but she points out he's salty on group dates and sadly that's how this show works so deal with it.  Despite their chemistry, Andi is taken aback that the nice guys in the house don't like Nick which is a red flag but a corny poem wins her back.  But that's not the only drama: Marquel is still reeling over hearing a rumor that Andrew called him "blackie" after the first rose ceremony.  Marquel is hurt, hating that the first thing that comes to people about him is his race (not me: it's his charm and smile - I love you Marquel).  Marquel confronts Andrew, who does a WHAAAAAT shocked chuckle and insists he didn't say it, saying he treats everyone with the respect they deserve and that this is a lie. Andrew tells Andi there's been issues with guys lying about him, but won't get into the details because who wants to tell Andi they've been accused of making a racist comment?  The date rose goes to JJ for making Andi feel special, even in a group setting.

The other one-on-one date goes to Brian, but there's no basketball court for him to use as a safety blanket this week.  Andi takes Brian to the tiniest cinema ever to see The Hundred Foot Journey, a wonderful jumping off point of product placement before the pair cook a meal together.  After shopping for ingredients, the pair head to Andi's apartment to cook. I get the idea of cooking something super French like frog legs, but like, leave it to the professionals before you get sick.  Or hire a tiny rat to puppet you to construct such a meal.  Andi is hoping Brian will get a little handsy with her in the kitchen, sneaking kisses and stuff, but no. The kitchen is no basketball court.  "There's no flavor," Andi remarks about their frog legs, a deeper metaphor for the failing relationship we're watching on our screens.  They ditch their poor cooking for fine restaurant cuisine.  Brian loves the date they had with the movies and market, strategically avoid being the least romantic cook ever because snazz it up for TV guy.  Andi wants him to loosen up and be more forthright, and despite the shaky start he gets the date rose. Then they make out in the empty kitchen of an operating restaurant. Shouldn't people be working? Did magical elves make the food? A RAT?!

Instead of a cocktail party, Andi and her Katniss-braid have a chat with Chris Harrison about the current state of her love quest.  Andi wants to go with her gut instinct because she already knows who she wants to bang and who she wants to leave in the friendzone.  Andi's so sure she's not going to cut the required one; she's cutting three. DUN DUN DUNNNN!  No cocktail party?! But how will people lube up with a couple of drinks to pretend take this seriously? Everyone is nervous, or really everyone who felt they needed more time to plead their case.  Leaving us this week are Andrew, his bro Patrick, and our smiling, lovable Marquel.

Next week: lie detector tests in Venice!