June 1, 2014

The Bachelorette: I'll Make Love to You and Destroy Your 90s R&B Jam

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 3 - Part 1

The first date card brings Nick and Andi together to ride bikes around Santa Barbara.  It's a very normal date and the term "chill" is used a lot. But the date continues by hiking amongst some gorgeous rocks as the sun sets.  Nick is a bit skeptical of this whole process, but he admits he has a crush on Andi.  With their wine in hand, they keep scaling rocks and hug it out high above Los Angeles.  Dinner is a romantic dinner by the Santa Barbara courthouse because where else would a DA dine?  Andi wonders why Nick is the single guy in his group, which he cites to a long high school relationship and one rushed rebound.  This doesn't bug Andi who comes to appreciate his hesitance at love.  Nick's pretty realistic in knowing many people fall in love with the idea of it and this show's version of love, but it's not the same as real love in everyday life that isn't full of helicopters.  Andi gives Nick the date rose and the pair head up to the viewing tower for kissing with a view.

The group date guys get so pumped at the prospect of a karaoke date, especially the opera singer guy who thinks his skillz will earn him a rose. Inside the Music Academy of the West is the best surprise ever: Boyz II Men. Swoon alert! Boyz II Men sing "I'll Make Love to You" before the guys complete destroy the song with their "singing voices." As you'd expect, the guys are absolute garbage.  I dub Josh the absolute worst because based on the way he sang, I think he thinks he's super talented (like creepy Kasey who will guard and protect you're heart) and he's not good especially his attempts at runs.  Andi is tasked with the daunting task of singing "Yeeeeah" and she's also awful, cracking up at her terribleness.  An outdoor mall crowd gets the time of their life with the treat of a free Boyz II Men concert, but nothing comes without a price.  The crowds are then tortured by Andi's suitors performance, and if I was there I would throw any heavy object I could at the stage.  At least the guys embrace the performance side, especially Marquel, and how horrible they are.  Meanwhile, a R&B classic lays in wreckage.

After coming to grips with the devastation they unleashed upon a mall concert crowd, Andi and her guys head to late night poolside cocktail party at a hotel (again, no roofs).  Jersey Shore wannabe Cody gets alone time first because Andi has heard from the guys that he has a girlfriend.  He's so perplexed but turns out it's a joke because she's such a mischief maker.  Meanwhile I think he popped one of his enlarged veins.  Eric worries about his connection with Andi in a post-one-on-one date world.  Marcus is really into Andi and she likes him too, admitting she tries to catch his attention often; they share a kiss.  Josh says he forgot the song lyrics because he was so nervous around Andi and he just wants to see her all the time, every day. Guys, I think Josh is so skeevy but Andi is SO into him.  They makeout a bunch and I cringe, but I bet this guy is going to last for way too long since he gets the date rose.  The night wraps with Andi kicking off a group singalong to "I'll Make Love to You" one last time and somewhere the guys from Boyz II Men are weeping in a hot tub full of cash.

The last one-on-one date goes to JJ the pantsapreneur AKA best job title of this show ever. Sorry Kelly the dog lover).  Given this is JJ's first date, since he was declined such delights last week, Andi has something else in Santa Barbara planned (it's a Santa Barbara date trifecta!).  This very special date is to get a head-to-toe Mrs. Doubtfire makeover to become an adorable old couple. Wait, what if the elderly couple talking to Andi and Chris last week was actually Andi and JJ time-travelling???  Now decked out like an old happy couple, Andi and JJ walk around trying to fool regular people into thinking they're like kooky old people and has them says "It's out 50th anniversary" over and over.  Sometimes they're weak-walking, the next minute they're doing cartwheels to freak people out. But at least they get to roll deep on some Rascals.  JJ finds Andi attractive, but mainly her personality which explains why he's cool with kissing grandparent style.  I love JJ, he's my favorite, especially when he busts out Werther's.  Andi and JJ de-makeup and head to a romantic dinner to get to know each other outside of their costumes.  He fears he won't find a girl who accepts him and all his quirky, unique ways.  Andi likes him though and gives him the date rose.

Ron gets a phone call from home, packs his bags, and hugs it out with his bros as he is leaving the show due to a friend's passing.  Dylan wants Andi to know his story to really know him about his two siblings who died from drugs. He doesn't want to tell this in a 5-minute save yourself convo but on a private date.

Cocktail party! Eric grabs Andi for alone time, but it's interrupted by a flower delivery from Nick.  Andi loves this simple, sweet, normal gesture of romance. Marcus is basically pulling the love at first site card (and a little notecard) on Andi so he can score some more makeout time.  The guys want to call out Andrew, as they know he is not there for the right reasons, bragging about snagging the hostess' number at dinner last week. Not cool bro. Josh and JJ pull Andrew aside and he declines to discuss it and hides out in his room.  In becomes a bigger event when Andrew talks about it in front of all the guys in the living room, and he claims she gave the number in front of everyone (everyone insists they found out when he came into the van to brag about it).  It's all a mess but Andi is still unaware.

Andi's fuschia dress is everything this week, but I digress. At the rose ceremony, Andi sets two suitors free.  Andrew the douche gets a rose, turning the heads of every guy in the room who's like "Seriously, bro?"  That means Andi has decided to dump Brett the lamp guy and Brandon the boring opera singer.  I just have to share Brandon's corny departure speech, before the waterworks begin, which I'm going to recite on the reg about banal things: "I love to be loved. And I love to love." Talk about a bum note! OPERA JOKES!

Next time on The Bachelorette: an exotic weekend in Connecticut!!! And this show is real to Andi!