June 2, 2014

The Bachelorette: The Rosebuds, The Five Hearts, and The Poker Face

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 3 - Part 2

The show heads off on the road for the first time and they head to beautiful New England for a kinda shitty fall weekend.  I can say that because I live there!  The guys are ballin' out in a suite at Mohegan Sun, and by ballin' I mean seeing how many guys they can stuff in a tub.

Dylan receives the first one-on-one date where they ride on the Essex Steam Train like it's the Polar Express without a terrifying CGI Tom Hanks.  They toot the horn before getting into a train car, take in the sights, and make awkward attempts to talk. Dylan clearly wants to open up to Andi, but he's hesitant and lends itself to a quiet train ride with abrupt sentences.  At night they eat dinner inside a non-moving train car.  Dylan is still tense, so Andi tries to get him to talk to her and get to know the guy.  Dylan opens up about his family and how his two siblings died from drugs (which we learned about on night one of this two night "spectacular").  It's a sad story and definitely not bringing any levity to the jovial idea of an old timey train date.  Dylan doesn't want her pity and asks Andi to not keep him around if she's not truly interested.  Andi then feels guilty about making him bring all this stuff up in his hometown. I mean, production picks the dates Andi.  Andi is moved by Dylan is gives him the date rose, assuring him it's not out of pity at all but because he was so open.  The night ends with one last train whistle toot and a collective sigh from viewers that the date is over.

"Who's got game?" asks the group date card, before whisking the guys off to play some hoops.  "New England is the birthplace of basketball," Andi tells us in this week's history lesson. The guys think they're totally hot in front of Andi, but they're about to get schooled by a bunch of WBNA ladies.  Bad news is it's not a shirts vs. skins battle where we get some shirtless dudes. The good news: the women crush the guys. Girl power!  Afterwards, the guys play a game where the winning team continues with the evening portion of the date; losers hit the fancy suite showers.  There's corny team names (Rosebuds vs. The Five Hearts), a lot of falling, and pep talks.  The Rosebuds kick major butt thanks to Brian's actual job of being a basketball coach.  They cheer like they just defeated the Monster Squad in Space Jam.  Like they're the damn Dream Team of '92.  The Five Hearts take their defeat into some locker room pouting.

The night portion of the date takes the Rosebuds (Coach Brian, Marquel, Eric, Cody, Andrew, and Nick) to the Vista Lounge for drinks and chatter. Andi talks to Eric alone first, worried that their relationship has stalled since their one-on-one date the first week.  He wishes everything was a little more casual, from the setting to the wardrobe, and the honest conversation about a lacking relationship makes it kick-off again.  Andi gets super turned on when Brian nails a half court shot, but his signal game sucks and miss the opportunity to mack.  Nick gets all up on it though, heading in for some smoochin' before talking.  Brian gets the date rose for his skills on and off the court, except for the key part of knowing when to go in for a solid TV makeout. Then he has no skills. "Getting this rose is better than winning the state championship," Brian says without realizing one day he'll regret saying something so stupid.

Andi's already totally smitten with Marcus so a one-on-one date with him makes her very giddy.  He gets the first extreme date of the season: rappelling down the side of the hotel.  Like any guest of the Mohegan Sun requests from the concierge.  Andi and Marcus are both afraid of heights so she feels this date is a great time to test their will. "Andi! Lean back hun!" Marcus says about 94 times, trying to get a hesistant Andi to start the descent.  Marcus succeeds and the pair scale down the building, making small talk about life to distract them before passing the guys suite as they bang on the windows.  Andi and Marcus bask in their triumph at the bottom with a kiss.  Later they have dinner at the oldest working inn and toast to trusting each other.  Andi is the first girl he feels comfortable opening up to after three years, given a crappy prior relationship.  Marcus gets the rose, obviously, and the date continues with the couple dancing and making out on an elevated platform above all these regular humans while some country singer performs. You are all extras in Andi and Marcus's world.  Marcus becomes the first person to get too into the process and says he's falling in love with Andi; it's been three weeks.

Andi's going into the cocktail party hoping to uncover the mystery of the day: who sent her a secret admirer love letter?  And who still writes using cursive.  In "WE GET IT BRIAN," he takes Andi to the basketball court AGAIN and this time goes for the kiss.  A maybe-buzzed Marquel teaches Andi self defense to avoid the creepy touches of too many suitors.  Eric calls Andi out on her claim he's not being open, saying it's her who's only sharing on a superficial high level, always rocking a poker face even when they can be open together alone. "I came on here to meet a person, not a TV actress," and Andi is like WHAAAAAAT.  Andi is offended by Eric's accusations and says he doesn't understand what this is like, having to give everyone attention and crush hearts.  Plus they're at a casino so isn't a poker face a good thing this week?  Anyways, Andi isn't having it, Eric apologizes, but it's too late. It's over and Eric gets a cab home.

Andi comes back and starts dropping "y'alls" nonstop in her emotional outpouring. She doesn't want any guys around that think she's acting or that this isn't all real.  Andi has no poker face, she's tired!!

The show doesn't end with a rose ceremony (but we learn Tasos went home as well), but a remembering of Eric who passed away after the filming of the show. No snark here - a sad loss and he was a great guy.

Next time: MIMES!!!!!