July 14, 2014

The Bachelorette: Love, Heartbreak, and Fantasy Suites in the Dominican Republic

 The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 8 - Overnight Dates

Andi and her final three head to the Dominican Republic for their exotic fantasy suite dates because one man's spring break location is another's reality show overnight date dream. Andi's claim to fame is her Juan Pablo tell-off at this point in the process, so she's hoping things go better this time around. How can they not, there's a heart shaped patch island in the ocean!

Andi's first overnight date is with Nick and he is #blessed with the opportunity for a helicopter date. FINALLY. Why has this show been slacking on helicopters? Anyways the helicopter drops Andi and Nick off at a private island so they can get all sexy with each other in the ocean and I can yell, "Get a room!" at the TV. Oh and snorkeling. Andi's main worry is that at Nick's hometown date his family told him his past breakups were worse than she thought, but he explains it all away as Andi chows down on pita chips or something. Nick fumbles in a rambling daytime attempt to say "I love you," but thankfully there's still dinner, not to mention a fantasy suite awaiting. Dinner is on the beach and apparently "having time" on this show means having access to a computer, printer, and a poor illustrator to write a corny fairy tale for Andi. There's lots of blank pages at the end of the book, perfect to fill in with more horrible drawings of the pair kissing around the world. Nick escorts Andi aside to the trees (and hopefully a PA burns that fairy tale) to make his big declaration. Leaning against a tree, Nick tells Andi about all the things he loves about her and says "I love you," and then they really makeout against a tree again. Then head to their fantasy suite to makeout more (and probably head to the bone zone).

Josh is the second date of the week, able to lap up the sloppy seconds of Nick. It's yet another date where Andi and her date walk around a town and bother the locals. But Josh makes Andi feel young and vibrant, especially when he speaks Spanish at a mediocre level and forces us to watch more of Andi's poor dancing skills. Since Josh has literally nothing else about him except being a former baseball player, Andi takes him to watch and play ball with a bunch of kids that'll probably lost longer in the pros some day than Josh did. But Josh's way with kids makes Andi happy since it means he'll be a good dad. Josh tells Andi how much he loves her as a bunch of disgusting pigeons fly by their heads. Nothing more romantic than flying rats! Dinner is at a beautiful resort with lots of cobblestones and, how surprising, the food is never touched. Andi's goal of the night is making sure Josh is serious and wants to be married and have a family. Once again Josh requests Andi not make snap judgements about his being a former athlete to which I roll my eyes, but he tells Andi he loves her. Josh accepts the fantasy suite card and they get into their swimsuits and get down in the pool.

Chris is the final date of the week as his position in the line-up as third only confirms his standing in Andi's eyes. Right away she voiceovers that she's not sure if she's ready for an overnight date with Chris, so that's a bad sign. For a hot second I thought we never left Iowa, but it turns out the Dominican Republic has impressive farmland too. Picking the obvious choice for the country boy, Chris and Andi goes horseback riding and she's not too into it. Turns out Andi would prefer to not leave her life in the hands of a horse (but is cool leaving her love life up to a casting director trying to get ratings). Thankfully the horse portion of the date ends and Andi can talk to Chris without fear of being reared off a horse. She tells him how much she loved his family, and his family support him regardless of the fact that he might get his heart stomped upon. Because Ghosts in the Graveyards was so fun in Iowa, Chris tries to make that magic happen again and we learn something about Chris: he's the worst hider of all time.

Chris meets Andi for the night portion of their date for a little grub before potentially a fantasy suite evening. It's not even a meal but snacks on a tray on a loungechair. Chris brings up Iowa, wanting to know Andi's thoughts because it's a big deal given that farming is his life. Andi had fun, but life is so different there even if there are law jobs all over. Things start to go downhill and since Andi's face is the easier read ever, it's clear this date is not going to end well. Chris loves Andi, but Andi doesn't have those feelings back. Andi gets weepy and wishes she could blame Iowa as the easy reason (but it's partly a reason), but she just doesn't see her and Chris moving forward in life together. While it's a crushing blow, Andi doesn't think it's fair to make him wait around for the corny rose ceremony or lead him on more. "My head and my heart don't match up," she says after listing all the things that make Chris great. Andi's been in this situation and knows it's easier to not have time wasted. Chris is bummed but appreciates Andi's honesty, ending with a goodbye hug. Here's Chris's audition reel for next Bachelor.

Given her emotional evening, it's the perfect time for Chris Harrison to offer Andi his advice as an unlicensed therapist. Andi doesn't regret any of her choices and thinks Josh and Nick are the right picks for her. When asked about dumping Chris, Andi explains there was no foundation for a relationship and even a quick bone in the fantasy suite wasn't going to help. Andi still wants to have a rose ceremony because this is a two-way street and not her just commanding her guys to accept roses and love her. But it is also like a hint that hey I want a ring a next week. At the rose ceremony, Andi gives the 411 on the Chris situation, gives roses, they accept, and then toast to meeting Andi's family.

Next week: the best Men Tell All ever - I'll tell you why next week!