Big Brother 16
"It's summertime America and that can only mean one thing: time for Big Brother!" Julie Chen says in her red mumu/toga/maxi dress. But her spray tan is already on point, so my pale self is pretty jealous of her summer glow. This season is being dubbed the most twisted ever, though we're all slightly in the dark about what's ahead. Even more in the dark are the people we're about to watch (and hate) 24/7 for the next three months. While there are sixteen houseguests, only eight stand in front of Julie ready to enter the Big Brother house. There's no answers from the Chenbot yet, but she sends the first eight houseguests in.
After picking their beds and getting over the initial "We're in the Big Brother house!" shock, introductions are made over champagne. Donny looks like Duck Dynasty, but has an adorable accent and was Kelly Pickler's janitor. DJ Paola already has her sights set on former soccer player Cody and his sweet abs. Blue-haired makeup artist Joey immediately bonds with pink-haired Frankie, who is hoping no one knows he's the brother of pop singer Ariana Grande. Devin is a former athlete, now dad and he's got a big smile and eyes for Joey. And Nicole has a Michigan accent, hipster glasses, and a fear of peeing herself from excitement.
Knowing that eight more people will be entering the house at some point, the first eight want to stay tight and protect each other. And because it's practically Big Brother law to name your alliance, they decide on calling themselves the "Crazy Eights." But eight is a lot of people (and doomed to fail), so sub-alliances start to form as well. Donny admits to Devin he's a superfan, and Devin loves the idea of teaming with someone totally unexpected so they become a secret pair (Double D's). Paola is all about girl power and pulls the three others side for a four-girl alliance, which every girl there has apparently dream of (El Cuatro). I give most of these alliances two weeks. Devin and Donny could last.
Julie Chen shows up on the screen in her muumuu to explain someone will be the first Head of Household (HOH) and nominate two people BUT... the HOH isn't safe this season. "Let's Go Fly a Kite" is our first HOH competition theme, with the backyard transformed into a cardboard beach oasis with some sand glued on it like a kid's glitter art. The houseguest have to hold up a kite via rope while walking on a rotating log, occasionally getting sunscreen squirted all over them because Big Brother loves a good liquid splooge. And when the kites fall they crush the adorable fake cardboard sandcastles and little characters have their smiles turned into frowns - aww! Frankie ends up winning the first HOH after Amber decides to throw the competition, knowing she's not safe from eviction as HOH. I expect a lot of competition throwing this season because photos from home and Pretzel Crisps are exactly the top motivator in life (OK, maybe the Pretzel Crisps are - or maybe Snyder's of Hanover Honey Mustard Nibblers).
Nominees don't happen after the competition because, as Julie reminds the Crazy Eight's: expect the Unexpected! Eight more houseguests will enter the house and that group will have an HOH. Two HOHs! Four nominees! But by the end of the week only one HOH will be left standing. Will one die Thunderdome style?! And one last twist, just for us viewers! You see, on CBS.com there was a poll asking "Who would you like to align with?" For the next three weeks, viewers will vote on three players to force into a secret alliance. TWISTS!
And so night two of the Big Brother season premiere begins, with Julie in a knee-length fuchsia dress that's a bit architectural. Julie brings in the remaining eight houseguests after their not-at-all-staged video packages getting excited about being chosen for the show. Julie tells the latest batch of eight that there are already eight houseguests inside with a reigning HOH, but fear not! One of the new eight will also be a HOH, then do whatever battle we don't know about yet. Ring that doorbell!
The new eight meet the night one eight and it's excitement all around. Self-described "metrosexual country boy" Caleb is eyeing up all the girls. Hayden the goofy pedicab driver gives identifies everyone by their celebrity doppelgangers. Zach hates all people, yet puts on his smiles to make everyone like him. Victoria and Frankie hit it off with their love of pink and Florida living. Other introductions are made including Jocasta is a bow tie wearing minister, superfan barista Christine, Derrick the cop who lies and says he's a parks and recreation guy, and divorced mom Brittany. Nicole immediately notices the vibe in the house changing and maybe their night one alliances are screwed (they are). Poor Donny is just nervous about remembering names.
Let the gaming with the other side begin! Worried about his position as the first HOH, but isn't safe, he encourages Victoria to win the other HOH competition and they are partner up. Paola tries to feel out Caleb, who is such a creeper with his hood up and believes he's going to win HOH, if not all. Derrick and Brittany bond over being parents. Zach acts like a tool to Frankie, which isn't smart considering Frankie is a HOH this week. And Donny makes cricket sounds. Bless Donny.
Group 2 gets decked out in their uniforms for their HOH competition, "Over the Coals." The backyard is a kickass tiki setting and these houseguests have to straddle a rotating barbeque spit over hot coals. It's not real of course but you know that because this show is budget-level. It's a lot of staring at butts going round and round, eventually getting sprayed with barbeque sauce. It's looks like goddamn Carrie out there. Caleb wins the other Head of Household title, making everyone cringe because every fan hates this dude. Yet everyone in the house wants to work with this challenge beast.
Now that there are two HOHs, Julie convenes the house in the living room to explain what the hell is going on. Every week, the two HOHs will nominate two houseguests for eviction (four nominees total). But there's a new competition called the Battle of the Block, where HOH 1's nominees battle against HOH 2's nominees, and the winning duo saves themselves and de-thrones the HOH who nominated them. That HOH becomes a regular, lame houseguest again and can be nominated. One week you could be HOH and evicted - DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.
Rounding out the premiere is Joey learning she's the first member of Team America. She learns that along with two other houseguests, they'll work together to complete missions throughout the summer to make $5,000 per task. America will be choosing the other members in the coming weeks and Joey's totally down for the challenge. She's also allowed to keep it secret or share, but me thinks Joey will STFU for now. But who else will America choose?
All of this has transpired in ONE DAY. I KNOW. Frankie and Caleb reveal their joint HOH room, which is two rooms and a shared bathroom (one bedroom is a classic room, the other an urban bird's nest). Right away in their new room, Frankie pitches the idea of him and Caleb working together since no one would expect it. Plus it covers Frankie's ass in case he's overthrown after the Battle of the Block. Soon their duo expands into a larger alliance with Derrick, Devin, Zach, Cody - six strong dudes who dub themselves "The Bomb Squad." RIP Double D's. RIP Crazy 8s. Day 1 alliances? DEAD! And then there are people who have no idea the game is even being played to this extent. The floaters, ladies and gentlemen! Not Nicole and Christine though, who decide to become a pair thanks to their quirky personalities and matching nerd glasses.
Caleb and Frankie conspire together to have their nominees on the same page. In big news, gone is
the Lazy Susan of slow reveals and now it's right to the nominees. Caleb is the first to nominate and selects Donny and Paola (Pao Pao), the first two to fall from the challenge. Frankie takes the same approach, but opts for the two females who fell first, Victoria and Brittany. Victoria is crushed because she thought Frankie was her bestie and working with her. Frankie insists he was going to nominate Paola, but Caleb picked her first. And then Caleb cries it out after hurting people's feelings. Guyz, Caleb is sensitive despite the muscles!
After nominations, Devin proves to be the impulsive liability of the Bomb Squad when he decides an all-male alliance will fail. In the wee hours of the morning, Devin invited Christine and Amber into the Bomb Squad, shocking all the other bros (especially a sleeping Caleb who gets the news while barely awake). Dammit Devin, you know an alliance of eight will fail and you know it because you've already voided The Crazy 8s. Because his brain doesn't shut off, Devin listens while Donny charms the other houseguests and becomes threatened. He scurries off to the HOH room to tattle to the Bomb Squad, thinking Donny is a liar. To paraphrase, Frankie says RELAX.
The first ever Battle of the Block is one classy affair. It's like a Gatsby party out there, old sport! Working in their nominated pairs (Paola/Donny vs. Victoria/Brittany), they will swing while filling a funnel with champagne and pouring it into a giant flute. The amusing part is watching people attempt to start swinging while elevated in the air. Lots of awkward air humping. Turns out Pao Pao has no idea how to swing, which kills her and Donny's chances as she's holding on for dear life. Brittany and Victoria get the hang of it, perfectly in sync as they transfer champagne to each other for awhile before losing their rhythm. Pao Pao gets her shit together and start making progress, but not fast enough. Frankie is overthrown as HOH, and thrown into the pool via balloons whacking him, as Brittany and Victoria win their way off the block. Caleb is sole HOH, which means Donny and Paola are this week's official nominees. Until the veto that is!
SLOP returns to the Big Brother house and I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough. Slop is so lame but this show is obsessed with it. As HOH, Caleb has to choose the Have Nots and even gets some volunteers. Hayden, Cody, Brittany, and Joey get slop in frozen form, a little hint of their new Have Not Room. The room is an ice theme with icicle beds, emergency blankets, and even big ice machines for decoration. You're going to regret that choice you attention-whores.
Devin and Caleb continue their odd obsession with believe Donny is lying, thinking he's ex-military or anything that isn't a janitor. Donny is hurt that his supposed alliance member doesn't trust him, and even Devin gets teary thinking about learning Donny isn't lying and him being a real tool. Too late, bro. Joey pulls Pao Pao and Amber aside to secure their all girl alliance, worried the guys are teaming up. Despite their "El Cuatro, girl power!" stance on day one, the girl alliance ain't happening. Derrick notices all the girls chatting in the bathroom and reports it up to the HOH. Joey starts feeling awkward and alone, so she admits to Devin that she tried to start an all girls alliance. The beginning of the end for blue-haired Joey!
Pao Pao, Donny, Caleb, Victoria, Zach, and Cody are selected to compete in the season's first Veto Competition, "Miami Lice." There's a creepy giant head in the backyard submerged in a giant tub, with letter lice in the pool. It's the old spelling challenge to create the longest word to win the Power of Veto. Plus everyone gets to wear some ballin' suits to serve Crockett and Tubbs realness. Donny shocks all with his nine letter word "SPLITTERS" and wins the Power of Veto and will get to remove himself from the block. Great, now Devin will think Donny is a childhood spelling bee champ and not an adult janitor.
With Donny saving himself, a replacement nominee will be selected. Cue budget version of The Godfather music as Caleb tells Joey how she has been caught creating the all girl alliance, but appreciates her coming clean. Joey's relieved and thinks her damage control might have saved her. It doesn't help. Donny uses the veto to save himself and Caleb names Joey the replacement nominee. And with that, the Team America twist shoots itself in the foot the very first week!
Joey realizes she's pretty screwed and tries to campaign to her housemates. She's a better competitor, knows the game, and yes might've gotten caught trying to make a women's alliance. But Joey's wise enough to see that Caleb and Devin are running the house. To get her point across, Joey transforms into her alter-ego, cussing, badass Alex and tries saving herself one last time. It doesn't work and Joey is unanimously voted out of the house (looks like Devin's demands worked). Team America's first attempt has failed, but it'll resume without Joey and some other poor sap will get that role.
Said poor sap now in Team America is Donny, who has gotten the best fan favorite edit thus far so it's not surprising. It makes him happy to be America's choice and next week two more will join him and hopefully win some cash. Or crash and burn in a spectacular way. In other house stuff, Caleb has a crush on Amber and it's super awkward cause she's just not that into him. Amber is the female HOH this week after showing her keg carrying skills (while dodging frisbees at her head) in the competition "BB Rager." On the guys side, hot Cody wins and everyone cheers, but it turns out he stepped out of bounds right before winning... so he's DQ'd. And now runner-up Devin in HOH and all the fans are groaning. Should be another bizarre week on Biiiiiig Brother!
By the way guys, along with recaps here every week, I'm covering Big Brother for Beamly all summer! You'll find lots of fun articles there as I cover Big Brother past and present. Make sure to check it out!