In gorgeous Tulum, Mexico, a bunch of people who failed to find love on TV previously are back to attempt it again. Or at least bang around on TV with an open bar. Either way, it's exactly what I need to finish off my summer.
Of course my heart skips a beat to see my beloved Marquel back, rocking a sweet pair of capris and some fly beach style. There's also overly nice Marcus, 35-and-showing-it Graham from Deanna's season and multiple Bachelor Pads, douchebag Ben from Desiree's season, doesn't wash his hands Dylan, and some forgettable guy named Robert who is 90s Disney Channel original movie cute. For the ladies, there's Clare from Juan Pablo's season, one-armed Sarah (again sorry but that's her description), looney Michelle K, "I came on this show just to meet Graham" AshLee, and some other girls I don't remember in the slightest. Sorry, but some of you will never receive my first impression rose. Or second. Or third. I've forgotten you already. Chris Harrison trades in his dark suits for some sweet Miami Vice pastels to explain how each week there will be dates and you can choose your date (ooh). At the end of the week, those not coupled up are going home via rose ceremony. There's seven women, six guys; the guys will hand out roses and one woman will go home. Next week, the ladies do the choosing. So there will be a rotating crop of hot bodies coming in to hook up and go home.
Some girl Lacy is desperate to not go home week one, so immediately begins to kiss and monkey straddle Robert in the ocean. Marcus decides to take a late night swim in his teeny orange underwear to mope about having his heart broken by Andi. But Lacy is an eager gal and thinks Marcus is a catch too, so she follows him into the ocean for another option. I imagine a lot of slut coughs around the table as they entire cast watches. Robert's a little jealous, Lacy's probably a little drunk, and Robert's like, "Oh she's clearly here to find love." Ok, sure? Some blonde Elise feels like she's had a love at first sight moment with Dylan, so they go for some ocean hookup time too. Basically, this ocean is going to be toxic in less than a week. Clare and Marcus watch from the shore laughing. And AshLee is already showing her cards with Graham, telling him how she came on this show just while following him social media.
The first date card lets Clare choose a guy to explore ruins with her so she picks Graham because he's a 35 year old babe and everyone wants him. AshLee fumes, wondering why he couldn't be "loyal" for 24 hours - uhhh crazy! You ain't dating! Immediately AshLee has scared all the other girls away from every asking Graham out again. First date officially RUINed! I'll be here all season folks. Clare cries about not wanting drama, offers AshLee the date instead, and eventually retracts her invite to Graham and asks Robert on the date instead. LATER, Michelle Money arrives at the house and we Bachelor franchise devotees know she has history with Graham and again, AshLee tenses up. I don't know if Graham and Michelle still have a thing, but they do still have an elaborate handshake. Realizing she's been a loon, AshLee has another awkward talk with Graham where she opens up about this insane fairytale idea she had coming onto this hookup show. He's like "It's all good" but inside in like, "Bye crazy."
This show such a cluster-bleep to recap because so much happens, so I'm gonna squeeze all the dates into one long paragraph. Plus the dates last maybe for minutes each AKA the ideal time I have interest in their dates. Clare and Robert explore Mayan ruins, take selfies at the top, and Robert gets attacked by fire ants. Sarah and Marcus have a late night swim in this gorgeous cave, and she's ballsy enough to ask for a kiss and gets it. Michelle Money asks Marquel to be her date for horseback riding, and he's never touched a horse let alone rode one around Mexico. He wears another pair of adorable capris. In a bit of a self-imposed love triangle between Robert and Marcus, Lacy picks Robert to join her on a romantic dinner date and more in-ocean making out (and Marcus feels rejected).
Dark blazer but no tie, because it's Mexico, Chris Harrison reminds everyone before the rose ceremony that the six guys will each hand out one rose to a woman they'd like to stay. Since there's eight women there, two are getting a coach ticket home to the states and a reminder they're alone and not wanted. Those who aren't romantically connecting right away are a little nervous and that's Clare, Sarah, and Daniella. Marcus assumes Robert will give Lacy a rose, so he'd like to give Sarah a rose because she deserves to be here but only if Lacy didn't have a rose because he's crazy for her and roses should go to who you would like to pursue a relationship with. Now all these rejects know the power of the rose like a true lead! Michelle K. quits before anyone can openly reject her to which everyone responds "Who cares, she's crazy and not here for the right reasons." Back to the rose ceremony! Marquel gives a rose to Michelle Money, Graham to AshLee likely out of Basic Instinct-like fear, Dylan to Elise (who is already ready to drop the L-bomb), and then the shocker... Marcus gives his rose to Lacy. So much for his deal to Sarah! Robert has to scramble and gives his rose to Clare, who is excited for the next batch of guys to possibly get with. Ben gives the last rose to Sarah, which means Danielle goes home. It's OK I kinda forget who she is still, too.
Next week: Why did nutty Michelle K leave? Lacy's moving on! Chris Bukowski arrives - and he's invited! Someone back home has a girlfriend?!