The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Juan Pablo and his ladies department the mansion to begin their worldwide trek. The first stop is Seoul, South Korea and the show is ecstatic to talk about "Gangham Style" like it's still relevant. Yes people, the episode is teased as "Juangnam Style" and I wanted to slam my laptop to the ground. Why couldn't the plane accidentally land in North Korea?
The first group date has the ladies and Juan Pablo dancing backup at a concert for K-pop band 2NE1 (pronounced twenty-one). And Juan Pablo knows they are total megastars like his beloved Spice Girls, so everyone else pretends like they know them too. Cat is her typical show-off stance because she's "been dancing before she could even walk," because apparently Kat is the dancing baby GIF of yesteryear. Nikki is on the opposite end of the spectrum, miserable because she wants a solo date and can't dance. The concert takes place at a mall and it's four stories packed with teens shouting for their favorite group and a bunch of assholes from an American reality show. Especially Kat who honestly thinks the Korean crowd gives a crap about her dancing and trying to be a star. Girl, have a seat.
The group date transfers to a furniture museum at night and it's pretty stunning except I see no rooftop pool. Kat wants Juan Pablo to know she's more than a fun, amazing dancer and she's serious girl. Nikki starts a convo with the other girls about Kat being fake and playing it up for cameras, but the others girls think Nikki's a cranky bitch. Nikki tells Juan Pablo she's not as outlandish as the other women, so she wants Juan Pablo to know she likes him and thinks she'd be a good mom. FYI "she'd be a bad mom" is the new "not here for the right reasons" this season. She ends up getting the date rose for being so real and all the others are disgusted because she's the Negative Nancy.
Sharleen gets the one-on-one date which is amazing because I swear she hates this whole experience. Like she's such a mope, yet he's suuuuuper into her. The pair walk through the busy markets of Seoul, buying souvenirs and trying the local cuisine, and then having a quiet afternoon at a tea house. Sharleen is starting to enjoy Juan Pablo and his "cheekiness" which she has to explain is him being a smartass in a good way. At their romantic dinner, Juan Pablo convinces Sharleen to sing for him and he shouts "You're good!" It leads to another kiss that is definitely an improvement over last week, but still creepy. He thinks they have a lot in common which I'm assuming is just their age and worldliness. Things are going pretty well until Sharleen gets all cringey at the kid question. She ends up admitting she has been career-focused and not really sure about kids, plus she dated a guy with a kid before and felt a little left out. But Juan Pablo either understands or totally misunderstands and gives her the rose cause he's smitten.
The final date of the night is another group date to get "krazy" which starts with karaoke. Move over ladies, I'd slaughter you all with my skills even in Korean. Then they drink lemonade made by a street vendor which is TOTES krazy. They take pictures in a photobooth, pedal swan boats, and getting nippy fish pedicures. Basically it's the kind of date twelve year olds take, but I don't what know what else I should've expected. They all indulge in octopus except Claire, who claims she's afraid of it, until Juan Pablo convinces her and she of course does it. Everyone is onto Claire's need for attention.
The nighttime "krazy" ditches the lemonade for champagne and behind-the-back bitchiness. Plus, everyone wants a smooch from Juan Pablo but he's resistant to not totally manwhore it up (he's kissed six, he wants to be cautious). Claire had the first solo date ever so she's weirdly possessive about him. It's fun to see her tortured. Juan Pablo and Andi have some nice time together but he's keeping up his kiss promise eventhough they made out in an industrial kitchen last week. Lauren gets a little upset when he declines a kiss from her and cites his daughter, yet he kissed other girls before. She ends up crying about her kiss rejection to Juan Pablo, which makes him sad and her humiliated. Claire finally gets her alone time and OF COURSE giggles about her octopus hate but she did it just for him. He caves after feeding Claire a cookie and they kiss, which she interrupts to stupidly ask if she smells like chocolate (minutes before she admitted puking up, then re-swallowing, the octopus so I'd say chocolate would be a relief). I truly gagged at that moment. However come rose time, Andi gets the rose not Claire. Guess Juan Pablo isn't into chocolate octopus breath.
The rose ceremony is in a beautiful Korean palace because there's no place better to slog a bunch of champagne and get dumped. Andi and Sharleen believe that as rose-holders they don't need alone time and should give their time to the others. First up is Claire, who continues to irritate me beyond belief and I really find her phony, so usually it'd be fun when Nikki interrupts. BUT Nikki has a rose and it was just declared that the girls with roses should allow the roseless to have the time. Nikki is topping everyone's shitlist for being totally miserable but being fake and sweet in front of Juan Pablo. He casually mentions something about life around the house and Nikki snaps a little, covers her tracks, and blames Claire. Claire basically says she isn't wasting her time with Juan Pablo to bitch about her, however she is being the season bitch.
The girls line up in the dramatic setting, now adding their ceremonial dumping to this palace rich with centuries of history. This week we lose Elise and Lauren, two people we cared little about anyways. Now Lauren can know she wasn't kissed because he wasn't interested enough.
Next week: Vietnam!! Wait, what?
First stop, South Korea. Then Vietnam. Next, beaches of Normandy or Pearl Harbor. #TheBachelor— Melissa (@melgotserved) January 28, 2014