January 27, 2014

The Bachelor: A Seoul Crushing Good Time

1/27/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 4

Juan Pablo and his ladies department the mansion to begin their worldwide trek.  The first stop is Seoul, South Korea and the show is ecstatic to talk about "Gangham Style" like it's still relevant.  Yes people, the episode is teased as "Juangnam Style" and I wanted to slam my laptop to the ground.  Why couldn't the plane accidentally land in North Korea?

The first group date has the ladies and Juan Pablo dancing backup at a concert for K-pop band 2NE1 (pronounced twenty-one).  And Juan Pablo knows they are total megastars like his beloved Spice Girls, so everyone else pretends like they know them too.  Cat is her typical show-off stance because she's "been dancing before she could even walk," because apparently Kat is the dancing baby GIF of yesteryear.  Nikki is on the opposite end of the spectrum, miserable because she wants a solo date and can't dance.  The concert takes place at a mall and it's four stories packed with teens shouting for their favorite group and a bunch of assholes from an American reality show.  Especially Kat who honestly thinks the Korean crowd gives a crap about her dancing and trying to be a star.  Girl, have a seat.

The group date transfers to a furniture museum at night and it's pretty stunning except I see no rooftop pool.  Kat wants Juan Pablo to know she's more than a fun, amazing dancer and she's serious girl.  Nikki starts a convo with the other girls about Kat being fake and playing it up for cameras, but the others girls think Nikki's a cranky bitch.  Nikki tells Juan Pablo she's not as outlandish as the other women, so she wants Juan Pablo to know she likes him and thinks she'd be a good mom.  FYI "she'd be a bad mom" is the new "not here for the right reasons" this season.  She ends up getting the date rose for being so real and all the others are disgusted because she's the Negative Nancy.

Sharleen gets the one-on-one date which is amazing because I swear she hates this whole experience.  Like she's such a mope, yet he's suuuuuper into her.  The pair walk through the busy markets of Seoul, buying souvenirs and trying the local cuisine, and then having a quiet afternoon at a tea house.  Sharleen is starting to enjoy Juan Pablo and his "cheekiness" which she has to explain is him being a smartass in a good way.  At their romantic dinner, Juan Pablo convinces Sharleen to sing for him and he shouts "You're good!" It leads to another kiss that is definitely an improvement over last week, but still creepy.  He thinks they have a lot in common which I'm assuming is just their age and worldliness.  Things are going pretty well until Sharleen gets all cringey at the kid question.  She ends up admitting she has been career-focused and not really sure about kids, plus she dated a guy with a kid before and felt a little left out.  But Juan Pablo either understands or totally misunderstands and gives her the rose cause he's smitten.

The final date of the night is another group date to get "krazy" which starts with karaoke.  Move over ladies, I'd slaughter you all with my skills even in Korean.  Then they drink lemonade made by a street vendor which is TOTES krazy.  They take pictures in a photobooth, pedal swan boats, and getting nippy fish pedicures.  Basically it's the kind of date twelve year olds take, but I don't what know what else I should've expected.  They all indulge in octopus except Claire, who claims she's afraid of it, until Juan Pablo convinces her and she of course does it.  Everyone is onto Claire's need for attention.

The nighttime "krazy" ditches the lemonade for champagne and behind-the-back bitchiness.  Plus, everyone wants a smooch from Juan Pablo but he's resistant to not totally manwhore it up (he's kissed six, he wants to be cautious).  Claire had the first solo date ever so she's weirdly possessive about him. It's fun to see her tortured.  Juan Pablo and Andi have some nice time together but he's keeping up his kiss promise eventhough they made out in an industrial kitchen last week.  Lauren gets a little upset when he declines a kiss from her and cites his daughter, yet he kissed other girls before.  She ends up crying about her kiss rejection to Juan Pablo, which makes him sad and her humiliated.  Claire finally gets her alone time and OF COURSE giggles about her octopus hate but she did it just for him.  He caves after feeding Claire a cookie and they kiss, which she interrupts to stupidly ask if she smells like chocolate (minutes before she admitted puking up, then re-swallowing, the octopus so I'd say chocolate would be a relief). I truly gagged at that moment.  However come rose time, Andi gets the rose not Claire.  Guess Juan Pablo isn't into chocolate octopus breath.

The rose ceremony is in a beautiful Korean palace because there's no place better to slog a bunch of champagne and get dumped.  Andi and Sharleen believe that as rose-holders they don't need alone time and should give their time to the others.  First up is Claire, who continues to irritate me beyond belief and I really find her phony, so usually it'd be fun when Nikki interrupts. BUT Nikki has a rose and it was just declared that the girls with roses should allow the roseless to have the time.  Nikki is topping everyone's shitlist for being totally miserable but being fake and sweet in front of Juan Pablo.  He casually mentions something about life around the house and Nikki snaps a little, covers her tracks, and blames Claire.  Claire basically says she isn't wasting her time with Juan Pablo to bitch about her, however she is being the season bitch.

The girls line up in the dramatic setting, now adding their ceremonial dumping to this palace rich with centuries of history.  This week we lose Elise and Lauren, two people we cared little about anyways.  Now Lauren can know she wasn't kissed because he wasn't interested enough.

Next week: Vietnam!! Wait, what?

January 20, 2014

The Bachelor: A Homemade Breakfast and a Poo Party

1/20/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 3


Single mom Cassandra gets the first one-on-one date of the night: cruising in a convertible Jeep and driving right into the ocean.  It's intentional though cause it's like a Duck Tour so they drive through the water in what I'm going to call the Ford Savior. They dock their car, board a yacht, jump off it, then makeout in the water.  Magically they teleport to dinner to Juan Pablo's house to burn dinner because they're too busy dirty dancing in the kitchen.  The pair bond over their children while feeding each other malted milk balls.  It's bizarre.  Seeing that they're hitting it off, Juan Pablo gives Cassandra a rose, a sign that he's into her since he promised to dump her whenever he's over her so she can go back to her kid.  And I mean, thank god this 21 year old can learn to date again after not dating since she was 18.  Woe is her!

Juan Pablo brings the group date ladies to where the LA Galaxy play for a catty game of soccer.  Juan Pablo wants to see who can get out of their comfort zone, which actually means who's a stressful rage beast when they do poorly. There is not nearly enough "ball" jokes for my liking but Sharleen gets balls to the face a few times which is amusing.  The game ends with a champagne shower before hitting the locker room to snap each other with towels.

The cocktail party is at the stadium this week instead of shoving the girls in an Uber to another hotel rooftop.  Nikki has a nice chat where the conversation flows naturally, which is amusing to think about with Juan Pablo.  With Andi they sneak off to a snack stand, drag her ass on the counter, then make out by the industrial fridge.  She's extremely confident this hidden kissing will seal the deal for the date rose.  Sharleen and Juan Pablo head back onto the pitch and kiss for all to see, inciting rage in the girls watching from above.  By the way, what a horrible kiss. Like, has Sharleen kissed someone before because it's awkward when her mouth doesn't move yet her tongue pops out of her mouth.  At first I thought it was a blow off, but it's not because she requests a second attempt.  SHUDDER. Can I unsee that?  Nikki the nurse gets the rose and she does a happy dance inside while Andi gets pissy inside after giving it up at the snack stand.  Like we've said all along, why buy the pretzel when you can get the whole snack stand for free?

Chelsie gets the last date of the evening, which annoys Elise who thinks Chelsie is childish (they're maybe two years apart in age?).  Chelsie pretends to enjoy Juan Pablo's car singing while they dance like goons.  I've never supported the Footloose preacher quite as much as I do now.  Apparently this is a date of challenges which includes shoving Venezuelan food into Chelsie's mouth while she says "mmm" a lot.  But the real trust moment is when Juan Pablo takes her to a bridge to tandem bungee jump.  They're going to vomit all over each other right? Because loading up on food before jumping off a bridge upside down, then springing up and down, is a horrible idea.  Chelsie is terrified to jump and complains for an eternity that she is worried, but the strong arms of Juan Pablo are there to hold her.  Who knew it'd be harder to convince a girl to bungee jump than pose naked on television for a dog charity?  Chelsie and Juan Pablo kiss upside-down so it's all worth it for her now.  At night, it's a private dinner at Pasadena's City Hall, where we all dream of having a first date.  She blabs a whole lot about being a teacher, loving kids, yapping, yapping.  This incessant talking doesn't irritate Juan Pablo and he gives her the rose, then head into a private concert by some dude where they dance awkwardly together on a random piece of an oriental rug.

Juan Pablo surprises the women with a homemade Venezuelan breakfast to, I assume, soak up the champagne and cheap booze they drowned their lonely sorrows in the night before.  Some get the tip off and have a chance to throw on a bra and some mascara, while others show off the faces nature gave 'em.  After breakfast they have a pool party instead of the stuffy cocktail party because... tittays!  I pray they waited thirty minutes between breakfast and swimming because this is a safety concern.  I mean, I see girls running on the pool deck and that is NOT COOL.  Kat makes sure to be noticed, hopping up on Juan Pablo's shoulders for a round of chicken against no one.  The girls see Kat as a camera-hog playing it up for airtime.  Sharleen is insecure and questioning everything, yet not questioning if she's a horrendous kisser apparently. This kiss is a little more hidden, a relief for the viewers.  The pool party turns into a bummer while everyone (especially Claire) gets neurotic about signing up for a show where a guy dates 25 women and doesn't only go crazy for them.  Also, I swear to god Juan Pablo called the whole event a "poo party."

Chris Harrison is a total buzzkill and clinks a glass outside to end the party and commence the super serious rose ceremony.  Unfortunately no one is eliminated in their bikinis and instead they're given a chance to get gussied up before getting their hearts stomped on.  Some rando Christy is eliminated, but we say goodbye to an actual personality this week while a few other randos stay.  Say goodbye to Lucy, the free spirit, who taught us all a career is not needed to be on The Bachelor.  But at least the adorable dog is still around.

January 13, 2014

The Bachelor: Let's Get Drunkenly Cry in a Bathroom Stall

1/13/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 2 comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 2

Clare gets the first solo date of the season because nothing makes a lasting impression like fake first-night pregnancy.  He picks her up at night and blindfolds here, which is usually the first red flag that you're going to get murdered and featured in a Lifetime movie.  Instead, Clare lives and is escorted to a little bit of wintery Christmas magic in LA. Snow, pine trees, snowmen, sledding, ice skating - it's very cute... as long as there's hot chocolate spiked with Peppermint Schnapps.  Clare is sufficiently irritating to me (she is SO poised that it all seems like an act), but Juan Pablo enjoys laughing with her.  They heal their sore asses in a hot tub where Clare tells her sob story while massaging Juan Pablo's back.  He appreciates her openness and gives her a rose, which is an open invite for hot tub makeout. "You taste like snow!" Snow is water. There is no taste. I hate you.  But that's not enough creeping because there's a private concert in the woods by a yeti man for them.

Looks like a few ladies made some in-roads with Juan Pablo and his second date is another one-on-one, this time with Kat. The date cards hints at electricity but I'm not sure if it'll be the tossing-toasters-in-a-tub kind of electricity.  A private jet escorts the pair to a different time zone where it's night time because they're doing an electric run.  Oh FML, the worst. You people and your gimmick runs.  They get decked out in neons and light-up attire to glow in the dark while slowly attempting to jog in a crowd of middle-aged moms being super cool in obnoxious ravewear  Tell me production slipped them some drugs to make this super trippy. On the big stage, Juan Pablo and Kat get to grind on each other in front of a crowd and he gives her a rose.

A big hoard of hoes meet Juan Pablo for the season's first group date, a photoshoot with adorable dogs.  It's for a good cause but who the hell wants a photo of some random chick from a reality show petting a dog?  If this is going in a calendar, this is the worst calendar ever (but where do you buy one, asking for a friend......) Poor Kelly gets painted to look like her assigned dog, which is essentially brown face with white spots.  Juan Pablo is very drawn to Cassandra, so they Lady and the Tramp a piece of spaghetti because... yum?  To make things extra awful, Andi and Elise are supposed to pose nude behind tiny signs. Like these girls want to make an impression, so are like forced to pose nude to avoid being dumped, which is an awful message (like this show gives a shit).  Elise in a not-at-all-setup moment switches with free spirit Lucy who loves living life showing her ta-tas.  Oh and then Elise is a hydrant that the dogs pretend to pee on.  Andi is really opposed to posing naked until Juan Pablo is going to get nude too, so that makes it all ok.  He literally charmed the pants off her. For real in the final picture if there wasn't a censored bar it would just be Juan Pablo's balls. Seriously.

After the photoshoot there's a hotel rooftop pool party, my favorite thing behind private concerts and helicopter rendezvous.  Cassandra shares her big secret with Juan Pablo: she has a son.  He loves it cause he's a dad too, duh.  Renee really wants a first kiss and tries to the point of bringing it up as a conversation point - she fails.   The girls are nervous and fighting for time, sipping a cocktail to ease their nerves... except Victoria.  Victoria's a drunk, slurring mess explaining how she gave Juan Pablo "the hymen maneuver" earlier.  She can't get one-on-one time and runs into the bathroom to drunkenly cry out her hatred for Juan Pablo in a stall.  She bursts out of the bathroom insisting she's going home, but production explains she needs to put on her shoes and they will find her a safe way home.  Back to her stall she runs, so Juan Pablo comes to talk to the stall door.  She declines to talk, so Juan Pablo makes a weird speech to the women and concludes with, "But I had a good time!"  The women are turned on by how kindly Juan Pablo deals with drunk women sobbing in bathroom stalls.  Kelly gets the rose because she was humiliated with an awful paint job.

Back at the house, all the girls are gossiping about Victoria's drunken temper tantrum.  Looks like she didn't have to come back to the mansion and production put her in a hotel to sleep it off.  Juan Pablo visits Victoria at her hotel room where she apologizes for being terrible.  Juan Pablo accepts her apology but he's a 32 year old dad who doesn't want some sloppy mess around his kid.  He breaks it off with her as it's pointless for her to come to the Rose Ceremony. Plus there's an open bar and I think we all know what happens there.

It's time for another cocktail party before the rose ceremony and Juan Pablo tells the ladies how he talked to Victoria.  Everyone internally is thinking she's a buzzkill who has ruined their open bar experience.  This allows people who no airtime to get their five minutes so we aren't concerned random strangers wandered into the mansion.  Amy L. is a reporter who interviews Juan Pablo and we learn he is not one for improv.  Production must've given Sharleen a talking to, who feels bad for being an awesome rude bitch when she got the first impression rose and apologizes.  Gurl, he could probably barely read it.  Everyone is paranoid about their connection and it's only week two. Despite bonding over their kids, Cassandra can't decide whether to give this dumb show a try or go home to her kid.  Juan Pablo eases her emotions because as a reminder, this is a man who smooth talked another girl into posing nude with a dog.

At the rose ceremony, people with screentime whose names we kinda know gets roses. Obvs.  Only two girls go home including Amy we-hardly-knew-you-except-for-your-newsanchoring-from-ten-minutes-ago and Chantel, this season's only black girl. In our minds, we all pour out a 40 for Victoria.

January 6, 2014

The Bachelor: An Adventure to Find the Juan

1/06/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 1

The horny women of America spoke, and our latest Bachelor had hardly any screentime last season except some shirtless moments. Hunk alert!  Meet Juan Pablo, a former soccer player and single date with an adorable accent because he's Latino, as he'll remind you.  He has the unconditional love of his daughter, but now hopes one of the random women selected for high drama will make him a fine wife.  And who better to initiate Juan Pablo into the Bachelor club than total dud Sean, who Juan Pablo allegedly called for advice. LIES!  Some wise advice includes: tell them you're bad at names, have fun, and have a kissing strategy but don't let the other girls see you macking. The gospel according to Sean.  Well Juan Pablo, let this adventure/journey/whatever you call it begin!

BUT FIRST, what kind of wonderful women have been cast to seduce the hunk? A bunch of girls who attend to learn Spanish to charm ol' Juan Pablo!  There's only one single mom this time around, but IS a girl who's occupation is "free spirit." Girl, get a job.  There's a prosecutor who should know better than to be on this show since she probably read the contract.  An adorable pediatric nurse has been cast and I wonder again, why are there what appear to be level-headed people on this show?  Girls you can do better than this!  Oh don't worry, there's a crazy-eyed massage therapist that's sure to be the clinger and one girl who, GASP, was dumped before.  The sob story of the intros: a half-Mexican hair stylist has a DVD from her dead dad to show her future husband.  So not a lot of crazies in the bios but c'mon.... we know they're there.
Chris Harrison and his puppet-hands, decked out in a pinstripe suit, welcomes Juan Pablo into his hookup mansion.  Juan Pablo is hoping to find "the juan" (his words) and learns there's 27 women to bang around with this time and look, it's the first limo!  Juan Pablo has to contain himself as he "OH MY GODS" every hot chick that steps out and constantly remarks how much he likes what's coming out of the limo.  I can't list everyone, so here are the highlights. Nikki the nurse uses her stethoscope for a quick heartbeat check, while Chantel teaches him how to pronounce her obvious name, and Maggie gives him a fishing hook to be her "big catch.:  Free spirit Lucy arrives with a floral headband and barefoot, perfect for that watered down driveway.  Best laugh: the girl pushing and playing a piano up the driveway, completely out of breath to greet him.  And for LOLZ one woman fakes being super pregnant, because what's more memorable than faking a pregnancy? NOTHING that's why they always do it on soaps.  Kelly the "dog lover" (that's her career) sends my dog into a frenzy as she lets her canine pal run out of the limo.  Surprisingly, not too many ladies abuse the Spanish language, but one does kick around a soccer ball to try to endear herself. Worst limo entries ever - snoozefest.

Juan Pablo's mind is blown about juggling 27 women ("Dios mio!" he says), and after a weird speech, Juan Pablo starts a dance party complete with a prop-laded photobooth.  It's the wedding of all their dreams.  Soon the one-on-one time begins as each woman tries to give a little more information of why Juan Pablo might want to keep them around.  And leave their lipstick marks on his cheek.  In pure coincidence, there's a massage table in the backyard for the crazy eyed Amy J to show off her massage therapy skills.  It does not turn Juan Pablo on.  

The entrance of the first impression rose freaks everyone out and we know this because everyone says "I'm nervous!"  First it's the nerves, then it's the pouting when they don't get attention. So begins the mental breakdown of Lauren H who is "so ready" and wants a connection, but can't get alone time and starts freeeeaking out. And guess what? She gets her damn alone time and talks about her neurosis in this situation of televised polygamy, relating it to her failed relationship with an ex-fiance who also had a son.  Juan Pablo looks bored and confused out of his mind.  The first impression rose ends up going to Sharleen, the Canadian opera singer who just flew here from Germany.  She's like way too classy for this and surprised she even got the rose, and she even admits she didn't feel a ton of instant chemistry and finds this forced.  Everyone hates her mostly from jealously but also because Sharleen seems totally miserable.

With the first impression rose gone, it's time for the full-blown ceremony.  Juan Pablo is not looking forward to the soul-crushing dumping but it's part of the job and the key to helicopters, an open bar, and lots of hook-ups.  It's pretty standard rose ceremony boredom until Kylie steps forward when Juan Pablo actually said Kat. "Can't you take both of us?" she giggles in her humiliation.  I thought her pink pageant dress was her worse offense but this is way more embarrassing.  Kylie does not get a rose, along with massage therapist, that girl with a lot of ex baggage, and some other randos.  So the adventure to find the "juan" begins with a narrowed down field and what will surely be a season of crying, helicopters, subtitles, and Sharleen's scowl and disdain for this show.  I can't wait.